What do you say we get ourselves some turkey, partner?
They're here!
Now remember, I want you kids to be especially nice to Danny.
- Why should we? - Because I say so, that's why.
- Don't touch that pie. - I'm hungry!
Hungry? You don't know what hunger is.
You want to know about hunger, talk to the Russians.
- They'll tell you about hunger. - Grace has Russia on the brain.
But they're so grand!
Now, Grace was your mom's best friend back in England...
and she's a little nuts, but she's nice.
Her husband is a professor of something.
There will be a lot of kids in there for you to play with, too.
And I don't want you kids teasing Danny. Do you understand me?
- What's the matter with him? - Liz's boy.
She died last year.
- He found her body. - That is just so awful.
He's very shy.
See? He is a retard.
What did I say about using that word in this house, William Swan?
What did I say?
- You going to be okay, partner? - Yeah, I'm okay.
You want a blindfold or a cigarette or something?
- No. - You sure?
Okay. Ring the doorbell.
Hey, sweetheart.
Danny, welcome!
- Look at how big you are! - Yeah.
And don't you look like your mother!
When's the flag on that butterball gonna pop?
- Professor. - Doctor.
- How you doing? - Can't complain.
Why don't you and the kids watch some football with Danny?
Give her the cake. There you go.
Thank you, Danny!
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Welcome.
Let's get you a drink.
You moved.
Keep your arms still!
I miss Liz so much.
I'll see something on the TV, and I'll want to call her and tell her.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Hank, would you mind?
No, not at all.
I can't imagine how Danny must miss her.
How can he understand a thing like that?
The shrink on the base says eventually he'll come around.
Yeah, if nothing else, he's resilient.
Did you know that the domestic turkey is unable to procreate naturally?
I thought only Konrad used that excuse.
We've genetically bred these poor birds to have such large white-meat breasts...
that it's impossible for them to copulate.
- Anything for white meat. - How do turkeys do it?
Test tubes. The way we'd do it, if we were smart.
Richard is such a romantic.
Hank, I'm so happy that you and Danny are going to be close by.
We're not. I signed on to a NATO hospital outside of London.
- You did? - You know, Liz's family's back there.
I figured that'd be good for Danny.
- When do you leave? - A couple weeks.
We'll expect you next year.
Hold on. Let's put her on the couch over there.
- Okay. - Don't push.
- You kids go outside and play! - It's dark outside.
Take a flashlight!
- Can you hold on until the doctor gets here? - Hank's a doctor.
- I'd prefer a sober one. - Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Have you ever done this before?
We don't deliver many babies at the base.
We can hang on till that ambulance gets here.
- I don't think so. - What do you mean, "I don't think so"?
What she means, Richard, is that this baby is hot to be born.
Nothing we do is gonna change that. Hold her knee up here.
- I'm sorry, I've got to push! - Where the hell is the ambulance?
If you gotta push, push. Push.
Okay. Breathe, Gracie.
Okay, hold on. Gracie, listen to me.
You have done this before.
We gotta give this baby a little bit of help.
Push again. Ready?
All right. Ready. One, two, three. Push.
- Push, Grace. - A little bit more. That a girl.
All right. Okay. Breathe.
- Son of a bitch. - What?
We got a little problem here.
What do you mean, "a little problem"?
- Nothing I can't handle, all right? - What?
The umbilical cord might be wrapped...
What do you mean, it might be wrapped?
It might be wrapped around the baby's neck.
Isn't there anything you can do about it?
I don't know, Richard. What do turkeys do?
Of course we can do something. It's a common problem.
You! Get out of here!
Do what he says, son.
Breathe, Gracie, breathe.
- The retard's in there. - Let me see!
No, wait. Come here a second.
Let me see your hands. Are they clean?
All right. Listen to me. Listen good, okay?
I want you to help me out. I want you to reach in there...
Inside my wife?
Look, my hands are too big. I'm too damn drunk. His hands are smaller.
- He can tell me what the problem is. - Let him do it!
- Can you do this for me? - What are they doing in there?
Can you do this for me? Okay. Now, there's a baby in there.
I'll explain later.
I want you to reach inside really slowly, very gently, with one hand, okay?
Go on. Put your hand in there. Slowly, slowly. There you go.
Okay. Can you feel the baby? Can you feel the baby's head?
- I don't believe this! - Shut up, Richard!
Can you feel its neck?
All right. I want you to find the umbilical cord.
It's like a wet rope, like the time we made that trailer hitch...
and it's wrapped around the baby's neck.
I want you to uncurl it so the baby can be born.
- Can you feel it? - He doesn't know what he's doing!
Keep trying, son. Come on.
- Keep trying. - This is insane.
Think. You got it yet?
You do? You got it? You got it. Okay, good.
Now I want you to put your fingers...
between the umbilical cord and the baby's neck...
so that when you uncurl it, the baby can be born, okay?
All right. Can you do that for me? Do it for me now, son. Come on.
- Just do what he says, son. - Okay. You got it? You got hold of it?
Okay. Uncurl it.
Gentle. Slow.
Okay.
You think you got it done? You do?
- It's away from the baby's neck? - Yeah.
Okay, now take your hand out gently.
Okay, Gracie, get ready to push, okay?
One, two, three, push.
- Push. - Push, Grace.
Okay, Gracie, it's crowning.
Take a breath. One more. A big one.
- One, two, three, push! - Push, Grace!
- Push! - Okay!
It's a girl.
Look at her!
A beautiful girl.
Not so bad!
A beautiful girl.
Let's give her to her mama, son.
Careful. There you go.
Good job, son.
Anna.
Her name is Anna.
I'm gonna marry her.
I thought you and me were gonna live together!
What made you think that?
Probably when you said, "When you get here, we'll live together."
Here. Come on. Hurry up.
- These guys charge by the hour. - I'm not crazy, am I?
That was the plan, wasn't it? I come here. I get a job.
- We share a place. Right? - I wrote you not to come.
I was on the road, wasn't I, coming here?
What did you say?
- I'm moving to New York. - What's in New York?
- William. - William?
William of New York? Who's that? Like Joan of Arc?
Would you please be careful?
- I thought you loved me. - Really? What made you think that?
Probably when you said, "I love you."
