[ Woman Narrating ] Globotech Industries,
long recognized as the worldwide leader...
in high tech weaponry, is now reaching even higher.
Under the leadership of C.E.O. Gil Mars,
Globotech engineers are blazing the trail...
into tomorrow's most exciting market sector,
introducing advanced battlefield technology...
into consumer products for the whole family.
For the first time, you and yours will enjoy...
the same high-quality standards as demanded...
by the U.S. Defense Department at private sector prices.
Globotech-- turning swords into plowshares for you and your family.
He's here. He's early.
He's not supposed to be here yet.
He said-- Okay.
Slamfist Ocula. Good. Check.
- [ Squeaks ] - [ Whispering ] Chickens.
- Hey. - Hey. Let me help you with these.
Pretty exciting, huh?
I don't know. l think it kinda-- it's kinda sad. l mean--
You know, Heartland Toys has a long tradition...
of bringing joy to kids, you know?
Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that.
He's just going to care about profits.
- l think it sucks. - Welcome to Earth, lrwin.
You may not be familiar with our customs,
but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Yeah, well, the real world sucks.
It does have its perks.
Gentlemen. I'm Ms. Kegel,
executive assistant to Mr. Mars.
Hello.
Let me be the first to welcome you to the Globotech family.
- Okay. - Just as he's done with his computer,
electronics, telecommunications, munitions,
chemical and food divisions,
Mr. Mars intends to bring his own personal touch to Heartland Play Systems.
Oh. Well, that's good.
[ Sighs ] Okay.
All right. Uh--
These are-- W-Where's everybody else?
- There is no longer any ""everybody else."" - Mr. Mars, I'm Larry Benson.
- l wanted to tell you what an honor it is-- - Cut the kiss-ass, pal.
Two minutes after l leave this room, l won't remember your name.
- This is lrwin Wayfair. - Great.
It's been brought to my attention that you two are responsible for this.
Yes, sir. That's Flatchoo.
He's part of the Belch Brigade.
Yeah. A-Actually, the whole line was, uh, lrwin's idea.
- [ Belches, Farts ] - [ Chuckles ]
But once l refined the concept and created the marketing campaign,
it was the most successful product launched in company history.
That's why l bought the place. And that's why you two are still on board.
So, let's talk about the future.
Oh, uh-- Yes. Okay.
These are Gorgonites, sir. And they're--
- Hi. How are you today? - I'm late.
All right. Uh--
Here's-- l drew up some pictures.
That's a picture you can have.
Here's a-- All right, uh--
All right. These are Gorgonites, sir. And, uh, this one--
This is Archer. He's the, uh, grand noble leader of the--
Okay. And, uh-- Troglokhan,
the navigator who-who navigates.
Okay. Well, they're-- These are monsters...
who come from The Land of Gorgon, and they've come to our world.
They're lost, and now in order to get back to Gorgon,
they have to, uh, find out as much stuff about our world as possible.
And this way, the kids can learn and do research--
- Excuse me. Did you say ""learn?"" - Learn. Learn, yeah.
Next.
Mr. Mars.
Allow me to introduce you to...
Major...
Chip Hazard, leader of the Commando Elite.
It's called ""multimedia,"" lrwin.
Look into it.
[ Man Narrating ] The future is here.
A new age has dawned...
for action.
The world's most awesome, high tech fighting force...
is ready to battle for the next millennium.
- Chip Hazard, reporting for duty! - Hey, w-w-wait a minute!
- Hold on. Hold on. Wait. - These are the greatest toys I've ever had!
- Can they-- Can they really do that? - Do what?
- The thing where he punches his way out of the box. - No.
I didn't think so.
There's a disclaimer. l mean, legal says we're completely covered.
- You know what I'm sick of? - [ TV Continues, indistinct ]
I'm sick of commercials that show four-by-four trucks...
popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore...
and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head.
Okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women...
they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat.
What if these toys actually could talk?
What if they could walk?
- What if they could actually kick ass? - Nick Nitro!
I'm talkin' about toys that are so smart,
when kids play with 'em, they play back.
Toys in short, gentlemen,
that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Well, that's an interesting idea.
Forget about this batteries-not-included crap.
We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell.
Keep these things runnin' forever.
- That'll piss off the guys at Eveready. - Yeah.
Hey, how's this for a slogan: The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy.
Everything else is just a toy.
Th-Th-That's good too.
- Sure. - Uh, sir?
Uh, you know, that kind of computing power...
- doesn't really seem feasible right now, and, and-- - lrwin. lrwin.
We're members of the Globotech family. Surely we can hunt down the technology.
We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard...
7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass.
I don't think we're going to have a problem with this.
Now, these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?
- Hats? - Cam-Cam-Camouflage?
- Ms. Kegel? - Enemies, sir.
Enemies. See, these hideous, ugly freaks-- These guys are the enemy.
And our guys have to seek 'em out and vaporize 'em.
Well, no, they're not--
Sir? Um, don't you think that's a bit violent?
Exactly. So don't call it violence. Call it action.
Kids love action. it sells.
Besides, what're you worried about?
They're only toys.
I can't believe this. This is wrong. This is really wrong.
I mean-- You know, this is a-a total perversion...
of everything l designed these Gorgonites to be.
Oh, would you can it, lrwin. Come on.
This is a golden opportunity. if we pull this off,
- we will have Gil Mars eating out of our hands. - And by the way, gentlemen,
Mr. Mars expects the product to be ready for shipment in three months.
- Three months? - No, no, no, no, no.
It takes at least six months. There's product testing and focus groups--
Three months is fine. Tell Mr. Mars in three months, everything will be ready.
All right, then. Now, these are your security cards.
These will give you unlimited access...
to all top secret Global-Technology.
And these are your individual secret passwords.
Please take a moment to memorize them now.
[ Chuckles ] Mine's ""Gizmo.""
l said, secret.
Well, but--
Password-- Password-- [ Whispering ] What's my password?
Pass--
Gizmo.
Let's find us some chips.
Um, some really good chips.
A lot of really good chips.
The X 1000.
Hello, Mr. Chips.
This looks like a nice store. Look at those toys.
Come on, Grandma. This place never has anything good.
[ Toy Train Horn Whistling ]
Hey, Alan.
How's the world treatin' you?
You, Joe, are the highlight of my day.
Well, geez, kid. Tough break.
- New truck? - New owner. See?
Yeah. Pretty soon, everything in the world's...
gonna be owned by one giant corporation.
Then it's good-bye microbreweries.
So, uh, where's your dad? l got his order here.
Uh, he's goin' out of town tonight. Some seminar.
Wait a second. He left you in charge?
Hey, l was as surprised as you.
I think he's finally startin' to trust me again.
Or maybe he didn't have a choice.
So, what's the seminar your dad's going to?
""How to Make a Success of Your Small Business.""
- My suggestion was torch the place. - Not a good idea.
Arson forensics nowadays is very sophisticated.
[ Sighs ]
""Gorgonites and Commando Elite.""
What are those?
Let's find out.
Ten-hut!
Major Chip Hazard, reporting for duty, sir.
- [ Chuckles ] - Wow! Voice activated.
Not bad.
Yeah. They move, they talk.
They got a built-in two-way radio.
""Buy a second commando and communicate with a friend.""
Halt! Who goes there?
Greetings. l am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
[ Gasps, Chuckles ]
Awfully polite for a monster.
Hey, you never have to replace the battery.
Now that's a good thing.
Hey, Joe, do you think you could, like, front me a set of these?
- What? - You know, just sort of lend it to me.
You got plenty in the truck.
Yeah. That's Toy World's inventory for the month.
This order's paid for. l don't want to get my ticket pulled.
I'll pay you back after l sell them.
Yeah, and what about your dad's policy? No war toys.
Don't worry about my dad. By the time he gets back, they'll all be sold.
