Woe unto man.
Brave Achilles, slain in trial by blood...
for prize, the bride of Menelaus.
And father of Antigone, ruler of Thebes,
self-rendered sightless by lust for expiation.
Lost victim of bewildered desire.
Nor has Jason's wife fared better.
Giving life only to reclaim it in vengeful fury.
For to understand the ways of the heart...
is to grasp as clearly the malice or ineptitude of the gods,
who, in their vain and clumsy labors to create a flawless surrogate,
have left mankind but dazed and incomplete.
Take, for instance, the case of Lenny Weinrib,
a tale as Greek and timeless as fate itself.
- Lenny, let's have a baby. - Hey!
A baby? Why? Because she's pregnant, you want to have a baby?
- No. It's a great idea. - You could raise your own middleweight.
- I don't want a middleweight. - Flyweight.
- No, it'd be fun. - Have you ever had children?
- No, I've never had children. - Why not?
What do you mean, "why not?" 'Cause my first wife didn't want to have a child.
- Then I never remarried really, so-- - Oh, that's great.
- What am I, chopped liver? - Until now.
- Yeah? - I never-- You didn't let me finish.
- No, you'd forgotten. - Now you've changed your mind.
You didn't want to have a child.
- You should have kids. - It's like stereo. Give him a break.
- You don't want a kid? - Oh, we--
When we first met, she didn't like the beach; she hated the Hamptons;
she didn't want to have kids; she loved the Upper East Side, she didn't want to move.
Now suddenly she's making noise about having a kid and moving to Tribeca.
- Only if the gallery moves downtown. - Well, being pregnant is great.
Yeah?
I love it. You get treated like the Queen of England.
- Sure. - You say that like it's a good thing.
- Well, I like the pampering. - She does like it.
- Yeah? - Yeah, it's fantastic.
I can't give up the time right now.
There are too many exciting things happening in my business.
- So let me ask you a question. - What?
How do you plan to swing it without being pregnant? I'm curious.
- Good question. Very good question. - No, it's easy.
- We'll adopt. Oh, well. - Mmm.
- Not me. I don't want to adopt. - There you go.
- Why not? That's a good idea. - No. No.
- You must be nuts. With, with my genes? - Yeah?
- To adopt? I have award-winning genes. - Oh, God.
- I want to pass them on. - No, that's crazy. No, the--
It's for the same reason we don't lease a car, okay?
- 'Cause it's pride of ownership. - Okay.
- And I don't want to adopt a child. - No. Look, I'm sorry, Lenny.
It's crazy 'cause the world is full of needy kids.
- You know, she's right. - That's true.
- I know, but that-- You know, but I-- - No, I mean it.
Why overpopulate the world when there are thousands of parent-less kids?
Just because you don't want to get morning sickness, right?
- No, it's not true. - That's why you want to adopt a kid.
I just can't afford to give up a year just now.
Forget it. Subject is closed. I don't wanna--
I'd be afraid that I might get a bad seed.
- Oh, you're paranoid. - Oh, come on.
That's right! What-- You read that in the tabloids all the time.
- No. A bad seed. - That's right.
Yeah, we adopt some sweet little boy, and then he turns 13,
we'd go to sleep at night, he'd split our head open with an axe.
Listen, why'd you have to go and tell him that?
You know Lenny's got a vivid imagination.
It's a common occurrence.
I read the same paper. What do you want me to tell you?
Anyway, what do you mean "he"? Why can't we adopt a girl?
- We're not adopting anything. I want no sex. - A little girl.
Let the guy have a short stop or a point guard, will ya?
Can we get a check? Can we-- Can we please get out of here?
I'll take the check. I'm paying tonight.
- Yes. - You? I'm stunned.
You pay, you break your record.
You-- One more and you break DiMaggio's record-- 56 straight.
That's not true. Now, be nice.
Laius, proud father, speak.
I, with joy, did have a son...
so fair, so clearheaded and brave,
that I a thousand pleasures did derive from his presence.
So what happens?
One day he kills me.
And don't you think, he runs off and marries my wife.
Poor Oedipus, king of Thebes.
My son, my son did slay unwittingly...
my noble husband...
and did, without realizing, hasten with me,
his loving mother, to lustful bed.
And a whole profession was born...
charging sometimes 200 an hour,
and a 50-minute hour at that.
And why a child now, out of left field?
One hopes it's not to fill some growing void in their marriage.
Leave her be.
A woman's urge to motherhood is old as the earth.
Children grow up; they move out.
Sometimes to ridiculous places like Cincinnati...
or Boise, Idaho.
Then you never see them again.
You'd think once in a while they'd pick up a phone.
But is there a growing void in the Weinrib's marriage?
We didn't say there was.
We're all just speculating on possible motives.
Children are serious stuff.
Look, here's a man who killed his father...
and slept with his mother.
I hate to tell you what they call my son in Harlem.
Hello.
- There's a baby we can adopt. - Are you serious?
I spoke to Carolyn Hester and she's found an infant for us.
- But we have to act quickly. - I don't want a kid.
Well, Lenny, you know how hard it is.
And look, the baby's one day old, totally healthy.
Unwed mother, no diseases.
And it's a boy. You wanted a boy.
Amanda, I can't get into this with you now.
This is not the place to have this discussion.
I told Carolyn to be on the lookout. She's experienced with adoptions.
She knows what she's doing. It's a boy, healthy, born this morning.
No strings, if we act quickly.
Le-- Look, I-- I gotta put my foot down.
I-I-- If you want to discuss this another time, we can.
But if you gotta have a fast answer, it's definitely "no."
- Hi! - Hi.
- You got his head? - He's adorable.
Yes. Oh, God.
This is great. This kid is never going to be a fighter, you know.
I gotta run out and get some weights because he's really light as a feather.
- Yeah, perhaps I should have him back. - Hi.
Yeah. Maybe you better hold him 'cause he's crying.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's crying.
Okay. Okay. It's okay. It's okay.
- That's a good boy. - That's so great.
If there's any greatness in my hands, let it pass into your body.
- Get a grip on yourself. - This kid is gonna be a great kid!
- Oh, yeah. - He's fabulous!
- You're okay now. - What do you wanna call him?
- Oh, this is unbelievable. Yeah. - Call him?
- Oh, wh-- what about Eric? - Eric? The kid's not a Viking.
I wanna call him, name him, you know, for one of my heroes.
- Like what? - I don't know. What about Groucho?
- Groucho? Oh, get real. - No, I'm serious.
It's a great-- You know. I-- I don't know. What--
What about Phineas? Do you like Phineas?
Phineas? Are you joking?
Phineas is the guy who forecloses on the mortgage.
I don't want to call this kid Phineas. He's adorable.
That's so great. What-- What, uh-- Let me think.
Well.
- What about Django? - Django?
Django, yeah. After Django Reinhardt, the great guitar player.
- Django Weinrib? - That's the curse of the Weinrib name.
It doesn't go with anything. Nothing goes with Weinrib.
Well, okay, okay.
What about something simple like, you know, Ben?
- You want to call him Ben Weinrib? - Yeah.
What, he's gonna be a-a-a gin rummy champion?
I mean, you know.
Yeah, well, you want to deny your heritage? Huh?
Well, you know, I-I just want the kid to have a great name.
- Yeah. - What about Sugar Ray Weinrib?
Holden, after Holden Caulfield.
You see, Holden is one of those things that works if we use your maiden name.
If it's Holden Sloane, but not Holden Weinrib.
Yeah.
The kid is so cute!
I can't believe he's-- What about Cole?
- Cole? - Cole Weinrib. Harpo Weinrib.
- Harpo? No. - How about Earl the Pearl Weinrib?
- That would be so perfect. - Oh, God! No.
Okay, what-- what about Shane? You like the name Shane?
Yeah.
- Shane's pretty. - Shane would be okay.
On the other hand, you wouldn't want a Supreme Court Justice called Shane.
Oh, Jesus. I got it. I got it.
Brilliant. This is so brilliant.
- Got it? Ready? Are you ready? - Mm-hmm.
- Thelonius Weinrib. - Max! What about Max?
- Max? - Yeah, Max.
Max. Oh, look how cute he is.
- I wanna hold him. Max is okay. - He's so sweet. He's smiling.
- Dr. Max Weinrib. I like the name Max. - Yeah, Max is good.
- It's simple. - How about Senator Max Weinrib?
- Little tongue. - Rabbi Max-- Rabbi Max Weinrib?
No. Maybe we should rethink Max for a minute.
- Oh, he's so great. - He's happy. I think he likes us.
- He looks like you. - He looks like me?
Yeah.
He looks like Broderick Crawford a little bit.
- He's so smart. - Yeah.
He picks up on everything.
He's got a great personality. You know, you wake him up, he's always smiling and upbeat.
- Like me. - You were like that when you were a baby.
- Yeah, he's so verbal. - Well, he's around a writer...
and an art expert, right?
Listen, when are you going to move the gallery downtown?
Yeah, Mother, we don't want to get into that discussion 'cause, you know,
I think we should move and Lenny is a devoted Upper East-sider.
Or shall I say is opposed to change in any form?
- I don't know. - It's unbelievable.
The kid is unbelievable. I got him trains, he put 'em together himself.
Trains? I thought you bought him an Erector Set.
I got him an Erector Set, yeah. And-- And I also got him this tricycle.
- Wait. And the whole plastic kitchen? - Max, I got you a tricycle.
