Excuse me, sir?
She's not coming.
And l've made everything perfect.
White tea from China,
Scottish shortbread, Devonshire clotted cream,
and l just know she's not coming.
Sir?
A car, l believe, is approaching.
Daisy.
I've waited for this moment for so long.
l've never stopped loving you,
dreaming of you.
l know, Louis.
l know.
The Pep rally
has been relocated to the little gym...
But why did Fitzgerald
make Nick Carraway so dull?
What's the point of having such a boring narrator?
l think it was a bad choice.
Well, Carraway is like a camera.
He's fascinated by Gatsby,
so he wants to create a portrait of him.
Look, in a way, the book is kind
of a love letter to Gatsby.
- Love letter? - Sure.
- l guess. - Oh, l-- oh!
Excuse--
l have some business
to attend to in the teacher's lounge,
so we can talk about this again
next week before class.
Sure.
Finally some real tennis weather.
Good afternoon.
Oh!
A gentleman and his impulses
must live in constant negotiation.
Louis lves had been determined
to continue his day with dignity and purpose.
But that goal
now seemed far beyond his reach.
Oh!
lt was in Miss Jeffries' bag.
l'm sure you're aware Princeton North Prep
did not meet its funding goals this year.
As a resuIt, we're forced to make cutbacks.
l understand.
You have been an excellent teacher, however.
ln light of this, we have decided
we're wiIIing to recommend you
for positions elsewhere.
Thank you.
Actually, for some time now
l've considered moving to Manhattan.
It's aIways been my dream to make a living as a writer.
Perhaps now would be a good time
for a big change like that.
Yes, Louis. l think Manhattan
sounds like a very fitting place
for a young man... like yourself.
But after his crushing dismissal,
Louis lves had no courage for such boId moves.
For the brassiere incident had crippIed him.
He struggled to deny these strange urges...
...but in moments of weakness
they demanded attention.
And so he spent an entire summer
immersed in the solitary routines
of a young gentleman.
He wore these rituals like armor
to shield him from despair.
But in Louis lves' darkest moments,
he feared he was unlovable.
lt was the changing of leaves
that finaIIy brought a change in perspective.
For Fall,
with its brisk air and clarity of light,
rekindled the feeling of possibility.
H. Harrison.
- Hello. - Yes?
Yes, l'm calling about the room? My name is--
232 East 91st.
Apartment 2F.
2F. 2F, 2F, 2F.
- Are you the applicant? - Yes!
Yes, it's me.
Harrison, Henry.
- Henry Harrison. - Ives, Louis.
Louis lves.
Kitchen. Bath.
There's a missing door,
but these provide adequate privacy.
- Whoops. - As you see.
These would be your chambers.
lt's barracks-style living, to be sure.
You can certainly hear the pigeons.
Yes, l like to have access to nature, don't you?
If you need more drawer space,
have some empty file cabinets in the kitchen.
Okay.
So there are a few things l'd need to know about you,
if you haven't lost interest.
WouId you prefer to leave or continue?
Name?
Louis lves.
Those Christmas balls are very interesting.
l love them.
l love their colors,
the way they catch the light.
If you ever want to give me something,
you can give me Christmas balls.
- Okay. - So tell me...
Louis Ives, why are you moving to New York?
l'm sort of looking for myself.
You won't find yourself in New York.
lf l had to move anywhere, l'd move to Russia.
Far less expensive.
Well, l've been teaching now for several years,
so as far as the rent is concerned,
I've saved enough from working in Princeton--
Princeton?!
How is Princeton these days?
lt was great once, but then they let women in.
Oh, you mean the University.
lt's still excellent.
And there's no reason women shouIdn't go to coIIege.
l'm against the education of women.
lt dulls their senses
and affects their performance in the boudoir.
The women l like best are the Hasidic women.
They really get it.
What were you teaching?
English Literature.
We're colleagues then.
- l teach composition at Queens College. - Oh.
Primarily, l'm a playwright.
Really? Have l seen any of your work?
Sadly my great opus was stolen by a Swiss hunchback,
but that's all too tragic to go into now.
You know, Fitzgerald wrote with great love
about Princeton in "This Side Of Paradise."
Do you like Fitzgerald?
He's one of my favorite authors.
Of course l like Fitzgerald.
But there won't be anymore of his kind coming along soon.
You need an all-male environment
to shape up a young writer.
The Muslims might produce another FitzgeraId.
They're very good at separating the sexes.
On the subject of...
the sexes,
just out of curiosity,
what is your policy regarding guests?
As in... overnight guests?
- Uh... - No.
No, absolutely not.
No. No, this place is far too small.
There's to be no fornication!
No, l wouldn't even conceive
of having sex in here.
I'm retired from all that anyway.
l didn't mean to be rude, l was just--
This has gone on long enough.
We're obviously compatible. You're the onIy person
who's come for the room who speaks EngIish.
So what will it be, yes or no?
l would prefer to think about it.
- Be right back.
- HeIIo? - So have you thought about it?
Oh, hello.
Yes. Actually, l just was--
And?
Well...
l'm feeling...
that l should wait until l'm certain about a job.
No no. No no no no.
We should do this. We should settle now.
You can pay by the week until you have a job.
Plus there's much l can teach you about New York.
l can advance you socially.
All this will be very good for you.
That's certainly very considerate of you to think that way.
Very good, then. l'll see you
on the first of the month. I'm gIad this worked out.
The young gentleman was troubled
that the decision was made for him.
Yet, it had been some time
since he felt this wanted.
And as strange as it all seemed,
he was inexplicably drawn
to this Mr. Henry Harrison.
♪ Daylight turns to moonlight ♪
♪ And l'm at my best ♪
♪ Praising the way it all works ♪
♪ And gazing upon the rest, yeah ♪
♪ The cool before the warm, the caIm after the storm ♪
♪ The cooI before the warm, the calm after the storm ♪
♪ l wish to stay forever ♪
♪ Letting this be my food-- ♪
Tell me your name again.
Louis.
My name's Louis.
Don't worry, it will eventually sink in.
l'm glad to see you've moved in so nicely.
l apologize that Gershon couldn't help carry your things.
He's not speaking to me.
That's fine. Who's Gershon?
He's a friend who helps carry things.
And fix my car.
Speaking of which, l was admiring yours earlier. What make is that?
Oh, it's a Pontiac Grand Ville.
lt was my father's.
ln a weird way, it's sort of all l have left of him.
He died my freshman year of college.
My mother passed only a few years after.
Well...
l drive a Buick.
- Hmm. - What are you reading there?
Henry James.
He's unreadable.
His early work wasn't as bad.
He burned himself, you know?
He sat on a stove and shriveled his testicles.
That may account for his sudden change of style.
l didn't know that.
Yes. Well, you'd better get some rest.
l imagine you're still growing.
Yeah!
Ahhh. Ow.
Ahh!
Go! No! Go back!
- Back to your room. - No--
l don't like you lurking there in the shadows.
l'm sorry, Henry! l just didn't know what was happening.
l can't be seen when l'm dancing!
l forgot you were here.
Next time l exercise, l'll make sure that you're out.
But sometimes the need is too great!
- No problem. - One must keep in shape, you know?
l try to move whatever I think is rotting.
l tell you, Louis,
l'd like to hire you.
For now it's gonna be mostly be phone sales
to businesses and to museums.
