Our five-day forecast.
Next up, the tree girl from Elkerton.
Living in a tree for an entire year...
local girl, Rianna "Hummingbird" Holmes, is finally coming down.
Unlike the better known Julia Hill...
the rest of Miss Holmes' forest was leveled...
though she did manage to save one giant redwood tree.
- All right! - How are you doing?
I just want to thank everyone who sent me...
food and letters of support.
Especially the mentally handicapped child who sent me this book of poems.
She read my poems!
Thank you.
Dimples!
Come on in the house!
Morning, Miss De La Rosa. Dimples got out again.
I let him out.
Well, you have a good day now.
I am a warrior.
On your left.
Well, boys and girls...
this is the most important room in the entire police station.
This is the police evidence room. This is where I work.
Are you a real policeman?
Evidence file clerks work very closely with real policemen.
So you're not a real policeman.
As soon as I pass the obstacle course, I'm gonna be a real policeman.
Yeah, okay, pal.
All the evidence is arranged by case number.
Do you realize we're almost as tall as you?
This field trip sucks.
I think I might have some candy somewhere.
Look, everyone- marijuana!
I'm sorry. You're not allowed to touch that. That's police evidence.
What are you gonna do- arrest us? You're not a real cop.
Guys, that's really-
- I got him! - Yea!
Mange!
What is going on in here?
Let me see that.
Thanks, Sarge.
Right there. You're missing an "R."
There. Outstanding.
Now, who wants to go for a ride with a real police officer?
- Marvin, what happened to you? - Kids.
I can't believe you let a bunch of eight-year-old kids embarrass you.
I'm gonna really do it this time, Dad.
I'm gonna be a real policeman just like you were.
I'll make you so proud of me.
I'm not gonna be a huge loser anymore.
Give me that!
- Stretch it, Marvin! - It won't go any further.
Back up. Let me give it a shot. Come on, Marvin!
Maybe this year you won't pee your pants and cry for your mama.
- That was a good one, Sarge. - Don't worry. Nobody remembers that.
Listen up.
You have four minutes to complete...
the physical endurance portion of your police examination.
I have personally designed this course...
to simulate actual conditions one might encounter...
in the field.
Good luck.
Take a good look at that ass. You'll be following it all day.
Ready! Set!
Go, Marvin! Go!
Go, Marvin! You got her!
Marvin, take her!
Kiss it!
Oh, okay. Right.
How does this simulate something that would happen in the field?
Come on, Marvin!
You got it! That's it!
- Marvin, you okay? - At least you didn't pee in your pants.
Maybe we should wait till everyone leaves.
Pop quiz. Who's this?
Mange!
That's four times in a row.
Refills?
Thank you.
- Y'all see that shit? - What?
I'm sitting in the middle, and she poured my beer first.
So?
Don't you see? It's because I'm black.
Maybe she's just being nice.
- See, now we're getting to it. - What?
What y'all call "nice," I call reverse racism.
"Let's be overly nice to the black man.
Let's make up for his ancestors being plucked from their homeland...
crammed by the hundreds into leaky boats with no bathrooms...
like human tuna fish, and if most of them didn't die on the way over...
they would have to go into show business to make a decent damn living. "
And now she's gonna pour my beer first?
That's not gonna make up for 400 years of injustice. No, sir. Not today.
I wish I was black.
I'd have my onion rings by now.
I gotta go take a wizzer.
Oh, geez, I'm sorry.
I didn't know anybody was in here.
There's a long line in the ladies' room.
Wait. You're Rianna "Hummingbird" Holmes.
Look, I think it's great what you did, saving that tree...
even though they leveled all those other trees.
Glad to see you're doing your part.
I'm sorry. I'm wasting trees.
They should get one of those-
They should get one of those blow job by things.
I mean, hand jobbies- I mean, hand blowers.
Bye.
I wrote you a poem.
Working out and eating a high-protein diet is not enough.
You need a high-potency, high-mineral, mega-amino...
anabolic body-building supplement.
Nothing legally will give you all that...
except Badger Milk.
A badger can lift 20 times its body weight.
Can you do that?
Our potent supplement is made up of 25% real badger milk.