Lenny, you can't buy him so much.
- Max, I got you a tricycle. - Look at that!
You can't buy him so much stuff.
- No, no. I also got him skates. - Skates?
Yeah. And I got a couple more things on the way in, you know.
A small truck is gonna pull up in front of the house.
- What are you gonna get next year? - Does anyone want anything to drink?
Go ahead. Shoot.
Try again.
You ever think about what you want to be when you grow up, Max?
Hmm, I don't know. Maybe an interior decorator.
- What? - Just kidding, just kidding.
Well, don't kid. Here. Come on.
Okay, those go in the bedroom. Okay, you follow me.
- Give me a hand with this. - Why did we move?
What do you mean, "Why did we move?" I told you.
We moved 'cause-- 'cause, you know, 'cause your mother wanted to move.
'Cause, you know, the art gallery she works at has moved downtown...
and, you know, she wanted to move.
- Here's your football. - Who's the boss between you and Mommy?
- What is the question? - Who's the boss between you and Mommy?
Who is the boss? You have to ask that?
You don't know who the boss is between me and Mommy?
No.
I'm the boss, okay? Mommy-- Mommy's only the decision maker.
You know, there's a difference between, uh--
You know, Mommy-- Mommy says what we do and, and, uh,
I have control of the channel changer.
- Here-- Here's your crayons. - Thanks.
We're new in the neighborhood and we want Max to be really in the best school.
- Oh, but this is it. - It's 'cause he's a very, very bright kid.
- I mean, really bright. - Yeah, he's really great.
Yes, I know. I saw his test scores and they're wonderful.
They are. Yeah.
I know. And he's got a great sense of humor.
- He's a sweet kid. He's a really sweet kid. - He's got a great personality.
Wonderful. Well, I wanted to talk to you about a special program...
that we have for bright students.
Really? And he qualifies?
- Oh, yes. Absolutely. - Sorry. Excuse me.
- Certainly. - Because-- when you hear his syntax,
- Hello? Oh, hi. - It's amazing.
- Verbal skills are telling. - His vocabulary is good, but his syntax is--
- Oh, great. - He speaks like a grown-up.
- Sorry. Lenny? - What we can do is--
- Sorry. Excuse me. - Oh, certainly.
Can we meet the Dorians tonight for dinner at Le Cirque?
The Dorians? No. Because we have tickets to the Edward Albee play.
- Listen, I can't. - We have to. We've been waiting for so long.
You don't have to go, but I really should go.
I, uh-- No.
This will be the second time this week we cancelled something.
Go with Bud.
Oh, okay.
I don't want to go with Bud. I'm not married to Bud.
Listen, go. Can we not discuss it now?
Oh, my God! That was embarrassing.
Well, just because I don't want to have dinner
yet again with the world's dullest couple.
Yeah, well, someday they may sponsor me for my own gallery.
- I said I'd go. I'm going with you. - Yeah?
But we got tickets to a show. It's a shame.
This time try and join in and don't sit there like some zombie all night.
Hey, last time I joined in, you got angry with me.
Yeah, 'cause we were discussing the I.M. Pei Museum, not Muhammad Ali.
Well, my mind wandered. I can't keep on those topics.
I just don't want to be the motor power of the Bender Gallery forever.
I want the Amanda Sloane Gallery.
Not Amanda Weinrib, 'cause there's a euphony problem.
Three, four, run. Three, four, and break the ball.
- Play 88! - I hope they don't play like this.
88! Ten-hut!
What's the matter? You seem down.
- No, I'm fine. - You're fine?
Something's on your mind, Lenny.
Listen, last night I was at one of those dinner parties again.
Amanda-- You know, last week she took me to,
to Le Cirque with the Dorians.
And then last night it was with the Grossbards on Park Avenue.
And then after that, we were driving home...
and I don't know what to say.
It was Saturday night, you know, and we stopped for a light over on Park Avenue.
I looked out the window and I see some guy and this pretty girl.
And, you know, they're walking home and, you know,
the guy's carrying the Sunday papers.
It looked like they were having so much fun, you know.
And, you know-- I don't know, I--
I remember how great it used to be with me and Amanda...
in our first apartment, you know, how romantic it was.
You know, in those days it was just a kick shopping together...
or, you know, just walking the New York streets, you know.
Then when Max came, everything was so great, you know.
We had such terrific times.
I don't know, it's been so long since there's been, you know, the old passion between us.
I don't know, but it was the first time I had any of those thoughts.
And, you know, they made me feel nervous.
You weren't too pleasant this evening.
Why, 'cause I said no about going to your boss Jerry Bender's house...
- in the Hamptons? - I'll be fine.
I don't like the Hamptons. You know, you used to hate the beach yourself.
Yeah, not the way he lives. It's private and beautiful.
What are you getting so angry about?
- 'Cause you won't come. - Last time we went, I got a tick.
- A tick? Oh, wow. Big deal. - For you, it wasn't a big deal.
But I took my pants off, I had a black thing living in my leg.
Everyone will be there.
For the potential contacts, I can put up with a few ticks.
I don't-- What contacts?
You know, it's like you're an international spy.
- You got contacts all over town. - I plan to have my own gallery, and soon.
You've changed unbelievably over the years.
- Oh, yeah? You know what, Lenny? - You used to hate that.
- People grow. They grow. Some people. - It's not growth.
You used to hate the beach. And Jerry Bender has got a crush on you.
What?
- This guy stares at you. - Oh, no. That's nuts.
- That's seriously crazy. - He mentally undresses you.
- That's his normal look. - It's not his normal look.
If he looked at me that way I'd hit him with a brick.
Okay. Okay, let's--
- Or kiss him on the lips, maybe. - Let's drop this. Please?
Well, what do you mean, you couldn't find it?
Well, I'm sorry. You know, it's dark in here...
and I-- you know, we haven't done it in a while.
- And then you got so angry at me. - I wasn't angry.
I wasn't angry. You were fumbling and I was getting out of the mood.
Sorry, I couldn't find it. This-- We haven't been doing it in a while.
Okay, let's not get into a whole discussion here.
I lost my sense of direction.
I'm tired.
Every marriage goes through valleys and peaks.
- This is like a valley. - I don't mind going through a valley.
But I don't want to sink beneath sea level here.
Lenny, why rock the boat?
You got a bright, beautiful wife. You got a kid that you're crazy for.
I'm not gonna rock the boat. Did I tell you about Max?
They want to put him in a special class because he's got a high IQ.
Yeah, well, two bright parents. I mean, what do you expect?
Yeah, whoever they are. I mean, I still don't know.
It's like raising thoroughbreds.
This kid must come from good stock.
He's good-looking; he's got a high IQ; he's got a great personality.
And he's amusing.
This is not my doing. Amanda did the whole adoption.
I just resisted. I complained, like a jerk.
I mean, a good father, a dynamite mother produces a kid like Max.
I think the father's dead, you know.
The mother?
Don't go any further!
I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it.
How can I forget it? The thought's been put into my head.
Oh, cursed fate. Certain thoughts are better left unthunk.
I'll bet this kid has a dynamite mother.
What makes you think he didn't inherit everything from his father?
Everything? That's very unlikely. But I'm gonna find out.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
- I'll bet she's great. - Curiosity. That's what kills us.
Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
- I'm gonna find out. - Please, Lenny, don't be a schmuck.
I remember the adoption vaguely because I'm somewhat friendly with Amanda.
But it was not that long ago that we-- that we did it.
I recall trying to expedite matters for her.
I somehow think it was a single parent with no father.
Right. Exactly. So-So how-- Is it possible for me to get the name--
I'd like the name of the mother, if I could.
That remains forever in our files.
Even if I have it, I can't give it to you. May I ask why you want to know?
Yes, 'cause I-I-- I'm curious about it...
and I'm trying to get all the information that I can.
So, so-- - I'm sorry. That's all I can help you with.
There's no possibility of, uh--
No, those are the rules.
I don't understand. I'm the father of the child.
- I can't find out who-- - They're very firm. It's never done.
- Mm-hmm. - How is the little boy doing?
- Good. He's great. He's fabulous. - Yes?
- Yes. - Say hello to Amanda.
- There's no possibility that I could-- - I'm sorry.
- There's-- - Really sorry. No way.
- Okay, thank you. Thank you. - Bye-bye.
What are you doing, Weinrib?
Don't confuse me! She's coming back in a minute.
- You are breaking the law. - Breaking the law? There's a higher law.
I can find out who my son's mother is.
The judge won't see it that way.
Keep a lookout for me, will you, for Christ's sake?
- Me? I'm the leader of the Chorus. - So what? Look out.
Get your friend Bud to help you.
Bud can't help me. You know, Ellie and Amanda are friendly.
- Bud can't keep a secret. - Why is it a secret? Why can't Amanda know?
What kind of argument am I getting into with you? Amanda--
'Cause she wouldn't understand.
Oh, you're guilty because you already have exaggerated notions...
about your son's mother.
It's understandable because things are not going smoothly with Amanda.
That's why you will always be a chorus member.
Because you don't do anything. I act.
I take action. I make things happen.
Well, hurry the hell up. I hear footsteps.
I-I forgot my-- I dropped my manila envelope. I didn't realize it.
- Oh. - It has an important interview in it.
With-- With Roberto Duran.
You won't believe this, but he's heading for Pennsylvania.
Of all the human weaknesses,
- obsession is the most dangerous. - And the silliest.