But it does go without saying--
this being an environmental journal--
you are green?
You do Iive a pro-environmental lifestyle?
- Yes. Yes, of course. - Good.
l'm very environmental.
l'm always thinking
about how the world is faIIing apart.
And then l get depressed
and l think about--
well, if l think about myself
that's also depressing.
Good.
- Yeah? - Sorry to interrupt, George,
but l need you to look at these right away
so l can get them scanned.
Okay.
Oh, she's got nice feathers.
But l like her eyes. This is the one.
- Great. - l agree.
That's an excellent owl photo.
Mary, this is Louis.
Louis is going to be working here.
- Nice to meet you. - How do you do?
You didn't have to get up.
I Iook forward to working with you, Mary.
And with you, George.
- Thank you for taking me on. - You're welcome, Louis.
Let's get you filling out some start papers, huh?
Come on.
Cough it up.
Oh, hey.
Let me help you with that, Henry.
What service.
You'd make an excellent valet or squire.
Henry, maybe next time
we should try and recycle your wine bottles.
Why? RecycIing is the most insidious idea
of this generation. That and helping the homeless,
most of whom deserve the position.
What the government should reaIIy focus on is sex.
lf we could control that,
we could solve anything.
So you see sex
as the cause of all of society's problems?
AbsoIuteIy. You'II find l'm to the right of the Pope
on most of these issues.
Well, anyway,
if l may change the subject,
you look very nice. Are you going out somewhere?
Yes, l'm seeing
the billionairess Vivian Cudlip this evening.
She phoned me about an event only 10 minutes ago,
but the queen must be obeyed.
- Wow, a billionairess. - Mmm.
And to think a lowly fellow like me
was about to treat you to dinner.
l had a banner day. I even got a job.
Congratulations!
l knew you were a man who could pay the rent.
What type of position?
- lt's at a magazine. - Mmm.
An environmental journal.
l'm sure it's all just a front for pornography.
- Ah, this is my ride.
We must celebrate your getting a job.
Tomorrow evening.
l'll take you to the opera.
l know a wonderful little company.
My treat.
Thank you, Herbert. Good night.
- This way. - Excuse me.
Excuse me, l had my eye on that first.
The doorman was watching this pile for me.
Bloody hell, l forgot it was trash day.
Oh, well.
Are you sure about going to the opera tonight?
l hear it's astronomically expensive.
Don't-- don't be so middle-class.
The aristocracy never pays.
Here's my car.
- Maybe we should take a cab? - Why?
l go everywhere in my Electra.
l drive all around Manhattan
looking for "it."
I mean "it" in the Kerouac sense.
Why do you have Florida plates?
Because l live there part-time--
Palm Beach.
That's where the social life goes in the winter.
l can only afford one working door.
Just close it tightly behind you.
Henry, Henry, Henry!
- Please, be careful! - Ohh!
You don't even have any seat belts in this thing.
Don't be such a milquetoast. As Napoleon said,
- "lf rape is imminent..." - Henry!
- "...relax and enjoy it!" - Asshole!
AII right, here's how it's done.
The intermission is about to begin.
So when you see somebody coming out,
you simply say, "Oh, are you leaving so soon?
Well, if you are,
may I have your ticket and your re-entry stub?"
Now, you have to get the re-entry stub. That's very important.
Without it, the ticket is useless.
- Do you understand? - l think so.
Henry, Henry! l got two tickets!
Shh, shh. And the re-entry stubs?
Well, one stub, but l think--
Didn't I teII you it was crucial to get the re-entry stub?
Which part of that didn't you understand?
She onIy took one. Why are you yelling at me?!
- You didn't get anything. - That's irreIevant.
The point is without the re-entry stub
the ticket is useless.
- Show time, darling.
Oh dear. Well, we're going to have to try to sneak in.
All right.
Here's a program. That wiII heIp.
You go first, l'll be behind you.
I'II be seniIe, you'll be angry.
We'll bluff our way in. Go.
Where is-- where's my re-entry stub? l had it.
Did you take it? Did l hand it to you?
- No. - l must have handed it to you.
No, you didn't, father!
For heaven's sake, try to remember where you put things!
Did you check your pants?
- l'm wearing them! - Just go in.
Thank you. Terribly sorry about all that.
That's not bad.
With a bit of direction from me,
you couId Iand yourseIf a walk-on part somewhere.
Perhaps off Broadway.
She's Russian, you know.
Only Russia can still produce women like that.
So there we are.
Where are we?
Sorry?
I Iike to say that sometimes before retiring.
l'm about to put in my ear plugs.
Any final thoughts, questions?
Yes. Can we go to the opera again soon?
Why not? We can afford it.
Oh, Henry, one more thing.
l never got to ask you, how did your evening
with the billionairess go?
With Vivian? lt was fine.
Except she stopped breathing for a fuII minute.
But then she rallied. She always does.
How old is she?
She's 92.
- 92?! - Yes.
That's a little old for a girlfriend,
don't you think?
UnfortunateIy, she's not my girlfriend.
l'm just one of 20 sycophants, really.
For years now l've been her first choice,
but l could be on the outs at any minute.
Barry Barbarash wants desperately to see me omitted.
He's scheming to be permanently installed
as the resident rosen knight.
What's a "rosen knight"?
lt's a knight who brings roses.
A "Rosenkavalier." An escort.
Henry...
are you a gigolo?
Don't be disgusting.
l am an "extra man."
Although l would argue l'm so much more than "extra."
l'm essential.
Do these old ladies pay you?
Of course not, except in pleasure--
a fine meal,
vintage champagne...
an orchestra perhaps.
You see, women outlive men,
so there's always a need
for an extra man at the table.
It maintains a proper seating arrangement.
Boy-girl, boy-girl.
But don't think for a moment
that it's all champagne and stardust.
An extra man must be extremeIy vigiIant,
especially when dancing.
That's why escorts are often called walkers.
l, however, am no mere walker.
What l bring is the complete package--
wit, intelligence,
an uncommon joie de vivre.
l wish l had joie de vivre.
Then l could be your assistant.
You're very young.
But Vivian does have a rather attractive niece.
- She might like you. - That would be incredible.
Are we having a conversation?
Yes, l'd say so.
Well, it has to stop.
We shouId know as IittIe about each other as possible.
Good relationships have this foundation.
Now good night.
Good night, Henry.
Hi, Mary.
Oh, hi.
l see you're eating in today too.
Yeah, l'm really behind.
- What did you get? - Zen Palate.
Ah, are you a vegetarian?
- Vegan. - Ah.
l'm really active in animal rights.
Oh, l wish l could be vegan,
but l really like eggs.
Although l do try to order only free-range chicken.
- So l went to the opera last night.
- That's cooI. - lt was amazing, actually.
l'm pretty opera illiterate, sorry to say.
WeII, maybe I couId take you some time.
l know how to get in for free.
Or we could just go for a drink somewhere one night.
Maybe even this weekend?
Thanks, Louis,
but I'm going out of town this weekend.
- Oh. - We're protesting the building
of a cement plant on the Hudson.
ActuaIIy, this guy l started seeing is taking me.
Maybe you and l could grab Iunch out together one day.
- Okay? - Sure.
Thank you.
Eww.
l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
Sorry. l'm sorry.
- Sorry. Sorry.
Two competing fantasies
co-existed within Louis lves.
A sort of bipolar condition
that wasn't mood-related
but sex-related.
On the one hand,
he Ionged to be a young gentleman,
one who wears ties and enjoys the opera.
But sometimes he yearned to Iook in the mirror
and see a pretty girl.
One filled with adoration and love,
smiling back at him.
For some reason,
he beIieved the woman in the ad
might heIp him with his confusion.
Oh... hello.
Hello.
Um, it's okay.
If I'm too oId, you can just turn around and go.
No, no. You're fine, Ma'am.
More than fine, l mean.
All right.
Well, come on in then.
So l'm Katherine,
but you can call me Miss Hart.
What was your name again, sweetheart?
George.
All right, then we will call you Georgina,
unless you're not interested in the crossdressing part.
No, l am. That's really why l called.
Have you dressed up a lot?
No, hardly at all.
lt's weird. l don't really have
anyone l can talk to about...
this urge.
- Well, you can talk to me.
All right? That's why you're here.
You tell Miss Hart everything.
Here, have a seat.
Okay.
Well, l think it all started
when l was a little boy.
l saw this cartoon
where a duck wearing a tuxedo
was transformed into a beautiful girl.
Seeing that stirred something in me.
Soon after, l discovered a book.
I worried I might be Iike the people described in it.
Over the years, l've had very few lovers--
And you're lonely.
And you desire the company of a woman.
And you know what,
that's as good a reason as any to start crossdressing.
So let's get you into some lingerie, sweetheart.
You look very nice.
Okay.
So the first thing we have to do
is teach you to be feminine.
First, you're gonna learn how to sit.
Go ahead.
No no no no. Okay.
See how your foot is pointed up Iike that,
all tense and full of aggression?
A man's foot does that
because they're always trying to get somewhere.
Try relaxing your foot down.
Relax. Good.
That indicates that you're open to a man's advances.
- That's not what l'm after. - Don't interrupt, Georgina,
it's rude!
Maybe it's time for your spanking.
- We don't have to do that. - Yeah, we do. Get up!
- Put yourself across my knee. - Okay.
- You bad boy! Talking back! - Whoa! Ow!
Ow ow ow!
Miss Hart, can we stop?
Why?!
Would you--
would you mind if l just kissed you?
You don't have to ask, sugar.
You're paying.
Ow.
You're later than usual.
What?! Yes. l went out for drinks.
Actually, l'm sort of seeing this girl from work.
Oh, that sounds like a lie.
But that's good.
That shows that you're growing up.
By the way, have you seen my eye mask?
lt's disappeared mysteriously.
- No. - l certainly hope it turns up.
l can't sleep without it.
By the way, l got the mail on my way up.
Ohh...
Oh, speaking of which, l forgot to mention this--
never answer the door. It couId be the IRS.
Okay. Who's Otto Bellman?
Who, BeIIman? He was your predecessor.
Oh. How long did he live here?
Two years. lt was a great mistake.
At first it wasn't awful.
He looked like Sophia Loren in profile.
Of course... he had a hunchback.
You're putting the mail in the freezer?
OnIy his Ietters. l can't afford to lose them.
He's aIready heII-bent on revenge against me.
Why?
- Because l kicked him out. - Really?
For being a sexual deviant.
Oh.
He had one of those bondage magazines.
He's Swiss-- they like all that S&M,
you know?
Can you believe he's actually living
with Vivian Cudlip's granddaughter?
And what is worse,
he stole the only copy of my greatest pIay.
"Henry and Mary Are Always Late."
The degenerate is probably gonna have it produced
illegally in Zurich
and make himself a grand fortune.
l think you're being unreasonable.
You're the one always citing these great authors.
Most of them had all kinds of unusuaI kinks.
That's irreIevant. One should only have sex when married.
Have you ever been married?
No.
Are you saying you've never had sex?
You'll get nothing out of me.
And try thinking about more important things.
Think about defrosting that icebox in there
to make room for more mail.
That's what I do. l don't go around needing sex.
l don't need any love.
You're being dishonest. Everybody needs something.
All l need is pleasure.
Okay, so what gives you pleasure?
l'd like to go back to Anapa.
lt's a small town
on the Black Sea in Russia.
Vivian and I went there years ago on our world tour.
A bottle of champagne only cost $4.
ln my mind's eye,
that's where l think I'd be happiest.
Louis lves rose the next morning,
motivated to finally start writing.
♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪
♪ Wake unto me... ♪
But as the day progressed,
the oddness of life
once again distracted him.
♪ Sounds of the rude world ♪
♪ Heard in the day ♪
♪ Lulled by the moonlight ♪
♪ Have all passed away. ♪
Henry, do you know that man?
That's Gershon Gruen.
Oh, your friend who carries things?
Yes, and fixes my car.
It's obvious he's still not speaking to me.
He's always on that bike.
Yes, he's cycling away his sex drive.
Gershon was a slave to his libido.
He used to bring prostitutes from the Bronx
into his apartment,
and they would steal things.
He couldn't stop, so he turned to me for help.
l told him to develop other interests,
like reading the dictionary to improve his vocabulary
and bicycle riding,
which so far has worked wonders.
Of course, he's still an obsessive masturbator.
lf your advice worked,
then why isn't he speaking to you?
He cIaims that I don't really want his friendship,
that l am only using him for his mechanic skills.
Also, l think he was jealous of my relationship
with your predecessor Otto BeIIman.
You have a strange power over peopIe, Henry.
lt's my constant disapproval.
Some find it fatherly.
No! Enough!
l think it's silly you made us sit
at separate tables like this.
Men of any worth sit across from women.
lf you ever want to be an extra man,
you have much to Iearn about boy-girl propriety.
Which reminds me, what are you doing tomorrow evening?
Nothing. Why?
I have two Iady friends who need escorting to an event.
Vivian Cudlip and her niece?
No, but almost as important.
Would this officially make me an extra man?
Extra, yes. But nowhere near essential.
Henry, what are you doing?
l forgot to buy socks.
Mine are all threadbare.
Don't worry, no one will notice.
Who knows, maybe it'll help kill the fleas.
Fleas?
Yes. Fleas.
My dermatologist confirmed l have them.
Now listen carefully--
one of the women
we're escorting this evening, Lois Huber,
has given me a room in her Palm Beach home
for the last four seasons.
- Okay. - Unfortunately,
l said something that offended her,
and we had a falling out.
What did you say that offended her?
l told her that her ass is big,
that she's a saddIe-back and possibly a moral imbecile.
Henry, that seems like a Iot to recover from.
That's where l'm counting on you.
l'm hoping that your youth will have a positive effect on her.
The other woman, Meredith Lagerfeld,
has nothing to offer socially. She's dirt poor.
ln fact, we often work in unison at events.
She's the one who aIerted me that Lois may be ready to forgive me.
- That was nice of her. - Not reaIIy.
Lagerfeld uses me for rides.
She's gotten quite enormous, you see,
and has trouble getting around town.
Speak of the devil.
My God, look at her.
She does have nice hair.
I suppose we all have something,
even Lagerfeld.
Henry, focus.
The George Gillies have just arrived.
She's hosting quite a large party on Thursday.
l think we should try to speak to her.
They're friends of Vivian Cudlip's.
Mention the name Vivian Cudlip and we'II be in.
Meanwhile, where the hell is Lois?
Oh, Lois, for heaven's sake. She's over by the KIimt.
Hmm. Excuse us. Louis.
Oh, terribly sorry.
- There's a dwarf in that picture. - It's a chiId, Henry.
Yes, quite right.
Speaking of chiIdren, l'd like to introduce you
to my young house guest Louis lves.
Louis has recently come to New York to find himself.
Lois, Louis, Louis, Lois.
Rolls off the tongue rather niceIy, doesn't it?
l need some more wine.
l rea--
l really like these paintings.
l don't.
lt's ridiculous how nobody really looks at them.
l was admiring your outfit before.
lt's very interesting.
And a good color for you too.
And how old are you, Louis?
Old enough.
Tell me, are you by chance from Russia?
Me?
God, no. l'm as American as they come.
Not to me.
What exactly do you do with magazines, Louis?
l work on the marketing side of things,
but l'd like to be an editor
or writer someday.
Ah. Henry's an excellent writer.
A talented playwright.
But he can be a very rude man, you know.
- Ah. - Hello, Lois.
With the exception of that Russian bartendress,
l've never experienced a more dreary crowd.
Stop complaining, Henry. It's tiresome.
Well, there is another opening at the Whitney,
but it's not until 9:00.
Then l'll need dinner first.
We'll eat at my place. Meredith will ride over with me,
Henry and Louis can go pick up the food.
- Come, dear. - That's awfully nice, Lois.
Things with Lois are worse than l had imagined.
Your youth has failed us
and l'm off my game.
I haven't been sIeeping right since my eye mask disappeared.
We'II have no choice but to implement plan B over dinner.
Next.
There's no bathroom in here and I have to piss.
If I'm not back in time, get two roasted chickens.
Lois has millions of dollars,
but there's nothing she likes better than roasted chicken.
As the young gentleman stood there on line,
he couIdn't heIp but pIay the first half of the evening
over and over in his mind.
ln doing so,
something became very clear
about the nature of his relationship
with Mr. Henry Harrison, who--
- l'm back. - Oh.
Did you pee already?
- Yes. - Where?
Out there.
Out in the street?
- Yes. - No, you didn't.
Yes, l did, Louis.
A true aristocrat knows that he can piss in the street
at any time he wishes day or night.
Next.
Henry, l want to see where you peed.
Don't be ridiculous.
Right there, between the cars.
How did you do it without being seen?
You could have been arrested.
lt's an acquired art.
Look, l'll show you.
Now watch, and do as l do.
Ready?
Step off the curb as if you're going to waIk across the street.
Then you stop abruptly, thinking twice about crossing in traffic.
MeanwhiIe, you've undone your zipper,
you've freed yourself
and then, keeping a wide arc with the raincoat,
you step backwards, you see?
This way, no one can see you're pissing,
and the walking backwards part
keeps you from pissing on your Iegs,
not to mention stepping in it.
Oh, l just did a bit more.
So now do you understand?
l think l actually do. Yeah.
Thank you for teaching me that.
You're weIcome. And keep the change.
Don't mention it.
- Good evening. - Henry Harrison for Mrs. Hueber.
Of course.
Wow.
Whatever you do,
don't mention the fleas to Lois.
If she catches them, she'll know they're from me.
Then l'll never get that room.
Ma'am, Mr. Harrison.
Wait. Wait.
Lois has a dog.
If I can transfer my fleas to her dog,
we'll be saved.
Going up?
- Lovie!
Oh, what a good girl. Oh, l've missed you!
Look at you with your little--
what the hell is that on you?
Looks like an Elizabethan collar.
Henry, put the dog down
and bring me those roasted chickens.
Right away. Right away.
Put it down, Henry!
l'm coming.
Oh.
Hello, Meredith.
Um...
Wow.
What an amazing view.
You can see everything from here.
- I know. - l grew up in this neighborhood.
Did you really?
We were the most popular family.
WeII, we were aIways doing the funnest things.
We never had a dull moment.
I thought all families were like that.
l thought life would be like that.
- Here we are. - l don't like the dark meat
touching the light.
Of course not.
Did l mention, Lois,
that l'll be having a staged reading
of my George EIiot pIay this winter in Palm Beach?
Vivian Cudlip has secured a ballroom for me in the Colony.
Really, Henry?
You're planning to be in Palm Beach this winter?
Well, of course.
And I was thinking that you would be perfect
for the George Eliot role. What do you say?
lf you're angling to stay in my guest room, Henry,
l can't have you this season.
l've invited Meredith.
l think the sun'll be very good for her bad knee, don't you?
- LagerfeId? - That's correct.
Meredith.
This roasted chicken is delicious.
Henry, l was wondering if you're free tomorrow.
I found an inexpensive sports doctor
for my knee in Brooklyn.
I was wondering if you might drive me to my appointment?
Find someone eIse. l'm teaching tomorrow.
I don't think I can make it to the Whitney later either.
Every exhibit is the same--
toilet seats and sex organs.
l'm no longer in the mood for that sort of thing.
Louis, we're leaving.
Now!
l'm sorry things didn't work out tonight.
Right.
Thank you for taking me. l had a very nice time at the Gallery.
The whole damned evening
was engineered by Lagerfeld
to get me to drive her and her fat knees to Brooklyn.
Of course she's not going to ask Lois.
She wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that room,
now that she's got her grubby little paws on it.
Don't dwell on it, Henry.
Lets try to focus
on something positive Iike you teII me.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, l suppose you're right.
Yes.
That roasted chicken was good.
l'll try to focus on that.
Now what in God's name is happening?
Let's look under the hood! Out!
No no no no no no no no.
Not my car!
No no. Not my Electra.
lf l lose that, l lose everything.
Let's just leave it here tonight.
We'll come back in the morning,
get it towed and repaired.
Really? With what money?
We'll figure something out.
Let's just get a taxi home.
No.
No, you go. l can't now.
I need to waIk this whole evening off.
Oh, come on, Henry.
You shouIdn't do such a long walk alone.
What do l look like?! A feebIe oId man?
You've been in Manhattan for 10 minutes,
you're going to tell me what to do?
I toId you I want to walk home alone.
- l was just-- - I--
Just go! l don't need you.
No dancing today, huh, Henry?
Hmm.
Louis?
I'm sorry, were you reading something?
l didn't mean to interrupt you.
No. No. No, l was just--
no, l wasn't reading anything.
l realize we never went out and had that Iunch.
Are you by chance available today?
Did I mention a few of us from work
are going to see "l Am Cuba" at the Cinema Village tonight?
You should come.
Really?
That would be wonderful. Thank you.
l find you funny, Louis.
ln what way?
l mean, you're interesting.
Sometimes you remind me of a guy from another time period--
like the '20s.
lt's funny you should say that.
l love that era--
the literature from that era.
l never told anyone this,
but sometimes, in my head,
l actually imagine
there's somebody narrating my life,
as if l'm the protagonist in a classic novel.
Okay.
The young gentleman
immediately regretted this confession.
He struggIed to quickly change the subject.
So l never asked you,
how did the whole upstate thing go?
Amazing.
You should come to the next one.
And bring someone of course. Do you Iive aIone?
No, l have a roommate, but he's much older.
Old, actually.
l just rent a room in his apartment.
To be honest, it's not going so well.
He gets irrationally mad at me.
Maybe he's in love with you.
No. No.
I wouId never want to think of him like that.
There was one time it crossed my mind but--
Why? What did he do that made you wonder?
Well,
it's kind of strange,
but we were drinking wine
and l was lying on the floor
trying to work up the energy to go to bed,
and something very odd happened.
That's it?
l guess it was nothing.
l don't know why l just told you that.
l'm sorry.
Louis, there's something l wanted to ask you.
Sure.
Well, you know that guy I started seeing?
He's going to Jamaica on Thursday,
and he invited me to come with him.
l really really wanna go.
l've never been out of the country before,
and l'm so into Bob Marley.
But George is giving me a hard time at work
with aII the photo clearances piling up,
so I convinced him that you could cover for me
whiIe I was away. lt's just for a couple days.
Sure. Whatever you need.
You are the best. l owe you a major favor!
Ow ow ow.
Ow. Oh, hello!
- How are you? - l'm all right.
You certainly seem better.
Yes, my funk has lifted,
although l couldn't tell you why.
l got a call from the gas station.
They said just to get my car to run
will cost a small fortune.
l did, however, hear
about a very promising room in Palm Beach.
- Good for you. - Which reminds me--
l have a proposal
which might save you money.
What if you were to let me borrow your car
to keep with me in Florida,
just for two months—
in exchange for
my paying your auto insurance
during that time.
So that's your motivation for speaking to me again?
Well-- partially, yes.
It's an idea I thought would benefit us both.
Why don't you follow through on your offer
to introduce me to Vivian Cudlip's niece?
That would be of a lot more use to me right now than insurance money.
No, l can't. lt wouldn't be right.
Why?
ls something so wrong with me?
Uh, it's--
l can't lend you my car.
lt has special meaning. My father left it to me.
l didn't mean to upset you.
Let's just sweep
the whole suggestion under the carpet.
Hmm?
Excuse me.
H. Harrison.
Why, Gershon, what a surprise.
My car?
Yes, it did.
You will?
Uh, l-- l'll be right down.
♪ Antiques ♪
♪ Every other sentiment an antique ♪
♪ As obsolete as warships in the Baltic ♪
♪ When l'm driving ♪
- ♪ l'm on a straight road, it never alters... ♪ - Hello.
♪ And the radio serenades but doesn't faIter... ♪
- Come on! - Come back here!
♪ You offer infrared instead of sun ♪
♪ You offer paper spoons and bubble gum ♪
Ma--
♪ ...4:00 in the morning ♪
Mary! Mary!
Louis?
What are you doing here?
l'm sorry l couldn't make the movie.
But l was in the neighborhood,
and thought you might need a ride home.
Oh. Well,
l'm pretty religious about public transportation.
You don't actuaIIy drive this thing around the city, do you?
No no. Of course not.
l was helping out my friend Lagerfeld.
She's quite enormous, and has trouble getting around.
Oh.
That's really nice of you.
WeII, since you're already out and about.
Buckle up.
Now l owe you two favors. l'm not sure l can handle all this.
No, you don't owe me anything.
Oh, go straight. Go straight.
This is Brad's block. l'm staying there tonight.
Oh.
What's that?
"Sally's. New York's Hottest Tranny Bar"?
People are always leaving stupid stuff in my car.
- Just throw it out. - Hey hey, littering?
- A Iion! - Oh my God!
- Oh my God. - l'm sorry.
l seriously just had a heart attack.
l'm just having
the worst day ever, Mary.
Let's go see what that was.
- Shit. - Go go go.
Oh, God. Did l kill it?
Somebody's idea of a joke.
He is kind of cute, though.
- He is. - You know what, Louis?
l think l'm just...
going to walk the rest of the way from here.
- Oh, sure. - Bye, you two!
Okay okay okay.
Oh God.
We'll speak in the morning, Gershon.
Get some rest. You're looking more haggard than usuaI.
Oh God!
You shouId reaIIy stop lurking about in the shadows,
it's becoming a serious character flaw.
l just got in. Excuse me.
What a disastrous evening.
My God, Gershon served
boiled tongue for dinner.
And then later we taxied over to take a Iook at my car,
and Gershon confirmed that it's completely beyond repair.
However, l did remember that the last time
l was out at Vivian's place in Southampton
l happened to notice a beautiful vehicle for sale
out by the bay, where the riff raff stay.
Gershon and l were thinking of going up this weekend--
have a look, see if it's still there.
Want to come along?
I take it you're just looking for a ride?
Yes,
but why focus on it that way?
Think of yourself!
It's supposed to be an unseasonably beautiful weekend,
courtesy of global warming.
And I think you'd enjoy meeting Gershon.
He's-- well, different.
Where's Gershon?
Gershon is pathologically late.
Why don't you go in and urge him on?
l don't even know him.
You really should see his apartment.
lt's quite interesting.
Okay.
l'll just take it for a little spin.
Joking.
Oh, look.
Décapotable.
Gershon?
Hello?
Oh! Hello, l'm Louis--
Henry's roommate.
We were waiting in the car
and Henry wanted me to--
Please accept my apologies.
l was just putting my shoes on.
No, of course.
Wow, look at this.
You have so many interesting things.
Yes, l collect souvenirs.
Must have been everywhere.
No. I actuaIIy have never been anywhere.
Too busy working.
What kind of work do you do, Gershon?
l'm a subway mechanic.
- Sorry. - Anyway...
l do love my job.,
but it's always been my dream to buy a sailboat
and sail off with a beautiful woman
to the Mediterranean.
We'd travel straight to the Blue Grotto,
where tiny rowboats wait.
Then we'd paddle out into the warm wet cave,
and kiss and sing
and harmonize with our own echoes.
l still believe it's possible.
The boat and the woman.
What's that song? That's a good one.
From an Operetta l saw when l was living in Paris--
"Pas Sur La Bouche." "Not on the mouth."
It's about a man who doesn't like
to be kissed on the mouth. That's the whole plot.
- No, that's insane! - Why? l happen to agree.
Rubbing noses is far more sanitary.
How did you afford to live abroad, Henry?
l had an inheritance.
Both my parents were dead by the time I was 22.
So l moved to Europe for 10 years,
spent every last cent.
Did both your parents die at the same time?
My father died when l was two.
ActuaIIy I was raised by my bohemian aunt.
Why not your mother?
My mother was afraid of me. My aunt understood me.
She taught literature at Johns Hopkins.
She was always taking ships to Europe
and having love affairs.
Quite beautiful, but she never married.
Fascinating woman.
Sounds like you really loved her.
This is starting to sound like an interview.
Are you planning to write the unauthorized biography
of an obscure playwright whose masterpiece was stoIen by a hunchback?
ls it so wrong to be interested in you?
Yes! l'm not interested in you.
From now on l intend to give you
the most misleading image possible.
You may write my biography,
but you will never capture my soul.
Thank God we've finally landed.
Between Manhattan and the East End,
there's nothing but cemeteries and strip clubs.
Did you know that topless bars
do their best business on Mother's Day?
lt's the udders.
That's the day men most need to see them.
That actually makes lots of sense.
This certainly is a beautiful inlet.
Maybe it's a cove.
l believe the appropriate word is actuaIIy "bight."
B-i-g-h-t,
There's all kinds of wonderful words in the Bs actually.
My personal favorite is "bisextiIe,"
which means nothing like it sounds.
Believe it or not it means,
"Of or pertaining to leap year."
So next February 29th,
we should all remember
to wish each other a Happy Bisextile Day!
Thank God it's still here.
Look at her. Oh, yes.
- A thing of beauty. - The 1975 Cadillac V-8 El Dorado.
- Excellent. - 400 horsepower,
- 500 pound-feet of torque... - Mm-hmm.
...and single digit gas mileage.
That's terrible for the environment.
Oh, and l suppose yours is better?
lt seems the owners have Ieft for the season.
We should call and arrange a test drive, Henry.
We've come aII this way, we might as well have a peek under the hood.
CIimb in there and try and open her up.
lt's open.
New tires. That's good.
Okay. Henry, l can't--
Let Gershon do it. He's the mechanically inclined one.
l don't see one.
Maybe this is a secret hood release.
- Oh, no! - No!
Scheisse.
Better vamoose before the polizei arrive.
- Henry. - Who's that?
At least l have a piece of a new car.
Tomorrow l'll call and inquire
as to the price of the rest of it.
Henry, you can't.
That's Iike returning to the scene of a crime.
- Are you insane? - They'd never suspect me.
Who'd be stupid enough
to deface a car and then inquire about its price?
You know, Gershon,
this young man is very well read,
but he knows nothing about reaI Iife.
Yes, l'm starting to think that.
Yes, he's such a sad, old soul too.
You know that he's never even learned how to dance?
That's more than sad. That's tragic.
Well, if Henry would let me watch him once in a whiIe,
l might pick up a step or two.
My steps cannot be learned.
They're entireIy intuitive, based on jungle rhythms.
Try me.
Very weII.
Gershon, you've got a beautiful singing voice.
We hear you in the shower all the time, going on and on.
Why don't you sing us something that's danceable?
What genre do you prefer?
Um... l don't know.
Let's start with a waltz.
- Yeah.
Over here. We need space.
- Now observe and imitate. - ♪ Somewhere my love... ♪
- Oh, yes. - ♪ There will be songs to sing... ♪
So once he's singing, he has a human voice.
Now shoulders so. Chest out.
Aristocratic. Watch closely. Do as l do.
- One, two, three, one, two, three. - ♪ Somewhere a hill... ♪
- That's right. Yes. Float! - ♪ Blossoms in green and gold ♪
- ♪ And there are dreams... ♪ - Don't bend your knees too much.
lt's not a peasant dance. You're an aristocrat!
You're above the world.
- ♪ Someday... ♪ - You're floating.
- ♪ We'll meet again... ♪ - One and turn, and turn.
- ♪ My Iove... ♪ - Whirl-- the Dervishes!
- ♪ Someday... ♪ - lt's transcendent.
♪ Whenever the spring breaks through. ♪
That's it. Yes! Ohh! Oh, oh!
Henry! Henry, are you okay?
- Are you okay? - My sciatica!
What do we do?!
What do you do? Get me off this Godforsaken beach.
l need alcohol and civilization.
- Okay. Okay. - Oh, God.
- Oh, God. Oh, God. - How do we do this?
Don't forget my hat!
Vivian Cudlip bought that for me in Moscow!
Put him on the floor.
l know how to fix him. l did it two years ago.
No, you didn't. You made it worse.
Don't be difficult, Henry.
l'm the one who got you walking again and you know it.
lt's a conspiracy, isn't it?
Otto Bellman hired you, didn't he?
- To assassinate me. - KneeI down.
Tell him he can keep my damn play!
On your stomach. All right.
Shh. Now...
I'm going to begin by applying sharp pressure...
to the areas just above both buttocks.
What? Not with your hands you're not!
l don't want your germs. Use some other technique.
Fine.
Here, l'll use this.
Oh, l don't know about that, Gershon. It doesn't Iook--
- I'II make it work. - What? What are you--
Hold still.
Are you insane?! God!
You're trying to kill me!
How in God's name is that supposed to help?!
- Hey, here's some brandy. - l know.
I need to go get my acupressure book.
And l have a very large vibrator downstairs.
- Mmm. - l'll be right back.
Oh, God.
Louis, l think l see my-- my eye mask.
lt's my eye mask, isn't it?
Oh my... God.
Ohh!
Mmm! Oh.
Let me get you a pillow.
Louis. Louis.
For God's sake, do not--
do not Iet... Gershon in with his vibrator.
You can imagine where that thing's been.
All l need is sleep.
l need to put on my eye mask.
Don't worry. l'll handle Gershon.
lf, by chance, l die in my sleep,
l want you to make sure
that the funeral mass is in Latin.
And give all my worldly goods to CathoIic charities,
except for the Christmas balls. Those go to you.
You're not going to die. Just get some sleep, okay?
Yes, sleep.
You know, Louis,
in spite of your quirks,
I think you're the sanest person l know.
l'm very lucky to have you here.
- l've got the vibrator!
- I got it.
l got it.
H. Harrison's residence.
Oh. Yes.
Just one minute, please.
lt's Vivian Cudlip's secretary.
H. Harrison.
l'm sorry?
Oh. Oh, Vivian, how are you, dear?
Yes. Oh, that sounds lovely.
Yes, l look forward to it.
Oh, God, God, God, God.
ls something wrong?
Vivian's hosting a dinner party tonight at the Russian Tea Room.
She wants me to escort her.
And look at me, lying here like a useless old man.
Maybe you should just call her back
and tell her the truth. l'm sure she'd understand.
At her age she must have health problems.
Vivian has had every cancer there is-- twice.
Not to mention a hole in her heart.
But that hasn't stopped her ever from going out.
lf l let Vivian contact any of the other rosen knights,
l'll be banished.
But, Henry, there's no way you can go.
No. No.
But you can.
Me?
Hello. l'm here for Mrs. Cudlip.
Come in.
Wait here.
Come in.
You're Louis. Henry's young friend.
Yes.
lt's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Cudlip.
l've heard nothing but wonderful things.
Well, if Henry said them, don't beIieve a word.
Lately that man is not to be trusted.
He introduced my granddaughter
to a deformed Swiss con man,
and l'm not happy about it.
- That's shocking. - He can be a dear friend, Henry,
but he's annoyingly intent at being something more.
He's aIways dropping hints about marrying me, you know.
No, l didn't.
And my other friend, Aresh, is the same way.
You'll meet him at dinner.
- This rose is for you. - Very thoughtfuI.
The car's waiting.
- May l help you? - Let's go.
Get this for you.
So what do you think of the Russian Tea Room, Louis?
This caviar is wonderful. The champagne as weII.
Yes. l want more.
Right away, Mrs. Cudlip. Anything you need, just ask.
A toast to Vivian.
- Oh, yes. - The most beautiful,
the most sophisticated, the most cultured...
- Waiter, l need a straw. - ...the most prominent...
- Of course. - ...and the most popular
grand dame in all of New York!
AIso, you have received a phone message, Mrs. Cudlip.
Oh, thank you.
lt's nice to see you again, Meredith.
Oh.
Oh, that's right. Yes.
Yes, hello.
I'm sorry we couIdn't accompany you and Lois
to the Whitney that night.
Henry was a bit out of sorts.
You mean rude.
But you know, l don't care.
Henry is horrible to all women.
Oh, l don't think that's true.
He had his heart broken years ago
when he was young and handsome
and still had money,
and he takes it out on women ever since.
You know, he was in love with a CathoIic girI.
Her family wouldn't accept him.
Henry's Protestant,
and he pretends ever since to be Catholic
because he thinks it has some sort of moral snob appeal.
Spencer Mooney told me he suspects
that Henry is homosexual.
People say that too.
And he was in the theater.
Theater types need to be a little homosexual
so they can feel things more deepIy.
But Henry is the opposite-- he has no feelings.
- l don't think so. - Oh, I think so.
l give up.
Louis,
could you read this name here for me, pIease?
Of course.
"Barry Barbarash."
Oh, l'm not going to answer that.
lf he hears l'm with other men,
he just gets wildly jealous.
Yes, Vivian, l wouldn't encourage him.
He is charming
and has very wonderful long legs,
but he spies on you, Vivian, in Palm Beach.
Yes. He has binoculars
and he looks at you
when you undress in your room at the Colony.
Don't get started, Aresh.
- Just look at your menu... - Yes.
...and pick out an entree please.
How about Barbarash's head on a plate?
You see? You're no better than any of them.
You're just as jealous.
Wouldn't you agree with me, Louis?
Well, wanting someone's head on a plate
with flaming cognac
does sound a little jealous to me.
What "flaming cognac"?
"Flaming cognac"!
- Louis, l like you.
l like you so much.
l didn't mean to offend him.
Did l really hurt his feelings?
Oh yes, I think so. Aresh offends easily.
l'm terribly sorry.
Please excuse me.
Henry's protégé.
Aresh.
She doesn't know how much she hurt me.
l've lost my country. Everything.
She could so easily help me,
but she doesn't even consider it.
l am through with her.
l am through with Vivian Cudlip.
Louis?
Oh my God, it is you!
Brad, this is the guy from "Terra" l was telling you about.
- The one that covered for me. - Hey, man.
- Thanks a million, really. - Sure. Sure.
We just got out of "The Women Of World Music" show at Carnegie Hall.
- What are you doing up here? - Oh, you know,
just having dinner with some friends.
Here?
- Yes. - Oh my God, that's perfect.
Louis!
Don't you dare let Aresh's nonsense
l never loved that lranian and l never will,
so get back in there.
l have to go. l'll see you at the office.
- Come in. - Champagne.
Upstairs to the left.
Okay. l'll carry you.
Good night, Vivian.
Thank you for a spectacular evening.
No,
thank you, dear boy.
Tonight,
you were nothing short
of a perfect gentleman.
- Ah, here we are.
Henry, you're walking.
Yes, a miracle.
Gershon's magic vibrator got me up and running again,
at least temporarily.
How was your evening?
lt was wonderful.
Vivian and l got along beautifully.
You weren't supposed to do that well.
l sent you there to keep my rivals at bay, not to become one of them.
Actually, l feel sorry for Vivian.
Everybody seems to want something from her,
and yet she's still so sweet.
Sweet? Vivian? She's a monster.
You should see the way she treats her staff.
lt's like something out of "Peter The Great."
Oh.
- Well, maybe she's a sweet monster. - Why are you packing?
- l'm going to Florida. - Huh?
Yes.
Sun, vermouth
and codeine is my only hope for a cure.
When are you leaving?
Tonight, on the midnight bus.
So there we are. Where are we?
l'm going to miss you, Henry.
Don't be ridiculous.
But l am.
Can l at least help you with your bag?
They make them with wheels now. l'll manage.
So try not to burn down the apartment,
and no guests.
You know the ruIes. l'll see you in the spring!
♪ Sunday morning ♪
♪ Brings the dawn in ♪
♪ lt's just a restless feeling ♪
♪ By my side ♪
♪ Early dawning ♪
♪ Sunday morning ♪
♪ lt's just the wasted years so close behind ♪
♪ Watch out ♪
♪ The world's behind you ♪
♪ There's always someone around you ♪
♪ Who will call ♪
♪ lt's nothing at all ♪
♪ Watch out, the world's behind you ♪
♪ There's always someone around you ♪
♪ Who will call ♪
♪ lt's nothing at all ♪
♪ Sunday morning ♪
♪ Sunday morning. ♪
Hen-- Henry?
l'm Otto Bellman.
l lived here once with Henry.
He's in Palm Beach, yes?
Oh. Yes, he is.
l would like my mail.
Okay. Please, come in.
And excuse my appearance.
l don't forget this place.
lt is most filthy home l ever lived in.
Why is it so cold?
Henry kept it in the freezer.
Oh, Henry.
Henry is very original, don't you think?
Christmas balls, very original.
Dancing, very original.
Sneaking into the opera, very originaI.
He and l went six times together.
- That many? - What is your name?
Oh, l'm sorry. Louis.
Louis?
- Ah, Louis lves. - Yes.
You are on Vivian's list to attend my wedding.
I wiII marry her granddaughter, you know.
I've heard. Congratulations.
l'm flattered to hear I made Vivian's Iist.
l would like Henry to attend.
He is still mad at me though.
He accuses me of stealing his play.
Anyway,
I wiII track him down myself in Palm Beach
and convince him.
So the wedding will be soon?
Yes.
Thank you for mail.
l go see Gershon now.
Brad is always complaining
about the old ratty t-shirts l sleep in.
Oh no.
- Oh my God. - The sales girl said it would look great.
Oh yeah!
- Yeah. - He's gonna--
Shit, Louis!
- How embarrassing. - Don't worry.
l have the same one.
Mary, couId I taIk to you for a second
- before you leave? - Sure.
l'll wait for you in the haIIway.
So remember at lunch
how you said you owe me a big favor?
- Mm-hmm. - Well,
as it turns out
l have been invited to a society wedding.
l'd like to bring a date,
but l don't really know anyone my age in town,
so l was wondering
if maybe you'd accompany me.
Um...
I'm pretty serious with Brad right now,
- so this is-- - l didn't mean it that way.
I understand you're in a relationship.
l just thought maybe
we could go as friends.
ln fact, l'm supposed to get introduced
to a young woman there.
The niece of the bride's grandmother.
l really just--
l don't think this is the best idea.
Please don't be mad.
l just think that honesty is super important,
and the truth is...
it makes me uncomfortable.
Okay.
l understand.
Have a great weekend.
l'll see you Monday.
l adore you.
Hey, baby.
Can l get you anything else, honey?
No, thank you. l'm fine.
Okay.
ls this your first time here?
Yes, actually it is.
l'm Miss Pepper, and if you're interested
in dating a woman like me, you can.
Many of the beautiful girls here are avaiIabIe for a date.
For a donation, that is.
l don't think so,
but they are beautiful.
l don't understand how you do it.
Oh.
You know,
you'd actuaIIy make a pretty girl yourself.
Put on a fierce blond wig to go with your bright eyes.
Contour your nose a bit.
My nose is very masculine, isn't it?
Honey, if there's a woman in there,
it wouId take more than a nose to keep her down.
George?
Yes.
You must be Sandra. PIease come in.
Where do you want to do this?
l usually suggest the kitchen.
Okay. Sure.
Great. Strip down to your underwear
and we'll get started.
This is what l'd like to wear.
Sure, if it fits.
You given any thought to the wig?
l brought three.
Yes. l'd like brunette, please.
ln fact,
l would like to look...
as much as possible like her.
♪ A plume of doom will rise ♪
♪ Eluding hearts and skies ♪
♪ Destroying eagles' eyes ♪
♪ While we all lament ♪
♪ This business of cement. ♪
What was that?
l thought maybe l would contribute a song to the next rally.
l think it kind of works, maybe.
- What?
lt's a little corny, no?
Oh.
lt's not finished yet.
That's not very nice.
Okay. l'm sorry. l just--
l just believe that honesty
is super important.
You know what? Come on.
Let's go to bed.
l'm dying to see that surprise you got.
Ready?
Well?
The young gentleman's heart sank.
He Iooked nothing Iike what he had imagined.
ln fact,
he was horrified by what he saw.
Wait wait. l forgot the jewelry.
But with this crushing disappointment
came a great revelation--
despite his occasional penchant for women's cIothing,
Louis lves did not want to transform himself.
There was no woman inside him dying to get out.
He did not long to be beautiful like Mary,
or the girls at Sally's.
This was not his path to love.
This is wrong.
- lt's all wrong. - No!
No. No, you look really nice!
ln fact, standing there dressed as a woman,
he never felt more like a man in his life.
What?
What the heII are you doing?!
I'm sorry. I didn't think l needed to ask if l was paying!
- What?! - Please, stop yelling.
- You, asshole! - What?
- l just didn't under-- - What is happening here?
Henry!
What-- what have you done?
- Get out of my home! - What's going on?!
- Go, go! - Shit!
Get out of my home!
- Get out of my home! - Freaks!
- Go. Go. - Fucking freaks!
- Get out! - Jesus Christ!
l trusted you.
- Henry-- - Here with everything l own.
Henry, l didn't know you were coming home so soon.
l had to.
Vivian died.
Oh my...
God.
Henry, l'm sorry. l'm so sorry.
l don't want your sympathy.
- l only want your absence. - Henry, please.
l'm going for a walk.
l want you out of my apartment by the time I get back.
PIease wait. Can't you just for once--
Henry! Henry, l don't know what to say!
Look, obviousIy l have some issues!
Mmm.
l tried my best to hide them,
because I desperateIy wanted your friendship.
But the real truth is
l don't even know who you are.
Nobody seems to.
As Louis lves' vehicle was hauled away...
so was his entire foundation.
And for the first time since he moved there,
Louis lves considered
- Morning, Louis. - Morning, George.
Farewell, my Vivian.
l shall always be
your most devoted rosen knight.
You wanted to see me, George?
Yeah. Yeah, I did. Sit down please, Louis.
ls something... wrong?
There's just something l need to talk to you about.
Okay.
Louis, phone sales,
they're not really right for you.
- No? - No.
You're just--
you're not the right personality type, Louis.
Now our magazine is doing--
is doing very well, you know that.
The editing staff can barely keep up
with all the unsolicited manuscripts that are coming in.
So what l would prefer to do
is to start you copy editing.
You've got a quiet, keen insight, Louis.
That's an asset here.
We should groom you as a writer,
not as a salesman.
l guess what l'm saying is,
l'm offering you a promotion.
Louis?
Louis, l need to talk to you.
l was thinking...
and you did me a really selfless favor,
- and l was really selfish not to return it. - Oh.
So if you still need a date for that wedding,
l would be happy
and honored to fill that position.
Mary,
l really appreciate
you offering to be my date.
But l'm not sure
if it's the best thing for me anymore.
Really?
Are you throwing those Christmas balls out?
Hello, Henry.
Look at them,
strutting around as if they own the whole city...
and yet they're completely dependent.
Not a pot to piss in.
Well, they do look awfuIIy proud.
Henry, I want to apologize for last night.
You are always apologizing. Don't be so obsequious.
lt's your apartment.
They're your rules. I broke them.
Yes...
all that is true.
But I'm not as old fashioned as you think.
Does that mean you're not kicking me out for good?
Don't be ridiculous.
You did kick Bellman out for less.
l know.
But there's a difference--
it would be sad to lose you.
Hmm. But you really do need help, you know?
You might think about going over
to the American Legion for counseling.
Hmm.
No, they'II get you thinking right.
Actually, what l've decided to do is
to devote more time to writing--
professionally and personally.
l think it may be therapeutic.
Good. Yes, it helps.
But I wouIdn't ruIe out psychoanalysis either.
l've thought about that too.
- Gershon?! - Hey!
You look great, Gershon.
- Thank you. - You look practically middle class.
- l did it for the wedding. - My God.
What's this?
My play!
Gershon, you?
l was angry.
And l was hurt.
And l wanted to hurt you back.
But l'm sorry, Henry.
lt was wrong. l deeply regret it.
Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?
l forgive you, Gershon.
You mustn't sin anymore.
No sin against your fellow man,
no sin against your body.
Follow the Bible. Work!
Work on your soul.
Pray for enlightenment.
Who knows, maybe Louis and l will get some too,
because we live just upstairs.
And do you, Otto Ralph Bellman,
take this woman, Margaret Chase Cudlip,
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
so long as you both shall live?
That's Vivian's niece.
- I do. - By the power vested in me
by the Almighty God...
She's a little old for me, don't you think?
- l now pronounce you man and wife. - Hmm?
- She's barely 50. - Henry, shh!
- Shh! Shh! - Shh! Shh!
- You may now kiss the bride. - Sacred.
Congratulations.
Congratulations, Otto.
l've been thinking.
When l finish teaching in August,
the three of us should go to Russia.
Three can manage very well there.
We won't need much.
A bottle of champagne only costs
$4 on the Black Sea.
Oh, thank you, my dear.
Lovely.
And as the young gentleman
threw rice with the rest,
he finally understood those words
of his dear and essential friend
Henry Harrison...
"So there we are.
Where are we?"
♪ Prince of players ♪
♪ Pawn of none ♪
♪ Born with steel reins ♪
♪ On the heart of the sun ♪
♪ Gypsy explorer ♪
♪ Of the New Jersey heights ♪
♪ Exalted companion ♪
♪ Of cocaine nights ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ When will he come up for air? ♪
♪ Oh, will anybody ever care? ♪
♪ At an old 18 ♪
♪ Exiled he was ♪
♪ To the deserted kingdoms ♪
♪ Of a mythical Oz ♪
♪ Distraction he wanted ♪
♪ To destruction he fell ♪
♪ Now he forever stalks ♪
♪ The ancient mansions of hell ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ When will he come up for air? ♪
♪ Oh, will anybody ever care? ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ When will he come up for air? ♪
♪ Oh, will anybody ever care? ♪
♪ When all his lovers have left him ♪
♪ And his youth's ill spent ♪
♪ He cries in the dungeons ♪
♪ And tries to repent ♪
♪ But change is a monster ♪
♪ And changing is hard ♪
♪ So he'll freeze away his summers ♪
♪ ln his underground yard ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ When will he come up for air? ♪
♪ Oh, will anybody ever care? ♪
♪ Prince of players ♪
♪ Pawn of none ♪
♪ Born with steel reins ♪
♪ On the heart of the sun ♪
♪ Gypsy explorer ♪
♪ Of the New Jersey heights ♪
♪ Exalted companion ♪
♪ Of cocaine nights ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ When will he come up for air? ♪
♪ Oh, will anybody ever care? ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ When will he come up for air? ♪
♪ Oh, will anybody ever care? ♪
♪ 'Cause he's a dandy in the underworld ♪
♪ Dandy in the underworld. ♪