That's really sweet, Danny, but you're so damn literal.
It's a wonderful quality, okay? Don't lose it.
Thank you.
What am I going to do now? Where am I going to live, Sarah?
I'll tell you what. I'll sublet this apartment to you.
- How much? - $1,600.
- A month? - Yeah.
Okay. $1,550, but I can't go any lower than that.
There's a waiting list a mile long. Take it or leave it.
No, not that box! Goddamn it!
I am never, ever going to fall in love again!
Good luck.
I don't need nobody.
- Tambini said that with the letter I'd get a job. - Well, he was wrong.
- I've come all the way from London! - You got a green card?
Yeah, I'm an American citizen.
I got 15 kids that are waiting to apprentice.
- I'm not an apprentice. - What can I tell you, kid?
I don't have the money. If I did, I would hire 10 of you.
I mean, look how much work I got to do here.
- Mel, you got to move that to the left! - Okay, boss!
I could do that, sir. I'm the best!
You're the best?
Call me in a week.
But the way you talk, where are you from?
I'm from here.
I was born on an Army base outside of town...
but I moved to England with my dad when I was five.
- Is that right? - He died last year, so...
You work delivery and the rent goes down.
Actually that might be useful, because I'm waiting on a job.
- What do you do? - Mosaics, you know?
- I work with tiles. - Is there a call for that?
No, not enough. It's a dying art, really.
They use computers to design mosaics nowadays.
It's like baking, you know?
Now it's all plastic, plastic wrap and advertisement.
Actually, I noticed downstairs, in front of the shop, you have red granite floors.
Pretty rare, from Italy, which is where I trained.
I wouldn't know.
This is it.
No smoking, no parties.
The girl before you here...
she had parties.
Really?
- Smells good. - Here you are.
Do you ride a bike?
- Yeah, I ride a bike. - That's good.
Thank you.
Excuse me. Do you know where Olmsted Street is?
Olmsted Street. Thanks for your help.
Who is it?
I'm sorry. I'm lost. I'm trying to deliver this cake.
Where to?
That's all right. I'm looking for Olmsted Street.
Wait! Anna?
We'll be back later, Mother. I thought you were coming with us.
I can't. I changed my mind.
- I won't let anything happen to you. - Go with her. Have fun!
- I don't want to! - Don't be silly.
I'm not being silly. I can't skate.
It's easy. I'll show you how. I bet he can skate. Can you?
- Yeah, I can skate. - See? Anyone can do it.
No, I'll just stay here with Mother.
Suit yourself. I'm late.
Just make sure to tell Irene that I'll baby-sit Lily tonight.
And make sure Mother takes her medicine at 2:00 and 4:00.
- All right. - Can I help you with something?
This gentleman is looking for Olmsted Street.
Olmsted Street.
Okay, go up to the corner, take a left.
When you get to the second stop sign, you pass a drugstore to the right...
go up to the second stop sign...
take a sharp right, and then left at the church.
Did you understand all that?
Yeah.
You said that? Five years old?
"I'm going to marry her."
I know, my father told me that stupid story millions of times.
- Now you meet her. - It's kismet.
- Yeah. What's that? - Fate.
Anna Swan, what a beautiful name.
Vicious birds, swans, vicious.
What do you know about them?
Once they drowned a boy in Boston in some park.
No. I mean the family.
Yes, they're very nice people. They come in here sometimes.
Blind girl, she has a sweet tooth.
She loves raspberry tarts.
The mother is sick...
and the one called Anna spends a lot of time with her.
- Does she live there? - I don't think so. Why?
- He's in love with her. - No, no. I'm not in love with her.
When you least want it, love happens.
Like appendicitis.
I promise you, this is not love. I know love.
No, when I fall in love, it's like an alien invasion in my body.
I turn out like a complete idiot.
I won't say it won't happen to me again, but it won't be this time.
And what's the event?
She didn't say. She just called up and ordered the cake.
- Nothing written on it? - No.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
You don't want to take it?
No, I'll take it. It's my chance to meet them.
- Yes, coincidence. - Exactly!
I can deliver the cake.
I recognize the house, see the name on the door...
introduce myself.
This is your chance to meet the young lady.
Yeah.
Anna.
What is she? She's, you know, not an astronaut or anything, is she?
- She's just a woman, right? - Correct.
Right. The world's full of women.
- More than men. - Exactly! No big deal.
I helped deliver her. What's, you know, the big deal?
Two normal people being introduced.
Take all the mystery out of this situation, and then we can just be friends.
Right.
Okay. Here. Give me the cake.
Hi. I'm Danny Kowalski.
I delivered you, and now I'm delivering you a cake.
Hi. Remember me?
I'm Danny Kowalski.
I remember you.
I really remember you.
It's me, Danny Kowalski. Remember?
Hi.
I'm Danny.
- Hi! - Hi, honey.
I'm glad you're here.
My God.
- You shouldn't move. - Here, I'll put this... Is this cold?
- Now that blood will never come out. - What happened?
- The delivery boy fell off his bike. - I'm all right, really.
- I have your cake somewhere. - That must be the cake I ordered.
What's the occasion?
- Are you okay? - He'll probably sue.
- You think so? - I would.
- I'll call an ambulance. - No!
- Keep still, you idiot! - I'm all right.
No. Really. Thank you. I'm all right.
I'm fine.
Hello. My name's Danny.
Danny Kowalski.
Oh, no.
Here. Watch his head.
- Give him room. Just give him some space. - Let's get him inside.
Hello.
No, wait.
Stop screaming!
Anna, would you fetch that for me?
- Billy, come out of the refrigerator. - Where's that beer I bought?
- You drank it, Billy. - Hello.
Daniel! There you are!
- Are you feeling better? - Much better, thank you.
- Everybody... - Hi.
Listen.
This is the man-child...
who thrust these very hands...
deep inside my reluctant womb...
and wrestled...
until he had wrenched life itself...
from my unwilling loins.
- Come here! - That's extraordinary!
That's the retard! You're the retard.
Here she is.
- Anna, come here. - I thought you were kidding.
Isn't she magnificent?
Mother, please.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Last time we met, you were covered in afterbirth.
- There's a line I bet you never heard before. - Danny, this is Eric.
Danny is the man responsible for bringing me into the world.
I'm very grateful. It'd be a less interesting place without her.
- Think nothing of it. - Glad you're feeling better.
- I'm Karen. - Hi.
- Is that your baby? - Right.
- Hello. - Can you bring the baby in here, please?
- Why'd you fire her? - I don't like her.
She read too fast and she skipped parts.
He hired his girlfriend to read for you.
She wasn't one of my girlfriends.
Right. Your girlfriends don't know how to read.
Honey. That's so ridiculous.
Don't start that thing.
Mother used to read for me, but she finds it hard to breathe now.
What's that sound?
These are...
These are pieces of tile I keep on me for good luck.
Really? Can I feel?
Yeah. Here. That's a piece of red marble.
And that's...
That's a piece of malachite, another piece of marble.
Is something wrong?
No.
Are you sure?
Yeah. I'm fine. You can keep those.
- Really? Thank you. - Feel nice?
Yeah. I like it.
For good luck?
Good luck.
Do you want corn?
- We have to find someone to read for Nina. - She uses them up like tissue.
I do not. I don't go through like tissue paper.
Does everybody know that Daniel's a tiler?
Maybe he could do our guest bathroom, honey.
Not that sort of tiler. Danny's an artist.
- It's a nice bathroom. - I restore mosaics.
Interesting.
Yeah. Mr. Tambini, my teacher and mentor...
said that I have great potential, potential to be a master tiler.
Fascinating.
- Do you ever do your own work? - Just restoration at the moment.
- You don't find that limiting? - Actually, I do.
So, basically you're a repairman.
- Would you like some wine? - You know, alcohol is poison.
Please!
Karen, you're the Ralph Nader of gastronomy.
I'm just telling you the facts.
I read once where they took a rat...
and injected him with alcohol 20 times a day for five years.
- You know what it died of? - Holes?
- I like this guy. - Why don't you have some parsley?
Karen, please. We have to find someone to read for Nina.
I'm going to read Anna Karenina.
That is the greatest love story ever written.
- Don't talk about love while I'm eating. - Father doesn't believe in love.
Daniel's a romantic. I can tell.
You've been in love, haven't you, Danny?
Yes, I have, actually.
You have? What's it like? Tell me.
I'm all pins and needles.
What's it like?
All right.
You know how...
when you listen to music playing from another room...
and you're singing, because it's a tune that you really love...
when a door closes or a train passes, so you can't hear the music anymore...
but you sing along anyway.
Then, no matter how much time passes...
when you hear the music again, you're still in exact same time with it.
That's what it's like.
I think.
Made my wife cry.
Thank you, Daniel.
That's a good introduction to what I have to tell you.
- I think I'm going to kill myself. - Irene!
- And then I'm going to kill him. - Oh, no.
Please, don't keep doing that, Irene.
Must we go through this every night?
Honey, how many times do I have to tell you? You shoot me, then yourself.
That's how it goes. Me, then you.
- Me, then you. - Irene.
Don't worry. Her therapist never gives her bullets.
- Unfortunately. - Bite me.
- Give her the gun. - Okay, here, take it.
You know, I got it out of my system, and I feel much better.
Yes, in the words of John Wilkes Booth.
- She likes to carry it. - I thought it was real.
Okay, Anna. What was it you wanted to tell us?
She was going to say that she and I are officially engaged.
Anna, that's wonderful! Congratulations!
- There you go, finally! - It's about time.
- When will it be? - We haven't set a date yet.
Congratulations, Eric.
That's so wonderful!
Finally! It's about time.
I could read for you, Nina.
- What? - I could read for you.
Daniel says he'll read for me!
Is that all right? Can Daniel read for me?
I think that's a wonderful idea. Richard?
I don't care.
"Arriving in Moscow, Levin was surprised..."
"to find the Oblonsky household in total confusion."
"He was alone, in that he could tell no one..."
"of his plans to marry Kitty."
"At 4:00 that afternoon..."
"Levin got out of the sleigh at the zoological gardens."
"Well-dressed people, their hats shining in the sunlight..."
"crowded at the gates."
"Levin walked along the path leading to the skating lake..."
"and he kept repeating to himself:"
"'I must not be excited. I must be quiet."
"'What are you doing? What's the matter? Be quiet, stupid! '..."
"he said to his heart."
- It's not working, is it? - What? What do you mean?
We should be outside. This takes place in the garden.
- We should be in a garden. - No.
No, we can't do that.
Why don't you go down to the garden where Anna works?
- That's a great idea. - No. I can't leave Mother.
Of course, you can. I'll be fine.
I'll get your coat.
You won't need a coat. It's a beautiful day. Come on.
Come on, Nina. It'll do you good.
Come on, Nina.
"He had to make an effort, and reason with himself..."
"that all sorts of people were passing him..."
"and that he himself might've come..."
"just to skate."
I hear a bee. Do you see it?
No. Must've gone.
"He stepped down, avoiding any long look at her..."
"as one avoids long looks at the sun..."
A bee.
"But seeing her as one sees the sun..."
"without looking."
That bee is still around.
- No, there's no bee near you. I promise. - Yes, there is!
I can hear it better than you. Get it away from me!
- I can't stand bees! - Nina, relax.
- There's bees all around me! - I'm here.
- Just stand still. - There's bees all over me!
There's nothing around you. Nina, stop it!
I hate bees.
- I'm very, very sorry. - Why did you bring her here?
- It was your mother's idea. - She's not comfortable in places like this.
You did say that she should get out more.
Yes, she should, with me.
- Why only with you? - Because she trusts me, that's why.
I think you treat her like a baby. I'm sorry.
- You wouldn't understand. - No, I understand.
- Nina and I have a special relationship. - I understand.
I'm her connection to the sighted world.
Maybe she should have somebody else do that for her...
for a change.
Well, you know what? I don't think you're the right person to read for her.
- Why not? - Isn't it obvious?
- Are you firing me? - Yes!
- Yes, I'm firing you. - Why?
Because Nina needs somebody who's more...
There's a bee on you.
- Jesus! More what, intellectual? - No.
- Academic? - No, quite the opposite. Simple.
This is a job for a retired teacher, or a child, not a workman.
I don't agree.
You just met my family, and you're gonna tell us how to run our lives?