- Yeah? - I'm looking for a former tenant here,
- a-a-a Leslie Wright. - Who are you?
I'm a friend of hers, and I believe she lived here at one time--
a Leslie Wright?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember the girl who used to live here.
- You remember. The pretty one upstairs. - Yeah, yeah, right.
She was only here for a while. Who are you?
Uh, I'm just an old friend of hers and I was trying to track her down.
Do you know-- Do you know where I could find her?
Leslie Wailes was her name, not Leslie Wright. Leslie Wailes.
- Leslie Wailes? - Wailes.
- She moved to New York. - You sure? 'Cause I have Leslie Wright.
Leslie-- Leslie-- Did she get married or--
I don't know.
You have no other information? You don't know where I could find her or anything?
No. She was only here for a little while. I told you.
Look, let me give you my phone number.
If anything turns up, I would love to locate her.
- Here. Give me that. I'll take that. - Thank you.
- Yeah. Okay. - You're welcome.
You have a phone call. Mr. Lamont. Says he's from Philadelphia.
- Oh. - You gave him your number?
- Mm-hmm. - Is this Lenny Weinrib?
- Go ahead, sir. - Hello.
Yeah, this is Bill Lamont. Um, that woman you were looking for--
We asked another guy who said her name was Leslie St. James.
Said she moved to New York City, talked about becoming an actress.
- Leslie St. James? - Yes, sir. Yeah.
He remembered her quite well. Leslie St. James is the name she took.
There was a Leslie St. James who was a member of the Screen Extras Guild.
- So that's that. - So what are you telling me?
That-- That she was a movie extra or stage extra?
Yeah. That's all I have.
So-- And there's an address, but, uh, you know,
this book's a few years old. So.
I'm looking for a-- it's-- she--
A Leslie St. James or maybe it's a Leslie Wailes.
- I don't know, but I think she lived here. - Oh, yeah, sure. I remember.
She was a tall girl. She changed her name to Linda Ash.
Linda Ash?
Yeah, it was a fake name. She-- She did sex movies.
- Sex movies? - Yeah, you know, like, uh, Deep Throat.
Skin flicks. Tall, blonde, hot.
- Very hot. - Really? Good-looking?
Oh, great looking. Tremendous body.
- How you doin'? - Hey, Lenny, how are ya?
- Good. Can I talk to you a minute? - Yeah.
- I need a favor. - You got it. What?
You got friends in the, uh, the adult film business, right?
My nephew knows them all. Why?
I'm trying to locate an actress named Linda Ash.
- You know which movies she did? - No.
I was in the video store trying to get a video,
but, you know, I get embarrassed because my neighbor saw me there.
- And, you know-- - I hear ya.
Well, let me get back to you on that one. All right?
Yeah.
You know, I don't know why we have to do this.
I-I don't want to spend the whole weekend at Jerry Bender's.
Oh, Lenny, please. We've been through this.
There are lots of important clients there.
I-- You know, so what is this?
Meanwhile this guy's going to stare at you the whole weekend and mentally undress you.
He is not. He's not.
God, your paranoia is rivaled in history only by Joseph Stalin.
I'm really glad you could make it out this weekend, Amanda.
There's some people around here I think it's very important you should meet.
Oh, thanks, Jerry. I really appreciate it. I really do.
- God, I love your sailboat. - Yeah, it's fun, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Sorry the waves were so choppy, Lenny.
Oh, it's no problem. I don't mind throwing up into the wind, you know.
You know, we could see that house next door at 3:00.
By the way, it's a great buy.
Is it possible that I could just make one quick phone call?
- Yeah. Ken! - Yes, Jerry.
Oh, sorry, Ken. Can you show Lenny the private phone?
Sure. Come on, Lenny. It's right over here.
The house sounds exciting. What are they asking again?
Amanda, listen. Why don't you, uh, spend the night here tonight.
- What do you say? Are you free tonight? - Uh--
We could go for a sail.
You can't believe what the stars look like lying on the back of a boat.
Yeah. No, I'd love to. I really would love to.
Well, then, do it.
But I-- No, he has to get back.
Really?
- Yeah. - Hmm.
Hmm.
I got the skinny on Linda Ash.
She's been in a few films. She's no star or nothin'.
That's why you never heard of her.
She works under the stage name "Judy Cum."
Mostly, she's a hooker.
Uh, I got her number.
Judy Cum?
Oh, you never should have looked for her.
Now I see big trouble.
Oh, for God's sake. You know, you're such a Cassandra.
I'm not such a Cassandra. I am Cassandra.
- That's who I am. - I gotta check this thing out.
You'll be sorry. I'm telling you, quit now.
Oh, and don't let Amanda talk you into buying the house next door.
This place?
Yes! I see big problems with beach erosion...
and a heavy mortgage.
Well, I love that property.
- Mm-hmm. - We're right near everybody.
Doesn't mean we have to see them all the time, but we have the option.
You-- You're not afraid of beach erosion, right?
Beach erosion? Oh, come on, now. You're such a Cassandra.
You gonna take a shower?
Yeah. Yeah, can you, uh, fix something for dinner?
Yeah, I'll make dinner.
I'll make the spaghetti, okay?
There's some sauce in the fridge.
Hello, is this Linda?
Linda, um, this is Lenny.
Uh, I-- I got your number from Charlie Biggs.
And I wonder if, uh, it would be possible...
that you would have some time tomorrow afternoon.
- You shouldn't do this. - Would you please stop it?
- You're gonna cheat on Amanda? - I'm not cheating.
- I just want to see what she looks like. - You can get a disease.
- Aren't you scared of AIDS? - I'm not gonna sleep with the girl.
I just want to see what she looks like.
I want to get to know her or something. It's just--
Uh, is it possible that we could meet at a hotel?
You're gonna rent a hotel room with a hooker and not sleep with her?
Leave me alone. I want to talk to her.
How about the Plaza on 59th Street? Is that--
What are you doing? At least pick an out-of-the-way spot.
Oh, Christ.
Um, Linda, maybe it'd be better if I--
What about your place? Would that be a possibility?
Uh-huh. Uh--
Hold on one second.
3:00.
Okay. Um, I'll be there.
And it's Lenny.
Uh, Lenny... Gildersleeve. Okay.
I can't believe this. I can't believe it.
Hi. Are you my 3:00?
- Linda Ash? - Yeah, that's right.
- I'm Lenny. - Hello, Lenny. Come on in.
- Uh, you're-- you're Linda Ash, right? - Yeah.
- 'Cause we spoke on the phone? - Yeah.
Are you okay? You look all white.
- I'm okay. - Yeah?
Do you want something to drink?
Maybe-- Do you have a little Perrier or something?
What?
- Little-- Just a little tap water? - Oh, sure. I have that.
- You're definitely Linda Ash? - Yeah.
What's the matter? Are you a stroke victim or something?
I told you three times. I'm Linda Ash.
Oh, you have a, a beautiful apartment.
- Oh, thank you. I did it myself. - Oh.
Oh, let me show you something I just got.
- That. Isn't it a pisser? - Ohh!
Oh, yes, it's-- it's magnificent.
Oh. Well, yeah. I got a great sense of humor.
That's something you're going to find out about me-- I'm funny and I can take a joke.
- A lot of people can't take a joke. - Oh, no, I can.
- They say that about me too. - Oh, yeah?
- That I have a good sense of humor. - Oh, good!
Then you'll like this. Look, I just got this. Somebody gave it to me.
As the main spring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps fucking her in the ass.
It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time.
Oh, my goodness.
It's a disgusting-- Ohh.
Lenny?
The water today is a little bit brown. Would you like some Sprite instead?
- I'm feeling a little dizzy. I-- - Oh, no!
- Come sit down. - No, no. I don't know why.
Usually, you know, I'm just the picture of health.
- Yeah? You work out? - Not-- Not religiously.
Oh, I'm not religious either. Mostly, my folks were Episcopalian.
- Oh, are they? So-- - So.
So what do you do, Lenny? Oh, no. Wait. Let me guess.
I have a great knack for guessing what people do for a living.
- Um-- - Um, uh-- I'll tell you the truth.
- Rug salesman! - You're close.
I'm-- I'm a sportswriter. Because--
- Shit. I wasn't even in the ballpark. - Well, it was not--
Wait. Ballpark. Sportswriter. Get it?
I get it.
I did it with a wrestler once. A huge, hairy guy.
You'd figure he'd be hung like a horse, but there was very little there.
Look, could I-- could I just get a little water?
- I don't care if it's brown. - Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't mind rust. I'm just feeling a little--
T-Tell me, Linda.
Uh, uh, tell me about yourself, Linda.
Well, what do you-- what do you want to know?
Anything. I just want to know about you.
- Well, basically, Lenny, - Yes?
- I'm an actress. - Oh, that's wonderful.
I like drama. I study.
Yes? Uh, where-- where's that?
Paul Delucca. Have you ever heard of him?
- Paul Delucca? No. But then, I wouldn't. - Yeah.
- Oh, he's really well-known. He's a genius. - I'm sure. I'm sure.
He says he thinks I'm gonna make it big.
- Mmm. - Um, I know you will.
- Yeah. Maybe you've seen some of my movies. - That's possible.
Did you ever see The Enchanted Pussy?
Not yet, but I-I-- It's on my list of must-see.
Oh, they're videotapes, so you can rent it.
But my real ambition is to be on Broadway in a musical.
