Fuck it.
I feel like if we could get charity SoulCycle class
and tie it into your brand, you're gonna see your brand awareness
go through the roof.
Hi, this is Harper at Moedel PR. This would just be Instagram alone.
But does Dorinda do anything for you?
We really have to push it out there that this is a vegan skin care line.
The thing that's great about your product is that eyelashes can't be too long.
I can't promise which Jonas, but there will be a Jonas,
and I am not talking Frankie. No bonus Jonas for you.
Yeah, I'll be right up.
First off, you're probably thinking, "Why does she have a mask on?"
Well, guess what. People...
It's a little hard to understand you. Could you take it down for a second?
Just so you know.
There is a stomach virus that's going around,
and my twins have very delicate immune systems.
So don't look at me with your judgy little eyes and dewy skin
and you're like, "Sarah, why you so weird?" I don't need it.
Okay, 'cause I don't have a gag reflex, so if I get this bug,
I barf, and then I die.
Well, you have really cute kids so I understand being protective.
They're literally perfect.
I made this executive decision very early on in my marriage.
I was like, "Honey, you're not really father material."
So he got a donor. I got a surrogate.
Anyway, long story, we have perfect babies.
Oh, wow, that's amazing.
Okay, girl talk city with croissants is over.
-Can I move on? -Yeah.
Oh, thanks for the permission.
-Anyway, you've been here a little while. -Four years.
Right, the reason I asked you in is because I've decided it's time
to send you on a little business trip since I never really send you anywhere.
-You did send me to Roanoke, Virginia. -Yeah, I apologize.
We paid your hospital bill, move on.
-Yeah. -Anyway, here's the thing...
Disfrutes bottled sangria is looking to expand their brand
from Spain to the States. So we are on the verge of closing a deal
to become their representative PR firm, okay?
-Wow! -I know, wow. Congratulations,
'cause you're going to go this weekend. Three days, Barcelona.
I'm going to Spain?
Why do you act like you've left your apartment?
This is sad. Can I really trust you?
-Are you ready to go represent us there? -Of course.
Okay, because they're a bunch of really horny Spaniards
that like the ladies.
I thought, "Your energy would be perfect for that."
What do you mean my energy?
You know, "your energy, your drive, your ambition, your spunk."
-Why are you putting them in quotes? -Because I mean "vagina, energy."
But I don't sleep with clients.
Congratulations! Oh, my God, where's your millennial parade?
Jesus Christ, anyway...
Have fun in Barcelona, bye.
Bye.
Just hear me out on this, okay, we take your biz-class tick,
switch it to three coach, split the diff, crash at your hotel
and you get to be in Spain with the two of us, the way God intended.
-Amazing. -No.
This is literally the first five minutes of every Locked Up Abroad.
Yes, this is a perfect plan. This is so great,
and I can totally take the time off of work.
I mean, the other dentist at my practice will just cover my patients.
-We have such a nice understanding -Because you're blackmailing him.
What? No.
That's a no. I'm not blackmailing him. I already told you,
I just happened to walk into the office one night when he was huffing nitrous
with our dental assistant Dale, and I was just like,
"Let me do what I need to do,
and I won't tell your wife and kids about this."
Blackmail is like...
"Give me back my son!"
-That's kidnapping. -That's full-on kidnapping.
You're like, "I know something about you. Do what I want or I'll reveal it."
-That's blackmail. -No, blackmail is like selling drugs,
but you're, like, covering it up by having a laundromat,
and you're taking money for the laundromat, but you're actually
putting it into this drug deal, and you're like,
"Meet me at the corner of this and this and if they won't, somebody dies."
Okay, that's a bunch of different crimes, but what you're doing is still blackmail.
Oh, I am. I'm blackmailing him.
Hmm. I guess I'm a blackmailer.
Anyways, the point is I can get the time off.
And I'm freelance so I'm totes avail.
Sorry, ladies, this is a work trip. It's not a vacation.
-You're not coming. -No, because I heard this thing
-on Politico. -Yeah, what did you hear?
And they were like, Harper, Nikki and Leah are going to Spain and I was like,
-"This is on Politico?" -Oh, my God, then it must be true!
-I read that I'm going to Spain. -Oh, where did you read that?
Some dumb idiot's diary?
Guys, I don't come to your work and try and steal nitrous from you
-and clean people's teeth. -You are welcome to anytime.
This is an important work trip for me. I could get, like, a promotion.
Spain, just, like, let it wash over you.
No.
Yes!
No.
-Yes. -No!
Yes!
I'm just gonna buy two tickets, and we are gonna come.
Yeah!
Mmm!
Okay, guys, we have to power through this jet lag
and go straight to the beach. Come on, look at this view.
I wouldn't lie down on that blanket if I were you.
Hotel rooms are black light nightmares. There's, like, residual jizz everywhere.
Where isn't the residual jizz, you know what I mean?
All right, time to get ready for my first meeting.
-Good luck, Boo. -Bye.
Excuse me. Where did you get weed?
From the cab driver, duh!
You got weed from the cabbie?
Yeah.
You did a drug deal, and we didn't even notice?
I work quick, girl, but you know what I'm most excited about?
Seeing all that old man sausage in Speedos.
Specifically the old man?
- It's vintage. - Ew!
I'm like Lewis and Clark, just forge ahead, baby.
Show me that dick.
You know what I'm excited for?
That we're in a hotel room and we can do whatever the heck we want.
What was that?
- Oh, shit. Nikki. Oh, my God. - Nikki, are you okay?
I'm fine.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I didn't know it was two beds.
You want a smoke?
- This is a cool trip. - Are you okay?
-Yeah, how's you guys? I'm having fun. -All right...
I thought you were dead.
Ladies, I will text you after. Be safe, okay?
Your wish is our command.
- Yes, honey. - Bye, love you both!
- Love you! - Come on, let's smoke.
I'm not gonna smoke with you.
Remember the last time I got high with you?
I embarrassed you in front of all your drug friends.
Remember? And then I tried to convince everybody that Shallow Hal
-is the best film of our generation? -People who smoke aren't drug friends.
They're just friends.
Yours are drug friends. You know, they're always just like,
"Look at this dank strain of legalize.
Oh, what's this flavor? It's Apple Blossom. This is so good.
I love this strain of dank."
