- Nice. - Thanks.
I don't know how you work this way.
It relaxes me.
Here.
- Let me fix your tie. - Try not to get paint on me.
Relax, okay?
What are you gonna do tonight? Just gonna hang out?
- Like you really care. - Don't start with me.
I'm not. You are.
And I told you about this weeks ago. Remember?
- What? - What?
You got a little something going on the side, Steven?
You can tell me.
I got something on the side called family and I can't get out of it.
How many times you wanna hear that?
What? Your family fucked-up or something?
- Is that why you're being so secretive? - Hey, I need you to trust me, okay?
- Do not get paint on me. - Okay.
Sweetie?
I've gotta get going. Now.
What, right this second?
- Yes. Right this second. - Okay. You know what? Fine.
Have yourself a real ball.
Get out of here.
You're a wonderfully cruel woman.
I'm gonna wake you up.
I can't even take a piss straight. I'm vibrating to fucking death here.
Shut up, Rolfe. You drive me crazy.
You diminutive French snail.
You know, Maurice, you're the one who said we could do it in eight hours.
- I could've walked faster! - It's your problem for going so slow.
We need to cool.
Come on! You bastard.
What are we stopping for?
Go on ahead. I'll catch up with you.
- Breaking ground on a new, historical museum.
Steven. Good to see you.
Jerry Robin, Jr.
I have known so many little people professionally.
But what I didn't know is there are over 100,000...
...little people in North America alone.
- Hey, Mom. - Well, if it isn't Mr. Late.
I'm not that late.
- Hello, Steven. Where's your brother? - He's not here?
I can't believe he'd be late to a convention. Something's wrong.
- There's nothing wrong. - How you doing, girls?
Your favorite, dear. Egg salad.
Now, let's cut that rug. Courtesy of The Lobsters.
Hey, everybody. Hello, girls. How you doing tonight, Steven?
Doing the best I can. How about yourself?
Doing all right, thank you.
Hey, Bobby. Do you see this blond coming up here?
Oh, yeah.
She's been asking us to introduce you to her since last convention.
- No kidding? - She's an ice skater...
...in one of those shows, Holiday on Ice. Kitty.
Bobby, say hello to the indomitable Miss Kitty Katz.
- Well, hello, Mr. President. - The pleasure's mine.
See her tits?
- Hello, ladies. - My daughters.
Hi.
Why don't you girls go out and dance and have some fun.
Yeah, girls. You ready?
Let's go cut a rug. You too.
Come on, now.
I could use a good, stiff one. Oh, I mean a cocktail.
- Hey, Steven! Over here! - Hey, Rolfe!
Rolfie! My friend, you are in the doghouse.
Mom and Pop are pissed.
That's great. Steven, this is Maurice. Maurice is an asshole.
Hey, the asshole is the strongest muscle in the human body.
Do you think there's any food left?
Man, I really couldn't tell you.
- My name's Lucy. - Hi, Lucy.
Hey, don't go ripping off food, now.
You can't steal food. Food's from God. It's plentiful.
- God wants me to eat. - Come on, Lucy. Let's go.
What's going on? You wanna go grab a drink somewhere?
No, I'm kind of tired. What about tomorrow?
I can't tomorrow. Tonight's my last night. I got a class.
I gotta put through finals all week.
What's the story anyway, man?
The hell happened? Where you been?
That's what happened.
What do you mean, "That's what happened"?
You drove this thing 400 miles?
Yeah, well, Maurice builds them and...
...I can't afford to fit out a car right now, so...
...I figured what the hell. Hey, you laugh, man, it got me here.
Call Mom and Dad. Let them know you're all right.
Don't let them know you're riding around on this thing.
Yeah, well, don't you go telling them either.
Don't I go telling them?
Assholes! All of you! Fucking assholes!
Where you staying tonight?
We'll go find a cheap motel and then I'm gonna give Sally a holler.
- Sack over there for a few nights. - Might as well get used to it.
You two are gonna end up together, no matter what happens.
They alleged that we were stealing food.
- It's good to see you, man. - Yeah.
You can try and make it sooner next time. We can shake it up a little.
I know. Well, next year.
Have a good time with Sally, buddy. You know where to find me.
Be careful, buddy.
So did you have a good time?
- Was it everything you expected? - It was okay.
Whatever it was.
Steven?
I don't want us keeping secrets from each other.
- It's too late to start obsessing, okay? - You're the one making it happen.
- Why don't you just let it go, okay? - I can't.
You're playing me. I know it. I just can't figure out why.
You do not think that I'm seeing someone.
No, of course not.
You know how we're always talking about our future...
...what we're gonna do, where we're gonna live and all that other stuff?
- Can we talk about this later? - No, we need to talk, Steven.
- Right now? - Yeah.
Carol, all right.
This better not be an all-night marathon or I'll kill you.
- No, it won't. I promise. - All right. What do you got, babe?
I think maybe I'm pregnant.
Oh, man.
We've been using protection.
Except for those two or three times a week...