- I sing. - Do you?
Excuse me.
Hello? Busy. Some of them are called John, all right?
- Was that-- Was that your husband? - Ha-ha. Very funny.
No, but I mean, you have no husband, no family, no children...
or anything like that?
'Cause some do. You have a funny look on your face.
- Um. - Did I say the wrong thing?
- No. Not really. - I-- I said--
No. No, listen.
- What are you in the mood for, Len? - Me? I-I, well,
I would like to-- You know, we can chat for a while.
I thought I'd get into it slowly and, you know--
You're married, aren't you?
- How can you tell that? - 'Cause you got that look.
That look? Wh-What look is that?
That look like it's been a long time since you've had a great blow job.
Oh, that look. I-- I can understand.
- Wh-Where are you from? - Mm, around.
What are you so interested in me for?
- That's my fingers. - Yes, I know.
- Here. - What--
Pull, pull! Pull the strings.
Pull these strings?
Yeah, pull all the strings. See? See what happens?
- I'm not so mechanical as I was. - Oh, it's easy. Here. Pull.
- Ahh! See, it opens! - Ohh!
That's amazing. Science is-- is--
- Yeah. - You, you, you-- I-I--
Oh. Really. Well.
Uh, you're a very attractive woman, a very beautiful young woman.
Oh, thank you, Lenny.
Well, you're cute too. So, what do you say?
- You wanna go inside, take a shower? - A shower?
- You can study me up close and personal. - Oh! Oh.
No, see, I bathed already.
You got lipstick on my fi--
- Mmm, you smell clean. Mmm. - Thank you. Well--
As I say, I'm basically-- My ear.
- You're sensitive, huh? - It's my weak spot, in my ear.
Oh. Okay.
A little nibbling makes me... go crazy.
Okay, Len. Are you nervous?
I-- No. But yes, I am nervous, to tell you the truth.
You do look that way.
I've never-- I-I've never done this, actually.
Oh, okay. That's all right. I'll take it slow.
This is-- I-I--
Oh. Okay. I--
Um, incidentally, Len,
I think I should tell you ahead of time I-I get 200 dollars.
It's no problem. No problem.
- Just a-- Just a show of good faith. - Thanks, Lenny. Wow!
You're really sweet, Len.
Put it down as a religious contribution.
No, but seriously, you want to know why I liked you right from the start?
- Why? - 'Cause I'm always attracted to losers.
Losers? You think I'm a loser?
Yeah. You got no confidence.
It's sweet. I like that in a man.
I can't stand those johns who come here and throw down a couple of hundred...
and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.
Oh, I-- I wouldn't do that even if I wanted to because I'll just--
Ah, shit!
Hello. Oh, hello, Angela.
Oh! Oh, wow! Ha-ha!
Oh, God, thank you for thinking of me.
Yeah, that's great.
Okay. Yeah, well, I'll see you at 10:00.
Bye.
I just got a small part in an Angela Dawson movie.
I get to do it with her!
I don't understand you.
If you're-- If you're serious about being a Broadway actress,
what are you wasting your time with all this porn for?
What's it to you? It's good experience.
How? Making it with a woman in front of the camera is good experience?
That's gonna get you closer to be a Broadway star?
- What are you getting all mad for? - I'm not mad.
I just think it's crazy. You're an attractive young woman.
You know, what are you-- You don't have to live like this, Linda.
- What are you, my pastor? - This is crazy!
You take money from guys and you perform all these acts.
You know, you could be-- Hey, I'm talking to you.
- You could have a family. - Hey, let go of me!
You could have a husband and a child or something.
All right. No. Hey!
Stop. Stop it now! Stop!
- Listen. I don't like possessive men. - I'm not possessive.
You come in here, you don't want to do anything with me.
You're telling me what to do.
- I want to talk. - Do you want to do it or not?
- I want to talk. I paid you, I want to talk. - Oh, no. Okay.
- I bought the time. - Then you get your money back.
- I'm giving it back. Refund. - No, keep the money.
- Let's go. No. - I bought the time!
Hey, stop it. No, I'm giving it back and you're leaving.
Why can't I talk?
Get out!
Daddy, why are you staring at me like that?
Come here.
You know why I'm staring at you?
I'm staring at you 'cause I can't believe it.
Because you're so bright and you're such a great kid.
Come on, Max. Now it's time for bed.
Come on. Okay. Time for beddums.
Ready? The kid's getting heavy.
- He can walk, you know. - Yeah. Okay. Can you walk?
Poor Weinrib! Turn back.
Don't meddle any further. Accept the truth.
I see disaster. I see catastrophe.
Worse, I see lawyers.
But wait, a messenger.
I come from the midtown area where Lenny Weinrib,
tortured by passions too overwhelming to regulate,
did indeed call this little hustler on the phone...
in earnest attempt to see her again.
At first he wrestled with his drives,
trying to master a curiosity...
not slaked by this initial meeting, but only whetted by it.
His thirst to know this woman more did inexorably provoke him to call her.
Nervous and confused, at first he only got her answering machine.
Then, at fifth try, she picked up the phone herself.
Painful to relate that she thought he was nuts and did not want to meet him nohow.
"Stop bothering me, creep," was her cutting declaration.
Then she used the "F" word.
Agonized, he called again, offering her abundant financial compensation...
just for a brief chat.
But she bade him get off her back and slammed the phone down.
Finally, in doldrums mixed with much anxiety,
he stood watch outside her apartment...
and waited until such a time as he did spot her heading for the laundromat.
- Oh, my God! - Okay, don't get upset or anything.
- I just thought we could have lunch. - Why me?
I'll pay for your time. I just want to speak to you.
All right!
What are you, some kind of fucking pervert who--
Leave me alone. I'm not-- I'm not one of those psychopaths...
that kills prostitutes, I promise you.
- Why would you ever say something like that? - I'm joking. I'm joking.
Listen, in my work, I have to keep an eye out for strange individuals.
- Okay. - I knew a girl that got killed.
All right. Hey, I got you some flowers. Here.
I got you some flowers. Let's have lunch. I'll pay for it.
I'll pay for your time. I just wanna talk to you.
So then my mother married my third father.
I mean, I don't know if she married him, but he moved in.
We didn't get along. He was a disgusting drunk.
What about your hereditary father? Your actual, actual--
Oh, he was a drug pusher and he was also a car thief.
He picked pockets and, you know, he burgled and stuff.
And he was an epileptic.
Uh-huh. You haven't left anything out, right?
- Mail fraud! - Oh, mail fraud. Oh, okay, yeah.
- That's what they caught him on. - Uh-huh.
Hey, you got an appetite like a lumberjack.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Oh, it's fine. Eat all you want.
I'm very hungry, actually. Um, so then I ran away when I was 14.
Mm-hmm.
And I went away with this musician named Johnny.
And it was terrible because we fought all the time, Lenny.
Finally, he committed suicide.
And for years I thought it was because of my cooking.
He always hated my clam sauce.
And so then I kicked around from Chicago, Philadelphia, you know.
All over the place. And I ended up here.
You never thought of just getting a regular job?
Oh, yeah. Sure, I did. No, I did things.
I waited on tables. I worked in a massage parlor. I did phone sex.
Now and then I would, you know, turn a few tricks in order to make some dough.
And one day my friend Susie calls me and she asks me if I want to be in a film.
Something called Snatch Happy. And I said, "Sure."
And I remember I was very nervous...
because I'd never done it in front of people with a camera before, you know.
And so there I am on the first day, on the set.
And there's this guy fucking me from behind, right?
And there's these two huge guys dressed like cops in my mouth at the same time.
And I remember thinking to myself,
"I like acting. I wanna study."
Yes, well. It's a-- It's a--
That's one way of getting into the profession.
Um, tell me about your family a little bit.
What? I told you already. You could write a book by now.
But, but were there any unusual members?
Very bright ones or brilliant or talented or something.
Mmm! Yes!
- I'm sorry. There was. - Mmm.
My father's brother was supposed to be a genius.
I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant.
Really? What did he do?
He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail.
But if he had gone straight, he might have been very good in math.
- Good in math. Well, that's-- - Yeah.
I think I got my intelligence from him,
because everybody else in the family is all slugs and lowlifes.
- I'm the only one with any ambition. - Are you?
And you never-- never had a drive to get married?
What for? They're all assholes.
One of them used to beat me up.
Another one used to fuck my best friend when I wasn't looking.
- It was sickening. - Really.
And-- And let me ask you this.
At any point in your life did you ever think, like,
"Maybe I'd like to have a child"?
Um, I-I did have a child once.
- Did you? - Ah, it was a sad story.
I'll tell you some other time when I know you better.
If I ever know you better.
Are you free this afternoon?
- Why? - You have some free time this afternoon?
- Are you finally in the mood, Lenny? - No, no, no, no, no.
I wanna-- I have an assignment.
But I thought you might wanna come with me, 'cause I think you'll enjoy it.
I'm gonna bet on a horse, and if it wins you can keep the dough.
Here's one. "Eager Beaver."
I once did a film called Beaver Patrol...
about these Boy Scouts who find drunk Girl Scouts in the woods.
And they take them into a cabin and they reach into their packs
and they pull out these dildos.
- And then-- - All right, all right. Okay, we'll--
Y-You're sure you want to bet on Eager Beaver?
- 'Cause it's a 60-to-1. - Oh, yeah. No, I know it's the one. No!