And this place will have made a little money for once.
[ Grunts ] l don't know. That's--
What? Are you saying that never in your entire career...
has anything just fallen off the back of the truck?
- I don't like your tone. - Sorry.
It's too loud.
Okay. One whole set.
I'll, uh, lose the paperwork someplace.
- This better not come back and bite me on the ass. - it won't.
-l swear. -And you've gotta get 'em off the truck.
I hope you know what you're doin'. l could get in big trouble for this.
- No one's gonna know. - They'd better not.
These toys don't go on sale officially until Monday.
I could lose my job. Lose my house.
Lose my wife. [ Chuckles ]
Thanks, Joe. l owe you one.
You owe me 12.
Good luck, kid.
Freeze!
[ Soft Rock On Loudspeaker ]
[ Bell Jingling ]
But l wanted to go to Toy World.
Well, life is full of disappointments.
Go look around. His birthday's next week.
- My mom told me to take him shopping. - Great!
What kind of stuff is he into?
Oh, you know. Dinosaurs, mutant freaks.
Anything that maims, kills or destroys.
- Well, l just got in some, uh-- - Oh, you're Alan Abernathy.
You moved into the house behind mine.
I've heard about you.
- You have? - Yeah.
So, how come l never see you after school?
Well, I'm kinda stuck here.
What kind of toy store is this?
[ Alan Sighs ] it's my dad. He thinks these toys are cool.
It's too bad nobody else does.
[ Chip ] The Commando Elite will rid the Earth of the Gorgonites.
[ Archer ] The Gorgonites are peaceful. We mean no harm.
[ Chip ] Gorgonite, you are a hideous freak.
You will be vaporized.
Civilian, declare your allegiance!
- [ Fires Weapon ] - Ow! Hey, cool!
- He's got a whole woodworking shop in back. - l know what l want!
I know what l want! The soldier. l want the soldier.
They're walking and fighting, and they're so cool!
Where'd they go?
Oh. What about this one?
No, l want the other one.
Here. Major Chip Hazard. He's the one.
- How much are these? - A lot.
There's no way Mom and Dad are going to buy you one of these.
Yes, they will. They buy you those stupid Gwendy dolls.
All right, Timmy.
Save me one of the buff guys.
- And a monster too. - l don't think so, you little brat.
Look, I'll find it and hold it till tomorrow.
[ Timmy ] How about the flamethrower?
- So when am l gonna get that toy? - Never, if you don't shut up.
- Bye. - Bye.
- [ Bell Jingling ] - Say ""hi"" once in a while.
[ indistinct Chattering ]
Meet death with honor, coward.
There you are.
Congratulations. You're practically sold.
You, I'm not so sure about.
[ Sighs ] Troglokhan.
Punch-it?
Oh, man! Dad's ticket!
Okay. Suitcase, briefcase, keys.
Keys! Where are my keys?
Right where you left them.
Oh, and where did l leave them?
Oh. What is the matter with me?
- What else? - Oh, Stuart, please. Try to relax.
- Yeah. - Now, remember why we moved here:
to get away from the stress, to eliminate the stress,
- to... [ Exhales ] exhale... - Exhale...
- the stress. - the stress.
- [ Man Talking, indistinct ] - Mom! l know what l want for my birthday.
- l want a Major Chip Hazard. Please! Please! Please! - Don't upset your father.
- Hi, Dad. - Hi, sweetie.
- What's up? - Al here was just telling me--
- Ed. - was just telling me...
that the angle of the Earth's tilt on its axis...
relative to the geocentric orbit of the transmission satellite...
restricts the placement for optimum reception.
Uh, yeah.
In other words, this tree is in the way.
Right. Exactly.
No problemo.
[ Saw Buzzing ]
- Hey! Knock that off! - Hey, Stu.
This guy says the tree's gotta go.
- You don't mind, do you? What? - Yes, l mind.
I said, ""Yes, l mind.""
What the hell are you doin', Phil? This is my tree!
Don't worry. Happy to do the work. What're good neighbors for?
You see the dish? She's a beauty, huh?
No. No. No. This-- This tree is beautiful.
That dish is just one more piece of techno-crap...
to go along with the rest of your stockpile of techno-crap.
And you're already pulling so much juice...
you've got us all living in a cancer node.
You know, there's never been any conclusive data proving a link between--
- Just give me that saw for a minute, Phil. - Stuart, come on. Come on.
Airplane now, vendetta later.
I'll check the zoning laws, but l think they'll prove me in the right here.
Hasn't he heard of those small dishes that you can put...
- on top of your house? - They don't get as many channels. - Dad!
- He probably got a deal. - Dad!
Alan, what're you doing here? You're supposed to be at the shop.
- You forgot your ticket. - Oh, thank God.
Oh, my ticket! Thank you, son.
Way to stay heads up.
- Yeah. Every so often, l do something right. - Right.
- Well, I'm outta here. - Hurry, but drive carefully.
Okay. I'll call you when l get there.
- All right. Hey, give me a smooch. - Yeah.
- Bye-bye. Good-bye, son. - See you later, Dad.
- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.
Bye.
[ Sighs ]
So, the door was locked when you left?
- Yes. - And did you empty out the cash register?
Both quarters and all six pennies.
- And yes, l shut off the lights. - I'm just asking.
You know, it's possible that l may get through an entire day...
- without screwing up. - [ Sighs ]
[ Electrical Whirring ]
What the--
How the heck did you get in here?
What was it? Uh--
Halt! Who goes there?
Greetings. l am Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites.
Sure you are.
- Beware! There will be no mercy. - ls that so?
Beware! There will be no mercy.
Yeah, well, I'll be real careful. Thanks for the advice.
Greetings. l am Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites.
- What is your name? - I'm Alan. Now, shut up. l gotta do my homework.
Greetings, Alan-Now-Shut-Up.
What did you say?
You just said my name, didn't you?
Didn't you?
[ Scoffs ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts ]
Commandos! Ten-hut!
Commando Elite! Fall in!
[ Grunting ]
[ Growling ]
Sound off, soldiers!
Butch Meathook, sniper. Lethal from any distance, sir.
- Good to have you aboard. - Nick Nitro.
Demolition is my mission.
Served with your father. He was a good man.
Brick Bazooka, artillery.
Ready to go full bore, sir.
- Save it for the enemy. - Link Static, communications.
Awaiting dispatch of orders, sir.
Double up on your rations, Sparky.
Kip Killagin, covert insurgent. Sharp as a razor, sir.
Let me see that weapon.
Standard issue is insufficient.
All right, ladies. Now listen, and listen good.
Our mission: Destroy the Gorgonite enemy.
- Defeat him. - [ Together ] Yes, sir!
There will be no mercy.
Search the area and secure new arms.
- Commandos, fall out! - [ All Yelling ]
Gorgon.
[ Cat Meowing ]
[ Meowing, Purring ]
[ Chuckles ]
Hey!
What the heck are you?
You're not like any toy I've ever seen.
Come on. Speak up.
Greetings, Alan-Now-Shut-Up.
I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Uh-huh.
I think you're smarter than you're lettin' on.
I'll bet you're smart enough to get my name right.
It's Alan, just plain Alan. That's all. Got it?
Greetings, Alan.
I knew it! Walk to the end of the table.
Don't play dumb with me.
You know what I'm saying.
Alan, friend of Archer.
Defender of all Gorgonites, keeper of Encarta.
Keeper of Encarta?
You were using my computer?
If l find a virus in there, you're headed for the microwave.
Beware! There will be no mercy.
Are you threatening me?
The Gorgonites must be free. There will be no mercy.
Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country.
He won it by being all that he can be.
Damn the torpedoes or give me death.
Eternal vigilance is the price of duty.
And to the victors go the spoils.
So remember, you are the best of the best of the few and the proud.
So ask not what your country can do for you.
Only regret that you have but one life to live.