...when you wake me up in the middle of the night.
Don't tell me you don't remember, either.
I thought you wanted kids, Steven.
Yeah, but not right this second, no.
Just tell me what you feel.
I'm not gonna tell you I'm thrilled about an unplanned pregnancy, all right?
I thought you'd be okay with this.
We've talked about it, like, a million times.
Yeah, for the future. I mean, this a huge step.
Yeah, but these are our baby years, Steven.
Let's just do it.
Jesus Christ, Carol. I mean...
This is the sort of thing that people talk about before they jump into it.
- Well, that's what we're doing now. - Yeah, after the fact. It's done.
- I've never been to Hollywood before. - Hollywood's a toilet.
Hey, says you! I feel glamorous just being here.
- She locked me out of my bedroom. - That's sad.
That woman does it to me all the time.
Well, you gotta get a new woman, like me.
- Hey, baby, what's up? - Jesus Christ.
Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
Can we have a room?
You see that sign?
- We don't allow prostitution in here. - You think I'm a prostitute?
- You didn't say you were a prostitute. - She ain't a prostitute.
We just want a room.
I only have one room. You'll have to share.
You only got one? How much, man?
- One lady and two little children. - Hey!
- Special price for you. 95 bucks. - These are not my children.
Damn it!
- You got any rubbers? - No...
...and if you start fucking that girl while I'm trying to sleep, I'll kill you.
Then put your headphones on, my friend...
...because tonight I'm feeling good. - I'm glad someone is.
Oh, God, I feel so much better.
I'm gonna take a shower.
Hey, Lucy. You notice how we stalk one another?
For you. For moi.
I like to drink.
Smells good.
Say, that's smooth. What is this?
It's an original creation of mine.
Imported cherry-flavored morphine syrup from France...
...and cognac. I just wish I had a fucking crêpe.
You're a very interesting man. You're very direct.
I think you have a lot of owl medicine in you.
Hey, come here. Come here.
So pretty.
- Fuck. - What is it? Your back?
- No. - Did your back go out?
Here, stand up. Stand up.
It's gonna be okay. Look, here, ready?
Oh, God, Lucy, no!
- What did you do? - I adjusted you.
Make me another drink.
Here.
That is better.
Daddy's back.
- Hey, Rolfe, you want a cocktail? - In your dreams.
It's okay. Look. He's got a prescription.
Well, that doctor he goes to, he ought to be locked up.
Now, I'm real sore and I'm real tired.
So keep it down.
No smoking.
Fuck!
Hey, buddy, you all right?
Hey, Maurice.
What's the matter with him?
He's got ulcers, a herniated disk... It's just little people shit.
But he's just too stubborn to take care of himself.
- Are you all right? - Bed.
You're bleeding, man.
Oh, fuck.
You're bleeding. I'm gonna call a doctor.
Yeah, hello? Could you give me the number...
...of a Dr. Carl Morris in Encino? - Oh, no! No!
No fucking doctors!
No doctors!
Jesus Christ, man. I'm just trying to fucking help you.
I'm getting out of here.
So hot.
- Who is it? - Hey, it's me. Rolfe.
- Rolfe. - Let me in.
Be quiet, Buster.
Oh, I wasn't sure I'd ever see you again.
Yep. I'm back.
I saw your article in Harper's about the Republicans.
Becoming very successful.
Yeah, well, we need to get syndicated. That's the ticket.
Look at the little love nest.
Come on, Rolfe. I don't have a boyfriend, okay?
- Yeah? Well, I don't see two beds. - Well, he sleeps on the couch.
Lighten up, Rolfe. God. We're not close like that.
I let him fuck me twice. Okay? I felt sorry for him.
His whole family was evicted from their apartment in the Gaza Strip.
I mean, how would you feel?
You need to cut loose from all this shit that seems to follow you around.
It wouldn't be like that if we were together again.
Come on, Rolfe. I'm ready for an adult relationship.
Yeah, well, it sure looks like it.
- Sally? - Oh, my God. It's Adrissi!
- Sally. - Well, let me come talk with him.
You wait here. Be quiet.
What are you doing here?
I quit my job.
How do you expect to get your own place if you can't keep a job...
Do not give to me this shit. All right? I need just money for the bus.
"Do not give to me this shit"? Adrissi, I have to pay my phone bill.
All right, I will pay you back. In your G-spot.
Fine! I won't pay my phone bill. Wait here.
Give me a couple of bucks. Keep your mouth shut.
Jesus Christ.
You need some money, man? How much you need?
Who is this man in your bedroom, huh?
Let's cut the bullshit. Just tell him what you told me and get it over with.
- What's he doing in your bedroom? - None of your business.
So get your shit together and get the hell out before I call the cops.
No. I want to know, now, why this man is in your bedroom.
- Well... - Because we are gonna fuck, okay?
- That what you wanna hear? - We're not fucking.
So just get your unemployed ass out of here, now!
But all those things you said in the darkness.