No! That is not what I meant. What I meant was that Nina...
You're provoking it.
Fascinating creatures, bees.
Each one has its responsibility, it completes it, and then it dies.
Is that what you're going to do?
- What? - Are you happy, Anna?
Yes! Yes, I'm happy!
No, I don't think you are.
Why did you ask the question if you already knew the answer?
- Are you happy? - Yes.
Great. What a relief. Everybody's happy.
- I overreacted. I'm sorry. - Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm fine. Thank you. - I'm very sorry.
No. You know what? I'm glad you suggested we come here.
It was kind of exciting.
Do you want to stay and read some more?
No. I want to go home now. Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
Mr. Palmieri, you will not be sorry, sir. I'm a magician with marble. You'll see.
If I wanted a magician, I would've hired Houdini.
Let's look at these plans over here.
Have 'em cleaned by lunch, Michelangelo.
So, yeah, it's a feminist theater company.
"Actors Without Dicks."
Catchy.
There's no parts for women, and we're doing something about it.
- If that's all right with you. - That's fine. Ladies' first.
Absolutely.
It's like a Diane Arbus audition in here.
Danny, I saved you your favorite Danish pastry, the one you like.
- You spoil me, Clara. - You deserve it.
- Look at all this sugar. It's poison. - Come on. I've only got 10 minutes.
Anyway, the only guy we cast in the play got a real job, so he had to leave.
Wait a minute. Did you just stick your tongue out at me?
Look, Danny, this filthy semi-literate yahoo wants to do me!
- Dreams do come true! - It's her medication. Karen!
Sure, I want to. Right now. Right here on this table.
- I didn't mean to bother you. - Why not?
The way that jelly clings to your chin, it's so sexy. Look at you!
And that pasty white gut cascades over your belt...
like water in a dream.
- What more could a woman want? - What, you think we don't have brains?
I don't think you have central nervous systems.
- Can I have one of these? - Karen, come on.
Karen! Excuse me.
I work with these guys. Have some respect.
I hate that shit!
They think you're beautiful. What's the big deal?
Please! I'm a disaster.
Look at me. I'm 29 years old.
You know how old I'm going to be next year?
30?
Don't mock me. Do you want to do the part or not?
No. I'm sorry. I can't act.
That doesn't stop anyone else in show business.
Unfortunately you can't have any lines, because you're a man.
You stand on stage like a prop. That shouldn't be hard for you.
I would like to help, but I'm working now.
Anna's making the costumes.
Is she?
My God, you're all the same.
What?
You're about as subtle as a truck.
I just licked my lips.
- At least you don't go for the easy ones. - What do you mean?
You foam at the mouth every time she walks into the room.
- Who? - Who? Anna, who else?
You know, you might actually be good for her.
Screw up her perfect little life.
- Anna has a perfect life? - She likes to think so.
You mean Eric.
He's rich, he's charming, everyone loves him.
You play me right, though, I can help you land my little sister.
First rehearsal's Thursday.
All right.
- Have a nice day. - Too late.
Don't look at me.
It's to do with independence, individuals...
No. I think good marriages...
are really based on something in common.
You know, some couples travel, some shop, some garden.
Billy and me, we break up.
That's what we share, breaking up.
He has an affair, I stop eating for a while...
and then we have a huge fight, and our relationship is over...
and we break up.
But while we're doing that...
all the passion that seeped out of our relationship...
comes rushing back in, and he says:
"Please, don't leave me. I can't live without you."
Until we're back together and everything's back the way it was...
until we break up again.
- I mean, it's really kind of pathetic, isn't it? - No.
It's whatever works for you.
Billy, give me that.
- Anna has a secret admirer. - Okay, but just please give it to her.
I'm gonna strangle you.
Sometimes I really think about leaving him, but then I don't...
'cause I really think that would force us together even more.
Billy, he's a moron.
He's a good moron, though.
- Billy doesn't get anything. - Thank you.
What did I miss?
Look at this. Anna has a secret admirer.
He's probably a teenager who works at the garden.
How do you know it's a he?
I'm sorry, I don't go for that stuff.
Eric, read it.
The male sea lion...
wants a female.
- He rolls over, dangles his erect member... - God, Daddy!
In front of her, and presto...
perpetuation of the species.
- That's how Billy met Irene. - Don't flatter me. That's my favorite story.
You should read this for all of us.
You know what? Don't read it, it's not necessary.
I want to see what my competition is. It's a poem.
"Wanted, wanted, Anna Swan."
That's enough.
- No, no. Go on, we wanna hear. - The public clamors, honey.
"Wanted, wanted, Anna Swan."
"Hair, blonde. Eyes, on fire."
"Age, 9,000 days already gone."
What's that in layman terms?
"Already in love or maybe a liar..."
That's enough!
- Continue! - This is good.
"Approach with caution, Anna Swan."
"Your soul's a sitting duck."
"Armed and dangerous, Anna Swan."
"My heart's a bell already struck."
Children present. Sorry.
"I'm dying, expiring, Anna Swan."
"The experts all assure me."
"My only hope is Anna Swan."
"Only your love can cure me."
Let's get the cake!
- Happy birthday, Daddy. - Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Bill. - Thank you.
- Happy birthday, old man. - Happy birthday.
Here you go.
Do you have the proper amount of candles, Mom?
- Who took my eyeliner? Jennifer? - Don't look at me. Emma had it.
- God, I need a cigarette. - There's no smoking in here.
You have to fix my tail.
- Don't do that again. - Do what again?
- Send me an anonymous poem. - How do you know it was me?
- Who else would write such drivel? - What do you mean, drivel?
My God, that's disgusting. Looks like my father.
- This is mine? - Yeah. Here are your claws.
No, you mean trotters.
Trotters, claws. Whatever pigs have, those are them.
Anna, make sure you put it on really tight...
so it doesn't fly off when they hit him with the baseball bat.
Wait. There's no baseball-bat scene in Medea.
Don't worry. We put padding on the inside. See?
Okay? It's a big house out there, everybody.
You look great. Break a leg!
Places!
Okay, that should hold, so don't be pulling on it again.
Don't let your tail drag.
Your mom liked my poem.
Please. "My heart's a bell already struck," or something like that.
- No, that was it. That was it exactly. - I told you, natural fabrics.
- I cannot wear anything but natural fabrics. - Switch with Helen.
- Green? You can't be serious. - You look nice in green. Really.
No!
You know what? You're not fooling anyone, you know.
I mean, everyone knows it. It's so obvious.
You're getting into all of our lives to be around me, so end it!
- I can't. - Why?
Because I love you.
- Please! Are you always this insipid? - No. You inspire me.
Finally. A purpose in life. Pick up your tail.
Anna, please. Run away with me.
Run away with me and marry me tomorrow.
- I'm being seduced by a 6-foot pig. - Story of my life. Come on.
You know, does it bother you at all that I'm engaged to be married?
- I think you should have a choice. - Thank you. I love choices.
Let me think. I'll choose Eric.
- That wasn't very hard, was it? - It didn't seem to be.
- You want to know why? - Not really.
No? I'm gonna tell you why.
First, there's the fact that I have everything in common with Eric...
- and nothing in common with you. - Right.
- He's exceptionally brilliant... - Really?
- He makes six figures a year. - So do I. Of course, the first two are zeroes.
I'm only mentioning money because at one time or another...
he's kept every member of my family financially afloat...
and asked for nothing in return.
- What more could a girl ask for? - Last but not least, he's a wonderful lover.
You're lucky you found him before I did.
"Here comes our sacrifice, Diana."
This is our cue.
"It is Medea."
When are you gonna get married?
We haven't decided yet. Get out there!
Why not?
"Where is our sacrifice, sisters?"
- Get out there! - You're on, porky.
Wait a minute. Listen to me.
"Perhaps we should send someone to look for him."
He's coming!
Know this, I would marry you yesterday.
Anna, could you help me with the mask?
Wait!
Taxi!
- Get away from me. - Anna, just wait.
- 430 South Cornwall. Go! - Just wait.
- Go, please! - Just wait, please.
All right, answer me one question.
- You're gonna get killed. - Does he make you laugh?
Yes! Yes, he does. Are you happy? Just go, please.
- He'll never love you like I can. I promise. - Thank God for small favors.
I'd marry you tomorrow. I'd have children with you.
Dozens and dozens of children.
Let's hope they look like the mother.
Let's go somewhere.
Where?
I don't know. The desert, the ocean, the mountains.
- The bed. - When I finish. I can't...
No!
What are you doing?
Come on. We always used to do it on this desk.
- Did we? - Did we? Yes.
- Yes, we did. - You've been reading Cosmopolitan again.
Very funny. Come on. Do what you used to do to me.
- What would that be? - You know.
- You never do that anymore. - I do.
- No, you don't. - I don't?
You don't. Just do it!
- Now? - Yes! Now.
- I'll finish this, then I'm taking a break. - You sleeping with her?
- You sleeping with my wife? - No.
- That's not what she said. - I'm not.
- You're lying. - I'm not.
- Are you sure? - I'm sure.
How come she's so preoccupied with you? Totally. What are you doing?
You hunting down the women in my life?
Billy, listen. She calls me, all right? She calls me, just to talk to me.
All right.
You're right. What would you be sleeping with her for?
You're right. Okay.
I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you once.
Don't talk to my wife, all right? If she calls, you hang up.
You're filling her head with shit about love...
and manifesting your own destiny.
She's talking about going back to that half-wit marriage counselor again.
Maybe you should go.
- What did you just say? - Maybe you should go.
That is easy for you to say, because you're not married to her.
Do me a favor. Please stay out of my life.
Stay out of my sister's life, too.
- Nina? - No, not Nina. Anna.
You think we're all blind?
She's too polite to say you're a fool, but I am not.
You are making an ass of yourself.
You okay, Danny?
Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt him. I'm a doctor.
I got triple-bypass surgery in 20 minutes.
No one in my family likes you, except my mom, 'cause she's crazy...
and Nina, 'cause she's blind.
Switch me over to OR.
If they let you glom onto them, that's their problem.
But whatever you do, you stay away from Irene.
This is Dr. Swan. Can you prep Mr. Stanton? I'll be there in about 20 minutes.
In love, that's all you need.
- Money. I know. - No, not money. Show him.
See? The coin with two heads.
Your lady says she doesn't want to make love...
so you say, "We let fate decide."
Women love fate.
- Is that right? - Heads, we make love.
Tails, I go away and don't bother you again.
You're saying I should cheat?
What do you mean, cheat?
Cheat.
You know, cheat, trick, swindle, dupe. I couldn't do that.
Why not?
Because there are some things that either work or don't work.
You can't make it work.
It's chemistry. I prefer to take chances.
Give me the coin.
Thank you.
"As anticipated..."
"... the cream of Moscow society had flocked to the annual ball."
"The entrance was lit by chandeliers and decorated with flowers."
"From the many rooms came a murmur of excited voices."
"As the women arranged their hair, the band played the first waltz."
"The whole ball was for Kitty."
"An enchanted dream of color..."
"sound, and movement."
- What was that? - It was just some guy going to the bar.
- I want to go home. - No, Nina.
This is the perfect place to read this.
- It's exactly like in the book. - I don't believe you.
Okay, listen.
"As soon as she entered the ballroom, Kitty was asked to waltz by the best..."
I'm not gonna dance with either of you shitheads.
- Who are you gonna dance with, then? - I want to go home. I really want to.
Just make believe you're at a ball.
You're in Moscow, dancing the mazurka.
- No, I don't want to dance... - Come on, baby, dance with me.
Me? No, I can't dance right now. Sorry.
Look, I just want to dance with your man.
- He's not my man. - She's asking you to dance, dude.
- I can't. - You insulting my lady?
No. I'm not insulting anybody's lady.
If you touch him, Jose, I'll cut you!
- All right, one dance. - Danny, what's going on?
- Just sit down here. - No, don't leave me.
I better dance. It's the mazurka. The woman asked, I can't refuse.
- Come on, baby. - I'll be back in one dance.
We'll leave after this dance.
I saw you looking at me from across the room.
I'm blind.
I knew that was the reason.
You are a beautiful lady. What is your name?
Nina. I'm named after a character in The Seagull.
My name is Jesus.
I was named after a bandleader in Panama City.
- You want to dance? - No, thank you.
- I'm waiting for somebody. - For me. I know. I'm here.
No. I can't dance.
- Everybody can dance. - I can't.
- Yes, you can. - Nope.
When the music calls to him, Jesus listens.
It's all he can hear. Come on, I'll show you.
It's easy.
- Let the music move you. - I told you I was no good.
Who told you that? You're a great dancer.
- I am? - Yeah, you are.
See? Look. You're a natural.
- I am not. - Yes, you are.
Really? I don't dance very much.
A woman who does not dance does not live.
- Who said that? - Me.
Thank you very much.
You're a beautiful woman and a very strong dancer...
but I've got to go.
- Nina. I was worried about you. - Danny, this is Jesus.
- He's teaching me how to dance. - Hi, I'm Danny...
Now I cut your throat.
Watch out!
- Danny, what's happening? - Don't worry. I'll take care of you.
He cut me!
- I'm gonna take you home. - No, thank you.
My sister is coming for me.
As soon as Danny comes, I'll take you both home.
- No. I'll wait for my sister. - Nina, are you okay?
- Yes, I'm fine. - But you've got blood on you.
Blood's not a big deal. Look, this is what you do, okay?
You take it, soak it overnight...
soda water, vinegar, a touch of lemon, comes right out.
My name is Jesus.
My uncle's in dry cleaning.
- This is Anna, my sister. - Where's Danny?
- He got stabbed. - What?
Hi, Anna.
Here. I think this has sugar in it.
- You met Jesus? - He saved my life.
- Thank you. I'm taking Nina home. - No, I can take her. I got wheels.
- Thank you, but no. - I think Nina wants to go home with Jesus.
Will you stay out of this? Come on, Nina.
He offered to drive her home.
- She's going with me. - Excuse me.
Will you please stop talking about me like I'm not here?
I am perfectly capable of deciding for myself...
who I'm going to go with.
Jesus is taking me home.
I need a lift.
God, I just can't believe you brought her there.
The truth of the matter is, Nina had a great time, and you just hate that.
No. Nina was almost killed.
I was almost killed! Look! Nina was fine.
I have enough responsibility trying to keep this family functioning...
without you gumming it up.
Why are you responsible for everyone in your family?
Because I am. All right?
They treat you like a valet service, you know that?
You know what? That's life.
Some people take responsibility, and others don't.
Thanks to you, we've got Nina cruising the barrio...
at night with a dishwasher named Jesus.
Yes, she is, and she's probably having fun...
for the first time in her life.
Wait a second. She's had fun before. Nina's had fun.
Nina's had fun before. When was that? Tell me, when was that?
Maybe listening to your father rant on about how love is a conspiracy.
I know.
Perhaps taking a page out of Billy and Irene's guide to marriage.
Or feeling the passion that you and Eric ooze.
Wait a second. Eric and I have passion. We have passion.
- What kind of passion is that? Tell me. - Here we go again.
How many times have we seen this one before?
The cowboy, the working-class lug.
The stranger rides into town and teaches the repressed little puritan girl...
how to open up.
That is so patronizing, not to mention clich?d and inaccurate.
- Is it? - For your information, I've been in love.
I am in love.
God.
Why do I always feel like...
I have to prove something to you all the time?
I have more passion in me than you'd know what to do with.
I doubt it.
You're attracted to me, aren't you?
Admit it.
Want to know something? Yes. God help me, I am.
But I'm only attracted to you because of your attraction to me.
- Is that bad? - It's ludicrous.
It's a house of cards.
So I have no hope?
No, you have no hope whatsoever.
I mean, we had an interesting experience 25 years ago...
and we crossed paths again.
- That's fate. - Fate?
Yes.
Fate.
Please, the last refuge of the truly desperate.
All right.
All right. Let's have it your way.
Fate rules our lives. Fate caused us to be together now.
You think it's our fate to be lovers, and I think it's our fate to be apart.
Let's see. Right now.
That's endearing.
You want to toss a coin to see if we become lovers.
I forget. Did Romeo and Juliet do that...
or did they just flip baseball cards?
- Are you backing out? - I'm not backing out.
All right, then. Heads, we become lovers.
Tails, I'll go away. You'll never see me again.
You can blame it on fate.
I don't have to blame what I decide on anything.
So put your sentimentality to the test and toss the damn thing.
- But I read the coin. - You can read the coin.
Toss it over here by me.
You ready?
Toss it.
So...
What is it?
- It's tails. - Right. Seriously, what is it?
It's tails.
You sure?
Don't you think I know the difference between heads and tails?
Fate.
"She looked enchanting in her black dress."
"Her neck was enchanting."
"Her hair was enchanting."
"Her visage was enchanting."
This chick was pretty enchanting.
Apparently.
- Nina, can I ask you a question? - I've been blind since I was 10 months old.
- No, I wasn't gonna ask you that. - Yes, you were.
No, I was gonna ask you if you were seeing somebody.
No.
No, I'm not seeing anybody.
Stupid Jesus.
- No, you're not. - I am. I shouldn't have...
No, I was just making a joke.
You know what I meant. Are you going out with somebody?
No.
- What? - Take me home.
- Why? I'm sorry. - I want to go home. Take me home.
I didn't mean that. I'm...
Wait!
- How are you? - Fine.
I'm waiting for Anna. I want to get her a gift before she gets here.
What's that book there?
- Shaw's Man and Superman. - Yeah, I've read that.
- Half of it. - Which half?
Superman.
Listen...
Seriously, I have to talk to you.
Something you should know. Nothing to worry about.
I'm in love with Anna.
Are you?
I have it all in perspective now. It's not a problem.
- And I just wanted you to know. - I'll sleep much better knowing that.
What a thing to say. I guess you hear it all the time, right?
"I'm in love with Anna. I love your girlfriend."
What's it called? An occupational hazard.
- You know, I should look into insurance. - No, that's it.
You don't need to. You got it made.
- She loves you. - Does she?
Yes. Absolutely. She's crazy about you.
What a relief.
- I love the way you do that. - Do what?
You say as few words as possible.
It's very effective. Like a sharpshooter.
I'm a bit more like a shotgun, you know?
Scatter words like birdshot hoping something is gonna hit.
But you can take aim, and bang!
Hit.
It's very effective. An intellectual thing.
- Perhaps I could tutor you. - See, that's what I mean.
That's what I mean. "Perhaps I could tutor you."
Sounds like a nice thing to say, but underneath, bang!
Watch out.
It's great. I like it. You gonna get that for Anna?
- Yeah. - A book?
Why, I believe that's what they're called.
You're outdoing yourself today.
- A word of advice. Don't get her the book. - She wants a book.
No, she does not want the book.
- She doesn't? - No.
No woman really wants a book for a present. I promise you.
What are you saying?
All right. Give her the hat.
A hat?
- I believe that's what they're called. - She has a dozen hats.
A woman can never have too many hats.
I don't understand.
I know.
Get her the hat.
I'll see you.
Everybody, I want you to see...
the most beautifulest girl in the whole wide world!
- She's beautiful, right? - Nice to meet you.
No telling Pop I was here.
That rate looks a little low to me. Do you think?
No, it's fine.
- She's not lucid. - I'm used to it.
No, Mother, it's not Nina.
I'm worried about Anna.
Yes, Mother.
I'm here. It's me, Nina.
What worries you about Anna?
I remember the moment you all began.
Not your births, your conceptions.
I knew you were conceived the very moment your father...
you know, what do you call it?
- Ejaculated? - Not ejaculated.
The other word they use for it now.
- Came. - Yes, came!
- Thank you, nurse. - It's so biblical.
Abraham came. Moses came.
I knew the very moment you were conceived.
Mother, what about Anna?
- What? - What were you saying about Anna?
You said you were worried about Anna.
- She's not youthful. - What do you mean, she's not youthful?
She came into the world in such an extraordinary way.
I think I made her use up all her magic in the way that she came into it.
And now I'm afraid she has no magic left.
What do you want her to do?
- Before I die... - You're not going to die.
Before I die...
I want her to do something extraordinary.
Would you tell her that for me please, Nina?
I'll tell her.
- Don't worry about it. - We're going outside.
Okay! One, two, okay, stop. We're gonna... It's a surprise.
- Where are you taking me? - Don't worry about it.
Are we almost there?
- Stop asking so many questions. - How much further?
Okay. What?
- What is it? - Feel it!
It's a bike.
- It's a bicycle? - Yeah, a bike, a bicycle.
- You got me a bicycle? - Yeah, look! It's cool.
It's got a basket. I had them put this on.
It's got mushroom grips, it's got a bell. It's the coolest one they had, Nina.
Is this a joke?
What do you mean, a joke?
- Why are you doing this? - Doing what?
- What am I gonna do with a bicycle? - You're gonna ride it, sweetheart.
- Are you crazy? - No! Please stop.
It's not a big deal. When I was working yesterday, I got this idea.
- I can't ride a bicycle. - Yes, you can!
- God. Anna was right. - About what?
She was right about everything!
- About the bicycle? - It's not about the bicycle!
You don't understand! It's just...
God, how could I be so stupid?
- What? You're not stupid. - The whole thing is stupid!
It's a stupid mistake. Leave me alone!
It's not a mistake, okay?
It's not!
We're not a mistake.
- Mother, the doctor said you should stay in bed. - What kind of car does he drive?
I don't know. It's too cold.
My God!
Polo!
Marco.
Polo.
They're here.
Ready? One, two, three! Turn!
Uphill! Uphill!
What is she doing?
Slow, slow, slow.
Are you ready? Can you get off?
Yeah.
- Aunt Nina, you're riding a bike! - Did you see it?
It was the most amazing feeling. It was like I was flying.
- The wind was blowing in my hair. - That's wonderful, darling!
- That can't be safe. - It's perfectly safe.
We put playing cards in the spokes so I could hear...
and then I just follow the sound.
This is Jesus, everybody.
Hi.
Hello.
They're his cards.
- I like your family. - They like you, too.
- Except for your sister. - Who, Karen?
No, Karen hates everybody.
- But Anna, she's a cold one. - No, Anna's okay.
She just acts like an old lady sometimes, that's all.
What? What are you doing?
- Tying a scarf around my eyes. - What for?
- I want to try something. - What?
- I want to be blind, like you. - Don't be stupid!
I'm not. I wanna see what it's like.
- You can't. - Yes, I can.
At work, I close my eyes and do all kinds of things.
- It's not the same thing. - I'm ready.
Okay, how do you do this?
All right, stand still.
- Okay. - Stand very still.
Now walk slowly towards the sound of my voice.
Take your time. Hold on, there's something in front of you.
- How do you know that? - Because I put it there.
Okay, there's nothing between us now.
Keep going, keep going... Hello.
The most passionate thing in my life happened to someone else.
All right!
Yeah, I'm coming.
Heads.
It was heads.
I know.
How old is she?
No, I don't want to know that. Forget it.
Forget I asked that. She's blonde, though, right?
God.
What I want to know is, are you sleeping with her?
- Am I sleeping with who? - Tell me the truth!
Honey, I'm telling you the truth. Put it down.
We both know it's not loaded.
Jesus Christ!
Mommy!
It's okay, honey!
Mommy's just explaining something to your father.
- Go back to sleep. - You could've friggin' killed me.
You want to know...
Where did you get bullets for it?
You want to know what is really amazing to me?
How polite people are in gun stores.
You know, you go in, you pull into the parking lot...
and everybody just clears out!
You know, they're so nice.
One little space, and everybody points to it.
They're like, "That's okay, you were here first."
"Go on. No, you take it. Really, it's yours, I insist."
It's so nice.
Sweetheart? Baby, put the gun down.
- No, nope, not gonna. - Put the gun down.
I'm not gonna put it down, because I need you to tell me the truth.
I need you to tell me if you're sleeping with her.
No.
I don't believe you.
- I don't believe... - I swear to God!
I am not sleeping with any woman other than you.
I'm not even sleeping with you, baby, so...
Okay.
I'm just gonna ask you once.
One more time. Are you sleeping with her?
Okay, yes. Yes, I am.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
And then he said:
"I now pronounce you husband and wife."
And then the band began to play.
And we danced a little bit.
I'm so jealous.
I wanted to elope.
But your father insisted on telling everybody first.
That's just like Daddy. He's so romantic.
Shouldn't we take her to the hospital?