The war against the Gorgonites will be won!
- Uh, oh. - Commando Elite,
let the first shot be fired!
Search out the Gorgonites and frag them all!
[ Cheering, Yelling ]
- Gorgonites! - Get him! Jump on him! - [ Glass Breaking ]
- Plastic at twelve o'clock. - Gorgonites at twelve o'clock!
Let's kick some Gorgonite butt.
Archer. Where are you, anyway?
I am in so much trouble.
There will be no mercy.
[ Sighs ]
[ Alan ] This is what you meant?
How could toys do this?
- Alas, poor Troglokhan. - I'm sorry, Archer,
but that's all the pieces l could find.
The Commando Elite have destroyed Troglokhan.
Yeah, but what about all the other Gorgonites, and what happened to the Commandos?
- Uh-- - [ Knocking On Door ]
[ Sighs ]
Hi. Uh, we're closed. See the sign?
I'll be real quick. l just came to get those toys. The Major Chip thing and the monster?
- l can't sell you those toys. Sorry. - But you're the only store...
that has them, and my parents just caved.
- Well, the toys are gone, all right? - Well, what about him?
Oh. Him. He's defective.
- Oh. - And the rest were stolen.
Oh, that's too bad.
Alan. We must find the Gorgonites. [ Grunting ]
Oh, my God!
[ Sighs ] Who did all this?
Are you pulling some kind of insurance scam?
I swear, l did one thing wrong. That's it.
And I'm branded for life.
So, it is true.
I heard your parents had to move here 'cause...
- you got kicked out of ten different schools? - l did not!
No?
- It was two. - Only two?
So... you need some help?
- Alan, can l talk now? - No.
I can't believe they broke my dad's radio.
Hey, Alan, do you ever watch that show Family of Five?
- Sure. - Do you like it?
- Uh, it's okay. - Oh, thank God. Me neither. l hate it.
It's so lame. I'm so sick of everybody telling me it's so great.
- l can't stand the parents. They're so nice. - The worst.
- Where do these go? - Uh, just over there.
I'm more of an X-Files kind of guy myself.
The truth is out there, Alan.
- Do you like Led Zeppelin? - Yeah. They're the greatest.
Oh. They're my favorite band.
You know, you're not like other girls.
I know.
I can't believe we finished.
It took less time than l thought.
And the boat looks great.
It wasn't that messed up. The mast was the hardest part.
Uh, he'll never know.
So, what'd you do?
Oh, come on, Alan. I've heard the story ten times already.
Don't deny it. They say you're a real terror.
Oh, yeah. That's me. A real terror.
I did some graffiti, flooded the faculty bathroom. Stuff like that.
My shrink told my parents l was ""acting out.""
l heard you called in a bomb scare on Parents' Day.
Yeah. That's when l got caught.
- Bummer. - They put me on probation for a while.
But that was a long time ago. You know, I'm a totally different person now.
Sure.
- No, really. - Hey, Alan! How's it going?
- Dad. - You know, l was just on my way home from the airport,
thought I'd stop by and say hello.
- Check up on me? - And check up on you.
Of course. That's my job. Me dad, you son. Right?
- This is Christy. - Hi.
- From next door. - Hello.
- Alan, what happened here? - Nothing.
Nothing happened.
Oh, really?
Then how do you explain this?
L-l was dusting it and it fell over.
Oh, you were dusting. With what? A croquet mallet?
Um, l should go.
Oh, geez. l almost forgot my stuff.
Bye, Alan.
You should go on home too. I'll close up.
- l can do it. - Obviously, you can't.
Go home.
Alan.
I'm really sorry about that.
I've got parents too. if that's all he sees,
you got off lucky.
- Here are your toys. - Thanks.
Hey, Christy, what happened? l thought you were coming by practice today?
Sorry, Brad. Something else came up.
I know you. You're that kid that set his old school on fire, right?
Yeah, just to watch it burn.
Whatever.
Hey, we got a scrimmage with the JV. Come on. You can cheer me on.
Great!
[ Motorcycle Engine Revving ]
See you later.
Let's see.
What we need... is a coping saw.
I don't believe it!
- Alan, we must-- - Shut up!
- The Gorgonites-- [ indistinct ] - You're nothing but trouble.
Link Static to command post. Have targeted...
single Gorgonite with civilian escort.
Approaching your position. Over.
Roger, Private Static. Copy that.
Brick Bazooka, front and center.
- Sir. - Prepare for assault, Sergeant.
Don't fire until you see the whites of his eyes.
- [ All Grunting ] - Prepare to fire the bazooka.
- Fire! - Whoa!
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Uh-oh.
- [ Dog Barking ] - Gorgonite K-9 corps.
Watch it! I'll have your dog tags.
Whoa!
What are you doing here?
Go on home.
[ Grunting ] Hand over hand.
I'm coming for you, Gorgonite.
[ Yelling ]
[ Mumbling ]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Groans ] - Damn potholes.
[ Chip On Radio ] Command post to Brick Bazooka. Report.
- [ Groaning ] - Repeat. This is command post. Report.
Brick Bazooka, reporting.
Target escaped. En route to enemy's stronghold.
Sir, I'm pretty messed up, sir.
Hold on, son. We're on our way.
Well, wrong gage.
- insert tab ""A"" into slot ""B"". Turn until click. - Ow!
Bite the bullet, pal. it'll be okay.
- Here's the tape. - Let's close him up.
[ Groaning ]
Go ahead, kid. Let it out.
- [ Groaning Continues ] - it's a small world after all.
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Hello.
Heartland Play Systems. How may l help you?
Yes. I'm having trouble with one of your--
What is the name of the toy, and what is the nature of the problem?
- The toys are the Gorgonites-- - There are no more Gorgonites.
Shh. And the Commando Elite.
The Commando Elite are the mortal enemy...
- of the Gorgonites. - And what is the nature of the problem?
The Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites!
The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites.
They didn't fight them. They destroyed them, and now they're gone!
I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys.
I didn't lose them! Look, is there a machine l can talk to?
- Just transfer me to a machine. - Fine.
- Have a nice day, ma'am. - I'm not a ma'am!
[ Electronic Voice ] Please state the name of your toy...
and the nature of your problem. [ Beeps ]
Your damn Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store,
destroyed the stupid Gorgonites and ran off.
Got it? Lawsuit. Got that?
Alan Abernathy. 330-555-0125.
- Destroy Gorgonites. - Shut up!
- [ Rock On Headphones ] - Alan--
Don't talk to me!
Not a word.
- [ Audience Applauding ] - And on Monday morning at 0900 hours,
250,000 Commandos and 250,000 Gorgonites...
will fight side by side with children everywhere,
trying to separate Mommy and Daddy...
from the money in their wallets.
[ Mouthing Words ]
- Okay. Now listen to this. - Excuse me.
- With over 100 merchandise licensees for the next two months,
you won't be able to turn on a TV, board a bus,
open a lunch box or put on your own underwear...
without seeing the Gorgonites waging war with the Commando Elite.
What do you think of that, Mr. Mars?
Well, it's a start,
Larry.
Larry, folks.
[ Applause Continues ]
- You know, when l started this company- - We have to talk.
- Get off of me. - We got a big problem.
- It's urgent! - What are you doing here? Stop it. Get away from me.
[ Mr. Mars Continues ]
Alan Abernathy. 330-555-0-- [ Beeps ]
- That's where the voice mail cut him off. - That's not a problem.
- Oh, it's not? - No, it's not. What's the in-store date on these things?
Monday. How did this kid get ahold of them? Come on.
It's industrial espionage. l got two words for you: Counter suit.
One word. Countersuit. Two words.
It's two words, Larry.
Look, what if this kid is telling the truth? l mean,
we can't have toys out in the market that may be dangerous.
Oh, come on. How could they be dangerous? Everything on them are standard.