You said I was the sexiest stud you had. You opened your heart.
- Keep your mouth shut, Adrissi. - You told me I was a hunk.
Shut the fuck up!
Mercy. In a while, man, this ain't gonna seem like such a big deal.
- Don't. Rolfe. - You banged Sally!
- You fucking whore! You slut! - He's fucking going nuts, Sally!
- Don't...! - No, you get out of my way, now!
Stop it! Get off of him! Stop it!
Don't. Get your hands off of him! Stop it! No! Get off of him!
- No! - God!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
I'm out of here.
But Rolfe, you gotta tell the cops what he did to us.
You know what, Sally? Why don't you tell the cops.
"Wait two minutes. Look to see if two visible lines have formed in the tube.
Two visible lines indicate a positive test" for being knocked up.
Let's go, Chuck! You got what it takes to be a firefighter? I don't think so!
Come on, fat boy! Didn't I tell you to lose weight four months ago?
Yes, I did! And you have not!
How are you gonna be any good to anybody if you can't put dirt on a fire?
Stop! Get out of the horseshoe and get the hose! Get up the hill.
Your execution is piss-poor.
The fires are still burning. Not only are you slow, but you suck at it!
You're going up to the 18th floor. You've got a woman and child. What?
What do you think you're doing?
- What? - You're being a total asshole.
Take five, Chuck.
Hi. Is Steven still around?
Oh, no. He left already. He'll be back in a week.
- A week? - Who are you?
I'm Rolfe. I'm his brother.
- Who are you? - Oh, I'm Carol.
Well, listen, Carol. You think I could come in?
I'm a little messed up right now.
Yeah. I was gonna ask you about that.
- Thank you. - Sure.
- You were attacked? You're kidding. - Does it look like I'm kidding?
Go ahead. Come on. Let me...
So, what? You got mugged or something?
You could say that. A guy tried to kill me.
Judging from those bruises on your neck, I'd say he was serious.
Oh, he's probably in jail by now.
So are you and Steven blood brothers?
Yeah, you could say that. We're twins.
God, I can't believe that.
We've been living together since May. We're getting married in the summer.
Well, he didn't mention anything?
No. But maybe he wanted it to be a surprise.
Listen, are your parents...
What, little? Yeah.
Steven, he's the big guy in the family.
Listen, Carol, do you think it'd be okay if I sat down for a while?
I've got nowhere to go at the moment.
No, sure. Stay as long as you'd like.
I have to go out for a few hours.
But I'd really like to talk to you.
Oh, God. This feels good.
Would you like something to eat? You want some coffee?
Rolfe?
Good morning, Romeo.
How you feeling? You feel better?
No. I feel like death.
That's great. Death's a great transition.
- Maid! - I'm sorry. Please move along.
- We're making a love nest in here. - It's 3:00 and I want to go home!
Go away. We are eating each other.
Where's Rolfe?
He left because you were mean to him.
Checkout time is 12:00!
Merde, I'll kill him.
- You're paying an extra day. - Hey. Hey.
What are you doing? Put it away.
Open the door or I'm calling the cops. Prostitute!
Hey! You go away! You called me a prostitute last night.
- I heard what you said... - Open up!
Bastard! I have had enough of name-calling, you understand?
I'm calling you a prostitute!
You're a prostitute!
Come on.
Come on. Let's go! Get your shit together. You wanna get pinched?
So beautiful, there.
Come on, Maurice!
Everyone knows that's called the B.A.
Now, you wanna check your regulator every day.
Rule number one with the regulator is never use oil in it.
You use oil in this regulator and you'll end up in a situation.
We're gonna take five.
Hey, Carol. What's going on? Is everything okay?
Your brother dropped by this morning.
You drive here to tell me that?
You could have let me know that everyone in your family is a midget.
Well, they're not midgets. They're dwarfs.
Whatever.
But it suddenly occurred to me that it's a genetic thing, right?
Yeah, it's a genetic thing.
Just tell me. If you and I have a kid together, is it gonna be a midget?
- Carol, don't say midget. Say dwarf. - Just answer the question, Steven!
- It's possible. It's definitely possible. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
Look, Carol. Hey. If it makes you feel any better...
...I was gonna tell you. - Really?
- Yeah. - So why didn't you?
I don't know. I didn't think it was that important.
- You didn't think it was important? - Don't start passing judgment.
Hey, I'm not passing judgment on you, okay?
I'm just trying to understand.
I honestly don't know why I didn't mention it. It wasn't the right time.
What's going on here, Steven?
Don't you want to be in a relationship with me?
Where in the hell did that come from, Carol?
You go ahead and do whatever you want. You do what you want.
- What, you just don't care? - Now, you know I care.
I won't jump through hoops because you're threatening me.
- What? I was not threatening you. - Yeah, you were.
This whole will to motherhood, Carol. It's becoming quite an obsession.
Well, I thought that's why we were getting married.
Look, there's other reasons that people get married.
We could always adopt.
What, and never have children of our own?