-Who are these people? -That's how your drug friends talk.
-They never say "dank." -Yeah, they do.
-All right, enough of the sass. -Okay.
One puff.
One puff for the old Nickster.
Nasty Nikki.
Okay, I've got this black light app downloaded.
Let's test this jizz theory.
-What the fuck? -Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It's everywhere!
How did it get up there?
-Nikki! -Everywhere!
Do they just jerk off wherever they want?
Who are they? Who are you?!
So many different types of boobs and nips.
They're like baggy fingerprints.
Bilbo Baggins...
Little Bo Peeps...
Honeydews, Rhi Rhis, Daniel Craigs.
They're all just so beautiful, you know?
- Yo. - I'm at the beach. Where are you?
-Hi, Khaleesi. -Hello, hello, hello.
-Hey, girl. -This is Diego. He works for Disfrute,
and he's so nice that I just told him that you guys tagged along.
Wow, you're cute.
Oh, thank you very much.
- What? - Oh, no.
-Whoa. -Were you wearing sunscreen?
-What am I, burned? -You're a little red.
No, let's not lie, you're a lot red.
- Red lobster baby. - Oh, my God.
Am I gonna get sun poisoning?
The Spanish sun is so strong, but don't worry, it will fade
by this evening, and you will still look beautiful.
Oh.
Just get yourself, dip a washcloth with milk,
dripping it on your supple body.
-Thank you... -Diego.
-I am Nikki-ah. -Nice to meet you, Nikki-ah.
Nice to meet you, too-ah.
Might I say that you are sunburned like a lady of Swedish royalty.
Might I say, I am a Jewish person.
The chosen people.
-We are the chosen people. -Sure.
I'm so sorry I have to leave. I have my daily workout.
Why don't we meet tonight at the club? What do you think?
Oh, yes, I would go to the club. Ladies, do you want to go to the club?
-Sure. -I'd go to the club.
I love clubbing and drinks and the music that they play.
Well, we'll have dancing, drinking and hopefully, something else.
Like making out and doing it.
I would love that inside of my heart.
-See you later. -Okay.
Preciosa.
- Cuidado. - I will.
See you at the club.
Flood your basement, he wants you.
Call FEMA. It's an emergency.
All right, well, let's get ready for the clubs.
- It's two p.m. We've got hours. - Yeah.
I want you guys to be excited for the club.
-I'm so excited for the club. -Yeah, the club!
The club!
Pick a side. Let's go!
This is how it goes.
Three cute ladies coming through!
Sorry, okay, excuse us.
You gotta move. You gotta move. You gotta move.
-We're three friends. We have to drink. -Girls night.
Excuse me, sir. Can we get three shots of tequilas?
Sarah's calling me right now!
No, do not answer. You're in Barcelona. You could be sleeping.
Yes, actually you really do, you need your sleep, so...
To may gals!
Aww!
All right, I'm gonna hit "decline."
-I'll show you love. -Okay.
Okay.
Everybody, everybody, jump!
I'm almost done. But first, my friend,
Leo West!
What, you're talking to me?
You like my face? Oh, cool, I like your face.
Two thumbs up for your face.
What, what are you pointing at? What?
You want me to go up there?
- You guys. - What?
The DJ, he wants me-- he wants me to go up on the stage.
-Fuck, go get your man. -He's not my man. He's a man.
-He's not my man. -Go get your man.
- Okay. - Go get laid.
Bye.
Okay, excuse me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I apologize. Time sensitive. Sorry, I'm so sorry.
This is the only way.
Hi, the DJ said that he wanted me to come backstage. So--
-Hello. -Hi, you know what? You're pretty,
but you're really mean, and that's gonna serve you well in life.
-She's good. -Oh, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
-Hi. I'm Leo, nice to meet you. -I'm Harper, nice to meet you.
I must say, you're very talented. I really enjoyed your music.
I really enjoyed it.
I've not started yet.
-What? -But I'll tell the other DJ
how much you enjoyed her music.
Oh, that girl. You seem much more talented.
-I do? -Yeah, like a refinement to you.
-You can tell that from me now? -You've got more of a--
What I meant to say was you're probably better than her.
-Thanks for that. -Yeah. Or who knows.
Maybe you're a sociopath or a garden variety d-bag for all I know.
Okay, or I could just be a nice guy that wanted to tell you something.
-What did you want to tell me? -Don't freak out about it.
Do you mind if I just do that?
I just wanted to show you that you've got a massive dick on your face.
-What do you mean? -You've got a massive dick on your face.
Oh, my God. I have a fucking dick on my face!
What the fuck?!
You didn't know you had a dick on your face,
and I wanted to help you and take it off,
-which is what I'm going to do right now. -Well, thank you, I guess,
so you're preserving the teaspoon of dignity that I have left.
-You are very, very welcome. -I mean, what's the point?
Everyone already saw my big glowing dick face.
You know, I think it's a dying art form, the old cock face.
You do? Well, in that case you should know that that was nothing for me.
That was like a six.
-All right, steady on. -The balls on the last one
would have really knocked your socks off.
Not that I-- Not a real one. Like a--
-You know what I'm saying. -I know what you're saying.
Are you staying out for one?
-I mean, maybe, it depends. -Depends if the music's good or not?
It's probably gonna be shit, right? I don't like EMD music.
In case the music isn't that bad and you do stay 'round,
then give me a call.
Oh.
And if not, I have a picture of you with a dick on your face,
and that's photo blackmail, so you have to see me again to delete it.
Right, well, break a leg. Do you say that for DJs?
You can say whatever you fucking like.
All right, have a great fucking set, man.
All right, I will have a fucking great set and you have a--
- No, one saw that. - Okay.
Oh! I think I'm gonna throw up.
We've been looking for you. Where have you been?
We're VIP's now baby. Hi!
Oh, hi! Harper, we're dancing on the table and stuff. I totally get it now.
I mean, I feel like I'm definitely gonna hurt myself,
-but this is fun, right? -Wait, why are we at this table?
Well, Hernando saw my sick ass dance moves and invited us over.
Hola,
I'm Hernando Montavia Portavano Garcia Castillo.
-Oh, and I'm Harper. -Nice to meet you.
-You, too. -Okay, thank you, sir.
-So what happened? -It was amazing!