The design is standard. The materials are standard.
The mechanicals are standard. Even the-- Oh.
What's ""oh""?
- What? - No, what's ""oh""? You just said ""oh"".
- No, l said-- l said ""oh"". - ""Oh"", like that's interesting, or ""oh"", like we're screwed?
No. l mean, you know-- Hey! Whoa! Look, forget the ""oh"", all right?
I'm going to run down to legal and get the ball rolling on the countersuit.
- The chips. That's the oh. Yeah. - Oh.
These microprocessing chips, what do they do and where'd you get 'em from?
They, you know, they microprocess.
They come from the land of ""l Saved Your Job."" Come on.
They were designed for the Department of Defense.
You put munitions chips in toys?
[ Link ] Archer.
Emissary of the Gorgonites.
Where are you?
[ Butch ] Beware. There will be no mercy.
[ Brick ] We're lost. We need to find our homeland.
[ Kip ] Yeah, our homeland.
[ Nick ] We're in trouble. Please find us.
[ Brick ] You got to help us find Goron.
[ Kip ] Goron? It's Gorgon, moron.
[ Nick ] Well, l hope he comes. We're no match for the awesome Commandos.
[ Butch ] Yeah. Everything else is just a toy.
[ Link ] Kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Aah! - Grab him! Hold him down!
[ Yelling, indistinct ]
String him up!
[ Chip ] Tell us what we want to know.
[ Chuckling ]
- l am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites. - Archer?
[ Chip Chuckling ] Where are the rest of the Gorgonite scum?
[ Brick ] We have ways of making you talk.
[ Link ] Make it easy on yourself. if you tell us, we'll let you go.
[ Chip ] it'll go easier for you if you cooperate.
I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
[ Nick ] All right, let's dispose of this garbage.
[ Chuckling ]
- [ Butch ] Hey, it's the kid. - [ Chip ] Commandos, pull back! Retrograde movement!
[ Chuckling ] Uh-oh!
Hey!
[ Whirring Sound ]
- [ Shouts, indistinct ] - Ow! You little--
- Gimmie that. - Hey, that's mine, punk!
Surrender, Gorgonite ally.
- You just met your match. - Oh, yeah?
Surrender or die-e-e! [ Screaming ]
Medic! Medic! Aah!
Medic! Medic!
- [ Disposal Grinds, Stalls ] - Medic! [ Screaming Continues ]
Oh! Come out, you--
- Alan, what the hell is going on here? - Um--
- [ Groaning ] - [ Mother ] Alan, your hand! What happened?
How did you cut your hand? What are you doing down here?
Medic! [ Groaning ]
O-o-oh!
When you were gone, l bought a shipment of soldier toys from Joe.
I figured l could sell 'em before you got back.
And for once, l would've made the store a little money.
I know it was the wrong thing to do, and I'm sorry.
There. l said it.
Well...
okay.
I think it's very honest of you to tell the truth.
So, you pawned my woodworking tools so you could pay Joe?
No! I'm-I'm pretty sure the toys took 'em.
[ Stuart ] Uh, what?
The toys.
Are you trying to upset me? l mean, are you deliberately making it--
- Shh. Quiet. Stop it. - What-- What word did the psychologist use? Projected--
- Aggression. - Projected aggression!
It's not aggression! it's these toys. They--
It's like they're alive. Look.
Ohh! Come on, Archer, back me up here.
Say something.
Halt! Who goes there? Talk to me!
Alan, Alan, please.
- l need to ask you this. Are you on crank? - No!
Then is it crystal meth? Tar? Smack?
- lrene-- - Mom! - We need to know!
- I'm not on drugs! it's these soldiers, they-- - All right, that's it.
Stop it. l mean, Alan, l--
l am...
at a loss.
[ Disgusted Sighs ]
You! Why didn't you say anything?
[ Rewinding, Alan's Voice ] Shut up. Don't talk to me. Not a word.
Wise guy. l oughta shred the bunch of you.
My dad thinks I'm insane, Christy thinks I'm an idiot...
and when Joe finds out the toys are destroyed and l can't pay him back,
- he's gonna have my legs broken. - The Gorgonites are not destroyed.
What?
Major Chip Hazard seeks the location of the Gorgonite scum. They are not destroyed.
'Cause if the Commandos destroyed 'em, they wouldn't be looking for 'em.
All right. Where are they?
My Gorgonite brothers are doing what the Gorgonites do best.
They are hiding.
Commando Elite, fall in.
[ All ] Sir, yes, sir!
We have met the enemy. He is big. He is fast.
He has aligned himself with the Gorgonite scum.
The rules of engagement have changed. Private Static!
[ Butch ] Damn!
- [ Chuckles ] Ooh-hoo! - Wow.
[ Butch ] This place is a gold mine.
Holy smokes! Look at all this hardware.
[ Kip ] Technological superiority.
Dibs on the chain saw. [ Chuckling ]
[ Groans ] Falling in, sir.
Ee-aah!
Outta the way!
[ Approaching Footsteps ]
it's... only a flesh wound, sir.
Rest easy. You've done your job.
- Did... we... win? [ Electrical Hum ] - We will.
[ Sniffling ] Nick Nitro's battery has run out,
but his memory will keep going and going and going.
His death will be avenged!
[ Sniffles, Sobs ]
Commandos! Secure the perimeter! Tap all communications!
Let's roll some armor. We got us a war to win.
If it launches, lacerates or detonates,
- l want it mobile and l want it ""lethile""! - [ All ] Sir, yes, sir!
They're not in the storeroom, they're not here--
- Besides, monsters should be out fighting Commandos. - We would lose.
It was what we were programmed to do.
Hide and lose? Those are some great options.
All right. if l was a Gorgonite, where would l be?
I'm hiding 'cause I'm a loser,
I've got... zero self-esteem...
and my brain's the size of a peanut.
Where would l be?
[ Relieved Sigh ]
This is so gross.
Hello? ls anybody in there?
- [ Electronic Screech ] - Hey!
- Ocula. - What-What was that?
It's the Gorgonites.
- Ocula. Punch-it. - Whew!
- Scratch-it. - Hey, hey, hey! It's great to be back.
- But seriously, folks, what a dump. Hey, hey! - lnsaniac.
[ Cackling ] Okay. Hey, what are you, a kid or an oil painting?
No, seriously, folks, they got me sharing a dressing room with rotting fruit.
Don't worry, Archer. We was hiding.
- Slamfist. - [ Groaning ]
Troglokhan?
- [ Groaning Continues ] - We fixed him.
We tried to fix him.
- Hey, my dad's radio. - Some assembly required.
- [ Chuckles ] - [ Clicks On ]
[ Man On Radio ] So, am l nuts? What's goin' on here? Give me a call.
- 1-800-TALK-TO-ME. [ Continues, indistinct ] - Freaky. Like Frankenstein.
Uh, at least you're all here. Maybe Joe won't break my legs after all.
- [ Electronic Beeping ] - [ Computer Voice ] Access approved.
[ lrwin ] So, Larry, let me get this straight. You used my password...
- to order surplus military chips that might be dangerous? - [ Blasting ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! it's okay. It's okay.
That's supposed to happen. See? ""Clean room.""
- Right. - Clean.
- Let's just go in. - [ Hydraulic Lock Hissing ]
- You all right? - Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.
[ Larry ] That's him. That's Ralph.
- [ Larry ] Hi. - Who are you? You don't belong here.
I'm Larry Benson. You supplied my division with some microchips.
Oh, yes. Larry Benson.
The X 1000.
Worked out better than you dreamed, didn't they?
Actually, there was a little bit of a problem.
Then it's with your software.
Uh, l don't think there's a problem with the software, Ralph.
Oh, you don't? The X 1000...
is a masterpiece.
Lmagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control...
the guidance systems of ballistic missiles.
Lmagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into,
like a smart drug for machines.
Then imagine it can learn.
W-- What are you talking about? Artificial intelligence?
No. Actual intelligence.
It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon couldn't appreciate it.
One little flaw and they scrap the whole project.
Aha! So there is a flaw in the chips.
Well... they're a little bit sensitive to E.M.P.
E.M.P.? Electromagnetic pulse?
Yeah, you know, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device?
I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive.
They said adequate shielding wasn't cost effective.
[ Scoffs ] Did the Medicis ever tell Michelangelo,
""Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost effective. Here's a bag of cement.""?
- l think not! [ Sneezes ] - Gesundheit.
- Thank you. - There shouldn't be any problem 'cause the chips can learn.
Am l not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their primary programming.
Whatever the core programming, the X 1000 enhances it from within.
[ Sighs ] So if you've got a problem, it's in your software.
[ Computer Beeping ]
Quick impression for you now-- Jimmy Cagney. Top of the world, Ma!
[ Laughing Hysterically ]
Talk about hampering your career.
- [ Male Sportscaster, indistinct ] - Grab him!
It looks so real, don't it?
- Hit him. Huh? - [ Channel Switches ]
- [ Growling ] - Friend of yours?
Oh.
[ Gorgons Chattering, indistinct ]
- What am l gonna do with you guys? - [ Punch-it ] ...220, 221,
- [ Scratch-it Giggling ] - 222--
[ Punch-it ] Oh, there goes the record.
Hey. Not so close. You'll, uh...
ruin your eye.
- What are you lookin' at? - l don't know.
[ Ringing ]
- Hello? - [ Christy ] Alan?
- Christy? - Well, are you grounded?
- No, my dad cooled off. - So we did it.
Yeah, and the best part is l found all those lost toys.
- You were really a big help. - Cool.
- [ lnsaniac Chuckling ] - [ Alan ] Hey!
- So, Alan, what do you think, boxers or briefs? Ha-ha! - Get those off your head.
- Ha-ha. But seriously-- - [ Christy ] What's going on?
- Actually, I'm allergic to plaid. - [ Alan ] Nothing.
- So, l was thinking we should celebrate sometime. You know, - One... two--
- go to a movie or something. - Alan, l only date older guys.
- It's nothing personal. - Oh.
Anyway, what l mean is, officially, I'm going out with Brad.
Well, what about unofficially? Or superficially?
[ Christy ] Well, there is this one guy, but he's kind of a smart aleck...
and a bit of a troublemaker.
[ Alan ] Well, I'm sure he'd be willing to give it all up for you.
- l know l would. - [ Laughs ] Oh, Alan.
[ Machinery Revving ]
- Another one bites the dust - it's party time.
- Another one bites the dust - [ Chuckling ]
And another one's gone And another one's gone Another one bites the dust
- Hey, it's gonna get you too - One phat ride!
- Another one bites the dust - [ Electrical Crackling ]
Transmission intercepted, sir.
The Gorgonites are alive and bivouacked at the enemy stronghold,
- and the enemy has revealed an age-old weakness. - [ Clicks ]
[ Alan's Voice ] I'm sure he'd be willing to give it all up for you.
- l know l would. - Put yourself in for a commendation.
- Doo-dah - Soldiers!
We have a window of opportunity. We will exploit it.
- Draw the enemy out and crush the Gorgonites! - All right
We must go behind enemy lines to secure a hostage. Prepare to move out.
- Hop it, jarheads! - [ Metal Clinking ]
[ TV, indistinct ]
l guess you guys are safe as long as you stay here.
- What are you lookin' for? - Gorgon.
Well, this is a national park.
- The lsle of Gorgon is our homeland. - Will you help us find it?
I don't think you're gonna find it in there.
Alan, if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?
There's nothing in windows. There's... stuff outside them.
- What stuff? - You know.
Outside. Trees. Power pole.
- Christy's house. - And beyond that?
The mall.
- And beyond that? - That's the highway.
- And beyond that? - About a million acres of farm.
And what's beyond that?
I don't know.
Hmm.
Gorgon.
Live, via satellite, 257 channels,
closed captioning for the hearing impaired...
and Dolby stereo, where available,
which is right here, right now!
- [ Man Speaking, indistinct ] - What a great picture.
It's perfect.
I don't know. Looks kinda fuzzy.
Let me try something else.
[ Explosions ]
Oh, for Pete's sake, Phil!
Maybe if l tweak the brightness a little.
No, no. It's the chroma. Flesh tones way off, way off.
[ Marion ] Look, now it's green. Just--
- Stand down, men. - [ Phil ] He's a ghost.
We must neutralize these civilians.
- l paid a lot for this thing. l don't want a ghost. - [ Electronic Beeping ]
Follow me. [ Laughing ]
It's a trap, sir.
- [ Screaming ] - [ Chip ] Good. Bring it here, soldier.
Chemical warfare. Operation Sandman.
Fire when ready, Private.
[ TV, indistinct ]
[ Phil ] Audie Murphy, a most decorated war hero.
I think World War ll was my favorite war.
Uh-huh.
No sign of the target, sir. The area is secured.
Don't worry, she'll be here.
[ TV Continues ]
- [ Sighs ] - [ Groaning ]
This is where we'll engage the target.
Set up concealed positions and prepare for ambush.
[ Timmy ] Oh, man!
I can't believe they got me the whole set!
Hold your fire, men!
Cool, you can talk.
You must be the leader.
Except one day, you get shot.
Bam! [ Screams ]
And this guy gets promoted, and now he's the leader. Yes!
- Wasn't my idea, Major. - Commandos, attack!
- [ Link ] Pile on the kid! - [ Yelling, Shouting ]
Son, you can be a prisoner or a casualty.
- It's up to you. - [ Grunting ]
- Sir! Over here, sir. - Oh, man. l hate baby-sitting.
- What is it, soldier? - Take a look, sir.
Bombshells, sir.
- Fully posable. - [ Both Laughing ]
- [ Kip ] Hello, Dolly. - [ Whistling ]
Mm-hmm! Sweet stuff.
- Hubba-hubba! - R & R, sir?
- Uh, request a three-day pass, sir. - Denied!
- Aww! - Gentlemen, this is the new army.
Those are reinforcements.
Bring me the head of Nick Nitro. Move!
Soldier, your memory will live on.
- [ Gasping ] - [ Butch ] Damn!
- [ Link ] Criminy! - [ Butch ] l think I'm gonna hurl.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
[ Electrical Crackling ]
[ Mechanical Whirring ]
[ Electronic Chanting ]
[ Electronic Pulse ]
[ Electrical Crackling Continues ]
[ indistinct Chattering ]
- [ Sinister Laughing ] - [ Chattering Continues ]
It's alive! It's alive! [ Laughing ]
Hi, there! Cannon Fodder Gwendy, reporting for duty, sir.
Carry on, soldier.
Oh.
I feel your pain.
- [ Purring ] - [ lnsaniac Singing, indistinct ]
[ Meows ]
Alan,
- the Commando Elite are in the trees. - [ Sighs ]
They're not moving 'cause of the Commandos.
It's the wind.
See?
I see your hand.
The wind's blowing. You can feel it.
Feel?
Oh, right. Plastic.
Sorry.
It's um-- it's kinda hard to describe.
Weather patterns. Wind chill factor.
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
See?
Win-n-n-n-d.
- [ Door Opening ] - [ TV, indistinct ]
Mom? Dad? I'm home.
- They're asleep. - You know what that means.
It means they could wake up any second.
You know, you are such a major hottie.
[ Laughs ] You are such a major sweet talker.
- Good night. - Good night.
[ TV Continues ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Whimpering ]
My bike won't start.
I got nowhere to go. Can l come in?
Oh, no. That's not it.
[ Clicking ]
[ Door Slams Shut ]
- [ Gasps ] - [ Giggling ]
[ Electrical Crackling, Humming ]
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
[ All Giggling ]
- Let's do something fun. - We'll all get facials.
- Did l overpluck my eyebrows? - [ Laughing ]
[ Rock ]
Yee-ha!
Whoa!
- [ Continues ] - [ indistinct Chattering, Giggling ]
Now it's our turn to play with you.
Let's see if her head comes off.
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
Christy?
[ Giggling ]
[ Muffled Screams ]
Oh, look, a man. Alley-oop.
Such nice, broad shoulders. Do you work out?
- What's your sign, big boy? - [ Grunting ]
- Makeovers are such a blast. - [ Grunting ]
That haircut is so five minutes ago.
Are you dumping me? [ Screams ]
- Get off me. - [ Screaming ]
Yo, Maggot! An officer and a gentleman does not strike a lady.
What?
Hey!
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Are you scared?
We're all scared.
You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.
[ Electronic Whirring ]
What?
What do you see?
Ocula? Are you all right?
I'll get you down. it'll be okay.
Surrender?
[ Link ] Smile, girlie!
Alan, l am safe. l have not been harmed.
Christy?
I'm making this statement of my own free will, and under no duress.
- Yeah, right. Ow! - [ Kip ] Stick to the script. Read it like we wrote it.
- [ Christy ] Okay. - [ Link ] Make it snappy.
I will be released safely and unharmed...
only if the following conditions are met:
One, surrender the Gorgonite scum.
[ All Gasping ]
- Oh, that's it. - [ Kip ] Faster, or we stick ya.
Alan, please! You have to help.
- [ Chip ] Zoom in! Get those tears. - Stop.
- [ lnsaniac ] What else is on? - No!
If Major Chip Hazard wants a war,
we'll give him a war.
- [ Troglokhan ] Please, Alan, don't do this. - [ Punch-it ] We're afraid.
- [ Slamfist ] We're your friends. - Please, Alan! - Traitor!
[ lnsaniac ] Hey, how ya doin' tonight? Welcome to the big cardboard box.
- [ Hysterical Laughing ] - [ Slamfist ] I'll never see Gorgon again.
[ Troglokhan ] He seemed like such a nice boy.
- Why would he do this to us? - Three words, folks: Pu-ber-ty.
- [ Man On TV, indistinct ] - [ Snoring ]
- [ TV Continues ] - [ Doorbell Rings ]
Enemy contact.
Advance with caution. Roll!
- Ow! - Sorry, sir.
[ indistinct Chattering ]
[ Door Creaking Open ]
Gentlemen, looks like they blinked.
- Advance and envelope. - [ All ] Sir! Yes, sir!
- [ indistinct Chattering ] - [ Slamfist ] Alan, I'm feeling very insecure.
Ready, Archer?
Alan, are you sure this is a good idea?
- [ Troglokhan ] We Gorgonites must be free. - [ Slamfist ] l don't feel well.
[ Punch-it ] Alan, don't do this. You'll be guilt-ridden.
[ TV, indistinct ]
[ Snoring Continues ]
[ Troglokhan ] My aunt was buried alive. I'm very claustrophobic.
- Rock and roll. - [ Laughing ] l love this job.
[ Muffled Screaming ]
- Are you all right? - [ Muffled Chattering ]
All my makeup is cruelty-free.
- [ Screaming ] - You come here often?
Will you take me to the prom?
[ All Giggling ]
if you can't accessorize, pulverize.
Ow!
[ Screams ]
You've been a bad boy.
And now, you must be punished. Yah!
Watch out, girls. Hissy fit. [ Screaming ]
You're to die for. [ Screams ]
[ Gwendy #8 ] Run! She's got a baton!
[ Gwendy #9 ] it's a baton death march.
[ Gwendy #8 ] She's gone postal! [ Screaming ]
[ Gwendy #9 ] Oh, l broke a nail.
- l always hated these things! - [ Gwendy #7 ] Oh, the humanity!
- Punch-it ] Alan, how could you betray us? - This is it, men!
[ All Cheering ]
[ Growling ]
[ Tape Recorder Slurring ] Please, help me.
Commandos, enemy has deployed a decoy target.
Return to primary positions.
This is fun.
[ Gwendys Screaming, Yelling ]
[ Gwendy #6 ] You're killing me.
Christy!
[ Panting ] You rescued me.
Any time.
Let's go get those creeps.
We gotta wake my parents.
- Open fire! - [ Screams ]
We have the enemy on the run.
Exploit and pursue.
- You've done this before. - Once or twice.
- Watch it! - You watch it.
We gotta get help.
[ Chain Saw Buzzing ]
[ Link ] Anybody got a garage door opener?
[ Chain Saw Motor Revving ]
War
Yeah, what is it good for Absolutely nothin'
Commandos, attack!
War
What is it good for Absolutely nothin'. Listen to me
[ Continues ]
He-e-e-e-y! [ Chuckling ]
Time to plant some corn.
Expect no mercy, Gorgonite ally.
[ Screaming ]
- I'll get the bike. - [ Screaming ]
Get on. Come on, hurry.
[ Continues ]
- [ Laughing ] - [ Kip ] Hot pursuit.
[ Laughing ]
interlock.
Right side lock. Left side lock.
Ramming speed!
Hold on!
[ All ] Whoa!
[ Engine Off ]
[ ""Taps"" ]
They're toast.
[ Screaming, Moaning ]
You think l could drive home?
- Good idea. - Hey.
[ Crickets Chirping ]
- [ Phil ] Your kid kidnapped my daughter, - Uh-oh.
Tied up my son, drugged me and my wife, and Marion is still tripping!
Time to hide again.
[ Phil ] Not to mention the damage to my house--
We have lost the battle.
We will not lose the war.
[ Man #1 ] Well, that's the last of 'em.
[ Man #2 ] Somebody's gonna take a bath on this one.
I think that's all of Friday's delivery.
- How come they wanted it back? - [ Laughs ]
Hey, you know the clowns that make these decisions.
Doesn't matter to them that a bunch of guys are gonna be standing around...
freezing their tushes off in the middle of the night.
Just as long as everybody knows who's in charge.
[ Hydraulic Brakes Hissing ]
Corporations.
Right hand doesn't know what the left hand is screwing up.
- Ah! - Greetings. You've been drafted. Move!
Ls this entire household insane?
He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little.
What's next? The blue fairy drops by with a talking cricket? Please.
Dad! He's telling the truth.
He's brainwashed you, hasn't he?
Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
You can't change programming.
Oh, look. Another one.
See, l told you they were hiding.
It's what they do.
- That's it. Come on, Christy. - Dad!
- Timmy, Marion, we're outta here. Let's go! Come on! - Oh, no.
Well, gee, Phil, don't be a stranger, huh?
Hi. Uh, yes. We're with Heartland Play Systems Consumer Satisfaction.
Ls there an Alan Abernathy here?
- That's Alan, right there. - Hey.
How ya doin'? l understand you recently acquired some of our fine products.
Uh, there's a chance that they might be, uh, defective.
Although there's no reason to believe they could cause anybody any harm.
- Oh, there's reasons. - There is a problem with the Commandos.
Really? What kind of problem?
Bear in mind you will be called into court to substantiate your claim. Oh!
- Your toys nearly killed my son! - Stuart!
Don't say calm down! Calm was killing me.
And you, you owe my son an apology.
Hey, Larry, look. it's Archer.
Greetings.
I am Archer. Who are you?
I'm lrwin. l-- l designed you.
And all the Gorgonites.
- [ lnsaniac ] He's the creator. Oy! - Hey.
- You're all here. - Everybody's got to be somewhere.
Ah, that's true. My mom used to--
You're making declarative statements? Formulating inquiries?
- [ Electrical Crackling ] - [ Cat Meows ]
The light's out. [ Sinister Laughing ]
Something's going on out there.
Hmm. That's weird.