I just don't know if that's gonna be possible.
What did you think I'd do when I found out your family were all midgets?
Did you think I'd walk away?
Keep saying "midgets," you'll piss a lot of people off.
- I really don't care about that stuff. - Okay. Okay.
Would it really be that big of a deal if our kid was a dwarf?
Look, it's not something you just walk into.
Well, you could have told me.
Okay.
I gotta go back to work, okay?
I'll call you when I get some time to talk, all right?
Okay.
See you at home.
Okay.
Catch me if you can.
- I can't believe I didn't see it. - What?
What a treasure you are.
Tell me where you come from.
Well, my body's originally from New York.
But I've been communing for the last three years in Phoenix.
Phoenix.
Tell me about Phoenix.
Well, my ex-old man, Jerome, he used to whittle wood jewelry.
See? He whittled all this for me.
He even whittled me a wedding ring. See the splinter?
Then he turned really evil. He was a truck driver...
...and those guys are all on crank.
And there's those, you know, transsexual prostitutes.
Anyway, he flipped out and thought I was an alien walk-in.
- You don't wanna hear this stuff. - No. No, I do.
What?
Oh, really?
No, I'm sorry you're lonely.
Yeah, well, maybe your security guard pal.
Now, maybe he can come over and comfort you.
No, really. Sally, I'm not being snide.
No.
You know, okay, I'm a bastard.
All right. Yeah. I'm a motherfucker.
I'm a dick too. Yeah? I'm a fuckwad. I'm a fucking fart...!
Sally, I'm gonna hang up.
I'm... Sally?
I'm sorry, I...
That was the girl that tried to have me killed this morning.
Well, I guess you have good reason to be cross with her.
Look, I'm sorry if I acted weird this morning.
It was all right.
I was just in shock, is all.
Meaning me?
I'm pregnant, okay?
It was something we were making plans for, we just...
We weren't planning on it happening now.
Right.
And Steven? He never told you about me?
No. But Steven's a normal-size guy...
...so maybe a child of ours wouldn't be affected.
I'm not sure that's how it works.
Well, I mean...
...what do I know, you know. I'm not a doctor.
I know some people, though, who are...
You know, they'd refer you to a specialist or something.
I could ask them.
- Yeah. - Congratulations. Either way.
Thanks.
We could've just gotten this information on the phone.
Yeah, we could...
...but what you need now is a real support network.
Hope my Uncle Bobby don't yell at me.
Don't freak out. It's not like we're all dysfunctional or anything.
Why is he gonna yell at you?
Well, I didn't make the convention Sunday night.
- What convention? - It's a thing for little people.
It's an annual thing where they get together...
...from all over the country and they eat or they chat.
Meet old friends, you know, catch up.
- Asshole. - We're here.
Rolfe's here! My dad's in the back yard.
Yeah?
Margaret, this is Carol. Carol, this is Margaret. Margaret's my cousin.
- Hi there. - Hi.
So you and Steven are getting married.
Yeah. I think maybe he wanted it to be a surprise.
Why? Now that you're expecting a baby...
...nothing to grope around in a fog of uncertainty.
If I have this baby and it turns out to be little...
...what does that mean in terms of raising him?
There'll be rough patches, there's no doubt about it.
But that's what life is all about. Dealing with hardship.
If a person can't deal with that, then they can't ever be happy.
Would you have had us again, Daddy?
I'd have to think long and hard about that.
Long and hard.
I think what Carol's thinking about is the medical aspects of the situation.
Yeah, that's totally what I'm thinking about.
I could give you a list of doctors to call...
...and give you literature on organizations.
- Good idea. - Look at it when you get a chance.
I will, thank you. Thanks.
Look, Carol, if you ever need anybody to talk to...
...I want you to call me, okay? - Yeah.
I mean it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, you don't have anything to be sorry about.
I'm just so embarrassed.
Now, why on Earth would you feel embarrassed?
Because here I am, questioning whether or not to bring a person...
...into the world who's just like you.
Oh, my God, what must I sound like?
You're only concerned about your baby. That's natural, honey.
I just want my kid to have a happy, productive life.
Of course you do.
There's nothing about being little that precludes being happy. Or productive.
Yeah. Look at us.
Hi, Steven.
- Hey, sweetie, how you doing? - Okay.
Good, good.
Have you been thinking about things?
A little bit, you know? I mean, it's been...
...pretty busy up here.
Say, how'd it go with Rolfe?
He's asleep on the couch.
Well, good for him. Good for him.
What, is that a problem?
No, no, that's not a problem. No problem at all.
We went for brunch this afternoon...
...at your uncle's house.
God, they were so nice. Bobby invited me to a party...
...at Jerry Robin, Jr. 's house tomorrow night.
I was kind of hoping we could all go together.
- Tomorrow night? - Yeah.
Well, sure, Carol. I tell you what, why don't I just meet you there.
You know what, my battery is just about to die on me.
So I will see you tomorrow. Sleep tight and sweet dreams, sweetie.
Okay.