If you call now, you'll get...
two cartons of Badger Milk for the price of one.
Check out the pecs on Yolanda.
That is pure Badger Milk.
Hey, Marv, could you cover for me for a minute?
- I'm the only one here. - No problem.
Everyone else is down at the softball game. Thanks.
There's a softball game today?
Freeze, puke!
Put down that VCR! Put it down!
Oh, you bought it, did you?
Oh, you have a receipt, do you?
My mistake.
I'm new on the force.
Police Department. Can I help you?
This is Mr. Tam of Tam's Restaurant. I'm being robbed.
Tam's Restaurant? That's terrible! I go there all the time.
You guys have the best orange-flavored bean cake.
- Thank you very much. - The chili peppers give it a real kick.
They're shooting at me now!
Hold on. I'll get some help.
Officers needed. I got a two-eleven. Robbery in progress.
Hello?
Outstanding.
Officers needed! Hello?
Can you just sit tight until I can reach somebody?
I got a two-eleven in progress. I'm in pursuit.
Hello? Two-eleven in progress!
That wasn't so bad.
- Thanks for the lift. - Not at all.
Dimples, you okay?
The Badger Milk girl.
She seems nice.
Now, that's good badger milk.
- Hey, Fatty. - I gotta go.
Marvin, where the hell have you been?
Well, last night after you left, I got a call.
Two-eleven. Robbery in progress at Tam's Restaurant.
Marvin, it was over a week ago.
You've been missing for eight days.
- What? - I tried to cover for you.
I told everyone you were an unreliable drunk who disappears for days on end.
So I think you're okay.
- Thanks a lot. - Are you all right, Marvin?
Do you wanna see a doctor?
No. I feel great.
- On your left. - Sure, pass the old guy, big man!
- How's it going? - What?
Shit!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, boy! Come on!
Oh, easy! Easy! Whoa!
Slow down.
Wow. You gotta show me how you do that.
I wish I knew. I'm Marvin.
I'm Rianna.
I know. I met you in the men's room.
Oh, yeah. The fart guy.
So, are all these dogs yours?
Kind of. I volunteer at a pet shelter.
- Oh, that's great. - Yeah, it's pretty cool.
I get to hang out with all sorts of different animals and-
At least this time I have a roof over my head.
Is something wrong?
No. Nothing's wrong. Why?
- Nice catch. - Thank you.
You should come by the shelter sometime.
You know, you could play Frisbee with the dogs.
I'd like that.
Bye.
I'm sorry.
Miles, I gotta talk to you.
I didn't know you smoked.
I don't. It's illegal to smoke in the airports.
I just wanted to show you how bad it's gotten. Watch this.
See? Nobody even says anything to me because I'm black.
"Oh, let's bend the rules for the black guy.
Let's let him smoke because he's black. "
Just because all those old blues musicians never got any royalties...
and had to play one-night gigs until they were, like, a hundred...
just so they could pay for their whores, and now I can smoke anywhere I want to.
- Man, that's bullshit. - Something weird happened to me.
Yeah? Well, something weird happened to me too. They made me supervisor.
- That's great. - Is it? I've been here 16 days, Marvin.
That Filipino over there has been here five years.
You know why they made me supervisor?
Because you're black?
No. 'Cause that bitch is dumb.
Excuse me, sir. I'm in a hurry.
Not until I check you with my magic wand, you ain't.
Arms out.
I ordered the stuff from the TV, and I think it's working.
- Flight 32 is now boarding. - Physically, there's-
That's odd. Do you smell that?
- It's this way. - What is?
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
What, are you crazy or something? Let go of my leg!
Get off of me!
He's got drugs on him. Check him.
What are you talking about? This guy's clean.
- He's clean. - You see?
You can go.
No, wait.
Hey.
I hope he's on our flight.
That's a huge bitch!
Well, I don't know whose that is, but that's not mine.
It's pure heroin. You're pretty good, buddy. What's your name?
Mange. Marvin Mange.
You'll be hearing from us.
Chief Wilson, could you tell us what happened at the airport?
The drugs were found by the newest member on our force-
Marvin Mange.
Here to take you through the arrest is Sergeant Doug Sisk.