There's a Heartland truck outside.
- Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! - Uh-oh. - Light's covered.
- More Commandos? - A lot more.
Dad, come see this for yourself.
Chip?
[ Christy ] Dead Chip? The Chip we killed?
Apparently, we didn't kill him enough.
Oh, my--
[ Chattering, Shouting ]
Commandos, fall out.
Secure the left perimeter! Secure the right perimeter! Let's move out!
- Troops, deploy! - [ All ] Sir! Yes, sir!
- Assault formation. Go! - [ All ] Hut! Hut! Hut!
[ Chip ] Gentlemen, if war is hell, then let's give 'em hell!
- We didn't start this war, but we're damn sure gonna end it. - [ Muffled Grunting ]
I'm scared.
Oh, shh! Tim, it's gonna be all right. They're not after you.
They just wanna kill the little monster people.
That's right. We're just caught up in some stupid game.
Well, game over.
Mr. Fimple, wait a second.
No, Alan. Let him go.
- Archer. - The Gorgonites must lose.
Hi.
I'm Phil Fimple.
I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh--
""Gorgonzolas.""
- Here's our proposal. - Hey.
He's selling us down the river. The guy's a regular Arnold Benedict.
I mean, switch 'em off. Take 'em apart. Steal their batteries.
Whatever it is you... people do.
Hey.
Ls that my JVC?
There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy!
All Gorgonite scum must die!
- [ All ] Yeah! - Bomb 'em all the way back to preschool!
Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16.
Sixteen? Where'd they get 16 from?
Seven Gorgonites and nine people.
- [ Sinister Laughter ] - Well, you've heard our proposal.
Phil, get in here! Hurry!
These negotiations are over!
We are the Commando Elite. Everything else...
is just a toy.
Yo, I'll tell you what l want What l really, really want
So tell me what you want What you really, really want
I'll tell you what l want What l really, really want
- So tell me what you want What you really, really want - What are they doing?
- [ Continues ] - Psychological warfare.
The Marines did this against Noriega.
- if ya wanna be my lover - Phil.
- Ya gotta get with my friends - Phil! - What?
- Make it last forever Friendship never ends - l love this song!
- if ya wanna be my lover you have got to give - Fimple, turn that off!
Takin' is too easy but that's the way it is
- Would ya be my lover - Go! Go! Go! Go!
Now you know how l feel
Say you can handle my love
- [ Continues ] - Lock and load.
Nail 'em.
- Open fire. - Down!
- [ Explosions ] - [ TV, indistinct ]
[ Both ] Fimple.
- [ Stuart ] Honey! - Oh, boy.
Stuart, Phil, barricade that window. Alan, get back.
- [ Screaming ] - Get back!
- [ Yells ] - [ Screams ]
Fire!
- [ Screams ] - Wow!
- Fire! - How are they-- Look out!
Alan, put out the fires.
- Nerds, side windows. - [ Glass Breaking ]
- Marion. Timmy. The closet. Come on. - [ Glass Breaking ]
Come on. Hurry! Hurry!
- [ Gasping ] - Get in! Get down!
- l have that coat. - Yes!
Frag 'em all!
- [ Stuart ] I'm calling the police. - Phil, Christy, push this back.
Be careful with it.
- Fire! - [ Screams ]
Service.
- Yah! - Great balls of fire.
The phone's dead. Hey, nice forehand, honey.
Lncoming!
- [ indistinct Chattering ] - Take the house!
We've gotta find a way to stop these guys before my wife gets tennis elbow.
Hey, you know what might work? An electromagnetic pulse, 'cause that would fry the chips.
Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
- I'll check, but l don't think l have one in the junk drawer. - What are you talking about?
It's the chips. They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse.
A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
That's why the military never used 'em.
- What kinda moron would put military technology in toys? - Oh, that'd be Gizmo over here.
Actually, any electrical device generates a magnetic field. Just not a very big one.
We're gonna need a big one.
- [ Sinister Laughing ] - Fire in the hole!
[ Laughing ]
Alan, the window.
[ Chanting ] l don't know, but I've been told...
Gorgonite blood runs mighty cold.
- No, Alan. - [ Chanting Continues ]
Way to stay heads up.
- Continue artillery barrage! - Take cover! Stay low!
Look, there's a power pole back there with a couple of huge transformers on it.
Could we use those to create a big enough electromagnetic whatever?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get 'em to explode.
Yeah, that would fry their chips for sure.
You could connect the transformers together.
We just need to put something metal between the transformers to complete the circuit.
You get a nice power boost, right up until they overload and blow up.
It only happened once!
- Ooh! - [ Meows ]
That's it! [ Grunting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughing ]
This oughta work.
- Alan? Alan. - [ Sighs ]
Whatever you are thinking, forget about it. You're not going out there.
- There's no time. I've got to. - it's too dangerous.
- We've only got one chance. - You are my responsibility. I'm not about to let you--
Dad! There is no other way.
You have to trust me.
- Wait. - [ Glass Breaking ]
- It's dark in here. - Yeah, it's night, genius.
No, no. l mean, there's gotta be power going through the transformers...
in order for them to overload.
[ Explosions Continue ]
Power's still on at my house, and we've got plenty of electronic crap to turn on.
[ lrwin ] Okay, we have to get to your fuse box and wedge the breakers open. Come on, Larry.
I hate you, lrwin.
- [ Helicopter Approaching ] - [ ""Ride of the Valkyries"" ]
[ Chip ] We have met the enemy, and he is you!
[ Gasps ]
- Oh! - [ Chip ] l love the smell of polyurethane in the morning!
[ lrene ] Oh, my God!
Phil, in here. In here.
It's locked.
[ Gasps ] Come on, Phil!
Up, up, up. Up, up, up. Whoa!
- Balcony's closed. - Down, down, down, down, down, down.
Descend and destroy.
Let me in. Damn it! Fimple, you freak! Let me in.
All quite on the western front... yard.
[ lrwin ] You go and turn on every piece of electronic equipment in the house. Okay?
- [ Kip ] This one's for Nick Nitro! - [ Bomb Exploding ]
[ Sinister Laughing ]
Mess around with my kid, will ya?
Ho, ho, ho, a broomstick. I'm scared.
Let's get him!
[ Brick ] First blood!
Now, stick this in your pipe and smoke it!
[ Screaming ]
- [ Yelling, indistinct ] - All right, Dad!
We roasted 'em.
There they are. Nail 'em!
Not good.
Hey, kid. Don't you like nine-inch nails?
Oh!
I got hit. I'm all right. I'm all right.
[ Sinister Laughing ]
Gorgonites, we must help Alan.
But if we fight, we will lose.
Last time we fought, l woke up with AM/FM.
I tell you, war is nuts, and l know what l am talking about.
We shouldn't fight. We should hide.
If we hide, we will still lose.
No more hiding.
- Nail 'em. Nail 'em to the wall. - Oh, yeah.
[ Grunts ]
- Gorgonites, fight! - Uh-oh.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Groans ]
Sanctuary! Sanctuary! [ Yodeling ]
[ Snorts ]
Strike!
[ Commando ] Retreat!
[ Laughing ] Hey, meet my wife, the old ball and chain.
Hey, l love working in the round.
I'm knocking 'em dead. Oh, look at that.
You don't like stand up, huh, G.l.? Then sit down!
Thank you and good night, ladies and germs.
[ Laughing Hysterically ]
Oh, how do you work this thing? Oops! Wrong way. That's better.
[ Archer ] Alan?
You should go now.
Archer, listen.
When that thing explodes, you're going to be fried, just like the Commandos.
Go.
[ Laughs ] Take that!
[ Moaning ]
Wa-Watch your back.
Thanks, Dad.
[ Troglokhan ] Go, Alan.
[ Slamfist ] I'm watching your back, Alan.
[ Commandos Yelling, indistinct ]
What are you packin', Tiny?