- But it's 60-to-1. - It's a sign. I know it's gonna work.
All right, all right. Famous last words.
- You know. - I got a hunch.
You got a hunch. Okay. Sure, we'll bet on it.
Yeah.
Okay. So if he wins, how much do I make?
At 60-to-1? Uh... you make, uh, $3,000.
Oh, my God! I could get that blue chinchilla coat that I wanted!
- You could get anything you want. - I could get a Jacuzzi.
- Except he's not gonna win. - Oh, no, I know what I could do, Lenny!
- Oh, my God! This is great. - Mm-hmm.
All right. You know, I hope-- I hope you're right.
There's a reason the horse is 60-to-1, though. He's probably got polio.
Oh, no, no. No. This is a sign.
- All right. - My luck is gonna change.
So is your real name Linda? Is that your actual name?
I use a lot of names.
My born name is Leslie, but I like to use names that have nice meanings.
You know, like Mary, for the Virgin Mary.
Or Angel or Linda, which means "pretty" in Spanish.
- But my screen name's Judy Cum. - Mm-hmm.
Well, lucky there's not a horse with that name in the race...
- 'cause we'd bet on him. - Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, my attorney friend would take that under advisement.
- Mm-hmm. - I got exclusive rights to that name.
All right, all right, all right. Yeah.
So let me ask you a question.
Are you ever frightened that when a guy comes over your house and pays you...
that he's gonna maybe, like tie you up and kill you?
Oh, no. I always get paid in advance.
Come on.
- Eager Beaver. He's paying. - Paid in advance? That's--
Lenny.
- They're coming down to the finish. - Come on, Beaver!
- It's Autumn Daisy and Enmity. - Come on! Catch up!
- Eager Beaver continues to drop back. - Oh, shit! Oh, Beaver!
- Autumn Daisy and Enmity. It's close. - Beaver! Come on, Beaver!
- Oh! Beaver! - It's Autumn Daisy by a head.
- Shit! Last? - Enmity finishing second...
- and Lower The Flag finishing third, - Stupid horse got-- Damn it!
Followed by Marcy's Pride, True Blue Crew, Classic Alert,
I had it spent already!
- I know. Relax, relax. Relax, will ya? - and Eager Beaver was last.
You know, it's not so terrible. I told you it was a long shot.
- I never have any luck. Never! - All right.
I never won a fucking thing in my entire life! Nothing! Never!
Will you stay calm? You gotta learn to be a graceful loser.
If it's the money, I'll lend you the money.
- I can help you. - No, it's not the money, Lenny.
I don't care about the money. I just wanted to win so badly.
What do you want to win for? We're just out here having a good time.
- You gotta-- - 'Cause I wanted to impress you.
Impress me? What? You know, you're not running in the race.
What-- You don't have to impress me. I'm--
Yeah, but I wanted to show you I could pick a winner.
Hey. Listen, my horse didn't win either, you know.
Come on, you-- you do impress me.
You're attractive, you're-- you're quick, you have a lot of energy.
You're obviously a state-of-the-art fellatrix.
What?
So-- Nothing, nothing. I'm impressed. Take--
- Lenny, don't say "nothing." - I'm impressed.
- You think I'm stupid? - I don't think you're stupid, no.
No?
You know, I think you do a stupid thing with your life.
But I told you that already.
Well, I don't understand why it matters so much to you.
Hey, come on. We'll stay for one more race, and this time I'll bet for you.
- Yeah? - Let me make the bet. Yeah. N-No. Come on.
We'll just go to the window and I'll make one bet.
All right.
Please don't pick one that runs second...
- 'cause I want a winner, okay, Len? - Yeah. Hey.
You know, they give these horses saliva tests. I can't guarantee anything.
- I gave you your winnings, right? - Yeah.
That was a great race. Too bad the horse only paid 40 cents.
Well, he was a heavy favorite, you know, and I bet him to come in third.
- At least this way you get something. - Yeah.
So, you wanna come in?
I gotta go home. I got a wife and kid. You know, I can't.
You know, you only talk about me. You never talk about yourself.
It's late for me. You know, I had a great time, but I gotta go.
I feel I owe you a great fuck.
Hey, do me a favor. Go upstairs, rest your ulcer, stay in tonight.
I can't stay in. I got six dates.
Six dates. Slow night for you, right?
I wish I had the penicillin concession in your apartment. I'd-- I'd be wealthy.
All right. So, you're gonna call me again?
Am I gonna call you again? Yeah, I'll call you. Don't worry.
- You promise? - I will. I'll call you again.
Okay. I had a great time.
- Bye. - Okay.
- Congratulations. - Thirty-five years.
- I never thought we'd make it. - You and Amanda...
have a way to go, but you'll make it.
- You guys look so young, both of you. - Yeah, you do.
Well, we've kept each other young.
Your mother could be your sister, and you could be brother and sister.
You could be my-- yes.
I don't know where that puts me, but anyway--
She looks so beautiful, doesn't she, Lenny?
To me, she always looks beautiful.
I just always find her great. And you--
When I said sisters before, I mean it. You guys look so great.
And it's a wonder, with all the responsibility...
she has opening her new gallery.
- It's a lot of work. - What new gallery? A new gallery?
No, I didn't tell you 'cause, you know,
I don't know until it's a hundred percent definite.
- Well, did I say the wrong thing? - But it's not.
- No, sure. No, I just-- - It's a hundred percent definite.
You're so insecure. It's happening.
Oh, excuse me.
- What is the story on this? - It looks like I have the backing,
but it's not totally definite.
- That's why I didn't say anything. - Your mother said it was definite.
Yeah, well. It seems as if I do have the backing.
And there is this wonderful space on Vesey Street. You know it?
- Vesey? Yeah, I know it. - Yeah, down in Soho.
And it looks like, you know, we think we can get it.
The Dorians are putting in some money, but I--
- Well, don't look so happy about it. - I am happy!
I'm very happy for you, but it's the first I'm hearing of it, you know.
- And for your mother to tell me-- - Yeah, well, look.
I realize that for a time I'm going to be busier than usual...
and I know that's a sore point,
but, you know, it'll be only 'til it gets off the ground.
- Hey, I'm happy for you. I re-- - You are?
Yes. I just would have liked to have known it.
Are you sure?
The Amanda Sloane Gallery. I think that it's great.
Yeah, on Vesey Street.
Believe me. I haven't even told Jerry Bender yet.
"You've got a fine right, you have, after the way you treated Mother,
"after the way you treated us all!
"A fine right you've got to come back in here in your best country manner...
"and strike attitudes and make stands...
"and criticize my fiance and give orders...
"and mess things up generally as if you'd done--
"Well, I can't help it. It's sickening!
As if he'd done nothing at all!"
Well?
What do you think?
- About what? - About me.
- You think I'm any good? - Yes, it's fine.
I-- You know, you're asking the wrong person.
I don't know that much about acting, to tell you the truth.
Oh, I can tell you're not too impressed.
No, no, no. I just thought, you know, it's a very odd part for you to choose.
Why?
Well, you know, 'cause it's The Philadelphia Story.
- But I lived in Philadelphia. - What has that got to do with it?
- I know the city. - What? You pick a part like this--
You should get something closer to yourself. It wouldn't be such a struggle.
- You know. - Well, what part should I play?
You know-- I don't know. Something closer.
Clint Eastwood doesn't play a meek little hairdresser.
Well, I could play a hairdresser.
I-I used to-- I used to do it a lot.
I wanted to be one. I was very good at it.
- So why'd you give it up? - Well, I don't know.
One thing led to another.
You know, my aunt worked in a beauty parlor for years.
She loved it.
Wait. You mean not be an actress?
Well, an actress is a very tough life, you know.
- But a hairdresser could always make a buck. - A buck?
A buck! An honest buck. No beatings, no AIDS.
You can meet somebody that you, you know--
You can get a family, have a real life, someone that cares for you.
Hey!
Now, don't you think that I want to meet somebody and get married...
and get the hell out of the rat race?
I would like to move away and become a mother and just raise kids.
I don't even want to be a hairdresser.
If Clint Eastwood wants to be a hairdresser, just let him.
You missed the point. Clint Eastwood doesn't want to be a hairdresser.
I had a kid, Lenny,
and I gave him up for adoption.
It's the sorriest thing I ever did in my entire life.
There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't...
wake up thinking about him.
Now some lucky family has him.
I just hope to God that they're taking good care of him.
Why'd you give him up?
I don't know. I was-- I was all confused.
I had no dough. I-I-- I didn't know what to do.
I--
I didn't even know who the father was.
It could've been any one of a hundred guys.
Welcome to planet Earth, thanks to a broken condom.
Gee. That's tough.
Um.
What about your kid?
Max? M-M-Ma-- You know. Max is the greatest.
- Yeah? - Well, sure.
Do you have a picture of him?
- A picture of Max? - Yeah. I'd like to see him.
Uh, yeah, I guess I--
He's very sweet.
You're very lucky.
With Amanda, it was fate.
With Linda, it's hybris.
His drive to find out, and now, to change her life, to control her.
- Yes. - Danger.
Wait. Wait, I see... danger.
Hey, wait a minute. I don't have any interest in controlling her.
I'm doing this for Max's sake.
When the kid gets older, inevitably he's gonna trace his mother.
And, you know, I'd be happier...
if she was married and a-- a hairdresser, you know,
rather than the star of The Enchanted Pussy.