We totally had a moment, although our moment did happen
because I had a giant glowing dick on my face, so that was--
Wait, what?
Some dude was like, "Whoa, I show you love,"
and he drew a dick on my face.
Listen, the DJ is a very good friend of mine.
-Really? -Yes, come to my house.
-He will be there. -I'm just like--
I haven't really slept with anyone in a while, so I'm a little nervous.
You don't tell him that. That's an over share.
-I have a really difficult boss. -Also an over share.
Stop telling him personal things.
I've not been feeling very good about myself lately.
- Will you learn to be cool. - Can we go?
We just have to wait for Diego to get here first.
Oh, he texted me. He said, he doesn't know when he's gonna get here.
He's very sorry, especially to his mermaid siren Nikita.
Okay, I guess I'm a mermaid siren.
Just tell him to go to Hernando's, then we can hook up there. Huh!
Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that.
If Hernando thinks by sending this car for us
one of us is gonna sleep with him, he has got another thought coming.
Okay, you know what, maybe I will.
-Really? -Older sausage, baby.
- Eww. - All right. Look at this house.
Guys, I'm definitely doing something fucked up tonight.
I cannot wait.
This is like the Eyes Wide Shut house.
If I were you, I'd keep my eyes wide open.
- I'm down for this, for sure. - Cool.
Why not? That's the better question for most of us.
Oh, my lovelies, so glad you made it.
Thank you so much for having us.
Please, explore, help yourself with food, drinks, smiles
-and eye opening sexual experiences. -Hmm.
Okay, well, I got to pee and go find a fucking problem, lick.
-Lick. -Have a good pee.
Is Leo West here yet?
Relax, enjoy your party.
I will, yes. But is that a maybe?
-Should we go find the food? -Yes.
Okay.
I should call Leo, right, or text him? He's probably wondering where I am.
What if he's in the club looking for me?
You know, I should let him know that I'm here,
'Cause I feel like he was really into my vibe.
And I don't think he wants to play games any more.
No, everybody loves games. He's going to show, okay,
and when he gets here, you should just be cool.
You know, just be like, "Oh, my goodness, you're at Hernando's, too?
That's such a coinky-dink. Hernando's my uncle,
and we love to go to Lake Cuomo and hang with all the celebrities
-on a yacht." -What?
A yacht, is that not how you say it?
Yacht. Boat, yacht, ship. What am I doing wrong?
Nothing. It's perfect.
All right.
You know what? I can't pretend to be cool with this anymore.
It's kind of disgusting. We're eating off of a person's body.
It can't be sanitary.
She can hear you.
By the way, ma'am, I did not mean to imply that you are disgusting.
It's just that I don't know you , so, I probably shouldn't
be eating out of your crotch.
She's my best friend, and I would still not be like,
"Guess what. I'm going to eat hummus out of your crotch tonight."
You don't put food on your crotch, unless you've got a yeast infection
-and you put plain full-fat yogurt. -What?
-Hola chicas. -Muy bien y usted?
-Spanish. -Oh, drugs.
Just come straight in with the coke. I blew some rails earlier, so I'm good.
She's full up. We're both full up on cocaine.
How about one of these? It is for children that are hyperactive,
-but for other people is really good. -Oh, it's Adderall.
-Yeah, let me grab one. -What are you doing?
It's a regulated drug.
Yeah, that means they're regulating your access to it.
Let me have one more actually, because it's regulated for children,
and I'm an adult.
They're trying to regulate people's consumption of it,
-not just the age of the people taking it. -That is not what that means.
I'm a dentist. I know that that is not what that means.
It means it's regulated for the consumer public.
-Si. Si. Disfrutala. -Okay.
-Disfrutala. -And to you as well.
-You know what? Let's live, let's party. -All right.
I'm gonna call Diego.
So can you GTD?
-What does that mean? -Give me them digits.
Okay, that's not a thing that people say.
I'm literally starting it, and I would love your support.
I'll Airdrop it to you. There you go.
Phones are crazy, right? Yeah, all the stuff.
-Thank you. Oop. Shouldn't touch you. -Mnh-mnh.
Let's divide and conquer. I'm gonna go make a phone call
that I'm going to regret. Find your own fun, bitch.
She's a pill, huh?
Oh, shit. Sorry.
You like that show?
Mm-hmm. You can stop peeing.
Okay.
Oh, my God. Por la amor de ellos.
I've got to show you the jacuzzi.
Well, I want to see la jacuzzi.
Okay.
Stay sweet.
Yes!
You hit the jackpot, Nicole.
Hmm.
Oh, hi.
You look great. You look great.
Hmm.
Are you enjoying the party?
Oh. Yeah, yeah, it's nuts.
Did you try the drugs or the open sexual practices
or maybe just a swim?
I had the sushi, which I kind of feel covers all three.
You're funny.
-Does that work for you? -Not really, no.
Oh.
So, do you know if Leo West is gonna show?
Harper, you have to work as hard to find yourself as you work to find him.
Now, join me in the den for a spiritual connection.
Cool.
-What? -Your beauty makes me crazy.
Crazy, like I murder people with a knife.
You're so beautiful in the face.
I'm gonna ignore it. I'm gonna ignore it.
Hey, Diego, I know it's late, but I just thought, "Why not, right?"
Let's just hang, you know, of course assuming that you are awake.
Which you may very well be asleep and if so, I'm sorry that I woke you up.
Actually, that doesn't make sense you should be here, right?
Sorry, I know that it's a voice mail, and you can't answer me right now.
Whoa! It's 4:30 in the morning, hon.
Well, I am on a lot of drugs and alcohol right now,
so that does explain some of it.
By the way, this is Nikki. I don't know if I said that to you yet.
Nikki is Harper's friends, so you know Harpers from works.
I think...
I think there are some feelings, okay,
and not quite kosher.
Sorry you probably don't even know what kosher means.
Well, I'm gonna teach you. Don't worry, I'm not going to, like, circumcise you.
What? No, but honestly, I love to flirt.
Thank you so much, and I look forward to speaking with you. Bye-bye.
Okay, wow, you're fucking nailing him, bitch.
Whoo! Good job! I'm gonna see how fast I can go.
Take this, you little machine.
What?
-Oh, shit! Okay, okay, okay, okay. -Run!
I'm going to fucking die tonight, in some stranger's fucking shitty boxers.
To the left, to the left, there you go.
Puta!
Hey, Harp, we have to get out of here now. Some shit went down
and it's mostly my fault, but you know, life, we got to get the fuck out of here.
-No, let's stay. -Harper, listen to me!
Someone's gonna come in here and fuck us up with a goddamn knife.
-On my back! -I smoked hash, and it was really nice,
-and Nikki took some hash. -Great story.
So it was really fun and okay.
-Listen to me, don't move, okay? -Okay.
That was fun.
How many languages does your boyfriend talk?
My boyfriend talks more than one, at least.
English and Spanish...
-Dude, Nikki, wake up, we gotta go now! -What's happening?
This married guy ate me out, and his wife caught us. We got to go.
-We're gonna get stabbed. -Whoa, I burnt 4,000 calories!
-I don't care. Grab your shit, let's go! -Do you have a coin?
-Harper! Go, go, go! - I really wanted Leo to see me right now
'cause I'm really cool and sexy, and I think he would be in to me.
Gracias, thank you so much. Oh, gosh.
We did it, ladies.
Deal with that in a second.
What are you looking at? Oh, the light. Yeah, there's more light this way.
Towards our hotel, okay.
No, no, no, no time for stetchies.
-No, I have to be even. -I understand, but I'm tired.
Let's go, get some sleep and rest our weary heads.
-I gotta shit. I gotta shit. -No, no, no!
-I'm not strong. -There we go. There we go.
-Just hold it, just hold it. -I've got to push it back in.
Nikki, honey. How are you doing?
-I'm good, how are you? -Good.
-Want to get on my other side? -Oh, I'm so hungry.
-Are you guys hungry? -Yes. No, no, no. Okay, okay.
Hey, dudes. Do y'all know where's a good pizza joint around here?
- Pizza? - No, you guys are beautiful.
Do you have the menu for room service?
They don't. They're not in our hotel. We're outside.
- Those look good, empanadas. - Yeah.
"Si, y helado de chocolate."
Then just a big pile of corn on a plate with a little bit of ranch on top.
-Yeah, a lot of bit of ranch. -And then, all these muffins.
-With a side of ranch. -Yeah.
I can't believe we left the club.
If we'd stayed, I would be with him right now.
We had, like, a real connection.
You guys didn't see it. There were sparks.
I have to work anyway.
-My boss keeps texting me. -Can I see your phone?
Yes, I got, like, ten text messages and four voice mails.
You guys, I'm so hungry, I feel like there's a monster inside of me.
And she's like, "Give me all the foods and snacks
and also don't forget the desserts, okay?"
Check this out, bitch!
You're man Leo West is in Ibiza tonight. This is fucking fate.
-Yes, yes, yes! -Okay, stop that. Please stop.
I can't just fly to Ibiza, I mean that's crazy.
Why? It's, like, so close.
Because I have a very important meeting here tomorrow night, and if I miss it,
-I'm gonna get fired. -Okay, here's the T.
Some people land on the moon. Others cure diseases.
You smash this DJ.
Yeah, actually that was really impressive and a good point.
No, I gotta stay here and keep my job.
Harper, what do you want to do?
I want to go to Ibiza.
-Then we're going to Ibiza. -But I can't go to Ibiza.
Yes, you can. This is destiny. We're going to Ibiza.
You know what happens when destiny calls.
-You accept. -In the words of Destiny's Child...
Say my name.
-Guys, he's so hot. -He's so hot!
-I can't go! -You don't have to make the decision
'cause we're gonna force you.
Harper!
Harper! Harper! Harper!
Harper! Harper! Harper! Harper!
Yay!
Guys, this is our bestest friend Harper.
- Hi, Harper. - And we are going to Ibiza.
So we can track down this DJ that she's gonna get dirty,
nasty, sexy with.
You're a dirty little minx, just like your friend Leah.
Well, trying it out. It's a new look for me.
It's bloody brilliant.
My grandfather always said, "Youth is wasted on the young."
You, my new friend,
-are not wasting it. -Yeah, actually, I once went to Norway
to follow a girl I was in love with. Turned out she was stealing my identity.
-Tried to kill him. -She did try to kill me.
I got a dynamite anecdote out of that one. So this could really bear fruit.
Yeah, okay.
I'm the shot police. It's against the law to be in this area without a shot.
All right.
- I like this girl, she's cool. - That's my girl.
Don't worry, you're gonna be riding that DJ's filthy dick in no time.
Oh, boy, I hope it's not too filthy.
Well, he's a professional musician, so it's probably hanging by a thread.
This is all theoretical. I probably won't find him.
We'll never have sex. He doesn't have any interest in me.
-We just met once. -Of course he does.
You've gotta trust these guys. They're soccer players.
Well, not soccer, football. Football is soccer, in England.
-Everywhere. -Well, it's just for fun.
-We're not, like, professional-- -We're actually male model scientists.
- Oh. - Professionally.
Well, I'm a lawyer, actually professionally, for real.
-In true life. -Cool.
James, stop telling the truth. What's wrong with you?
'Cause we don't want to start off a new relationship on a lie.
-Relationship? -Yeah, well, not like,
we're gonna hold hands and go to the cinema,
but more of a relationship with you and that lady over there.
Or any inanimate object.
Yeah, like a bloody belt.
We have much more of a relationship than you have with a belt.
Yes, although, that has been wrapped round my waist.
- That's a bit aggressive. - No, too far. Okay, great. Well--
- Guys, Ibiza! - Ibiza!
-Olly, olly, olly! -Yes! Yes! Yes!
Sir, can you please take us to the sunset and then straight to the DJ dick?
Whoo!
I can't believe we're fucking here.
-I know. -It's bonkers.
We're in fucking Ibiza, man!
I have to say to say, if this is as good as this trip gets,
- this is pretty good. - Yeah.
And none of us are taking photos, we're so in the moment.
You guys, it's been, like, over an hour.
Hola, yes, yes, yes. Yo necesito una taxi.
Mi y mis hermanas estamos el norte playa, Puesta del Sol.
Hola.
-Hola! -Okay.
What the fuck? They hung up again!
So we're just stuck here in the middle of nowhere.
I have to call Cruela DeCunt soon. You know how bad I am at lying.
And then what happens if we actually do get to Flow?
Have you thought about how we're gonna get in?
Don't we have to be like hot or rich or bribe the door guy?
-A cab, a cab! -Oh, fuck, a cab!
Oh, God! Oh, God, hello! Hello. Sorry to interrupt, sir.
Could you please, please, like pretty please, we'll pay you extra,
drive us to the other side of the island to Flow? It's a really big club.
Of course I can take you, come on. Por favor, jump in.
Okay, you're all in? Welcome to my taxi!
-Yes! -Name is Lazer.
Lazer!
Encantado, to Flow. To Flow, we go.
-Hey, Lazer, where are we? -We're almost at my house.
What? No, you've got to take us to town so we can go to Flow.
I'm just gonna feed my dog first.
-Then I'll take you into town, okay? -That sounds sketchy as fuck.
Hey, you guys, I'm trained in self-defense, just in case.
I can kill a man, like this.
Bless you.
Wow.
A masterpiece. That was great. That was great.
- Thank you. - Maybe we should get going?
Tengo el bebido perfecto para esta situacion.
Be right back.
If this was New York and someone was like "Before I take you to West Ville,
I'm going to drive you to my house in Yonkers
and then go all the way downtown," you'd be like, "What the fuck?!"
Yeah, but everybody in New York is like--
Whereas everybody in Ibiza is, like, cool.
Yeah, girl, this place is built on rose quartz.
-So just enjoy the chill energy, -Yes.
have fun, forget plans.
Ahora si.
So, you want to go to Flow?
I can drive you there, but you won't get in.
However, I'll take you to my niece. She's a dancer there, so I'll call her,
and she'll take care of you.
For real, your niece can get us in?
You know what else? I have the limo I drive on weekends.
I'll take you in that for a special treat. Okay.
You see, Ibiza loves you. Come on, cheer up! Cheer up!
Raise your glasses!
Hi!
Can you open the moon roof?
Los pajaros al tiene visa.
I'm doing it!
I am a total cliche right now, and I don't fucking care!
All right, why not?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
-Shit, you guys, -What?
A bird just shit in my mouth.
It's in my mouth.
It's in my fucking mouth.
Oh, my God! Shit! Oh, my God! Lazer, can I have a towel?
Yeah, of course.
It's in my mouth!
Dab, dab, dab.
I'm gonna throw up!
-Harper? -Hi there, Sarah. How are you?
It has been over 24 hours since you've checked in.
-Where the fuck are you? -I'm actually leaving a meeting.
-I've been looking for new clients and-- -You're fucking lying to me.
You do me a favor, you take those goddamn cocks out of your ear
and stick them back in your mouth, so you can listen to what I'm saying,
'cause I got some shit I gotta throw at your face right fucking now.
This little dinner meeting tomorrow,
-it is a breakfast meeting, okay? 11 a.m. -Tomorrow morning?
Yeah, so take a tub of concealer and shove it under you eyes
and take a package of douche and shove it up your twat
because you need to go there looking and smelling fresh. You got it?
You know, I think probably a dinner meeting is better.
I'm really trying to set the scene with this pitch and I--
It hinges on an evening atmosphere. It's gotta be at night.
Listen, you little fucking hipster Barbie. You need to close this deal.
This is a huge get for this company.
It's a good thing I have a really amazing international plan,
or I would just be so mad at you right now.
I don't want to hear anymore from you, because I'd have to be like, "Oh, cool."
And I don't care.
Yes, I completely understand what you are saying.
I am just assuring you that I have this and that the client seemed to love me,
and I will call you tomorrow after I have nailed the presentation.
-Okay? Thank you very much. -Harper!
-Have a wonderful evening. -Harper!
Okay, all right, here's the thing. The thing is everything has changed.
There's no longer a dinner meeting. It's at 11 a.m.
and our flight lands in Barcelona at ten a.m.
Which means we're cutting it very close, but guess what, my give-a-fuck meter
is at zero, so we're gonna party all night and just not miss our flight tomorrow.
Yes!
Custodia! That's my niece.
?Pasenla muy bien, ay?
Hola, tio.
-?Como estas? -Tan guapa como siempre, mira las cuidas.
- Hello, ladies. - Hi.
Thank you.
Change and shower and stuff.
No, come on.
Come on, chop, chop!
-I feel good, ladies. Do you feel good? -Yeah!
-Okay, hold the wheel. -Oh, no.
What, no, what are you doing?
I need to get this outfit off.
Why not pull over and you can change in leisure.
I need to dress like a lady for my uncle.
Whoa! Whoa. Oh.
I'll be right back.
Don't worry, I just need to get drugs for my nose.
Okay? Good, good, good, good!
So happy!
Oh, Diego texted me back. "An unbuttoned silk blouse
with my brief and soft, sexy slippers. What about you?"
-What? -I asked him what he was wearing.
Look at you sexting!
That's him? Throw out the plan B.
He can do a handstand!
Fuck that, like it's a thanksgiving buffet, bitch.
Don't-- don't touch my phone.
Guys, when should I call Leo? Should I call him right now?
Just be cool, like the opposite of this.
-Okay, I can do that. -No, that's too much.
-No, this is, like, actually blinding me. -Yeah.
-He can't see that strut, either. -Don't strut.
Just be normal.
No, no.
Hey, this is Leo, leave a message.
Leaving a message. Hi, Leo. It's Harper.
You may remember me as the girl with the glowing dick on my face.
So I'm in Ibiza, and I know you're playing at Flow tonight and...
I thought maybe we could find each other.
Oh, boy, hold on. There's something happening.
Vamos, vamos, vamos.
I'm vamosing. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that...
You're sweet. Look at you!
I'm sorry, sir, there's no room for you.
So you could call me or text me--
-Your message has been deleted. Goodbye. -Oh, no. Don't erase! God damn it!
Stupid fucking phone.
Hey, it's Harper's phone, leave a message.
Harper, hi...
It's Leo from the other night. Hello.
I'm glad you called. How you doing?
You can't answer that because this is a voice mail.
I did not expect to hear your voice when I called back that number.
I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting you.
I was hoping it was gonna be you, and it was you.
Which is what I was hoping for, which is good.
Yes...
Anyway, yeah, I would like to hear your voice again live.
Even better, I'd like to see you live.
Live is better than dead. I don't want to see you dead.
Yeah, I wish you'd left a voice mail.
I don't know how long you're in Barcelona for.
I'm in Ibiza.
I wanted to see you again.
It was funny and easy...
And I'm still talking. Can you believe how long this voice mail is?
No, neither can I!
Right, I hope you're having fun. Give me a call back when you get this.
Lots of love, bye.
"Lots of love."
Lots of love, you creep! Ugh!
Stop.
Just stop.
Guys, my message got deleted, and now my phone is dead.
Aww!
Okay, we play fun car roulette now!
Yes, it's my favorite!
Stop it!
Oh, my God!
This isn't funny!
Okay, okay, okay. Such party shitters.
-Okay, we going to the club now, si? -Yes.
I am fully in shock.
My hands are still locked in a fist, look.
You guys, we made it, okay?
-Girls! Girls! -Go!
I bring some treats to take care of you, okay?
Yeah, drink a lot of water. Hey, agua! ?Vamos, vamos! Huh?
And not too much alcohol, si? Uh-huh.
I go to dance now, okay?
I've never done ecstasy before. I think I skipped that whole phase.
Oh, my God. It's maximum happiness, all right?
Body, mind, soul, pussy, butthole, all of it!
Plus, we're gonna stay awake forever.
I've never done ecstasy before either, but it feels like
if there was ever a time and place, it's probably now.
Drink up, bitches!
Oh, I just feel like, I'm in a warm cube of Jell-O.
Listen, you guys are amazing.
You're smart and beautiful, and you can do anything
you set your mind to.
My skin feels so good, and your skin feels so good.
You two are literally the best damn beautiful creatures
- on this goddamn shitty planet. - No, you are.
-No, you! -No, you!
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!
Okay, my babies, I'll be right back.
They're not gonna believe you're here!
Let's go!
Cheers!
Mmm!
Yep, yep, yep!
So, Harper, did you have any luck finding your DJ?
Yes, I think he's in the building. He should be in that booth very soon.
What, are you serious? Your DJ is Leo West?
Shut up! Leo fucking West!
I love him. I literally love him. He's amazing. He's like a proper artist.
He's not one of these plug and play wankers, he's the real deal.
Legit. Yeah, he's incredible.
I mean, you're incredible also, so don't know who I'm more jealous of,
him or you.
He's like a hero to a lot of people, so treat him right.
- Yeah, all right. - That's all.
- It's really awkward now. - This is what you do.
He's doing this thing to try and connect with you.
Thing is, right, you don't have a thing. This is not gonna be your night.
Listen, these two have a thing.
They're clearly gonna be fucking tonight, right?
You have a thing with Leo West. You're clearly gonna be fucking him.
Me and Nikki, you know, we're fucking.
-But you, it's not your night, bro. -No.
We're fucking friends though!
Oh!
Denied!
-Nikki, you're gonna do me like that? -Okay, he's not technically my boyfriend,
but his name's Diego, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have sex with him soon.
So sorry to interrupt, but I'm gonna go find him.
-Oh! -Holy shit!
?Lo siento, lo siento! ?Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento!
Custodia!
-Hey! -Hi.
Can you come here? Can you come down here?
-Hi! -I see you feel it.
I need to find Leo West.
-I bring you to him. -Okay!
- You wait here, okay? - Okay.
Mr. Leo, I brought what you are looking for!
-Look. -Hi.
Can I come in? Is he gonna hurt me? Okay, hi!
-God, it's good to see you. -You too, man!
-What's up? -Right, cool.
-I go dance now, okay? -Okay.
-You make love! -What?
-What did she say? -We make love.
Oh, sweet! I thought I hear that, but I wasn't sure.
-Great, no cocks this time. -Yeah, sure.
-Which is good, it works. -Thanks. I don't know about you,
I have't seen you in a black light. You could still have one.
I might still have one.
-You haven't! -Come in.
Okay, sorry. That was weird.
It's really good to see you.
-Yeah. -I feel like I know you. It's weird.
Even though I don't.
Because you could be a sociopath or just a massive douchebag.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry. I'm the worst.
You're not the worst. No, I have been actually leaving you
rambling voice mails and calling up Barcelona billionaires,
,-trying to find out where you are. -You left me a voicemail?
-You didn't get it? -No.
-Oh, thank God, it was embarrassing. -Oh, my God!
I wouldn't know anything about that, 'cause I leave really cool voice mails.
-Really? -I'm really good at it.
Sir, 15 minutes.
-I have to go on soon. -Really, until when?
Closing, six.
That-- well, that blows.
-How long are you on the island for? -I gotta be back in Barcelona at ten a.m.
-That does suck. -Yeah.
All right.
Okay. I'm just gonna be honest with you.
I'm on a lot of drugs right now, and I have flown all the way here,
and I had a whole other shirt on before that I just took off.
Normally, I don't take a lot of risks.
So even just being here is a huge milestone for me.
The definition of insanity is not living your passion because you're afraid
of swimming against the stream or something like that,
so I think what you should do is you tell those promoters
that you are only gonna do half your set and that you have an emergency
and then we're just gonna spend the rest of the night together.
All right.
Are you saying that just to shut me up or 'cause you actually are saying okay?
No, 'cause I'm actually saying okay. Fuck, I've never done this before.
-I will work it out. -Wait, this is happening?
Yeah, go and dance with your friends and then come back here at three.
-Okay. Yeah. -Okay.
Sorry, was that okay? Yeah, it was good. It was good.
That was great.
-Okay. -Okay, three.
Sweet. You said three. I said sweet.
-Three o'clock. I will see you three. -Yeah.
It's the difference in out accents. It's cool.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Okay, but don't forget to be at the airport at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow.
-Yes. Got it. -But your phone died,
so please don't fucking oversleep.
I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping tonight.
- Oh! - Yeah!
-But be responsible. -James, please.
-James, please. Chill out. -But don't forget, airport, meeting, job.
Airport, meeting, job. Airport, meeting, job!
Airport, meeting, job!
I want you to welcome to the stage
a very special guest DJ!
Leo West!
Ibiza!
It's been fucking crazy all night.
I got to leave a little early. I got to meet a girl.
Boys, you know what I'm talking about. Good night!
-Wait. My hair. -I'm sorry.
Oh, no. This is...
This is really...
This is a dumb room, one would say.
-You want some champagne? -Sure, why not? Yeah.
A lot of nice copper details in here, I appreciate that.
You don't pay for this room, do you?
No, good. It's not worth whatever they're paying.
Oh, just getting some space.
Ho, ho! Is that a fucking hot tub?
On a deck, overlooking the ocean. This is like a date on The Bachelor.
Well, I'd love to take a little nap, so I'm just not sure where to go.
-Let me take you to my spare room. -Oh!
Oh.
-This way. -Okay.
-Would you like the king or the queen bed? -Well, this is a bathroom.
Love you.
Yes, yes, yes.
Okay, let's tuck you in.
You must be tired.
Sleepy Nikki needs to go to sleepy time, right?
-If you want any water-- -I know how a faucet works.
So I'm in luck, I'll see you later.
- Hey, Miles. - I'm gonna go get Leah
to have a nice relaxing seat on my face. Wish me luck.
-Miles! -I'm coming, sweet pea.
Wow, he's a lot.
-Oh, shit, that was hot. -You're pretty hot.
-You're pretty hot, -No, you're pretty hot.
No, you're pretty hot.
Okay, that's what I call a dick pic. Check, please.
So, Harper's with a DJ.
Leah's in that room doing whatever,
and Nikki's in a bathtub.
Classic Nikki.
I have never left a gig before, ever.
I want you...
-...to know that. -All right.
Not sure I believe you, Mr. Slutty International DJ.
Are you slut shaming me?
Yeah, a little bit, I am.
Well, I'm not the one sitting in some random guy's hot tub.
-Oh, got me there. -Mm-hmm.
I mean, I don't want you to think that's what I do all the time
or I just, like, pick girls out and do this and I throw all these lines,
and I don't want you to think that about me. That's, like, not who I am.
That's not what--
I believe you.
Good.
-'Cause I care about what you think. -Oh, you do?
I didn't mean to say that. Did I say that out loud?
-You said it out loud. -Oh, God, I hate myself.
That's nice, I like it, thank you very much.
- I've never dated a guy like you. - Me neither.
-What kind of guys do you date? -Really fucking handsome ones.
-Ooh! -Not like this, like handsome.
Cool, I'd like to meet them.
Tell me the truth,
have you really never walked out on a gig before?
Never.
And you're shit at lying so I believe you.
Yeah.
Click.
Click, click.
-And what was that? -That was my mind camera,
taking photographs.
Click, click, click.
-I have a flight tomorrow, okay? -Okay.
Um...
Also, also, don't forget.
I shouldn't sleep in too late. My friend said I shouldn't forget that.
-Um... also... -Mm-hmm.
Just a moment, I'm just having a moment, just a moment.
It's probably more about the drugs and the drinking and the Spain.
It's just some sort of European thing, right? We don't really know each other.
So this is all pure projection, you know? Right? 'Cause I don't know.
My God, oh, shit.
Perfect, you're flawless, and that's why this is perfect.
Or maybe we just like each other.
Oh, God. Or that I'm really fucked.
Me too.
Fuck!
What?
Fuck!
-Shit! Fucking alarm! -What's wrong?
Airport, meeting, job.
Damn.
This is good.
Oh, you loved that hot tub last night, didn't you, Harper?
No!
You're gonna get fired. Everyone's gonna hate you.
Your mom is gonna be so fucking disappointed in you.
How are you going to explain this? How are you going to explain this?
You can't!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
It's all good. It's all good. I'm gonna be fired,
and I have to be in Barcelona in five minutes, so--
It's all right. I'll come to the airport with you, all right?
-Okay, how do I look? -Let's go, just don't look that way.
Off we go.
I knew it. Where is she?
-Stop screaming. -Okay, we wait, like, five minutes max.
Then we call the police, we go on Anderson Cooper,
-we start an investigation. -No, stop, stop, stop.
- They're boarding now. We just gotta go. - All right.
-She's so fired. -Stop saying it.
We're gonna figure this out. I have a good plan.
-I can't believe I did this! -Stop it, it's all right.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
What are you doing?
I just want one picture that you've not got a dick on your face.
You have to delete that. You promised me you would.
-Don't make me. -Why?
Because it's how we met and we'll show it to our kids one day.
Our kids? Are you kidding me?
With global warming, we've got, like, ten years left, max.
- Are you okay? I'm good. - Yeah, yeah, just--
Right there.
I don't want to say goodbye.
Me neither.
Uh...
Well, thank you for coming to the airport with me.
-Thank you for coming to Ibiza for me. -I didn't come to Ibiza for you--
Fuck it, I did, I did.
Um... Okay, I have to go.
You know, I've never met anyone like you.
-And you know how I know that? -Hmm?
Because if I did, I'd make sure I still knew that person.
Okay.
If I don't see you again, this was really fun and...
...I'm glad.
-More nasally if you could, -Hi, I'm Harper.
I'm beautiful, but insecure in a way that makes my friends very frustrated.
I just threw clothes together and somehow, they look so cool.
I'm Harper.
By the way, 100%.
I'm selling you the sangria.
-I mean, you're selling me the sangria. -That was good.
-Oh. -You look so beautiful.
-I brought you clothes. -Oh, thank you.
You're sweet.
- Hey, girl, ready to do this? - Hello.
Okay, I gotta go. I gotta go. Okay, I'm so sorry. I gotta go.
Sorry, I have an emergency!
Nikki, this is going to be perfect. You're a genius.
You're amazing and most importantly, you look damn good.
I kind of know that I do, and I feel like Harper,
but maybe, like, more professional.
Oh, yes, Susie Orman over here, okay!
Nothing to see, just getting business done.
Oh, were you guys wondering about strategies?
That's what business people know, like me.
Hello, sir, please don't eavesdrop on my business.
-Harper, this is Guillermo. -Yes, nice-- mm-hmm.
Okay.
And I've corresponded with you in the emails and such things.
-Yes, and Jose. -Jose, okay.
We have communicated via emails as well.
This is amazing.
I'm a goddamn mastermind.
-Leah, Leah! -Oh, my God, Harper!
-Holy shit, you're safe. You scared me. -I'm safe.
I fucked up, I'm sorry. I'm gonna get fired.