Packin'? Packin' you.
It's not a prank call. No, it's not.
No, wait. It is.
So you'll send some cops to come and arrest me. Right?
Oh, no. Don't hang up.
- Oh! - Do you know what you're doing?
Oh. Yeah.
[ Groans ]
Die!
Ain't war hell?
[ Sinister Laughing ]
Thanks for the lift, Punch-it.
Mayday! Mayday! I'm hit. I'm hit!
I'm going down. Ejecting!
Expect no mercy. [ Yells ]
[ Screams ]
[ Chip Chuckling ]
Having fun yet?
Okay. Let's have a round and a round and a round of applause for Archer,
emissary of the Gorgonites. [ Laughs ]
You're up.
Major Chip Hazard.
Gorgonite scum!
Leave Alan alone. Your fight is with me.
You got a lot of guts.
Let's see what they look like.
[ Yelling ]
They're wires and metal, the same as yours.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
We're nothing alike. You are programmed to lose!
- [ Grunts ] - [ Groans ]
I'm also programmed to learn.
Too bad you never learned to win.
School's out, loser.
Hyah!
Victory is ours!
Have l got a shock for you.
You stupid toy!
Aah!
[ Groaning ]
[ Chattering, Yelling ]
[ Lawn Mower Approaching ]
- [ Commando ] Run for it! Watch out! - [ Screaming, Yelling ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
Get on!
Ls this going to be a pattern for our relationship?
- Relationship? - [ Groaning ]
- This isn't dangerous, is it? - Well, it just depends on--
Ow!
- It's dead! - [ Engine Stops ]
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
[ All Screaming ]
[ Chattering Rapidly ]
[ Groaning ]
Medic!
[ Distorted ] There will be no mercy.
[ indistinct Chattering ]
Situation is stabilizing. Local law enforcement is under control.
There's just a matter of compensating the parties involved.
Hold. You. [ Continues, indistinct ]
The area is secure. Bring him in.
Wow! Who is that?
Oh, no. it's him.
[ Sighs ] How you doin', uh, Joe?
- How'd you like to do me a big favor? - Anything, sir.
Why don't you move your truck with the giant Globotech logo on it...
before the damn news crews get here?
I don't know, Mr. Mars. l may have some trouble handling the gears,
what with the critical head injury and emotional distress I've suffered lately.
- Whoa! Yes, sir. Right away. - Thank you.
Excuse me, you're not off the hook yet.
There's just the little matter of the massive damage to my home...
and my garage and my audiovisual components system--
- This is good. Thanks. - Bye-Bye.
Excuse me, Mr. Whoever-The-Hell-You-Are. What about our house?
[ Glass Shattering ]
What about the pain and the anguish and the-the--
- Humiliation. - The humiliation.
I don't think even you have enough money to pay for that.
Okay, maybe you do.
Hey, Alan. Keep your nose clean, kid.
I'll try. Listen, uh--
l just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
Forget it.
Toys is hell.
Uh, Mr. Mars, hi. l just want to assure you that l--
l take full responsibility for all of this.
Yeah, right. Give me that.
- What were we charging for these things? - Seventy-nine ninety-five.
Tell you what. Add a few zeros to that and get in touch with our military division.
I know some rebels in South America who are going to find these toys...
very entertaining.
- Dad, know my birthday? - Uh-huh.
I just want clothes.
[ Laughs ] Come on, Christy.
- [ Sighs ] - Any sign of the Gorgonites?
No, none of them.
- [ Sighs ] - [ Phil ] Come on, Christy.
- l better go. - Yeah, okay.
Too bad. This would have made a hell of a commercial.
Archer?
Archer, are you all right?
Halt! Who goes there?
Greetings. l am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
- Oh, man. Your chip got fried just like the Commandos. - [ Message Continues ]
The Commandos are dead?
Gorgonites, we won!
We did?
- [ Chuckles ] - Well, that's a pleasant surprise.
Satellite dish must have shielded you guys.
- Pretty smart. - [ lnsaniac ] Yeah, smart.
- We're lucky is what we are. - I'm glad you made it, Archer.
I'm glad you made it, Alan.
[ lnsaniac Laughing ] All right, I'm serious.
- Gorgonites, we're free. - Thank you, Alan, destroyer of Commandos.
- We are free! - [ lnsaniac ] Free? What about the cover charge?
[ Punch-it ] Let me get in first, because I'm big.
[ lnsaniac ] Well, where am l going to sit?
Oh, I'm going to get up in the crow's nest. Hey, there's a dead crow up here.
[ Laughs ] I'm kidding.
Okay.
Are you sure you guys want to do this?
Yes, Alan. it is time.
Archer, l understand why, but you might not find Gorgon.
- It may not even-- - Alan,
even if you can't see something, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
[ Sighs ]
[ lnsaniac ] Hey, look, we're out to launch.
[ Slamfist ] I'm seasick already.
[ Punch-it ] Bye-bye, Alan.
[ Slamfist ] Bye-bye, Alan. Nice knowing you.
[ lnsaniac ] it's been a long time since I've played a cruise.
Ls anyone from out of town here? Where are you from, sir?
- [ Slamfist ] Gorgon. - Oh, yeah. What exit?
Hello? ls this thing on?
Ls this a boat or an oil painting?
[ Slamfist ] l hope we don't hit an iceberg.
War, war Oh, yeah, yeah, you
What is it good for
Absolutely nothin' Nothin'
Say it again War, war
Oh, yeah, yeah, you
What is it good for
Absolutely nothin' Nothin'
Oh, war, l despise
'Cause to me, it's destruction of innocent lives
l said war
Oh, yeah, yeah, you
What is it good for
Absolutely nothin' Nothin'
Say it again War, war
Oh, yeah, yeah, you
What is it good for
Absolutely nothin' Nothin', nothin', nothin'
if thangs don't change l think we all gon' die
Who's to say they wrong or right, you pushin' the button, not l
But we die Gatherin' up my soldiers
Mo Thug, mine are prepared for war Because it's over, over
Red light, red light ride or die it's gon' be casualties
So be ready to ride and say it again
There's gon' be casualties so be ready to ride
And l got your back Back, back
if it goes like that, that Ready to ride
if it goes like that and we all get papped papped, papped
Oh, war
It ain't nothin' but a heartbreaker
What is it good for
- Absolutely nothin', nothin' - Friend only to the undertaker
- War, war, war, war - Oh, war is an enemy to all mankind
What is it good for
- Absolutely nothin' - The thought of war blows my mind
- War, war, war, war - War has caused unrest within the younger generation
- What is it good for - induction, then destruction
- Absolutely nothin', nothin' War - Who wants to die
Are you ready Hey, are you ready for this
Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat
- Are you ready Hey, are you ready for this - l need a break, huh
- Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat - l need a break, huh
Are you ready Hey, are you ready for this
- Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat - l need a break, huh
Outta the doorway the bullets rip
Repeat to the sound of the beat, hey
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Listen, baby, can't nobody separate us except us
And yet, there've been the few that come along and test us
Oh, they envy us They love to stress us
Even under pressure Bless us, it's just us
Everybody wanted to be us when they see us
We was the type to be all over each other
Whenever we lust no matter where we was
- Love is a battlefield - if only we could do this We've got a strong love
But we need trust
We need that trust Trust
You're begging me go
Then making me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad
It would help me to know
Do l stand in your way
Or am l the best thing you've had
Believe me Believe me
l can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love
And I'm chained to your side
We are young
Heartache to heartache We stand
No one can tell us we're wrong
You can't tell us nothin' Can't tell us nothin'
Searching our hearts for some love
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield
[ Whistling ]
Nuclear warhead? What are you talkin' about?
- [ Man ] Cut. - Was that too much?
- Why, Phil. - [ Laughter ]
- l never heard you say that before. - [ Laughing Continues ]