That was smart.
You wanna go to a party tomorrow night?
Oh, it looks like the mothership.
- You look beautiful. - Thanks.
You said these parties got wild. I never expected this.
- Well, Jerry sure can throw a party. - This party's loud.
You know, Jerry, I think you might be a little too old for me.
Too old? Girl, you done hurt my feelings.
Oh, excuse me.
- Hey, baby. - Hey, sweetie.
- You been drinking? - No, silly. I can't drink. I'm pregnant.
Yes, you are.
I wanna introduce you to a couple of my students.
Darlene, Bernadette, this is my fiancée, Carol.
- Hi. - Hi.
That's my favorite dress.
There's sure a lot of midgets around here.
Actually, it's "little people. "
There we go. Look who's brushing up on the terminology.
Is that Jerry Robin, Jr. Sitting over there?
- It sure is. - I'm gonna get an autograph.
- Hey. - Yeah.
- Wanna get a drink or something? - I'd love to get a drink.
- Hey, Sally. Hey, Rolfe. - Hey.
- Have you seen Maurice and Lucy? - Oh, no, not again.
- What happened to your eye? - He was defending my honor.
Yeah.
- You wanna get a drink? - Yeah, sure.
That bourgeois shit makes me want to vomit.
Do you hear me?
You don't approve of my methods? Well, I don't approve of your methods.
Would you mind not doing that, please?
- Doing what? - Waving your finger in people's faces.
- It's rude. - Hey.
You better back off, Goldie Hawn. My man can do what he wants to do.
Listen to me.
Because I want you to know what I think about your organization.
You go, "We are the little people. Please, we are so cute and cuddly.
Don't discriminate against us. "
Our organization has battled long and hard...
...to sweep away those stereotypes.
Another thing: I think the term "little people" is demeaning.
- Carol, Sally. - Hi.
What sort of political activity do you suggest we create...
...once we disband, because we're so bourgeois?
What you people don't understand is that political power...
...it grows out of the barrel of a gun. - Yeah, right.
Now you want us to commit violence.
We don't do that here. Americans don't do that.
Oh, Americans.
Yeah, the people that saved your ass during World War II.
Oh, now you want to talk about the fucking war.
Why are we talking to this guy?
- He is very passionate. - Don't you patronize me.
- Yeah. - Who do you think you are?
I am French! And I'm proud to be French.
I am proud not to eat this disgusting swill you people call cuisine.
- I am proud. - Excuse my friend... Fuck.
- Fuck. - Fucking asshole.
Bobby is my uncle. Besides being my uncle, he happens to be a great guy.
- He is nothing. - Oh, fuck.
- Who the fuck are you, anyway? - Hey, I know who I am.
And I know what I am. I am a Marxist.
- Who are you? - I don't wanna hear about it.
Just lay off. I don't even wanna see you the fuck near him. You got it?
Fine.
So have you known Rolfe a long time?
- Yeah, we used to date in high school. - No, really?
- He went to high school? - Yeah, that was ages ago.
I'm just waiting...
What's the matter, you got some kind of identity crisis going on?
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you tell your girlfriend about us?
What's it to you, man?
Okay. Forget about us, forget about family, you just focus on this:
You knocked up this gal and didn't tell her that her baby might be little.
- And how's that any of your business? - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm your brother.
It hurts to think that you're so ashamed of it.
Oh, goddamn you, Rolfe.
Man, sometimes you are so full of shit.
- I'm full of shit? - Yeah, full of shit.
Just because I'm not one of these guys...
...who has to bare his soul to everybody.
- I'm not like you. - Sorry, I should've been more careful.
I should've kept in mind that anyone who meets you...
...will automatically know that you've got a twin brother who's a midget.
- God. - You know, when she saw me...
...she got it, straight up.
And I just... I just...
...introduced her to people who could answer some questions and that's it.
Look, it's my life too, okay?
If you wanna blame someone for being nosy, then blame me.
I needed information, I got it. Rolfe didn't do anything.
- Hey, you don't have to defend me. - I can if I want.
I'm gonna find Sally. I'm gonna take Sally home.
- Look, you want me to drive you? - No, I'll take a cab.
- Are you mad at me now? - No, I'm not mad.
I'm just bewildered.
Look, Carol, I wish I had some answers, all right? But I don't.
- All right? Not right now. Come here. - Yeah, well, it's been a crazy week.
Yeah.
- Jesus, Steven. - It's gonna be all right, baby. All right?
I'll make it up to you. Just give me some time.
I can't find her anywhere.
- She's gotta be around here. - I saw Sally there a little while ago.
Thanks, Augie.
You go get the car, I'll help Rolfe find his girlfriend.
Sally!
Rolfe? Hey, Rolfe, wait up.
Oh, shit.
- Rolfe. - What's up, man?
- Rolfe. - That's it.
- I'm done with you, Sally. - Rolfe? Rolfe.
Hey, Rolfe, wait up.
- What's going on? - Rolfe caught Sally...