You're not. Nikki and I have a plan, just hold on to your shorts.
Here's a question. Who at this table wants to get filthy fucking rich?
-What is she doing in there? -Taking the meeting as you. It's fine.
-I got to get in there-- -Oh, no, you reek of sex.
Like, high-five but also, that's some ho business.
Look, she's like a white Steve Jobs. She's got this. It's fine.
What you might notice about both of these charts
is that the line thingy in them is going up.
Three words for you, virtual, reality, experience.
That would require us hiring some kind of technology...
person who worked in virtual reality, but at the end of the day....
She's touching Diego an uncomfortable amount.
Yeah, they full on boned. He fucked the confidence into her.
She's so animated.
Sorry, self driving cars, we've got Sangria.
Perfect!
Well, I do very accurate accents.
Harper, you make a wonderful argument for your company
and seem to understand the vision of our brand very well.
-Thank you. -I think it is no-brainer. We shake hands.
We can have some more drinks and from now on,
we can say we are in business.
Oh, thank you, thank you!
Oh, my God, this is awesome!
-Wait. Why is he getting his laptop? -It's fine, it's fine.
-It's a computer. Just-- oh, no. -Oh, no.
Is this a good news call? It feels like it is.
Why, yes, it is. We are here with Harper, and she's wonderful.
-Go to the bathroom. -Hey, Harper!
Say hello to your boss!
Hello.
No, oh, no, no, no!
-Harper, say hello. -Sorry, who is that?
Who is that? Who the fuck is that?
-Hi, it's Harper! -Harper!
Where the fuck are you?
Hi, I was in the bathroom, so I'm here, the deal's going really well.
I think they are gonna go for it, and I think it's been great!
Holy fucking shit, you get any sleep while you were in Spain?
No, but it's 'cause I was working really hard,
all night, on my presentation.
-What the hell is going on? -I honestly don't know,
-but there are two Harpers. -Harper!
When you get back, I'm gonna rip your face apart,
like a goddamn pit bull...
Oh, you wanted to talk to this Harper?
-That's where the confusion-- -Harper!
Bye. Okay.
I really...
...I do love your sangria.
It's wonderful.
I'm sorry, I didn't...
Okay, okay.
- First you need to-- - Sit up
because you don't want a lot of exposed skin on the jizz.
-Too much exposed skin. -There's a lot of jizz here.
Let's go home.
Yes.
-Hey. -Let's go home.
You know,
I thought about turning the pictures of the twins around
when I met with you today,
because didn't want them to see this, but you know maybe
this is a real teachable moment for them to see mommy
-try to steer you in a direction. -Okay.
So let me just start by saying,
-I'm really fucking disappointed in you! -I know.
I gave you adult responsibility, thinking, "Oh, what? Maybe she'll grow up
and show me she's got what it takes to move up in this job."
-Okay. -Yeah, but instead,
you treat it like a goddamn Coachella vacation,
fiesta, bonita, Mad Max, shit parade. Giving blowies for gelato
and stripping for tapas with your little slut bucket friends.
Ow.
-Are you firing me? -Oh, yeah, fuck yes, I am, yes.
Fuck yes.
Well, in that case,
I have a few things that I would like to say to you.
-I hate you. -Oh, well, join the club.
I hate you, and I feel sorry for your twins.
You're a terrible person,
and you are an awful boss, and everyone here hates you,
-and you're not even good at your job. -Excuse me.
Shut up.
And thank you for firing me, therefore voiding my non-compete clause
so I can call Disfrute, sign them as a client
and steal all your goddamn clients.
That's right. You just met your competition.
-Shut your fucking mouth hole. -Oh, one more thing!
I did catch a really weird, contagious flu on the flight so....
Don't! No!
Bitch!
Stop it, first of all stop breathing and touching things and secondly,
- I need-- hey! You stop it! - Ooh-ooh!
Bye!
- I like this new side of you. - Yeah.
I've been emailing with Diego
and he said that his bosses did love my presentation.
They didn't even mind about the whole charade thing.
And it seems like I might actually score them as a client,
and I could start my own firm.
Wow, that's amazing.
I know. And did Diego say he might be coming to the city soon?
Yes! You guys, I've gotten so much better at sexting. How's this one?
You are my guapo fajita, sizzling the fire in my loins.
Okay, sure, if he's into it, who cares what we think, right?
You know, Ibiza's been pretty life changing for me, too.
Like, I'm thinking about settling down, popping out a couple of babies.
-Just like real norm core shit. -Okay.
Mom jeans, packed lunch.
Oh, my God...
- Leo's calling me. - Answer it. Go answer it.
Hello.
I've got a a layover in Paris. I thought I'd call and leave you
a rambling voice mail, but you've answered instead,
which is much, much better.
It's crazy to hear your voice.
Crazy, like good crazy or...
Great crazy.
I can't stop thinking about you.
Yeah, me too.
-Do you want to come to Tokyo? -What?
I'm playing there this weekend, so come. Do you want to come on me?
We can go to the Kyoto Gardens.
There's this fucking robot bar.
Uh...
-That's insane. -I know, like fucking robots
to give you drinks. I don't know if they actually give you the drinks--
Tokyo you're talking about that's insane, isn't it, not the robots.
Uh, okay. Um...
What what do you say? Do you want to come to Tokyo?
I would love to.
But now I'm just starting this new business,
and I can't.
Any chance you'll be coming to New York soon?
Yeah. Yeah, New York.
-I'd like that. -I would like that, too.
I would really like that.
I had a really good time with you.
I, uh...
I like you.
I like you, too.
Okay, I'm gonna stop talking now. This is worse than my voice mails,
but I will call you. I'll call you when I land.
Okay?
Okay.
Bye, Harper.
Bye.
So...
Leo asked me to meet him in Tokyo.
And I said no.
I told him he had to come to me.
-Oh! -Okay, yes, feminism.
But you know,
-you should have gone. -Yeah, I mean, the feminism is too much
in this situation and being too feminist is anti-feminist.
Stop it at wearing pants.
If he wants to see me, he has to come to me.
I'm not gonna keep flying around the world to see him.
We'll go to Tokyo with him, and then we'll come back here,
-and then you'll make him come to you. -Right.
No.
Yes!
Thank you very much. Mucho gracias.