There's no point in that now.
You want anything? Are you all right?
I'm a little thirsty.
She wants some vodka.
- She can't drink that, Richard. - Shut up.
Here you are, my darling.
My dark angel...
my little boy...
I know you love me.
We are what we do, not what we say.
To hell with you, my fine fool, Death.
I will not go meekly like an obedient child...
or a quivering bride. No.
He'll have to mount me like an intractable whore...
and drag me, kicking and screaming...
the miserable son of a bitch.
Na zdorovie, my darling.
- I have to go. - Why?
Because I have to go to my mother's.
- I want to tell her. - Can I come?
No. No, not yet.
- I don't want to leave you. - Go on.
You have to go.
I know.
Stop kissing me, or I'll never leave.
Will you wait for me?
Yeah.
Just make sure that Jose does that with the pool...
because he doesn't, you know.
And I'll be back in three days.
Okay.
- Talk to you later. - I called the house.
I can't believe it.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you.
Are you all right?
My mother died last night, and why wasn't I there?
- That's not your fault. - I know.
I know it isn't, but why do I feel like it is?
And why do I...
I feel like I'm being punished...
for not being somewhere that I should have been.
I feel so lost.
Hi.
We should go, sweetheart.
I gotta go.
Of course.
Of course you gotta go.
You waited.
You knew that was gonna happen, right?
I didn't have a clue.
I never do.
What are you gonna do?
- I can't help thinking that this is my fault. - It's not.
No. I know, but I keep feeling, what if I hadn't come here?
- What if we hadn't... - You think my mother would still be alive?
No.
She adored you.
You were right, what you said.
- What did I say? - About passion.
About how we run into passion blindly.
How we lose our perspective, and, right in the middle of it, real life happens...
catches up and changes everything.
Yes, it does.
- Everything comes crashing down. - Like a stone.
Yeah.
I feel like a weight's been lifted off my back...
'cause I hated feeling about you like that.
Did you?
Yeah. It made me feel foolish. Stupid.
Like someone else was inside me, saying those things, doing them.
- And like you said, it can't last, can it? - No, it can't.
- Doesn't... - Doesn't, not at all.
- I'm so sorry about your mother. - Thank you.
- Did you tell Eric? - About us?
Yes, about us. What did he say?
Yes, I did, and he said it's already forgotten.
See, that's great.
He can forget something like that ever happened.
I wish I could be more like that.
I wish I could be more controlled.
I'll see you on Monday.
I'm leaving in a couple of days. Probably better like this.
Yes, much.
I'm sorry if I messed anything up for you.
- You didn't. - You sure?
Good-bye.
So, Irene, you saw Estelle?
Yes. She seemed depressed to me, at the funeral.
Yes. She was upset. She seemed upset.
Hold on a second, honey. Eric has something to tell us.
I was gonna say that Anna and I are flying to Paris to get married.
- Paris! How romantic. - That's wonderful.
- Congratulations, you guys. - I'm happy for you, darling.
- Thanks, Dad. - When are you guys heading out?
- Sunday. - Sunday? That soon?
Does anybody want more coffee?
I'll have some.
Why did you want to see me? I have to go and pack.
Jesus finished reading Anna Karenina to me.
- You didn't ask me here to tell me that. - Mother was wrong.
It's not a great love story. It's a stupid love story.
- Is it? - Yes.
She throws herself under a train.
I've read it.
But even after she did it, she realizes she made a mistake.
She tries to get out, but it's too late.
What's your point?
- Don't go to Paris. - And what should I do instead?
- Find Danny. Go with him. - You're being childish!
I'm not being childish. You don't love Eric.
- Yes, I do, in my way. - And what way is that?
I can't explain it to you right now. There are other things involved.
- What things? - Karen, Father, Billy, you.
- Don't hide behind us, Anna. - What do you mean, hide behind you?
We don't need you.
You don't need me?
How can you say that to me?
My God! I have nursed you all when you were sick!
I've given you money. I've taken care of your children.
I've lied for you!
And you just stand there and say you don't need me?
Because we don't.
Look, it's not the same. Everything's changed.
- What? What's changed? - Everything. Everyone.
Danny's love for you is so enormous, it spilled over onto everyone else.
He's changed you, too...
only you're the last one to notice it.
It's the mosaic Danny worked on.
Jesus described it to me yesterday.
You love him.
Of course I love him.
Of course I do.
But I'm scared.
I've been scared my whole life.
It's only now...
that I'm in love, I'm not scared.
- Where did he say he was going? - I don't know.
- She took my Ring Ding. - Did not!
- Did you take his Ring Ding? - Karen, please, think.
Atlanta. He said there was work there.
- Did he say how he was getting there? - The train, I think.
Thank you.
Listen, you don't want that.
The sugar's poison.
You know, they injected a rat 20 times a day...
for five years with this stuff.
Do you know what it died of?
I need to find the train to Atlanta.
What are you doing here?
- You were right. - What about?
About everything. About us. I was wrong.
- No, you weren't. - Yes, I was.
No, you weren't.
Look, my train's leaving. I've gotta go.
- No. Listen. - I'm really sorry.
Listen. My mother was right.
She said it was my turn to do something extraordinary and I'm doing it.
I'm here at a train station in the middle of the night...
like a character in a Russian novel, and I'm begging you.
- To do what? - To take me with you.
You don't know where I'm going.
- I don't care! - No. Listen to yourself.
This is passion. Passion talking.
I know all about it. Believe me. And it feels fun.
You do these stupid things like this. But in the end, it doesn't work.
It won't last.
What have I done to you?
What?
You sound just like me.
- Is that bad? - Yes.
It's terrible.
- I'm sorry. - Wait.
We'll do it your way then. We'll let fate decide.
Is that a real coin?
Of course it's a real coin. Why wouldn't it be?
No. No reason.
All right, heads, I go with you, and tails, you can go away...
and I'll never bother you again. Deal?
All right, deal.
- But I read the coin. - All right. You read the coin.
- Okay, you ready? - Toss it.
What is it?
Aren't you gonna read it?
It's heads.
God, I love you.
You did good, partner.
Mom would have gotten a kick out of that.
I'm gonna marry her.
Well, there's lot easier ways to meet a woman...
especially for the woman.