...screwing Jerry Robin, Jr.
- He's really broken up. - Oh, shit.
- Let's just go, okay? - All right.
- You got the ticket, sweetie? - Yeah.
- Here you go. - Right away, sir.
Listen, can you wait for me just a second?
Yeah, sure.
What do you say, man?
Carol told me what happened and that's pretty fucked-up.
What a bitch, huh?
I was stupid to think anything could be different or change.
You think I'm stupid?
- You're asking if I think you're stupid? - You're taking too long to answer.
Come on, get in the car. Come home with us.
- I'm waiting for a cab. - Fuck the cab.
- Come home with us, man. - You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
You already been on the sofa, haven't you?
Hey. You're awake.
What's going on?
Can't sleep.
Why, what's the matter?
It's not too late to think about adopting.
Look.
I'm not one of those crazy anti-abortion people, Steven...
...you know that.
But I want this baby.
Having a fucked-up kid is no bed of roses, Carol.
Hey. Do not apply the term "fucked-up" to our child, okay?
You know what I mean.
Well, what was Rolfe's childhood like?
Did the other kids give him a hard time?
No, not really.
There's other problems with being little...
...besides the social stuff, you know?
- Like what, medical stuff? - Yeah.
I mean, when Rolfe was a kid...
...he was in a lot of pain. He used to cry all the time.
- Why? Being a little person hurts? - Yeah.
See, they've got...
They've got organs, musculature, that's too big for their skeleton.
Yeah, right, but they have drugs for that, don't they?
Yeah, it's called morphine.
Then sometimes they need surgery.
What do you mean? Did Rolfe need surgery?
No. Thank God, oh, no.
And what was his teenage years like?
Rolfe as a teenager?
That guy got laid two years before I did.
- With Sally? - Absolutely.
You should've seen those two. They were hysterical.
They were like this dysfunctional old couple, you know.
This one time in school...
...and they couldn't have been more than 15 years old...
...it was between classes...
...Sally corners Rolfe and she screams at the top of her lungs...
...she says, "Rolfe Bedalia, you haven't fucked me in five months. "
The principal was there. All the kids were there.
You should've seen Rolfe's face. It was beautiful.
I was so goddamn jealous of that guy.
Have you ever been involved with a little person sexually?
No, just kid stuff, you know?
All the kids would come over, sit in a circle, play doctor.
Couldn't have been more than 10 or 12, so that doesn't count.
So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people?
I would've loved to see that.
- You would like to see that. - Yes, I would.
- Are you sure you wanna do this? - Yeah, I really am.
You sure you're not just trying to make some weird political statement?
Oh, God. What a peculiar thing to say.
Well, I'm a peculiar guy.
I'm serious.
I think you have a lot of ambivalence about your family being little.
It's not healthy and I think you should consider getting some help.
Are you saying you think I need to see a shrink?
God, there's nothing wrong with seeing a shrink, okay?
Don't you see?
It's not a good thing for a child, if he's little...
...to have a father who's ambivalent about little people.
I hope you'll at least consider it.
So tell me, Carol, what is it exactly you do for a living?
- I'm a painter. - A painter?
What, you mean, like, fine art?
- Did you go to school? - Yeah...
...to the New York School of Art and Design.
I'm impressed.
- You mean you make money at that? - Yeah, it pays the bills.
Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Lefarge. Welcome, I'm Steven.
- How do you do? - Very well.
Carol said you were handsome. Isn't he handsome?
- Oh, my God. - Y'all come on in.
- How was the drive? - Not bad, not bad.
- Good. - Mom, Dad.
- Hi, sweetie. - There you are.
Oh, honey, you look beautiful. Just beautiful.
This is Steven's father, Bruno, and his mom, Kathleen.
And over behind the bar is Steven's brother, Rolfe.
- Hi. - How are you?
Everyone, this is my mom and dad, Kirk and Sylvia.
- Nice to meet you. - So, what are y'all drinking?
Let me have a 7 and 7.
Sylvia?
- She'll have a vodka tonic. - Vodka tonic, coming up.
- I'll help you. - So you wanna come out back?
- We're all set up out there. - All right.
Thought she might want a double.
You all right?
So there's pretty good money in this firefighting business, is there?
Well, actually, I train cadets to be firefighters.
And, you know, fires are pretty much recession-proof.
I'd say it's pretty steady, yeah.
- Where did you learn all this stuff? - In the Navy.
- You're a Navy man? - Yes, sir.
Well, what do you know? Navy man myself.
- All right. - Where were you stationed?
Get me that barbecue sauce from the kitchen.
Pop's pretty much a fanatic when it comes to the barbecue.
- You could've prepared us for this. - I didn't think it was important.
Embarrass me, I won't speak to you.
- So just get it together, Mom, okay? - Always the nonconformist.
- How's everybody's drink? - Still working on mine, thanks.
Sylvia?
- Where's that sauce, Steven? - Yeah, yeah, on it, Pop.
Okay, everybody. Hors d'oeuvre time.
Everybody, please gather round. I would like to propose a toast.
Hey, Rolfie!
To a very beautiful young woman and a very fine young man...
...who are very much in love and who, hopefully, as the years go by...
...will find the same joy and happiness...
...that Steven's mother and I have found these past 30 years.
- Hear, hear. - Amen.
There once was a young fellow from Sparta
- No, Kirk. - Who was a real whiz as a farter
He'd fart anything, from "God Save the King"
To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter And then a Handelian cantata
Boost up his ass Blast Bach's B minor Mass
And then counterpoint La Traviata
That has to be the last one.
- Obviously, he can't drink any more. - Yes, he can.
- No, no, this is getting better, yes. - No, give him some water. My God.
- You have no idea... - Yes, drink away.
You know, these steaks are really delicious.
Genuine prime rib. I have it brought in from Omaha.
- I'm stuffed like a pig. - Save some room for dessert, Rolfe.
Oh, no, I can't. I can barely breathe, I'm so full.
Is everything all right, Sylvia?
Oh, yes. I was just thinking, is all.
Sylvia. Don't think.
I think that there's something that we need to bring up...
...that you won't want to hear. - Mom.
I'm sorry. But this has to be brought out into the open.
I certainly wouldn't want anyone to think that we're prejudiced people.
Daddy.
All right, Kirk, you tell them.
You're a lot more diplomatic than I am.
Well, the fact of the matter is...
...Carol's grandfather is getting on in years.
- Please. - And...
...he's an Orthodox Jew. And he's never forgiven us for going Reform.
So unless you can bring yourself to have a Jewish wedding...
...would you at least consider a civil ceremony?
Otherwise, we won't be able to invite him.
I got no problem with a Jewish wedding.
Are you sure?
Yeah. Mom?
Pop? Carol?
- Rolfe? - Lf he dies before they get married...
...can we switch back to Catholic?
When a man and a woman come together before God...
...and announce their intentions...
May God be blessed with the men and women...
...of Israel and every generation...
Look at that wedding dress. That's a waste of a dress.
Look at that belly.
- I would not kick her out of bed. - You're starting to piss me off now.
Enough with her.
But you love me.
All right. But you know what? That should be us down there, right?
Don't you ever think of marrying me?
Marriage is for morons. It turns a lover into a relative.
Like a brother...
...or a sister.
I can't think of anything that takes the passion out of a relationship...
...more than marriage.
You may kiss the bride.
Mazel tov!
Oh, my God.
Hello, Mrs. Bedalia.
Nice name, huh?
You know what? Hold on one second.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
Rolfe.
- Hey, what are you doing? - I just wanted to say thank you.
I haven't done anything.
God, you did so much. And I really appreciate it.
Well, Steven's a...
He's a very lucky guy.
I just hope he's smart enough not to screw it up.
- So, what are you gonna do now? - I'm gonna go to my parents' place.
Cabin, Big Bear. For the winter. Get some writing done.
I think you're wonderful, Rolfe.
Dr. Morgan, please report to the administration desk.
- How you doing, Carol? - Okay.
Steven?
We're gonna run some tests.
Vincent's gonna have to stay here at the clinic.
Then we'll start him on a long-term regimen...
...that we'll keep him on through puberty.
Just hang in there, honey, okay? We can handle this.
We're talking biweekly hormone injections...
...monthly blood samples to monitor his liver function.
After a while you'll be able to administer the injections yourself.
- It's gonna be a big commitment. - Yeah, but we're up for that.
- Aren't we, Steven? - Goddamn it!
Damn it, how can you two be so calm?
Because I'm prepared. And because we don't have a choice.
I read all the books that you recommended.
Good. I think you'll be fine.
- As for you... - Yeah, what about me?
Please, Steven, you're gonna frighten the baby.
- What about me? - I think you should seek...
...some counseling. - That's what I told him.
Look, what I need...
...are new chromosomes.
You're making this so much harder than it needs to be...
...do you know that?
I can't talk to him. He won't listen to me.
Nurse Simon, please pick up line six. Nurse Simon, please pick up line six.
- How you doing, sweetie? - I'm okay. Are you okay?
How's he doing?
Let me take him for a while.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
- Got him? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen to this guy, huh?
Oh, my God, he's been going like this for two hours straight.
He hurts.
Yeah, well, I gave him the drops, but...
They seemed to help a little bit, but...
- Give him something stronger. - I can't. I called them.
They said it was normal for babies with his condition.
What?
Just say the word one time.
- What? - Just say the word one time, Carol.
- Please, Steven... - What's his condition?
Ten months, you haven't said it one time. What's his condition?
Why is he crying? Why is he hurting? Because he's a dwarf.
- Carol, he's a dwarf! - Stop it!
- He's a baby and you're scaring him! - A baby and a dwarf...
...and he's crying because he hurts.
- Fuck you! - His insides can't get outside.
- Fuck you! - One time!
One time, say the goddamn word!
He's a dwarf!
I'm a dwarf!
Look, this can't go on anymore.
Carol, this is just not working out.
Look, no one said this was gonna be easy.
I know.
But it's not getting any better. Not between us, it's not.
Oh, Steven.
I can't take it.
I mean, it's obvious that I'm just making things worse.
I just think I can do better by Vincent...
...we can do better by Vincent...
...if I'm somewhere else.
And you really think that?
Yeah.
I do.
Expecting someone?
Not me.
Did you fart?
No, I did not fart.
Enough.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Steven and I separated.
I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience.
No, not at all.
Is it okay if we stay for a few days?
Sure. Stay as long as you like.
Thanks.
Is this my nephew?
Holy cow.
He's a good-looking kid.
Hey.
Come in.
So how do you guys get by so far from civilization?
It's a perfect situation for a writer.
- Oh, how's it going, your writing? - It's pretty good.
I'm syndicated in three papers.
The San Diegan, The Fresno Bee and the Chicago Tribune.
That's so great.
Rolfe's a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. That's what they want.
Yeah, Maurice thinks that my views aren't radical enough.
- They aren't. - From what I remember...
...of your politics, I don't think they'd go over in a mainstream paper.
You better be careful, they could lock you in a loony bin...
...and that's not fun.
If Maurice had his way, he'd take the heads...
...of the members of Congress, put them on a spear and display them...
...out on the White House lawn.
Yeah, that sounds like the Maurice I remember.
One day, I wanna buy a place like this.
Well, until you do, you can stay here as long as you want.
Superb.
We need a woman around here.
Someone to do the dishes, someone to wash the clothes.
In your dreams, pal.
Maurice probably liked it in the Dark Ages when we scrubbed...
...the skidmarks out of your loincloth.
I think the women's liberation movement is an excuse...
...for every poor female pig who needed a reason...
...not to clean up after themselves. - You know what?
Until you stop blasting a hole in the ozone with your toxic gas attacks...
...this little maid's on an extended coffee break.
Feeding time again.
If you drink, does he get drunk too?
I'm not drunk.
Well, maybe a little bit.
Hey, you ever hear from Sally?
Sally? No. We're...
...not in contact right now.
I liked her.
She had her good points.
Yeah, well, fuckability, Maurice, is not the be-all and end-all...
Your relationship with Lucy is nothing to crow about!
Now they fight like this all the time!
That's a shame. You seem like a really good couple.
Turn it down!
Lucy, I've had it with you!
I am not your old lady anymore, Maurice.
I am moving out of your teepee.
That is just super with me! I can't take it anymore!
Bye, Rolfe. Thanks for everything.
Lucy, I really hate to see you leave like this.
- I am leaving you first. - Oh, no, you're not. You know what?
Last one who leaves is a rotten egg.
Hey.
How are you, buddy?
Hey.
Caught in the act.
Well, he was awake.
I figured you could use a break.
You go on. Go back to bed.
Really. Get some rest.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
I'm no expert on babies...
...but I think I got things covered here.
He's okay.
Thanks.
Good night.
Hey, Carol.
How was your drive?
It was good.
It was uneventful, you know.
Look at you.
He's getting big and strong.
Yeah, he is.
Hello, Vincent.
My little man.
How you doing?
I'm doing all right.
I'm working on it.
Trying to be the man that you want me to be.
You've gotta want it too, Steven.
You know what, I do want it.
I love you.
I know that.
I've never doubted that for a moment.
But it's not about you and me anymore.
You've gotta love our child.
You don't think that I love Vincent?
No, I know that you do.
It's just, you can't show it.
If you can't show it, then as far as he's concerned...
...it might as well not exist.
Don't you see? Right now, you don't have a lot to offer him.
No. You're... You're wrong.
That's what I want. I...
I wanna show it.
All right? If you'll just give me another chance.
Look, what goes on between a parent and a child...
...that's what's really important.
Vincent's gotta come first.
I'm not angry with you, okay?
I'm not angry.
And I don't hate you.
So, what are you gonna do, Carol?
You gonna live up here in the woods like a couple of hippies?
Listen to me, okay?
This way, we can all still be family.
You can see your kid whenever you want.
But he can't wait around for you. He has too many needs right now.
- I'm his father. - But right now you're too self-involved.
You're too confused.
I've got too much to do already without spending my time bringing you along.
And this is what you want?
This is what I think is right.
Hey, Rolfe.
Boy, what you two must think of me, huh?
What does that mean?
You're still my brother.
Coming in?
No, I don't think so.
I'm gonna say goodbye to Vincent and head on back to the city.
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad.
I'll see you around, big boy.
Love my son.
You're gonna be okay, Steven.
I'm gonna do my best.
You okay?
Yeah.
A little shook-up.
I don't think I'll be getting to sleep anytime soon.
Here.
Come with me.
Come on.
You okay?
It's heavenly.
Absolutely heavenly.
Look at the stars. They're so bright up there.
Rolfe.
What?
You can kiss me if you want.