Danger! I see horrible, horrible danger!
- Terrible danger! - Hey, I can handle myself emotionally.
Not emotional danger, physical danger.
I see a bald man. He has a lead pipe.
He's breaking your kneecaps.
So, so, uh, what did, uh-- How did Jerry Bender take it...
when you said that the decision was final?
You know what? He was amazing.
I thought he'd be upset, but no, he was very excited and very supportive.
No, he's being-- He was absolutely great about it.
Anyway, I-I'm calling to say I can't make dinner tonight.
Oh, you're kidding. It's gonna be great.
Everybody in the Madison Square Garden organization's gonna be there.
Look, there's no way I can get away.
The architects are here and the Dorians are in town from Paris.
And, uh, the architects fly back to Milan tonight. I can't.
All right, well. I'll tell you what.
What I'll do is, I'll go home and I'll put Max to sleep.
I'll spend a little time there and then--
Then-- Oh.
Uh, look, let me-- I'm gonna call you back. I got, uh--
I'm gonna call you back. Oh, geez.
- It's just against our policy-- - I understand!
- If you wanna wait right here. - Whatever.
- Lenny, there's someone here to see you. - Lenny!
- Uh, yes. Uh, c-c-come in. Come in. - Lenny!
Th-This is Miss Gildersleeve. She's an acquaintance.
You know her?
- Gildersleeve? - Yes, Miss-- Miss Gildersleeve.
We're old-- It's okay. It's okay. I'll be in here.
- You don't need anything? - No, no! I'm fine.
- Okay. - I'm fine.
- What are you doing here? - Lenny? Lenny, I got to talk to you.
Ricky threatened to-- to-- to hurt me. He--
- Who's Ricky? - He takes a percentage of my work.
- He's a pimp, right? - No, he's like a business representative.
What do you need a business repre-- You-- You--
All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts. You're not a conglomerate.
Lenny, he said he was going to cut me up...
because I told him I didn't want to work anymore.
Well, I think it's a great idea that you want to phase out.
- He has no qualms about killing me. - Ohh.
Listen, we'll call the police. That's not a big deal.
How can I call the police with my setup?
You know, I told you a thousand times...
you're in a hazardous business.
So that's what happens. Now, so-- Don't go outside.
I'm not going outside. I thought, just maybe, if you could talk to him.
- Me? What, are you nuts? - Yeah, because--
Because you're smart and bright and you got a way with words.
I can't talk to him. I don't even know the guy.
Yeah, well, he knows it was your idea that I get out of the business.
So he said he's gonna kill you too.
- He said he was gonna kill me? - Yeah, 'cause it was your idea.
He's gonna cut up my face and put a bullet between your eyes.
Really? Did he-- Did he specify the caliber?
Listen, I just thought maybe you could just reason with him.
No, I can't. I-- Listen, I never told you this,
but I got a-- a slight heart murmur...
and right now it's murmuring "hide."
I don't believe you're a coward.
Only in actuality. Um, this is not for me.
- Lenny, I need your help. - No, I'm not a violence person.
I-I write about hockey and boxing and football.
You know, this is not my world.
Lenny, I do want to quit like you said, but he said he's not gonna let me!
- He's gonna hurt us both. Please! - Relax, relax.
What do you want me to do? How am I gonna talk to him?
- Well, okay. You just-- - I--
You just talk because you're smarter than he is and stronger than he is.
You're a much better man. So just remember that when you talk to him.
He's a little bit intimidating. He's got a bald head and an earring.
- But you'll win. I know you will. - Jesus, I-- I--
You're a good man, Lenny. You'll win.
Look, in case anything comes up,
I want you to know that I-I'm type O-positive, okay?
Derek, I got the feeling you came here and obviously moved...
into this whole Knick persona.
Did you get caught up, maybe, with a little bit of this Knick,
Excuse me.
"I gotta be physical, I gotta be tough," and maybe--
I'm, uh, I'm Lenny Gildersleeve.
I-- I'm a friend of Linda-- Linda Ash's.
And, uh, I thought that perhaps we could--
See--
What I want to discuss with you is that...
there comes a time in the life of every young woman,
not just Linda, but everyone,
that they-- they want to perhaps make a change in their life.
They maybe want to settle down or explore alternative lifestyles.
I don't think you've been a very good influence on Linda, Mr. Weinrib.
Weinrib. Right. So Gildersleeve is a name I use for business purposes.
- I got an investment in Linda. - No question.
I honor that. But-- But by now, she's probably...
repaid you tenfold or twentyfold or--
Don't be so fuckin' sure,
'cause you don't know what the fuckin' numbers are!
That's a point well taken. Excuse me, you're-- you're-- Excuse me.
I-I-I understand what you're saying. Is that a Pellegrino?
Can I-- Because you've bent my throat now a little bit.
And, uh, the windpipe used to hang straight until this moment.
The fuckin' Knicks suck!
They need a good shootin' forward.
Yes, well, there's gonna be a three-way trade.
I don't know if you guys heard anything about it.
Seattle, Atlanta and the Knicks are talking.
Bullshit.
No, no, no. I kid you not. I know. It's in the air.
Yeah?
- They're discussing a trade. - So what do you think about the Nets?
- You think the Nets got a chance? - The Nets? Yes, I do.
If they're injury-free, I think they have a good chance.
I like the Nets. I think they're one or two years away, is all.
I would say two or three myself.
You see, we have a common interest, the three of us.
- What were we talking about? - Linda, Linda Ash.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That girl's goin' no place.
She walks on me, I'll disfigure her and I'll fuckin' kill you.
See, that's exactly what Dr. Kleinholtz would call "acting out."
Don't tell me how to run my fuckin' business!
I'm not!
My girls do what I tell 'em to do.
Far be it for me to advise you.
You obviously have a work ethic that's specific to your needs.
That's why you can afford an establishment like this, you know.
You're gonna take that from him?
Take it easy. Take it easy.
I'm about to have an out-of-body-experience here.
- Show strength. - Show strength?
This guy's gonna put me into 27 separate Mason jars.
The girl was right.
They respect strength. They despise cowardice.
Power is all they know. Stand firm.
- Remember brave Achilles. - Hey, don't get--
Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have a full Achilles body.
Go on!
Look, I'm gonna level with you.
I want to discuss this Linda Ash thing and I-I--
What are you so interested in Linda for anyway, huh?
Are you fuckin' her?
No, we have a strictly platonic relationship.
- Yeah? - It's a good shirt.
Well, if you're a friend of hers,
don't be putting stupid ideas in her head.
She's liable to get hurt.
You too.
You're gonna let him do that to you?
Hey, look. Would you do me a favor and go back to Athens?
You gonna let your son's mother remain a white slave to this two-bit pimp?
It-- It's starting to look that way, isn't it?
- You get them Knicks tickets yet? - No tickets.
I tried everywhere.
Do you need tickets to the Knicks game? Because I--
Why? Who do you know?
Me? I-I can help you.
We want seats on the floor, next to the movie stars.
If you want to discuss a deal with Linda, I can get you courtside seats.
You can't get 'em. Nobody can get 'em, 'cause I tried.
No, I can, though. I-- I'm a sportswriter. I can get 'em.
I'd fuckin' give you my mother for courtside seats,
much less this cheap little whore.
That's perfectly put, succinctly put. I know what point you're making.
But if you're tryin' to fuckin' pull something,
Easy. Take it--
I will shoot you and her through the fuckin' eyeballs!
It's silly to haggle over details.
Well, I'll get the tickets. I'll get the tickets, I promise.
Then we can discuss Linda.
Dad, are you very brave?
Am I brave? It's funny you should ask that question.
Who'd win a fight, you versus Mike Tyson?
What? What? Who would win what?
Who'd win a fight, you versus Mike Tyson?
Me versus Mike Tyson? Who do you think would win?
You?
There'd be no contest, you know.
He would probably take the early rounds, but I'd get to him eventually.
I'd chase him all over the ring. It's my style. Always was.
On the whole, I think it will work. Yeah, I think it will.
The only thing is, I want the gallery to be lit from above,
so I guess the skylight will have to be enlarged.
- Honey? Bed? Could you? - Me or him?
Him. Please?
No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't do this. I can't.
- Why are you fighting this? - 'Cause I'm married and I have a family.
A-And I love Lenny.
I love him.
So, who are you trying to convince, you or me?
- I got you a present. - You're kidding.
Yeah. For fixing things up with me and Ricky.
- I know he can be really rough. - That was completely unnecessary.
Very sweet, but completely unnecessary.
You didn't want a blow job, so the least I could do was get you a tie.
Good thinking. That's uh-- Oh!
Yes, it's a tie, isn't it?
- Would you ever wear anything that bright? - If the occasion demanded.
You know, like if I ever get invited to the Mardi Gras, I could--
Oh, good. Lenny, do you want a sandwich? I'm gonna have a sandwich.
- No, I'm fine. Thank you. - Oh, okay.
- It's great. - Good.
You know what, Lenny?
I couldn't get your son's picture out of my mind.
- Well, he's a very cute kid, you know. - Yeah.
Len?
I think I would be a good mother.
I think you'd be a great mother. You're very affectionate.
Yeah?
I would like to start over again. Maybe have a house. That would be nice.
It would be great, you know. I think it'd be fabulous.
- And you could do it. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - The problem is, now, finding the right guy.
I need to find somebody who'll love me, you know.
Somebody who'll take care of me and respect me.