Thank you, sir. Ladies and gentlemen...
- the suspect flew in from Colombia- - Excuse me.
I have a question for Officer Mange.
Is it true that you can smell things in people's butts?
I guess so.
Can you smell things that are not in people's butts?
Like, say, things in people's pants pockets or wallets?
Officer Mange, I'm from the free press.
What's up my butt?
Uh, sir, I'd rather not.
Oh, come on. What's up there?
Car keys.
- He's good. - Over here!
- No more questions. - What about me, sir?
Over here, Officer Mange, please.
Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Look, I don't want to guess what's up your butt, okay?
No, it's not that.
You see, I released you...
to see if you could function normally in society.
But now you're attracting too much attention.
I just can't take the chance.
- What are you talking about? - I was the one that found you.
I put you back together.
Don't you remember the animals?
Well, how do you explain your enhanced sense of smell...
your ability to run twice as fast or jump ten feet in the air?
It's the Badger Milk. I ordered it from the TV.
I need you to come with me.
You're crazy. I'm not going anywhere with you.
Sorry about the dart.
I think you'll find everything you need here-
water, food, a place to work out.
Where am I?
Well, you were born here, sort of.
You see, when I found you, you were more dead than alive.
The only way to save you was my ground breaking procedure-
radical trans-species-ectomy.
- What's that mean? - I put animal parts in you.
You put wild animals inside me?
I wish. I don't have that kind of money.
Most of the animals I used were abandoned by a Mexican circus...
or came from the private zoo of a famous pop star.
Why, there's Mr. Giggles.
He really misses the pop star.
I'm not allowed to say who.
Your life is here with me now. Hmm?
Look, doc, I appreciate you saving me.
Thank you. I think.
But whatever you did with the animals is working for me.
So I'm just gonna go on with my new life.
Your human side may not be able to control it.
I have to go.
I have to try it.
I'm sorry. I can't allow that.
Sit.
Listen up, shit stains.
I don't know how you worked that balloon trick out of the guy's ass.
I don't.
But I'm watching ya.
Now, the fact of the matter is, you're not even a full-fledged cop yet.
You're not, okay?
And until you pass your 30-day probation...
you belong to me.
I'll have you thrown out of here so quick, it'll make your head spin.
All the best.
Don't be ashamed, son. I've eaten out of the garbage before.
Yeah, this baby is nailed down tight.
Not going anywhere. All righty.
One minute, okay? Give me one minute. I'll be right back.
He was trying to get out.
You might want to get a cover for this.
Yeah, maybe. Come on back.
I'll show you the animals.
This is Molly. She's a young turkey vulture.
Hey, baby.
Her parents were killed by a hunter...
and we're having the hardest time getting her to eat.
I'm worried she's not gonna make it.
She just misses her mom, that's all.
She doesn't eat whole worms.
That was really amazing.
So, what do you think?
It's all right. He's nice.
There are a lot of animals in here.
Yeah, I know. It's a little crowded.
I just don't have the heart to turn any of them away.
But it's cool. We're like one big, happy family.
This is Henry, the orangutan. He's very affectionate.
He really likes people. He just doesn't like other monkeys.
We have quite a collection of exotic birds.
Macaws and-
My friend Cosmo's a parrot.
You are a good boy.
Parrots are one of the smartest creatures in the animal kingdom.
- Really? - Want some food? Want a peanut?
Yeah, it's been proven they have the intelligence of a five-year-old child.
- A five-year-old? - People think parrots just mimic...
but I actually think they have thoughts of their own.
Some of them even have a vocabulary of up to 200 words.
Cosmo here has about 150.
That's incredible. I didn't know any of that.
Hi there.
Sometimes I feel like I get along better with animals than people.
Animals are simple. They're honest. You know what I mean?
I guess I kind of like people better.
With animals, I just feel like I'm one of them.
Easy, boy.
Do you ever feel that way?
It's crazy. Crazy.
Calm down. What's the matter with you guys?
Guys, let me ask you a serious question.
Do you ever have trouble with control?
Yes. The first thing you have to do is admit you have a problem.
You have to come out and say, "I am a porn addict. "
Not that kind of control.
I've been having these animal urges.
Me too! I got this one crazy video on the mating rituals of a hippopotamus.
He was trying to take my meat.
Hey, doc! Dr. Wilder!
There you go. Tummy's all gone now.
Hmm. How is my boy? I knew you'd come home.
I'm not "coming home. "
Stop it! You're not helping.
- Sorry. - Look, doc, you were right.
This control thing is a lot harder than I thought.
This might help. Here.
This morning, I woke up in a butcher shop.
- I have no idea how I got there. - Oh, I see.
The other day, I was eating out of a garbage can.
I bit someone, and then...
I made love to a mailbox.
Your subconscious is reverting to a primal state.
That's why I wanted you to stay here.
I was so sad when you left.
I thought we could be buddies.
I even gave you a name.
Snowball.
I already have a name.
Oh, Snowball already has a name, hmm?
Who's a good boy, then?
I'm a good boy. I'm- This is serious!
I'm turning into an animal here!
All right.
Four whole turkeys, a dozen lamb shanks...
two salmon, my pet rabbit-
Oh, Charlie. One ham hock.
You see? You didn't want the biscuit because you satisfied your hunger.
Now that I have your attention, listen carefully.
You must anticipate your instincts-
satisfy your animal urges before they take over.
Hunger will be your biggest challenge.
There's also your sex drive.
If you like, I could help you with that.
That's all right. I'm good.
I gotta go.
There are a few things bothering me here.
I don't know how you got to the butcher shop break-in before I did...
but let me guarantee you something-
You had damn sure better not be trying to show me up...
with any of your super cop bullshit.
Not at all, sir.
You got one week of probation left, Mange...
and I'm gonna be all over you.
Say "hello" to your new partner.
What's all that shit?
Supplies. I want to be prepared for anything.
Of course you do.
Hey, pigs.
Why don't you get the hell outta here, homes? This is our neighborhood.
You're just a regular bad-ass, aren't you, Mange?
Now, when did you first notice it was missing, sir?
This morning about 5:30.
I parked the tractor right here. Now it's gone.
Is that your goat?
Yeah, that's Nellie.
- She's in heat, huh? - Yeah.
That's why I got her separated from the other animals.
They can't resist her.
Makes sense.
Makes a lot of sense.
Mange, shut up.
- Now, are these tracks still fresh? - They are.
Walk me through the whereabouts of all your farmhands at the time of the crime.
I'm gonna check out something over here.
How's it going?
My name's Marvin.
You got it going on.
Gears? All of them.
Have you noticed anything abnormal in the area of late?
Control, Marvin.
Control.
Sweetie. Yes, you make me laugh.
That's not your property?
So soft.
I'm gonna find this man-
Oh, my! Watch this, Mange.
The professor is in.
Take out your pen and take notes.
Hey, guys.
Ma'am...
now, I really oughta be giving you a ticket for being too darn cute.
But I'll tell you what.
I'll settle for taking you out for a drink on Saturday night.
- What do you say? - Maybe another time.
I already have a date...
with Marvin.
Right, Marvin?
Yeah. I forgot.
I'm picking her up at 8:00?
Dinner and a walk.
I'll see you then.
A walk. I got an idea.
Why don't I take you for a walk down to the women's store...
so I can get you a blouse to go along with the meter maid outfit...
you're gonna be wearing from now on, 'cause that's your new job!
Get in the car!
Now, this is the mayor's annual charity event.
I want you to keep a low profile. Got it?
- Got it. - How are my teeth?
- Great. - Good.
That's far enough, shit stains.
I don't want you anywhere near the mayor or his guests. You got me?
I'll be a good boy.
And for God's sake, keep your shirt on.
I would like to thank everyone here...
for the success of this fund-raiser.
The fire department is going to love their new equipment.
- Outstanding! - Hi, Daddy.
Hi, sweetheart.
Where are you off to? You keep an eye on him.
- Yes, sir. - That is one handsome little fellow.
Bacon-wrapped shrimp?
Oh, thank you.
Hey, there he is. How are you?
I am so sorry, Mr. Mayor.
Aren't you that drug-sniffing cop?
Yes, sir.
It's a fur ball.
Sir, this officer's been on probation. He obviously failed.
He's off the force as of now.
Do you hear that?
You all right? You know, you scared your old man.
Wonderful!
Chief, this is one fine cop you've got here.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
- Hey, there he is. - Hey, listen up! A toast!
To the newest cop on the force, baby!
Go, Aquaman!
- Outstanding! - You're all right, man.
- You're all right. - Right there. Go.
So you were really able to hear that kid drowning from that far away?
- Yeah. - All right.
Then what am I saying now?
You were born with only one testicle.
You keep that shit to yourself.
I'm just worried about my date with the tree girl.
I don't know if it's gonna work out.
She's a man, isn't she?
I knew it when you met her in the men's room.
I have to tell you guys something.
I got into a terrible car crash in the mountains.
Some scientist found me and put me back together with different animal parts.
Now I can't control my sexual urges.
If you don't wanna hang out with me because I'm black, just let me know.
Yeah.
I hope you like vegetarian.
I love it.
Look at her.
And look at the disaster she's with.
They make it so easy for us.
Thanks for helping me out with Sergeant Sisk.
No, it was no problem.
I wasn't sure if you really meant it.
Of course I did.
Yeah?
So, how are the animals doing over at the shelter?
I started feeling bad about the lack of space...
so I started to bring some of the animals home with me.
Maybe I'm crazy.
I don't think so. I think you're pretty amazing.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
You know, there's something about you, Marvin.
I cannot figure it out.
How is your grilled eggplant?
- Nice, huh? - Yes, it's lovely. Thank you.
You are the lovely one.
- Where's the bathroom? - Next to the bar.
Great. Thank you. Excuse me for a second.
Do you smell that?
It's kind of musty.
Asparagus, next table.
Oh, you have a little-
- Oh. - I'll get it.
That was either the nicest thing that's ever happened to me...
or the grossest.
- Will you excuse me for a minute? - Of course.
- Sorry. - I ordered us some sorbet.
Great.
Will you excuse me again, please?
There you go.
Oh, thank you.
Wow. That's such a beautiful necklace you have.
- Thanks. - Did you get that in Italy?
- Yes, in Florence. - I am from Firenze.
My family lives there. You stay with them. I'll give you my number.
Call me.
Tony, I'm gonna have a smoke.
What ever happened to that waiter?
I guess he was done with his shift or something.
Thanks for the walk.
No. Thank you for dinner. It was great.
So, can I invite you in?
It's been such a perfect evening.
I'd hate to ruin it by attacking you.
Well, that's honest.
So, I guess this is good night.
Good night.
Tomorrow, we're releasing Molly the turkey vulture back into the wild.
You should come by.
I wouldn't miss it.
Okay. Good night.
I've never seen anything like it.
There was blood, guts everywhere.
There was nothing left of that cow!
It even ate most of the hooves.
I'm telling you, chief, there's some kind of a beast out there.
All the other cows are too afraid to eat or shit.
And they ain't got nothing else.
I'm gonna have an officer drive you home, you hear?
All I want you to do is just take care of your cows.
I'm gonna go put on a puppet show for 'em.
- Maybe that'll calm 'em down. - Marvin.
Can I see you in my office for a minute?
That was Bob Harris.
Last night a couple of his cows got all torn up.
Looks to me like it might be one of those satanic rituals.
Do you worship the dark lord?
No, sir.
Help yourself.
Bob got a look at a man running away from the scene.
We made a composite...
from his description.
Do you recall...
where you were last night between midnight and 5:00 A.M.?
I was sleeping, sir.
Do you have...
anyone who can corroborate that?
No, sir.
Can you explain why that drawing...
looks like you, Marvin?
I'm going to have to ask you to go on paid leave until we figure this out.
I'm also going to have to ask you to teach me how you do that.
Sorry, Dad.
Is that a beaver dam?
What's happening to you?
Look, you have to go.
You can trust me.
Only an animal would do something like that.
There must be some other explanation.
I know you, and you wouldn't hurt anyone or anything.
It's getting late.
You can't stay here much longer.
I'm not going anywhere.
You're not dangerous...
and I'm gonna stay here tonight to prove it to you.
It's not safe.
At night, I lose control.
What are you doing?
I have no idea.
Knock it off.
If you're gonna stay here, at least tie me up.
What?
I want you to tie me up...
so that I won't hurt anybody.
My handcuffs!
You looked so uncomfortable.
When did you take them off?
I don't remember.
You wore them for a while...
and then I wore them for a while.
You are an animal.
I am? Awesome!
Marvin, go!
This is Chief Wilson. Last night, a hunter was attacked!
Mange! We know about the barn!
Marvin, you gotta get outta here! Marvin, get out!
- The freak show's over. Come with me! - Go!
Freeze!
Super cop Marvin Mange has turned fugitive today.
He's wanted for the assault of a bird hunter, and the attack of two cows.
The suspect is considered dangerous...
and Elkerton Police Chief Marion Wilson is assembling...
a task force of the city's finest officers.
Ladies and gentlemen...
our suspect is not human.
He is at home in the bush.
Shoot to kill.
Any questions?
Yeah, I got a question there. When do we get to light our torches?
- When it gets dark. - I see.
I got another question there.
Suppose, hypothetically, you know...
a guy had already lit his torch.
It'd be cool if he could just keep it lit, huh?
Yes.
Oh, excellent. Excellent.
Now, if there are no more questions-
I got another question.
If one part of the mob gets separated from another part of the mob...
shouldn't there be a place that we can get together?
Maybe a secret place the two mobs could reunite, and we'd be a big mob again.
- Stay with the mob. - Stay with the mob. All right.
- Right. - Hey! I got another question.
Doesn't this guy deserve a fair trial?
You- back of the mob.
"Back of the mob"? What? This is my spot! I came early!
Okay, out of the mob!
Ah, this mob blows.
Let's go.
- What are you doing out here? - Picking apples.
With a dart gun?
I made a terrible mistake...
and now I must correct it.
There's something else out here, isn't there?
It was the same experimental procedure as yours.
I don't understand what went wrong.
We have to catch it before it's too late.
Until then...
we are all in danger.
Right here is exactly why black people don't go camping.
I could just as easily have something crawl up my ass at home.
I have to eat.
You need to start carrying Power Bars with you, 'cause this is some bullshit.
Sorry, Miles.
I have to eat.
Oh, my God. You scared me.
You shouldn't be out here.
There's a crazy man-beast in the woods.
Damn.
Go. Go!
You're the only one that can stop it now.
On your left, on your left!
I love berries.
Are you done yet?
You're mine! Like that, huh?
Come on, baby. Mange!
What?
Come on. I got ya.
Reach for it.
Why did you save me?
Like I told you...
I'm not an animal.
Wish I could take that chance.
You.
That hunter was after my turkey vulture. I had to scare him off.
I guess we have the same doctor.
I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
So that's why you have six nipples.
The damn tree girl is the beast.
Two beasts kissing-
that's hot.
- Kill the beast! Kill him! - Kill him!
Take your dirty paws off her!
It's time to die, man-beast!
You can do it! Cut his freaking balls off!.
I'm not a beast!
- I'm not a beast! - Then who is the beast?
Kill the beast!
All right, all right!
It's me!
I was not expecting that. Were you?
I am the beast.
I ate the cow, and I mauled the hunter. So, do what you gotta do.
Well, I guess we can let it go this time.
- Yeah, it's no big deal. - What?
I'm won't be part of a mob to kill a black guy, I'll tell ya that.
Let's move it out, people. It's all over.
These pantyhose are killing me.
Come on. Come on, all of you.
"Let's let the black beast go free just 'cause he's black!
We can't kill the black man-beast. That would be racist. "
Way to go, buddy.
What is the matter with you people?
Come on, guys! Time for dinner!
I wonder who they're gonna take after.
I got a feeling they're probably gonna take after their dad.
Yeah? It could fall out.
Thank you dearly for this most prestigious award.
Winning this Nobel Prize...
truly validates a lifetime of hard work.
But I really owe it all to one special person.
And that person...
is my fiancee, Yolanda.
It's the Badger Milk girl.
I guess there really is someone for everybody...
even if you have to make 'em out of animal parts.
You think so?
What? What? I'm just looking.
That's a huge bitch!