Well, I'll keep my eye open.
You know, maybe-- maybe-- who knows?
The only thing is, Len, he'd have to be as smart as me.
I'm sure there's somebody out there, you know, that can--
- You'll find an equal somewhere. - Yeah?
And don't worry, Len. I gave up on you.
- M-- - I knew it couldn't be.
Let me tell you, at my age, if I made love with you,
they would have to put me on a resuscitator.
Ha.
This is Max.
- Max. - This is my kid.
- How old are you? - I'm five.
- You're five? You gonna be a fighter? - Yeah.
Max is gonna be a middleweight when he gets older.
He's gonna be a heavyweight, the way you're carryin' him.
I'm gonna teach you how to box, Max. I'm gonna show you a combination punch.
One-five, one-five. Two, three and four, you're gonna get.
- Hey, Ray. This is my kid Max. - How you doin', Max?
Max is gonna be a middleweight when he gets older.
Maybe a heavyweight? Yeah, I think a heavyweight.
- You wanna go hit the bag with me? - Okay.
- Nice kid. - He's a doll.
So, what's with the Sanchez thing?
Is he gonna win that? Is he training? Is he not training?
He can do it. He's in the best shape of his life.
Yeah?
The only thing is, you don't know what these guys do outside the gym.
Well, that's the point. You hear all these stories.
He'll be all right.
Hey, Kevin, come here. I wanna introduce you to my friend Lenny Weinrib.
He's a sportswriter. He writes about boxing.
How you doin'?
- Listen, I'm gonna get warmed up, all right? - Show us what you can do.
- My hand's still a little sore. - Wrap it up good. You'll be okay.
- I don't know that kid. - This kid can move. He hits good too.
Got nice hand speed, you know?
Only thing is, you don't know about these guys-- sometimes they lack desire.
I seen it a million times. I don't know if he's got the killer instinct.
Keeps talkin' about goin' back upstate where he comes from on an onion farm.
He wants to be an onion farmer. You believe it?
That kid's a farmer?
He's an onion farmer, yeah. I don't know how long he's gonna stick around.
That's the problem. It's a shame too; he hits like a fuckin' mule, he's fast!
But he wants to quit boxing, go back and hang out on the farm.
You know, retire.
And the worst thing of all is, his girlfriend left him.
- She quit on him. - Really?
Took him for everything he's got.
He's a nice, sweet kid, but between you and I,
he ain't got too much upstairs.
They're all alike. Hey, Len, what's the matter with you?
Looks like you got somethin' on your mind. I don't understand.
Hey, Bo!
This-- This is the left, and this is the right.
- Right? - Yeah, yeah, Kevin, that's right.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
- Hi, Lenny. I'm so sorry I'm late. - It's okay.
- It's starting to rain. - Oh, I don't have an umbrella.
I met a guy this afternoon that I think would be absolutely great for you.
- Perfect. - For me?
- Yes. He's young, he's strong, he's healthy. - What does he do?
H-H-He's, you know, like, dicking around in agriculture.
What's wrong with his dick?
No, no, no, he's a farmer. The guy's a farmer.
- You met a farmer? - Yeah, an onion farmer. It's great.
- Where? - At the gym.
What the hell is an onion farmer doing at the gym?
He's-- He's f-finishing a-a-a very productive career as a boxer.
A boxer? Oh, Lenny.
No, he's-- Look, he doesn't want to be a boxer anymore.
H-He's-- He wants to meet the right girl and be a farmer.
Don't look at me.
He's per-- His brother has a big onion farm upstate.
And just think of it, you know!?
It'd be so great.
A small town, and you're-- y-you're hairdressing and, and raising kids.
What small town?
- Wampsville. - Where?
Wampsville. It's an old Indian name.
I-I-It's a place rich in American heritage.
Are you off your fucking rocker?
I'm gonna go marry an onion farmer and do hair in Wimpsville?
Wampsville, not Wimpsville.
It's so perfect. He's a nice, sweet guy.
Oh, come on. Forget it.
He's perfect, though. He's bright-- You'll think he's bright.
- He is a fucking onion farmer. - That's okay.
He's a nice kid. More important, he's honest and decent.
And don't offer to give him a blow job in the first five minutes,
- 'cause he thinks you're a hairdresser. - You lied?
- I-- - You shouldn't lie.
Just do what I'm telling you. Just listen to me for once.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm off the girls, Lenny.
I mean, the last girl I was with she cheated me out of all my dough, man.
I'm telling you, this is a nice kid, Kevin. She's nice.
- This the hairdresser you told me about? - This is the hairdresser.
I gave you a big buildup.
This girl could have her pick of any guy she wants.
- I said good things about you. - What'd you tell her?
I told her you were handsome, a good-looking guy;
that you're a great athlete; that you're gifted, bright.
Well, you didn't lie.
Would I lie? Of course not.
You told her I could fight?
I told her, but what touches her heart...
is that you want to be a farmer.
This is a girl that has a love of the soil, I promise you.
Onions. Onions. My brother's got an onion farm.
I wanna go back up there 'cause I wanna get the hell outta this city.
That's perfect! You mention onions to Linda, she goes crazy!
She goes nuts, you say "onion."
You say "onion" to Linda, the girl is just--
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
That's her name? Linda?
Linda. It's a pretty name. What are you so, so, so standoffish--
- Is that with an "E-R" or a "U-R"? - Is what with an "E-R" or--
- "Linder"? - Linda. Linda with an "A." Linda.
She's a great kid.
And she's a substantial woman.
This is not a dumb girl.
This girl has got a PhD in-in-in... root and follicle culture.
- And she's pretty, right? - To die. She's to die.
'Cause that's important. 'Cause I've been stung.
The last girl I was with drove me up the wall, man.
- She made my stomach sick to the stomach. - Linda is church people.
- That's what I want. I want a church girl. - She's great.
I want a nice church girl;
I don't want one of these fast New York sluts.
I want a nice, homely girl
who likes to raise a family and dogs and all that kind of thing.
Can I say two words to you? Can I say two words?
Butter churn. Okay?
Butter churn. This is a pioneer girl.
This is a girl who is practically, incidentally, a virgin.
What do you mean, "practically"?
I wanna level with you-- sh-she's slept with one or two guys in her life.
An old college professor...
a-a-and her childhood sweetheart.
But both of them were killed in combat for their nation.
- It's a sad story. - A professor got killed in combat?
Humanities regiment.
You know, they were the first ones to land at Anzio. I'm telling you--
You said she was an actress? She's been in some films?
- She's had a couple of good roles, yeah. - She's ever been in anything I seen?
Hey-- You didn't see Schindler's List?
No, no, no-- T-That was-- That was-- That was the one with the Jews and, um--
- Who were the bad guys? - The blond guys were the Nazis.
- They were tough motherfuckers. - Yeah, all right.
I'm telling you, this is a good girl. She's wonderful.
He's playing God.
It would be nice if he could bring this off.
It's hubris!
He spent a lot of time preparing her.
Listen, have you, uh--
given any more thought to what we discussed?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I mean-- Look, the problem is, I don't know how I feel anymore; I'm confused.
- I-- - Listen, Amanda, I love you.
Yeah?
You're never gonna be able to forgive yourself if you don't give it a try.
Kevin.
This is Linda. Linda, this is, uh--
This is Kevin.
- How you doin'? - Hi.
So...
I'll go and-- I just wanted to bring you guys together, you know.
You know, you could maybe stick around, maybe.
You know, we could go out or somethin'.
- Yeah. - No, no. I'm completely superfluous.
Oh, you don't feel good?
No, I'm superfluous. I'm completely unnecessary.
You guys can have a great time and I'll-- I got stuff to do, you know.
- I got these for you. - What are these, daisies?
That's great.
That's nice.
Yeah-- Ye-- Yeah.
I thought you said that he was a farmer.
Well, he is-- He's a farmer.
I know they're not onions. They're not onions.
Daisies make me sneeze, Lenny.
Come here a minute. Excuse us one second.
They're beautiful flowers.
Tell him that they're beautiful and enjoy yourself.
- I could hold the flowers. - I know, but they just make me sneeze.
She sneezes with flowers.
That's good luck! It's good luck if you sneeze.
I'll hold the flowers.
- Thanks. - Go ahead, have fun. I'll see you guys.
I'm gonna go.
Take care.
So, y-- you're pretty.
Uh-- He's... tellin' the truth.
- You're really... - Oh.
Pretty.
- Thanks. You're not so bad yourself. - Yeah, I know.
I bet you're hung like a horse.
- Yeah, I can ride a horse. - Yeah?
You know, my brother's got a farm, you know. I love animals.
I like animals. He's got a farm up there with the ducks and the pigs and, um--
Oh, yeah. In Wisconsin.
Wampsville.
I had 16 fights and I won them all but 12.
- Oh, I'm impressed. - Yeah.
How long were you doin' hair?
Well, I'm just getting started now.
That's right, 'cause you were doin' the acting, right?
- Yeah. - That's right.
I didn't get to see Schindler's List.
Me neither.
But what were some of the other films you were in?
Well, I did The Enchanted, uh--
- Salad. - The Enchanted Salad?
What was that about? Is it good?
Yeah, it was really good. It was about a waitress.
Yeah.
- I had a really good time with you tonight. - Did you?
- Yeah. - Really? Me too.
Yeah, you're really good at arcade games, you know.
Well, I used to date a pinball champ, not for nothing.
Pinball ch-- Was it, like, a serious relationship?
Well, we were getting engaged, but then two guys strangled him.
- You know what I like in a woman? - What?
I like, like, um, an old-fashioned girl, you know,
like my-my mom.
You know, like, a girl who likes to take care of the house
and cook and clean, you know...
and doesn't mind, you know, walkin' the dogs and, you know,
doin' the lawn and that kind of thing.
You know what I mean? That's like my mom.
Yeah.
What do you like in a man?
I like a guy who has a good job,
who treats me nice and, um--
Well, who's kinda built like you.
Doesn't have to stuff a sock in his jock to look good.
- You know what my dream is? - What?
I'm in a field, right?
And, like, this hawk comes...
and picks me up in his beak, right?
And then flies me, like, all over the world so I see everything.
And then, like, he flies me out of the country...
and, like, we go up to the north pole and he drops me...
in the snow.
And I'm just layin' there...
naked.
What's your dream?
My dream is that somebody would come along and think that I was special,
that, you know-- that they'd wanna come and change my life for me.
That's my dream.
You could have that.
- You think? - Yeah, I think.
You could definitely have that,
a pretty girl like you.
So, you think, um,
I'm gonna get to see you again, Linda, or what?
Do you want to?
A lot.
I want to a lot.
Me too.
True love. As refreshing as spring.
They kissed good night.
And saw each other the very next night, and the next.
Hold it, everybody. Something's coming in.
- A bulletin! - Uh-oh. Here comes Miss Party Pooper.
Tiresias, the blind seer of Thebes.
- I have a vision of him and Weinrib. - Where?
Wait.
The Acropolis.
Oh, Weinrib.
I saw your wife.
- Amanda. - You know me?
Yeah. I saw her. She was workin' late at the gallery.
And with her was this, uh, Jerry Bender guy.
Well, that's nothing. She works with Jerry Bender. Nothing unusual.
- You didn't let me finish. - Go on.
Uh, they spoke in intimate tones...
and then, uh, Bender rose and laid a big wet one on her.
- A big we-- Bender kissed Amanda? - That's what I'm tellin' ya.
Hey, you must've known somethin' was going on for a while, huh?
Yeah, I always thought that Bender had eyes for her.
Now he's got eyes and hands.
Jesus-- Well, Amanda didn't respond, did she?
No. She just opened her mouth very wide and stuck her tongue out...
as far as it was humanly possible to go.
Jeez-- Are you sure?
Well, hey-- Does the Trojan horse have a wooden dick?
And then she, she pushed her abdomen against his.
All right, all right!
I got the picture! I knew it! I always suspected.
Ah, it's somethin' you don't wanna know,
but you hadda be blind not to see it.
- Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna confront her. - Oh, no, not in front of Max!
No, Max-- Max has got a sleep-over date at his friend's house.
No. I knew it. Down deep, I knew it.
Uh, thanks, Weinrib. Thanks.
Ah, thank you. God bless you.
Oh, my God! It's more serious than we thought!
It's very serious. Her marriage to Lenny is in crisis.
With the passage of time, even the strongest bonds become fragile.
Great, fellas. It sounds like a fortune cookie.
O Zeus, most potent of gods!
We implore thee! We need your help!
Zeus! Great Zeus! Hear us! Hear us!
We call out to thee!
Um, this is Zeus. I'm not home right now.
But you can leave a message and I'll get back to you.
Please start speaking at the tone.
Call us when you get in! We need help!
God, I think I should move out.
I-I-I can't understand this. Wh-Wh-- This is so radical.
No, 'cause I can't cheat.
- Jerry Bender's in love with me. - This is crazy.
And what are you telling me, that you're in love with him,
you're in love with Jerry Bender?
I don't know. I-- I gotta find out.
What do you mean, "you don't know"?
I don't know!
What do you mean "you don't know"?
Are you in love with him or not?
Anyway, Lenny, let's face it-- things have changed between us.
But we can fix things.
And what about Max? You know, Max--
He'll be okay.
Maybe it will be better for him with us apart...
instead of together and arguing all of the time.
That's crazy.
I just think that's crazy.
Well, I-- I can't have this conversation.
I-- This is too crazy. I'm--
- Where are you going? - I'm going out. I have to think.
I have to get my thoughts together.
- I been waitin' for you, man. - Kevin, leave me alone.
- I'm in a very, very bad mood. - You're in a very bad mood?
How the hell could you do this to me?
How could you set me up with this stupid girl, man?
What are you talking about? Whats wrong with you?
What am I talking about!? What's wrong w-- You didn't tell me she was a hooker...
and that she did porno films and had sex with hundreds and hundreds of men...
and women and who the hell knows what else!
I--you know, I thought it would prejudice you.
What?
How did you find out?
I-I call my friends up and I tell 'em, you know,
I got this girl that I wanna marry and, you know,
They have me over for a few drinks and a party
and my friend Ray puts in this sexy video.
But I'm not really into pornography, you know.
I look upon the screen and this actress is up there: Judy Cum.
Kevin, I told you she had dramatic aspirations.
I flew off the handle.
Oh, Christ. I thought you were a broad-minded guy.
I came over here and she confessed to everything, and then I--
and I hit her.
- You hit her? You hi-- - I was gonna break your neck, man!
- I don't believe this. You hit her? - I don't believe this!
- You hit her? For Christ's-- - A little bit.
God.
I called my mother. I was upset, you know,
so then she says I should come home.
So I'm gonna get the hell outta this place, man.
I don't understand you.
You're a broad-minded guy. People change. You gonna hold her past against her?
- Yeah, I'm gonna-- A porno star! - You love her, she loves you!
- What are you talking about? - Forget it, man. It's over.
I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin.
You didn't tell me how many times though!
- Thanks for nothin', Lenny, man. - Kevin!
Nah, man!
He hit me.
I know, I-- I ran into him downstairs and he--
Oh, Jesus, look at you.
God, does it feel terrible?
No, not really. Just my ulcer.
Your ulcer? Well, you know, you shouldn't be drinking.
That's the worst-- Oh, God, look at that.
Boy.
Remember you once said we were a couple of losers?
Yeah.
Well, I think that's definitely true.
Why? What happened to you?
Amanda left me.
Oh. I'm sorry, Lenny.
Would you like a drink?
No.
What's, uh-- What's-- What's the matter?
I-- I don't know.
Was she great? You can tell me.
Was she-- Was she great in bed?
A woman with all that experience.
I don't know.
I just know that suddenly I really miss Amanda.
But wait! See who approaches!
There you are! Where have you been?
I've been looking for you all over.
I was just out drinking and thinking about everything.
Oh, Lenny, I'm sorry.
I, uh-- I was up all night thinking how much I hurt you...
and how much I'd messed us up for good,
and the thought of not being with you.
I love you.
I don't love Jerry at all.
We have to put things right, whatever has to be done.
And as for Linda,
she drove upstate to Wampsville and pleaded with Kevin to take her back...
but to no avail.
Anyway, on the way home she was distraught and felt life held no hope...
when-- talk about a deus ex machina--
So we just had a stabilizing problem and the thing got a little off balance.
And then the radio went glitchy,
so I just need to get down and use a phone.
And thank you very much, by the way, for stopping.
My name's Don.
And so Linda married.
To a wonderful man who was not uptight and repressed and accepted her...
and even laughed at wild tales of her promiscuous background.
And so our little Greek drama comes to--
Wait, wait, wait. There's more.
What more, Tiresias, blind seer of Thebes?
Tell 'em just to call me Tiresias, will ya?
The handicapped are always cranky.
On that night, Lenny Weinrib and Linda did make love,
like he was Zeus and she was Aphrodite with an aphrodisiac.
Get to the point!
The point is, Linda did, that night, conceive a child.
No!
Yes. She became pregnant with Lenny's child.
But not wanting to complicate his life with Amanda, she never told him.
Instead she went off with her new husband,
who stood behind her loyally as she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
Lenny never saw Linda again.
And then, one fall day in New York...
We can look around the whole store if you'd like.
- Lenny! - I don't believe this! Wh--
- Hi. - What are you doing here?
- I-I-- - I'm stunned! What happened to you?
I-I'm living in Connecticut.
I'm married and my husband Don is a helicopter pilot.
You're kidding! Where did you go? I searched every place for you.
It's like you vanished off the face of the earth.
Well, we had our moment.
But I knew you would be back with Amanda.
I can't b-- That's super.
S-So y-you're married and-- This is yours?
Yes! Look at her.
Oh, God, she's adorable.
She's adorable. Very, very--
And is-- Is that Max?
This is Max. This is Max.
- Hello. - Max, say hello. This is a friend.
- Hi, I'm Linda. - How do you do?
Nice to m-- What a handsome boy.
Amanda must be very beautiful.
And she's-- You've gotta have a very handsome husband,
'cause she has a great face.
I'm stunned. I don't know what to say. I'm, I'm--
- Lenny, it's so great to see you. - You too. You're okay? Everything--
Yeah. I'm really good.
Thank you for everything.
Oh-- I-I-- I'm speechless.
I-I-- I gotta go. I'm sorry. I'm gonna be late.
- It was great to see you. - It was great to see you. Great.
But they have each other's child.
And they don't know.
Yes. Yes. Isn't life ironic?
Life is unbelievable.
Miraculous. Sad. Wonderful.
Yes, this is all true!
And that's why we say: