[♪♪ The Barber of Seville ♪♪] [ by Rossini ]
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro,
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro.
Figaro!
Son qua.
Hey, Figaro!
Son qua.
Figaro qua, Figaro là, Figaro qua, Figaro là,
Figaro su, Figaro giù, Figaro su, Figaro giù.
Pronto prontissimo, son come il fulmine, sono il factotum della città.
Della città, della città, della città, della città.
Phew!
Ah bravo Figaro, bravo bravissimo, ah bravo Figaro, bravo bravissimo.
A te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà.
La la la la la la, la la la la la la, la la la la la la, la la la la.
A te fortuna, a te fortuna, a te fortuna non mancherà.
Sono il factotum della città.
Della città, della città.
Della città.
Oops!
Salutations, snack.
Yipe.
On second thought...
Yiiipe!
9-1-1! 9-1-1!
Police! Civic authorities! ASPCA! ASAP!
Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped!
No, birdnapped!
A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet.
Eat your heart out, Julia Child.
Excuse me.
But isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call?
In your case, I think not.
Afternoon snacks have few civil liberties.
But I'm not wholly without heart.
How about a nice soothing cigarette?
Pah! Pah! Pah! Agh!
Ugh!
Oh, I will not do this. I cannot!
Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer.
No! My lungs are blackened!
Here we go again. Cut, cut, cut! Roll it back.
- Help me... - What are you doing? Daniel...
That line is not in the script. Why did you add it?
Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
What situation?
The fact that Pudgie the parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth
- is morally irresponsible. - This is a cartoon, okay?
This is not a friggin' Oprah Winfrey Special.
Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon.
It's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "Light up."
You can't put words in Pudgie's mouth if his mouth isn't moving.
Well, it's voice-over. An interior monologue.
Maybe even the voice of God.
Pudgie, don't smoke.
- Actors. - What?
Well, let's ask the technicians.
You think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
They're biased. That's a mistrial.
Daniel, listen to me.
This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars.
Now, if you want a paycheck, stick to the script.
If you want to play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.
Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
That's pretty funny. Where the hell are you goin'?
Hey, listen buddy. I'll tell you something. If you leave, you're not comin' back in.
I'm not takin' any crap from you, pal.
Well, in the words of Porky Pig:
P-P-P-P... P-P-P-P-P Piss off, Lou.
- So what about that history test? - Don't ask.
- Did you have fun in school? - I painted a picture...
- Oh, yeah? - of a... of a rainbow.
- Dad? - Dad?
Daddy!
Yow!
Oh!
- I thought you couldn't pick us up. - Well, I got off early.
- You mean you got fired? - No, I quit.
For reasons of conscience.
Actors?
Hey dude!
Congratulations on your 12th birthday, all right.
Got a surprise for you.
- A stripper? - Ooh, please!
- Two strippers? - Hoo-hah, boy!
- A party? - Yes!
- No. - Yes.
- No parties.
Mom said you couldn't have one because of your report card.
Mom's not gonna be home for another four hours, is she?
Prepare yourself... for the wild kingdom. Huh?
What? No, no, no.
Coming up toward the very end. There she goes. And she wins that race.
Come on off now. Here we go. Ohh!
You want to feed him?
Look! See if this guy will.
Want some?
Oops, oops. Sorry.
Shoo!
Get out!
Shoo! Shoo!
- Gregory, Henderson and Hillard. - Miranda Hillard, please.
I know what you're going for with these murals,
but perhaps if they weren't so large.
And let's do steel windows, not wood.
Uh huh.
Eliminate the Oriental rug. Let's try an Aubusson carpet.
More pink than red.
- I like that. - Good idea.
Union Square Inn. Ah, this is better.
More Arts and Crafts. A Dirk Van Erp lamp, a Stickley chair.
Don't be seduced by chintz.
Excuse me. Miranda, can I speak to you for a minute?
- Yes. Excuse me. - Certainly.
Just be one minute.
I just got off the phone with a Stuart Dunmeyer.
- Stuart Dunmeyer? - Uh huh.
He said you were acquaintances.
- Stuart Dunmeyer? - Yeah. He's putting millions of dollars
into restoring that old Wellman mansion on Nob Hill.
He wants to make it into a $500-a-night B&B.
Yes, I read about it.
- He's been doing very well. - Uh huh. That's him.
And he specifically asked for you, Miranda.
- He did? - Yep.
So, I told him you'd get in touch with him first thing tomorrow.
Yes, I will.
Miss Hillard?
The operator has a Gloria Chaney on hold.
- She says it's an emergency. - Excuse me.
Gloria?
- Oh, my God! - Is this your residence, ma'am?
Yes. I'm sorry to say it is.
Are you aware that it's illegal to possess
animals of the barnyard nature in a residential area, ma'am?
What if you're married to one?
Also, we're responding to a noise ordinance violation.
Believe, I'm going to respond myself.
I'm awfully sorry about this. I'll get back with you.
You ate my begonias! God!
Get out of my way!
Oh, shoo! Get! Get!
Hah!
Miranda! Whassup?
You're home early, girlfriend.
Havin' a birthday in the house.
What the hell is going on around here?
Don't get mad, honey. Listen.
You're home a little early.
I-I was gonna have everything clean up before you got home.
Honey...
What-what? Honey, what are you looking for?
Honey, I-I'd be careful. That pony had a lot of water.
Ugh!
Party's over.
Oh, that's great. She called you, you bust the birthday party. That's great!
Don't you dare make me out to be the monster here, Daniel!
Don't you dare!
You have all the fun and I get whatever's left over.
Oh, you chose the career, Mrs...
I have no choices here, Daniel. I have no choices!
Even when I try to do something fun, you have to do it ten times bigger!
I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts,
You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after!
Oh, I'm sorry. But, it's not toxic waste, just a few party plates, huh!
Why am I the only one that feels there has to be rules?
Why do you always make me out to be the heavy?
Well, I don't make you to be anything. You do it yourself quite naturally.
- You set me up, Daniel, every time... - I don't.
- to be the bad guy. - Oh, lighten up, will you?
Just realize you're spending too much time with those corporate clones
you used to despise.
I spend too much time with you, Daniel. It's over!
It's over.
Come on, Miranda.
Listen, We've got problems, but who doesn't?
We could work 'em out. What are you talking about, it's over?
We've been trying to work them out for 14 years.
Come on, please.
Listen. Maybe, we need some help, OK?
Maybe, we can go to a family therapist. They'll help us pull through this together.
It's too late for that.
Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family.
Get you away from work.
You're a different person, you really are. You're great.
Oh, Daniel. Our problems would be waiting for us when we got back.
We'll move, and hopefully our damn problems won't follow us.
Daniel, please don't joke.
OK.
We... We've just grown apart. We're different.
- We have nothing in common. - Oh, sure we do. We love each other.
Come on, Miranda. We love each other.
Don't we?
I want a divorce.
No.
We can't. We're a family.
You know?
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, Ma. He told me all about it.
Yeah, Ma. I heard, I heard.
I want to talk to him. What...
- Well, yeah, he's here. - No.
Frank?
Ma, he's not really in the mood to talk.
He's depressed or what?
Yeah, depressed. You know? I mean, his marriage is ending.
My marriage is not ending. It's just on hiatus.
Talk to him. I mean I do. I really want to talk to him.
Ma, I think he's in a little bit of denial.
No, we're taking good care of your little boy.
Don't worry, Mom.
- Hi, Evelyn. Thanks for the jam. - She says you're welcome.
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, that beige concealer. You know, when are we gettin' more of it?
- Next week. - You hear that, Ma? Next week.
- Well, I'm so glad. - Wait, hang on.
- Enough already. It's a man. - How would you know?
- Bitch. - This is your mother you're talking to.
No, Ma, not you. I was talkin' about the dog.
Ma, listen. Uh...
- We got people waiting for us on the set. - Same thing all the time.
Oh, yeah. It's a busy life, Ma.
- Places to go, faces to paint. - I know. But, tell Daniel that I...
- Yeah, I'll tell him, Ma. - I wanted to come...
- Don't worry, I'll tell him. - I would love it.
Yeah. Hold on, Ma.
She wants to know if you want to come stay with her.
No way.
He says he'll think about it, Ma.
- I will. All right. I love you, too. - Love you.
- Bye, Ma. - Bye-bye.
Hey, listen, you know you could always stay with us just as long as you want.
Thank you. But I'm OK, really.
I mean, this is... this is just a temporary thing.
I know Miranda. It's gonna blow over.
Mr and Mrs Hillard, although these custody proceedings tend to favor the mother,
we also realize, perhaps now more than ever,
that it is not in a child's best interest
to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father.
However, since at the present time
Mr Hillard has no place to live and no employment,...
it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs Hillard.
- Congratulations. - No.
Mr Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.
- Can't you do something? - He's made his decision.
Isn't it traditional to say "I object" or something?
Your Honor, please.
You mean, every Saturday? That's one day a week.
That's not enough.
I have to be with my children.
It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir. Please.
I know it seems like a lot, but for me it's not enough. Really.
I haven't been away from 'em
for more than one day since the day they were born.
Mr Hillard, I would like to add that this ruling is only temporary.
Oh, good.
I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case.
And there will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days.
- I'm giving you three months, Mr Hillard. - Thank you.
Three months in which to get a job, keep it and create a suitable home.
If this proves to be a possibility for you,
I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene.
We're adjourned.
Well, it looks like there is a little light at the end of our tunnel, heh?
- That's all my stuff. - This is all my fault.
God, no. Why would you think that?
I should have never had a birthday, Dad.
- This never would have happened. - Yes, it would.
It was an accident waiting to happen, OK?
You did nothing wrong. You got that?
OK, gimme five.
You're the man of the house now.
Don't be messy. OK?
- You can't go now. - Honey, I have to.
We're in the middle of Charlotte's Web. Who's gonna finish it?
Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
She's not as good.
She always skips parts, and she never does the voices.
She smells funny, too.
That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.
Hey, come here.
Oh, oh. Heh.
It's the same as always. We just have a really big backyard, OK?
- I love you. - I love you.
OK.
I'll miss you.
Saturday comes real quickly.
I'll miss you.
Ditto.
Oh, Dad...
- Take care of her. - OK.
Goodbye.
Thanks for the time, warden.
Bye, Dad.
As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things...
- Your living environment... - It's more like a habitat, really.
And I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it.
Well, I'll put on a chicken.
Of course, there's always the job issue.
This is the nearest employment office.
I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you.
Thank you.
Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills?
Oh, yes. I do.
I...I do voices.
What do you mean that you do voices?
Well, I do voices.
Yes!
We're on this planet looking for intelligent life.
Oops, we made a mistake!
We're happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
I want you in the worst way.
Well, this is certainly a rough meeting.
And it's not going very well for me, I tell you that.
Hey, boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
Look at me right now, Moneypenny.
I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
I'm crazy to make a deal with you!
Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.
They're doin' it! I'm sittin' on a gold mine!
Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I ought to do it.
I do a great impression of a hot dog.
Mr Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
I used to.
There was a time when I found myself funny.
But today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.
Listen, bottom line...
I need to be with my children.
And I'll do anything to do that.
You just tell me what to do.
- Excuse me. - Yeah.
- You Tony? - That's me.
Hi. I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.
Follow me.
Oh, films! Will I be introducing these movies on air?
- Not exactly. - What do I do?
Well, you take all these cans. You box 'em and you ship 'em.
Then you box those cans over there. Ship them. Then more of them will come in.
You box those, you ship those.
Any questions?
After you box 'em...?
You ship 'em.
Lots of luck, smartass.
I think I made a friend.
Miranda.
Stu!
Hello, Miranda.
- It's been a long time. - Yes.
Umm, Mr Dunmeyer's come by to look over your sketches.
Umm.
Let me show you to the conference room.
As you probably know, the estate was built in 1876.
Now, these sketches are meant to reflect your desire to have it completely restored.
You look better than ever.
The lobby will resemble a music salon
with a great deal of inspiration from the French Second Empire.
I was thinking a 17th-century grand piano...
You realize I've been following your career in the trade these past couple of years?
A tufted sofa, a Flemish tapestry, a brass-bound Regency-style table...
I'd love to get reacquainted.
Catch up.
Mantel clocks.
Fringed, upholstered chairs, heavy drapes.
Can we talk? Over dinner, maybe?
Stuart, thank you. I-I...
I... uh... I'm at the beginning of a divorce.
It just didn't work out.
- Oh, Miranda, I'm sorry. - You don't have to say that.
No, really. I mean, I never held any grudges or anything. I just...
Well, I always hoped you'd find happiness.
Oh, God, that's so nice.
I mean, I was just worried about coming in here
I-I thought I might scare you off the project.
Oh, no, no. Of course not. I...
I'm a professional. I-I'm...
I was flattered that you thought of me after all these years and everything.
Yeah, everything.
Well...
Ancient history.
Yeah.
I'm late. I've got a meeting over at the bank.
Oh.
Can we talk? Maybe later in the week?
- Sure. - Good.
It's good to see you again.
Phew!!!
Mmm... Good, huh?
I know the place doesn't look like much now, but...
It'll be OK. How do you like it?
- Nice. - It's OK.
Detestable.
Hey, just give me some time.
I'm not too comfortable with this new lifestyle.
Neither are we.
I know it's hard, sweetie.
Can't you just tell Mommy you're sorry?
Wish I could.
You know, grown-up problems...
They're a little more complicated, Nattie.
How is the old battle-axe?
- Your mom. - She's fine.
Oh. I'm glad to hear that.
I'd hate to think that she came down with amoebic dysentery or piles.
What's amoebic dysentery?
Nat, it's some kind of an infection in your tummy
where you get diarrhoea for ever.
- Diarrhoea for ever? - It's not...
And your body dries up and you die.
You die?
You don't have to be so graphic with her.
I read about it in a science book.
Why would you want Mommy to die?
Oh, honey, I don't want Mommy to die.
Then why did you say that?
Look, Dad, you're not trying very hard.
We only get to come here once a week. That's not very much.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'll try harder.
Nattie,...
I'll think good thoughts, OK?
About Mommy?
I'll try. I really will.
- And call her a princess. - Oh, yes.
And right now I feel like a toad.
Daddy's a toad.
- Well, that's Mom. - No. That can't be. She's an hour early.
- Come on, Nattie, we gotta go. - OK.
No, no, no! Come on. Sit down, sit down.
Sit down!
You don't have to run off when she honks the horn.
Come on, you're on my time now.
You're my goddamn kids, too!
Come on. Hey.
Hi.
Oh, Daniel... Charming.
Thank you, Miranda. I was going kind of for a refugee motif.
You know, fleeing-my-homeland kind of thing.
But look at you!
This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. What's your Indian name: Shops With A Fist?
- Are my children ready yet? - No, our children are not ready yet...
...because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.
Daniel, I'm really sorry; but, I don't have time for this, all right?
I have to go to the bank and the market.
I have to drop something off at the newspaper office.
- I'm sorry. - Newspaper? Oh.
Are you taking out one of those personal ads?
"DWF seeks WWM with BMW, into light B&D"?
I'm placing an ad for a housekeeper.
Housekeeper? Why do you need a housekeeper?
I need someone to be there when the children get home from school,
to clean, possibly start dinner...
- How much are you gonna pay this person? - $300 a week. Is that all right?
May I see the ad?
- Miranda? - All right.
Just let me look at the ad. I have a right as their father. Please?
All right. Here you go. Anything else you wanna see?
- Are you offering? - Not any more.
What's the change?
- Are you guys all right? - Yeah, Mommy. We're fine.
Oh!
Hey, Miranda? Why don't you let me take care of the kids?
I'll pick 'em up after school,
they can be with me for a couple hours,
then drop them off at your house after work.
- Yeah. - Oh Mom, that'd be great!
- Please! - Look. The kids love it.
Mommy, please.
I'll think about it.
We're his goddamn kids, too.
Kids say the darndest things.
Thank you.
Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five-year-old, Daniel?
Uh!
Come on, everybody get their coats.
Come on.
- Put them on and let's get out of here. - OK, Mom.
I would say go to the bathroom before we go,
but I don't think that's a good idea.
Wait.
Hope you didn't eat much of that.
Come on. Don't forget anything. I don't wanna come back.
- All right. - OK.
Come on, let's go.
- See you Saturday. - Say goodbye to your father.
Bye, Daddy.
- Here's your ad. - I'll get my purse.
Yeah, you'd better.
Hello.
Are you calling in response to the ad?
- Tell me, who was your previous employer? - I was in a band. Severe Tyre Damage.
- In a band? - I just wanna know one thing.
Are your kids well-behaved,
or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?
Umm...
- I'll have to get back to you. - Wow!
Ja, my name is llsa Himmelman. And I want to know how many children do you have?
- I have two girls and a boy. - Oh, a boy!
I don't work with the males cos I used to be one.
Yikes.
- Hello. - Aigh!
Leyla, get back in your cell! Don't make me get the hose!
Hello?
I am job.
- Do you speak English? - I am job.
I'm sorry. The position has been filled.
Oh, what a nightmare!
Let's go in for the kill.
- Hello? - Hello.
I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.
Yes. Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Oh, certainly, dear.
For the past 15 years I've worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England.
That's Smythe, not Smith, dear.
And for them, I did housecleaning, cooking,
and took care of their four glorious children.
Boy, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years,
but they grew up, as children tend to.
Oh, but listen to me.
I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.
- Well, I have two girls... - Oh, two precious gems.
No doubt the jewel of your eye.
And one boy.
Oh, the little prince. How wonderful!
I must tell you, there would be a little light cooking is required.
Oh, I don't mind that, dear. I'd love some heavy cooking.
But I do have one rule: They'll only eat good nutritious food with me.
And if there's any dispute about that,
it's either good wholesome food or empty tummies.
That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.
No! Umm...
Would you mind coming on an interview? Say, Monday night at 7:30?
- Oh, I'd love to, dear. - Wonderful.
I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.
Steiner. Oh, how lovely!
- Could you tell me your name? - My name?
I thought I gave it to you, dear.
- No. - Oh!
- Doubtfire. - I beg your pardon?
Doubtfire, dear. Mrs Doubtfire.
- Well, I look forward to meeting you. - Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.
- Bye-bye. - Ta-ta.
Showtime.
- Daniel, hi. - Could you make me a woman?
Honey, I'm so happy!
- Oh, come here. - I knew you'd understand.
- Is this gonna hurt? - Don't whine. Just relax.
- Are you sure? - Just remember, pain is beauty.
OK, here we go. Take a deep breath.
- Instant eye lift. - Wow!
And you'd never see the strings are under the wig.
The man has five-o'clock shadow at 8.30am. And you worry about the strings?
All right, we'll start with make-up.
- I'm not gonna wax. - Don't worry. We'll just lightly spackle.
- I feel like Gloria Swanson. - You look like her mother.
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr DeMille.
OK, everyone.
Let's pray.
I hope you are using Jungle Red because that is only the color I love.
- Hmm. Matches your lips. - God bless you. You know, umm...
I'm feeling fabulous because I met this beautiful Cuban.
- Uh-huh. - Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
I don't know.
This would scare the children. You think so.
I don't know. Maybe this is too much for them.
I think we have to go to the next level.
Latex.
Oy, it was such a shandeh.
I should never buy gribbenes from a mohel.
It's so chewy.
No, I know I feel like Bubbee. This is not working.
Daniel, this isn't a working. But, don't worry, it's work in progress
and you're my brother. I will never let you be embarrassed.
God bless you.
I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.
But look at this nice thing though we have here.
♪ Matchmaker, matchmaker ♪ ♪ Make me a match. ♪
♪ Find me a find. ♪ ♪ Catch me a catch. ♪
♪ Don't tell me not to live, ♪ ♪ Just sit and putter, ♪
♪ Life's candy and the sun's ♪ ♪ A ball of butter. ♪
♪ Don't bring around the cloud ♪ ♪ To rain on my parade. ♪
It's not working. I need to go older.
Older? You mean, like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?
- What's the difference? - Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
- What about Joan Collins? - Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
- All right. - But I have some plaster.
Are we close?
Any closer and you'd be Mom.
Yow!
That's disgusting!
That's the most revolting thing that I've ever seen.
Awesome.
What is this? Turn it off, will you?
Come on. Everybody over here. I want you to meet this lady with me.
I want you to be polite to her, then... tell me what you think.
Everybody stand over here and help me decide what to do.
Hello. Mrs Hillard, I presume.
Yes. I'm Miranda Hillard.
Euphegenia Doubtfire.
Oh. Yes. Won't you please come in?
Thank you, dear.
- And these must be the cherubs. - Yes.
- This is Natalie. - Oh, hello, Natalie.
- Are you wearing bug spray? - Oh!
- Nattie! - Oh, it's quite all right, dear.
No offense taken. I was a little liberal with the atomizer.
And at my age, dear, you know, it's like a good Stilton.
Everything does have its own aroma.
I admire that honesty, Nattie. That's a noble quality. Never lose that.
It often disappears with age or entering politics.
Look at that face. You remind me of Stuart Little,
one of the most honorable creatures in all of literature.
- Do you know that book, Stuart Little? - Yeah! It's one of my favorites.
Oh! Mine, too!
Maybe I could read it to you - if I get the position.
- That would be wonderful. - Agree.
And who is this strapping young lad?
- This is Chris. - Hello, Christopher.
Hello.
Jeez, you're big for a lady. You could play for the 49ers.
Well, I was a fullback. But that's European football, dear.
- Soccer? - Yes. You play soccer, too?
- Yeah! - Oh, isn't that amazing?
Yes, I was captain of the women's team. We won three university championships.
Oh, but that was decades ago!
But I was more disciplined back then.
I always put my studies ahead of my athletics.
I'm sure you're the same way.
I'm sure you got all your homework done already.
- No, not exactly. - Really? Oh. That's a pity.
Because young men who don't do their studies
often miss out on more amusing activities.
- And who is this young lady? - This is Lydia.
Hello, Lydia.
This isn't fair, Mom. Why do we need a housekeeper anyway?
Oh! This is all I need.
Look, why can't Dad do it?
Excuse me, dear. But, I don't think it's appropriate
to argue with your mother in front of a perfect stranger.
If you don't mind me ssaying so.
I just don't see why we can't spend the extra time with Dad.
Maybe she's right, dear.
Maybe their father would be a more appropriate person.
- No, I don't think so. - Really?
It's not my fault, honey.
If he would get a job and a decent apartment...
- You see, he's the kind... - Excuse me, dear.
I'm sure you normally would encourage the children to step out of the room
before you verbally bash their father. Hm?
If I did that, I might never see them again.
- I'm sorry. - That's all right.
- You're right. - No harm done.
You're absolutely right.
I'm not a therapist. I just see what I see. They're yours.
Why don't you guys go on upstairs? I'll be up in a minute.
- It's lovely to meet you. - Yeah, nice to meet you.
You too, Lydie.
- Oh, they're a spirited bunch. - Yes.
Especially that Lydie. She's got daggers for you.
I know.
- They're very upset with me right now. - Probably the divorce.
How did you know?
Well, you can sense it, dear,
- the way she talks about her father. - Really?
I don't think he's in the Navy, really, the way she's saying she misses him.
You know it. She wants him here. It's like he's nearby.
- Yes. - Oh, that's so sad.
- Would you care to have a cup of tea? - I'd love that.
- It's right in here. - What a lovely home you have.
- Did you decorate this yourself? - Yes, I did.
Oh, it reeks of taste! Isn't this lovely, dear!
Thank you.
- Here's my résumé. - Oh. Thank you.
- Let me start this tea. - Oh, no, dear. Let me get that for you.
You've had a hard day.
You just sit yourself down there on that stool and leave the tea to me.
Thank you. That's very nice of you.
Oh, not at all, dear.
- Oh. What a wonderful résumé. - Oh, thank you, dear.
"Expert in first aid and CPR."
And Heimlich manoeuvre, dear.
You can never be too prepared when you got little ones are around, you know.
Because they'll swallow anything. You've got to be ready to pop it out.
Oh, let's see.
Oh!
What a perfectly appointed little cubby!
Look at this. Everything has its place and name tag.
How precise! It's lovely.
My husband never appreciated it.
Oh. Poor dolt.
That's not the reason you divorced him, was it?
No.
It's so sad, because marriage can be such a blessing.
So can divorce.
Daniel is a very difficult man to live with.
Huh.
But the children are crazy about him.
You don't have to be a psychic to sense that.
My, you certainly do know your way around a kitchen!
Oh.
It's just because everything is so accessible.
You designed it.
I'm amazed that there isn't a little label there that says "spoons".
You remind me of someone.
Really? Who?
I feel like I've known you for years.
Maybe we knew each other in another life.
I would love for you to come and work with us.
- So would I. - Great!
Oh, it would be an honor.
To us.
The start of a business relationship.
Good evening, dear.
Evening, ma'am.
Cold night, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Hope you have something nice and warm to go home to.
My back.
Jesus!
If I find the misogynistic bastard that invented heels, I'll kill him.
God...!
Excuse me.
Mrs Sellner!
Have we met?
No.
But Danny's told me all about you.
I'm his sister.
His... much older sister.
- You have his eyes. - Only if he fills out a donor card.
- Is Mr Hillard in? I have an appointment. - Do you? Oh, that's wonderful.
Let me go up and get him and he'll be right down.
- I'll come with you. - No.
- Yes. - Why?
Because I have an appointment on Monday and Friday evenings to check the apartment.
I remember him saying something about that.
Are you sure you want to walk in, dear? It's three floors, hoofin' it all the way.
- If you can do it, I can. - I'll bet so!
- Is your ticker all right? - Topnotch.
Oh, good! Cos I don't want to jump-start you.
Damn door.
Come in, please, dear. Sorry about that.
Here we are. Daniel's abode.
Ah!
Oh, that's mine, dear. I'm a messy house guest.
Well, just make yourself at home. I'll be right back.
He'll be back. I'll go get him.
Don't be afraid. I'll be right there. Danny!
Danny boy, where are you? Oh, here he is, dear. I found him.
Danny, there's a Mrs Sellner here to see you!
- Oh, is she here? - Yes, dear, she is.
Oh Mrs Sellner, I just got out of the shower!
I think you'll be very pleased with me!
I've been through some really interesting changes!
And I'm becoming a new man and a model father!
He'll be right there. He's just changing, dear.
Yes, I want to keep you abreast of the changes in my career!
There have been two big developments! I'm finally starting to come into my own!
Things are really starting to take shape, and I'm blossoming! Really, I am!
Things were hairy for a while, but oh, I'm in great shape now!
I'm my own man now! Oh, yes!
A job I could really sink my teeth into!
I'll be right there, Mrs Sellner!
So nice I don't have to save face any more, Mrs Sellner!
Agh!
Mrs Sellner! How are you? Always a joy!
If you wanted some cheese, why didn't you just say so?
Well, I know you'll be happy to know that I now am holding down two jobs.
One for an educational film and TV company - heavy responsibility.
- And the other? - Cleaning houses.
Not mine.
- Big girl! - Your sister is English?
Oh, she's half-English, half-American.
Half-sister, really.
So, that makes her about eighth English. I don't know. I've never done the math.
Let me see, my father was American. He flew for the English during the war.
He was in London and... he met this lovely Englishwoman.
Well, my sister was the fruit of their passions.
- Ah! - Sorry.
My sister's, not yours.
You see, she's not a very good housekeeper.
But she makes a fabulous cup of English tea.
- Really? - Really.
Well, I would adore a good cup of English tea.
Oh! Wouldn't we all! I'll go get her.
Sis! Oh, sis!
Sis, are you in here?
Tea? Cup of TNT.
- Shit uh... - Mom!
Oh!
My face!
Oh... Oh!
I've gotta go down and get it.
Oh...
Norman Bates!
Miss Hillard?
- Yes, dear? - I take sugar in my tea.
Oh, your tea!
Good! I'll be right there with your tea!
Coming right up, dear! Sugar - one lump or two, dear?
- Two, please! - Tea, sugar, hot water.
You got ow! it Coming right your way, dear!
I'll be right there with your tea!
No! Stop!
Oh. Oh. No!
Oh, shit!
Oh.
Ouch!
Oh!
Can I give you a hand?
Oh, no, dear! I don't need a hand.
I need a face. A face.
- Are you sure? - Oh, definitely!
I'm not a Muslim. I need a face! A face! Oh, God.
Miss Hillard?
The water's boiling.
Hello!
Ah!
Oh, I'm sorry to frighten you, dear. I must look like a yeti in this get-up.
This is my nightly meringue mask. Part of my beauty regimen.
What it is, it's basically egg whites,
creme fraîche, powdered sugar, vanilla and a touch of alum.
There you go, dear.
Oh, there you go! You've got your cream and your sugar now.
It's a little cappu-tea-no.
One drop or two? Would you like another?
Oh! There you go!
Oh, as you can see, I can't stay with you, dear.
I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.
There we go again! I'll go get Danny, all right?
He'll be right with you. Hold on.
- Danny! - Coming, sis!
- It was lovely to have met you! - Lovely to meet you.
Had a little accident.
Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman.
Why wasn't I an only child?
- Oh! I'm sorry. - That's quite all right.
Here we go.
Ready? OK.
- Did you have fun? - Uh huh.
- What did you do? - I painted a picture of a bunny.
And the teacher liked it.
- He did? - Uh huh.
Here it is, Mel. A $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?
- Well, Alan, I was wondering if... - You want one of them?
I'd rather make a coat for my wife.
Oh, pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.
All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds.
- It's homework time. OK? - Yeah, but... after Dick Van Dyke.
No.
Now.
No.
We always watch Dick Van Dyke.
Really? Well, not any more.
The only thing you'll be watching is Deep Sea-N-N.
Now,
I know you're used to loosey-goosey.
But I run a much tighter ship.
Between the hours of 3pm and 7pm, I'm in charge.
And when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule.
Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.
- Punished? - She's lying.
She'd never punish us.
Don't... fuss with me.
This is exploitation. It's not fair.
- Shut up, Lydie. - Yeah. You got us into this.
Ooh, my little ankle-biters.
Do I sense dissension in the ranks?
Are we ready for homework, or shall we continue manual labor?
No. Anything but this.
Right. Then upstairs, my little nose-miners.
Go. Flee before me!
Onward and upward!
Go pump some neurons.
Expand your craniums.
- I miss Dad. - Me, too.
Me most.
I'm here, guys.
In some form.
Let's see.
OK. Pinch of basil.
Oh!
Damn!
Oh, ah!
Mayday!
Oh, God! It's gonna blow!
Oh, wait.
Easy. Easy. Oh.
Damn. Calm down.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Come on. Hey, hey, hey. Sh!!
How is it? Oh, my God! It's clotted.
Oh, God.
This hollandaise smells like burnt rubber.
God, it's hot in here.
Ah!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ow! Ow!
Look at this!
My first day as a woman and I'm getting hot flashes.
- Hey, here's your food, lady. - How much do I owe you?
- 135.27. - 135 dollars?!
- That's certainly... - And 27 cents.
Four dinners. 20 bucks extra for rushing us.
Rushing? Well, you could have been a little bit faster, dear.
- There's 140. Do you have change? - No.
I thought you wouldn't. Thank you very much.
Hello!
Anybody home?
- Where were you guys? - Upstairs, doing our homework.
Mrs Doubtfire said we had to.
Oh, she did, huh?
Doing your homework. How great!
- Hi. - Hi, honey.
Look at this place! It looks wonderful! All spick-and-span.
Wow!
Dinner is served, madam.
How lovely!
Mrs Doubtfire?
Lydia, dear. Get back inside right now before you freeze.
Look... I just want to apologize for being such a pain today.
- Oh, dear, it's all right. - No, I'm really sorry.
It's just... I'm still kind of messed-up.
About everything.
We all are, sweetie.
What?
I just mean I understand the pain you're all going through.
Yeah.
Well, I also wanted to thank you.
- For what? - For making my mom so happy.
Oh.
She hasn't been in this good a mood since...
I can't even remember.
It's been a long time.
- It has? - Yeah.
Well, I...I gotta go back in, but...
- Go. - OK. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Bye. - Bye.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
Well, milady! It's a pleasure to see you again!
A joy, as always.
Uh!
I like that Mediterranean look in women.
Natural. Healthy.
Just the way God made you.
But, he broke the mould when he made me, dear.
He made me very special.
He sure did.
Bless you.
Oh!
Oh! Good!
I am not a crook. I am not a crook.
"She kissed Stuart and thanked him. "
"'How was it down there? ' asked Mr Little,
who was always curious to know about places he'd never been to. "
"'It was all right," said Stuart.
Oh!
Back off, asshole!
Beat it!
Broke my bag, the bastard.
Oh.
Lover boy's here.
What a beautiful little car for Don Juan!
So sad when that happens!
It was our junior year in college, OK?
And your mother got asked to design this big float.
- I wasn't that young. - I went to kiss her...
Elastic bands were flying out everywhere. Hit you in the face.
- That's not true! - It was like Jaws.
- Isn't that the pretty picture! - Oh. Mrs Doubtfire.
Miranda. What a pleasant surprise to see you home so early, dear.
- And who is your gentleman caller? - This is Stu.
- He just wanted to come and meet the kids. - Oh, did he?
Ah, this must be the famous Mrs Doubtfire.
- It's a pleasure to meet you. - Oh.
Yes, well... Miranda's been raving about you.
- Odd. She's never mentioned you. - No?
- No. - Well... It's good to meet you.
- You, too. - Yes.
I have a home in London. I was born there. What part of England are you from?
- Here and there, dear. All over, really. - Yes?
- Accent's a little kind of... muddled. - Really? So is your tan.
Oh, no, dear.
You know, can you help me with something? I found this outside.
Yes. This is off my Mercedes.
Off your Mercedes, dear? You own that big, expensive car out there?
Oh, dear. What they say a man who has to buy a big car like that
tries to compensate for smaller genitals.
But not in your case, cos I see that you're a strapping lad, aren't you?
- It was lovely to meet you. - You too, dear.
Mrs Doubtfire, may I speak with you for moments?
Ooh, certainly, dear.
Could you stay a few extra hours this evening?
Stu. That's more of a thick soup than a name, really.
It's a name. It's short for Stuart.
- Is it? - Yes. He's a client. And a friend.
- He was... he is a friend. - What is he?
- I don't know what's happening. - Oh, what is it, dear? Just take...
- Isn't he fabulous? - Oh, kind of, dear.
If you like that handsome, rugged type.
But personally, I prefer short, furry and funny.
He just wants to go out and have a drink.
And I think that's pretty harmless. Don't you?
Oh, absolutely not, dear.
'Cause they always have other intentions.
Well, this is business, mostly.
I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
Dear Miranda. Wake up and smell the coffee, dear.
Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes?
It's too soon, dear. Really.
You've got to give your divorce time, dear.
Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, all right?
Mrs Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
Oh, certainly, dear.
How long after Mr Doubtfire passed away...
- Winston. - Winston.
...did you feel any desire...
- Never. - Never.
- Never again. - Never again?
Once the father of your children is out of the picture,
the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
- Celibacy? - Yes.
And if you violate that, heaven forgive you.
Good luck.
Thank you.
"Preponderance."
P-R-E
P-O-N
D-E-R
A-N-C-E.
Bravo. "Discriminate."
D-I-S
C-R
I-M-I-N-A-T-E.
Oh, that's very good.
Will you excuse me, dear? Call of nature.
All right.
Check those. I'll be right back.
Oh. Sh...
- Oh, God. - Oh, God!
- Oh, my God! - Chris! Wait!
Lydia! Lydia, come on. We gotta call the cops!
- We gotta dial 911 now! - Why?
Well, Mrs Doubtfire. He's a she! He's a she! He's a she, see.
- What?! - Ah! Ah.
- He's half man, half woman! - What?!
Yes, I awear.
All right, everyone. No, just calm down.
- Freeze! - Just relax, please.
- Or you're gonna get it! - In the balls!
Yeah!
- She's got 'em? - She's got everything.
All right. Listen to me.
I'm not... who you think I am.
- Ah, no shit! - Watch your mouth, young man!
Oh, my God.
Dad?
Yeah.
- Dad? - Yeah, honey.
You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do you, dad?
Well, some of it's comfortable. No! No.
It's a pain in the padded ass.
This is not a way of life. It's just a job.
I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work. You know.
You know, it's...it's the only way I could see you guys every day.
- Who did this? - Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
It's really you in there.
Yeah.
It's just a mask.
And this is a body suit. I didn't have any operations or anything.
- It's good. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh. Hey.
Sorry I scared you.
- Come here, Chris. - No. No, it's OK.
I get it.
I just, you know, don't hug you or anything.
Not just yet.
That's cool. It's a guy thing.
Yeah.
Well, now that you know, you can't tell Mom, OK?
Cos if she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass. OK?
And we can't tell Nattie, cos she'll blow my cover.
So you have to promise me, it's just us. All right?
- You promise? - Yeah.
It's OK.
All right? It's our little secret.
Most of the dinosaurs were herbivorous.
But this Tyrannosaurus rex
is a carnivore.
The reptile-like Saurischia
Saurischia
and the bird-like
Ornithischia.
Now, we're going to go
where no human being has ever been.
Oh, no.
As we continue our deam with free history.
Which one's the dinosaur?
- The one in the middle, I think. - Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct.
I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane.
They should have a little disclaimer that says:
Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show.
It's incredible.
This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid.
It's amazing.
He has the warmth of a snow pea. It makes Mr Rogers look like Mick Jagger.
That's insane.
What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?
Me.
You?
Jonathan Lundy.
Jonathan Lundy, General Manager, owner?
Daniel Hillard, former employee.
- Ah, maybe. - Huh?
That's funny.
Listen, I-I don't mean to criticize. I just, you know, sometimes I have...
Criticize all you want. The show's terrible.
- Oh, Mr Lundry... - No, I'm gonna cancel it.
It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule.
- Come on. - Nah, he's gone.
- You know what you gotta do? - What?
Maybe, just um... you know, start from scratch.
Give it kind of uh... maybe a musical number.
You know, imagine a little...a little Tyrannosaurus rex comes out you know...
- Hillard? - Yes.
Get your ass to the truck.
That shipment's gotta make a six o'clock flight to LA.
Tone, this is Mr Lundy.
- He knows who I am. - Yeah.
Did you ever wish that sometimes you could freeze-frame a single moment in your day,
look at it and say "This is not my life"?
Miranda. What are you home early for, dear?
I had an appointment. Oh, thank you!
With the court liaison. Mrs Sellner.
Oh.
- I can't believe it. - What, dear?
She says that Daniel has some woman living with him,
- pretending to be his sister! - Oh!
I told her he doesn't even have a sister.
Oh, Mrs Sellner's probably mistaken.
Oh, she's a social worker, dear. Really!
And besides, how could he replace you?
And so quickly. Really!
She's supposed to be older and very unattractive.
Really? Oh.
Mrs Doubtfire.
- Yes? - Did you and Mr Doubtfire ever...
You must have had your share of problems.
Oh, of course, dear. What marriage doesn't?
But I always say: The bad times fade away,
and the good ones adhere themselves to your memory.
- Yes. Excuse me. - That's all right.
Oh.
As I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston.
God rest his soul.
When did he... pass on?
Eight years ago, dear.
This November.
What happened?
- He was quite fond of the drink. - Ah.
It was the drink that killed him.
How awful! He was an alcoholic?
No. He was hit by a Guinness truck.
So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
- How tragic! - Yes.
Oh.
But he was a good man, though, really.
A sainted man.
And despite his mountains of faults,
Still I always say: A flawed husband is better than none at all.
Who needs a husband when I've got you?
Oh, surely you don't mean that, dear?
- Well... - Oh, that's so sweet!
You can't imagine what it was like being married to Daniel.
Tell me, dear. What was so horrible about this man you lived with for 14 years?
Well, at first, nothing.
He was... He was so... romantic.
- So passionate. - Really?
He sounds like an absolute stud, dear.
Oh, I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but...
How was he... you know... on a scale of 1 to 10?
Oh, well. That part was always...
OK.
Just OK? Oh.
He was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
- What was the matter with Winston? - Oh, dear.
Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself. "
It was Daniel's spontaneity and energy I fell in love with.
Really?
Everyone else I knew was so organized, so scheduled.
Like me, I guess.
But Daniel was so wonderfully different. And funny. He could always make me laugh.
I always say: The key to a solid marriage is laughter.
But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
Why?
I was working all the time and...
he was always between jobs.
I hardly ever got to see the kids and...
On the night I would try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong.
The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up.
He never knew, but so many nights I just... cried myself to sleep.
Really?
The truth is,...
I didn't like who I was when I was with him.
I would turn into this horrible person.
I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that.
When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better.
And...
I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
Well, you never...
I mean...
Did you ever say anything to him, dear?
Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious.
Uh...
I used to think Daniel could do anything.
Except be serious.
But then, I was serious enough for everybody.
- Oh! - Oh!
- Oh, man. - This is great!
- Isn't this posh! - This is wonderful and amazing.
- Wow! - I'll bet it's very exclusive.
Probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Amazing! - Oh, Nattie.
Not a single body that exists in nature. Look at that.
- Lydie... - There's Stu!
Where? Oh. On the board there.
Oh, isn't he a stunning piece of work?
Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction. Hmm.
- Wow! - Wow!
I hope he had protection, you know.
He hit the water at that speed, God knows what happened.
- Oh, let-let's go say hi. - Let's do, please.
- That's amazing. - Stunning.
Oh, whoa, whoa! Hello.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! You look lovely! - Hi.
Oh, guys, I'm so glad you could make it.
Oh, by the looks of you, that water's so cold!
Yes, well...
Your tummy looks different from my daddy's.
- Oh, Nattie! - Well.
Not everyone has their own personal trainer.
Well, guys. You got your swimsuits? You wanna go for a dip?
- Oh, great. - That'd be great!
- Good! How about you, Mrs Doubtfire? - Oh, you wicked, wicked man!
Isn't there enough flesh here for you to feast your eyes on?
Come now, Mrs Doubtfire. Don't be bashful.
Oh no, dear. I think they've outlawed whaling.
- We'd be re-enacting the Titanic. - Come on, Mrs Doubtfire.
Oh, no, no, no. Just go, go. Leave me here. I'll just sit in the sun and crisp.
I don't think you can get heatstroke twice in the same year.
OK. Well, let's go, kids. Swim time.
Go, go, dear. I'll be fine.
Come on, come on. Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire.
- Anything you need, put it on my tab. OK? - Oh, thank you, dear.
Touch me again and I'll drown you, you bastard.
Oh, I'll just sit here and watch you move in on my family.
Hello, hello!
Hey!
Oh, God. What am I doing here? This is beyond obsession.
Oh, God.
- Yes! - Yeah!
- OK. - Nice.
OK, Natalie.
- Is everything all right, ma'am? - Fan-bloody-tastic.
- Can I have another? - Sure.
Great.
- Yes! - Oh, OK, Chris.
- Yeah! - All right, Nattie.
Hi.
Soda with a lime, please.
- It's on me. - No, thanks.
Four iced teas, Todd.
So, whose rugrats?
Miranda Hillard's.
- Miranda Hillard? - Uh huh.
The woman I'm seeing.
No kidding? You? The guy who's never having kids?
Won't have anything to do with kids? You won't even date a woman who's got kids.
People change, Ron.
I'm pushing 40.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.
She's got an awful lot of baggage though. Three kids.
Three terrific kids. And I'm crazy about them.
Especially little Natalie. Look at her.
She's a sweetie pie. Ah!
God knows.
They need some kind of a stable father figure in their life right now.
Thanks Todd.
Well, what about their real father?
Ah, what can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. I'll see you.
Loser? Oh, yeah?
Oh, sir!
I saw it!
Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them?
Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting.
I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.
Oh.
Good waste of juice.
Loser.
What are you looking at?
Hi, boys and girls.
Today we'll be talking about dinosaurs.
It's A Dinosaurus Line!
Daa, dadadada, dadada.
And please welcome... the king!
Dong-dong-dong, dong-dong-dong.
Dong-dong-dong.
It's a dinner show. Dong-dong-dong.
Hiya! Hi! Where you from? Hi! I'm gonna make you lunch.
Thank you very much. Thank you! All right!
Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together!
Please welcome... James Browntosaurus!
Pum-pum-pum-pum.
♪ I eat wood ♪ Tin-a-tin-a-tin-a-tin
♪ It tastes good ♪ Tin-a-tin-a-tin-a-tin
♪ No meat ♪ ♪ Big feet ♪
♪ I eat wood ♪ Pum-pum-pum-pum. Ow!
Oh, I got to help myself! Can't go on! Can't go on!
I'm going extinct!
Oh, thank you, James.
But right now...Yo! It's time for the Raptor Rap!
♪ I'm a raptor ♪ ♪ Doing what I can ♪
♪ Gonna eat everything ♪ ♪ Till the appearance of man ♪
♪ Yo, yo, see me ♪ ♪ I'm living below the soil ♪
♪ I'll be back ♪ ♪ But I'm coming as oil ♪
Very impressive, Mr Hillard!
Ah, I didn't know anybody was watching. I was just playing. I don't think...
I was watching. That's funny stuff.
- Well, thanks. - I think kids'd like it.
They'd be entertained and get some information too.
Yeah, that's kinda my theory. I think you could, you know...
You don't have to play down to 'em, just play to 'em.
Listen, I'd like to hear some more of your ideas.
My ideas?
- How about a dinner meeting? - Wow. OK.
Next Friday. Bridges Restaurant. Seven o'clock sharp.
I'll be there.
Take five.
Take five million. You're dead.
Well, we've just had our first home-cooked meal.
I'm domestic now, huh?
- This is terrific, Dad. - You want some more spaghetti?
No, I'm stuffed.
How's little garlic bread? I made it myself.
Well, I didn't make it myself. I cooked it, you know. I sliced it.
- Yeah, it's OK, Dad. Thank you. - Thanks.
Hmm. The place looks great. The food's terrific.
I'm really proud of you.
Yeah. Me, too.
Me, too.
I'll be right back.
- Thank you for knocking. - Yeah.
Whoa!
Look at this!
I see you got someone to clean for you.
- No. - You?
- Hi, guys. - Hi, Mom.
- Are they ready? - No. They haven't had dessert yet.
- You cooked? - Yes. I cook, I bake, I sew.
Thanks to this Amish home study course, I'm doing quite well.
- I'm very impressed. - Really?
Give me a second chance. OK? Let me take the kids after school.
I can't get rid of Mrs Doubtfire. She's terrific.
Come on, Miranda. Why not?
She's the best thing that ever happened to us.
The kids are all doing better in school. Chris is passing every single subject.
He is.
I-I-I find myself getting home early just to be with them.
We're all doing so great.
P... Oh!
Sounds like an amazing woman. Too good to be true.
She is.
- I kinda like the black one. - Me, too.
I don't know. Actually... Mrs Doubtfire!
- Yes? - We need another woman's opinion.
Oh! Then I'm your woman.
Which one?
What's the occasion?
- It's my birthday. - Oh!
Stu's taking me out to dinner.
Oh!
- Neither. - Neither?
They're both too brazen, dear. They cry "harlot", really.
I mean, the red one is the traditional color for streetwalkers, dear.
And the black one is far too short. I hope you waxed.
They both say to me "I'm easy." And you don't want that, do you?
You want to be Kilimanjaro on your first date - inaccessible.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
No, let's find something more your own age, all right?
Something a little less tawdry.
Oh, let's see.
How about this lovely frock? Tasteful, elegant...
Don't you think?
And old. I wore that to my aunt's funeral in 1976.
Well, the classic never dies, dear. I think it's time to revive it.
- Well, I think we should ask the kids. - All right, let's do that.
What do you think?
I'd go with the short, black one.
Yeah. It's the most fun.
There. You see? I-I agree.
Fine. I get the frock out of here.
You ask my opinion, then don't take it.
I will not be held responsible for your virtue.
- Well, you'll be there to protect me. - Really?
Stu has invited you and the children to join us.
Oh, how lovely! One big, happy family.
I wouldn't miss that for the world! Should be smashing good fun!
Oh, I'm so glad.
When does this enchanted evening take place?
Friday night, seven o'clock.
- This Friday at seven? - Yes.
We're going to my favorite restaurant. Bridges.
- Bridges? - Yes.
- Friday at seven. - Bridges.
Sorry. Oh, uh.
Yes.
- Bridges? - Yes! Bridges.
- The restaurant Bridges? - Friday at seven.
- I can't. - Whay not?
Please, don't. No, it's bingo night, dear. Cancel it.
I can't do it. It's my turn to pull the balls at the rectory. I can't.
Mrs Doubtfire, please join us.
- Don't do that...do that, dear. - I can't have my birthday without you.
It's so important to me and the children that you be there.
You're part of the family now.
I can't have a birthday without you.
It would mean so much to me and the children, wouldn't it?
Please promise you'll come with us, Mrs Doubtfire. You just have to.
Who could resist that little face?
I promise.
- Thank you! - Oh.
Thank you, dear.
- Oh! Are you all right? - I'm Fine.
Mmm, let's see.. Nothing.
- Anything in May? - Not a thing.
It doesn't look good.
I'm sorry.
Mr Lundy is completely booked for the next two months.
Listen, I'll meet him any time, anywhere.
I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
Please. I can't cancel. I'll be blowing a huge opportunity.
Take my advice: Don't cancel.
Thank you.
Pardon me.
Come along, Nattie.
- Hi, hello, hello, darling! - Thank you.
Shouldn't you cover your shoulders, Miranda?
No! I'm fine.
- Good evening, Mr Lundy. - Uh, good evening.
Oh, God.
Here we go.
- Mrs Doubtfire, you look wonderful. - Thank you.
So is everyone. Come on. I hope you're all hungry.
Good evening, Mr Lundy.
I'm meeting someone. Has he arrived yet?
No, I'm sorry. He hasn't arrived yet.
But we can seat you. Smoking or nonsmoking?
- Nonsmoking, please. - Nonsmoking.
- Tanya will seat you. Table 15. - This way, please.
- Uh, reservation. Dunmeyer. - Yes, sir.
- Smoking or nonsmoking? - Nonsmoking.
- Smoking! - Mrs Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
No, I don't. But I did.
- Oh. - Oh.
Dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up
is to be around those who do smoke.
I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool.
Oh, and I know you're Mr Health.
Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.
- Smoking. - All right. Table 39.
- Table 39. - 39.
- Follow me, please. - My age! You're a saint.
Thank you very much for humoring an old lady.
Thank you.
- Oh, he's pissed already. - Mrs Doubtfire.
What?
- Would you like to join us? - Oh. I thought I saw Clint Eastwood.
That would make my day! He is such a stud-muffin.
Will you excuse me, dear? I have to check my wrap.
- Oh, I can do it for you. - Oh, no, please.
I'm fine. I'm quite capable of doing... Oh.
All right, dear. There-There you go. All right.
- Oh, and your bag too, ma'am. - Drop it!
Oh, I'm very sorry, dear. It's my medicine.
- I-I have to go take my medicine now. - Well, we have water at the table.
I can't take it orally, dear.
Would you forgive me? I'll be right back.
- Would you like something to drink? - Oh, yes. A good stiff Chardonnay.
I like 'em light and woody.
Hello. Bridges Restaurant May I help you?
Yes. My name is Daniel Hillard.
I believe Mr Lundy is expecting me for dinner.
Will you tell him that I'm running a little late?
I was caught on traffic, but I'm on my way.
- I'll deliver the message personally, sir. - Thank you.
Oh, oh, Stu!
- Oh. - I hope you like it.
Oh, it looks gorgeous! Thank you!
Oh!
Did I miss anything?
Well, yes. Look.
This is the gift that Stu gave me for my birthday.
Oh!
Isn't it gorgeous!
- You like it. - Is it real?
It is very real, Mrs Doubtfire. Very real.
You can either wear that or feed a small country.
That's so nice. So decadent.
Mommy, I need to go.
- Mrs Doubtfire, would you take her? - No. You.
- She wants you, dear. - Well, I'll be right back.
OK.
Yes, well then...
Children, look at that lovely dessert tray over there.
Why don't you go over and pick what you'd like now so they could reserve it?
All right.
- We'll be back. - All right.
That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.
Huh? Oh, thank you. Thank you.
A fella gives a gift like that,
he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?
Bit of a going-down payment, huh?
- Excuse me? - You know, dear. Sink the sub.
Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise?
Bit of the old humpty dumpty?
Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo? Huh?
Mrs Doubtfire...
The bone dance, eh? Rumpleforeskin? Baloney bop?
Bit of the old cunning linguistics? Huh?
Mrs Doubtfire, please.
Oh, dear. I'm sorry for being a little graphic. Sorry.
I hope you're up for a little competition.
I beg your pardon?
She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear.
It's her personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that.
She uses it and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie.
Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.
Oh!
I hope you bring cocktail sauce.
She's got the crabs, dear. And I don't mean Dungeness.
I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?
Forgive me. Oh!
It's the wine. Oh, gosh!
Be back in a flash. All right? My tiny bladder.
- Mrs Doubtfire! - What?!
- You're going into the men's room. - No! Oh, so it is!
I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry!
Hello!
Hah!
Jesus! God!
- Excuse me. May I have a menu? - Of course.
- What's France like? - France's very beautiful.
Thank you very much.
- Mr Lundy. - Oh, hi.
- Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message? - Yes. Sit down.
- How about a drink? - Oh, sure. I'll have what he's having.
All righty.
- Double Chivas on the rocks. - Double Chivas...
Bring him two doubles so he can catch up.
Two doubles. All right. I'll be right back.
Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kinda guy!
Gentlemen, start your engines.
OK, everybody. Are we ready to order?
Yes, I believe we are. All right, children, fire away.
Shouldn't we wait for Mrs Doubtfire?
Yes.
OK.
- Hmm! - Hmm!
- Ah! - Ah!
- Ah hah ha! - Ah hah ha!
- Come on. - How are we doin' over here, OK?
Oh, yes.
- One more for you. - Yeah, yeah.
Now...
What can you do to help the ratings on the kid show?
Bottom line: Don't patronize kids. You know.
They're little people. You gotta personalize it.
Make it fun and entertaining.
If it's something you'd enjoy, they'd enjoy it. Huh?
- That's what I'm interested in. - Bingo! Uh huh.
Well, I wonder what's happened to Mrs Doubtfire.
- We could cross over to the news. - Would you excuse me for a moment?
But...
- May I help you, ma'am? - Yes, dear. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Oh, oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
- Oh, my goodness! - I'm so sorry!
- Mrs Doubtfire, are you all right? - It's my fault.
My fault.
- Forgive me. Excuse me. - I'm all right. There we go.
Thank you. Oh, let's see here!
- May I take your order, ma'am? - Oh, yes.
Whoa!
Let's see. I'll have the poached salmon.
- Yes, ma'am. And you, sir? - I'll have the jambalaya.
And make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper.
Not spicy. Certainly, sir.
Thank you. Cheers. Your health.
Oh, my God.
So sorry about that.
Just one moment.
Carpe dentum - seize the teeth.
- Let me assist you. - Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
A spoon. Oh, how clever. Wait. I've got it.
Wait. Back up. There. Make a pincer.
Come at it from both sides.
- Together - up, up, up, up. Oh! - Here we go. That's it. Here we go.
Thank you. There it is.
Oh, just shake them off, like a dog.
Sorry. Oh, forgive me.
- That's all right. - Sorry about my spray.
I'll be right back.
I just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive.
Yes, and tell him to purée the salmon, if you will, please.
Purée the salmon.
Thank you. Sorry about that.
Oh, that one.
Oh. I didn't know there was someone else in here.
Sorry.
Damn it! Oh, there it is.
Oh!
Excuse me.
- Oh! - Red and this big.
Argh!
Mmm.
Where the hell have you been?
I took a liberty of ordering you another Scotch.
Bully!
- Daniel? - Huh?
Are you wearing ladies' perfume?
Yes, I am.
Are you wearing lipstick?
Yeah.
Why?
It rubbed off.
From whom?
A girl I used to date. And she's a waitress.
- A waitress? Here? - Oh, yeah.
On the way to the bathroom... Couldn't keep her hands off me.
- You dog! - You scallywag!
I got the stretch outside. Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
- Hey, it's the '90s. - No, no! I mean...
Does she have a lady friend for me?
- Go ahead. Ask her. - I'll go ask her.
Go on. Come on, go get 'em!
- Hey, Dan! Dan! - Yeah.
Hey, I need my order for table 39!
- Relax. It'll be out in a minute. - Thank you! Great. Geez.
39.
Come on. Table 39!
Hot jambalaya!
- Can I help you, ma'am? - Oh, sorry I'm late.
But after all those Scotches I had to piss like a racehorse. Hmm.
- Daniel? - Yeah.
Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?!
Oh, damn.
I...
Well...
I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.
Host?
Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear.
I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.
Surprise!
Oh, thank you very much.
- This looks terrific, heh? - Where's Mrs Doubtfire?
Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.
- Shall we start? - Yes. Yes.
Let's start. I don't want it to get cold.
- Go ahead. - Bon appetit, huh.
All right. Tell me. Why would Mrs Doubtfire be a good host?
I'm a hip old granny who could hip-hop, bebop, dance till ya drop,
and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
Stu?
Oh, he's choking. He's choking!
He's choking! Help us! Somebody help! He's choking! Help us!
Oh, God! Oh, oh, God!
- He's choking here! Call 911! - Oh, no. I killed the bastard.
He's choking!
- Mrs Doubtfire! Help us! He's choking! - Help is on the way, dear!
- Mrs Doubtfire! - Help is on the way!
- Mrs Doubtfire, he's choking! - Hold on, dear.
One more time, dear. Oh, no. Work with me!
Come on! Come on!
Uh! Uh!
My God!
Uh! Uh!
Come on.
I'm all right. I'm all right.
- Are you all right? - Yes.
Almost lost you.
- Dad. - Oh, my...
Daddy?
Yeah, honey. It's me.
Oh!
Happy birthday.
Oh!
Daniel...
Daniel! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
The whole time? The whole time...
- You would... The whole time?! - Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?
Don't talk to me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!
I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave!
We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going.
- You guys go. - I'm sorry, Dad.
Bye.
Sorry about the pepper. I was...
Yeah.
What are you lookin' at? Show's over.
Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?
Nothing further, Your Honor.
Mr Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney,
you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.
Your Honor, in the past two months, I've secured a residence,
I refurbished that residence.
And made it "an environment fit for children".
Those are your words.
And I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk.
So I-I believe I met your requirements.
Ahead of schedule.
In regards to my behavior,
I can only plead insanity.
Because, ever since my children were born,
the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them.
Once I held them, I was hooked.
I'm addicted to my children, sir.
I love them with all my heart.
And the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...
It's like someone saying I can't have air.
I can't live without air, and I can't live without them.
Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them.
You know I need that, sir.
We have a history.
And I just...
They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them.
So, please.
Don't take my kids away from me.
Thank you.
Mr Hillard...
You've been able to fool a lot of people into believing
that you're a 60-year-old woman.
No easy task.
And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine.
But I believe it to be a terrific performance
by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
- No. It's not that. - The reality, Mr Hillard,
is that your lifestyle over the past month has been very unorthodox.
And I refuse to further subject three innocent children
to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior.
It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs Hillard.
Oh, God! No, sir. Please.
You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.
- Supervised, sir? - Yes.
A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children.
I am suggesting a period of psychological testing
and perhaps treatment for you, Mr Hillard.
We will re-examine this case one year from now.
Thank you. Court is adjourned.
I don't do laundry. I don't do windows. I don't do carpets.
I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets. And I don't do diapers.
My children have been potty-trained for quite some time.
Well, I don't do washing. I don't do basements.
I don't do dinners. I don't do reading.
Ah!
Yes. Well, we have your number. Thank you so much for coming.
- We'll be getting back to you. - Thank you.
I'll show you to the door.
Yes, here we are. Please...
Laura, that shipment has been delayed three times.
- Well, shipments are late sometimes. - Yes, but...
Laura, I'm not gonna wait another six months for it.
OK, I'll try to...
You do that. Call me back.
Oh, guys, please don't be so depressed.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- I miss her spaghetti. - I miss her jokes.
I miss her stories.
Don't worry. We will find someone. There are plenty of people out there.
Nobody like her.
All right, I admit.
Things were a lot nicer when she was around.
The house was so warm and cosy and...
the beds were always made, and the dinner was...
She isn't real!
We have to stop referring to her as if she were a real person.
Hello, my dears!
We have a wonderful show today.
We have Mr Van Zandt from the Sierra Club,
and he's going to bring some animals that are endangered species.
- Do you know what that means, poppets? - Wait a minute. Did you say "puppet"?
Oh, no, dear! Oh, it's Kovacs! Welcome, Kovacs!
Hi, guys. Did you say "extinction"? Did you say something? Something stinks?
It's not something smelling bad. I'm talking about the extinction.
That means when there's no more of a particular animal.
- Oh, my God. - Doesn't that make you a little mad?
- Makes meery mad! - Well, tell people about it.
I'm mad! You know why? Because next, it's the chimps!
That's right, there are fewer chimps in the world than the year...
Doesn't it make you mad that humans play your parts in movies?
- Ooh! Cheated "Planet of the Apes" - Right.
Who gets this role? Roddy McDowall!
- Ooh, wee. - I'd be better than that!
I'd be better than Charlton Heston!
- And your rug is better, too. - Much better.
You could fly to Persia on that rug.
But, you know boys and girls?
Shall we tell them where we're going tomorrow?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They wanna know.
Tomorrow, poppets, we're taking a wonderful trip.
But you don't have to pack your bags because we're going in our mind.
We're going across the Atlantic Ocean to England, where I came from.
- You came from England, huh? - I did, dear. It's a wonderful country.
- Do you know about England? - I just know that it's an island.
It's an island, dear. And a glorious one.
Because they have a queen and they have a royal family.
Oh! Just like a poker game!
It's a full house.
Couple of cards aren't living at home any more.
Not any more dear. Thanks to mobile phones. No, no.
Do you know what language they speak in England?
Pakistani?
Oh! That's right, Kovacs. In many stores they do.
But we'll get into that tomorrow, boys and girls.
- You owe me a kiss, Kovacs. - I'm gonna give you two.
- All right, dear. - Here's one on the cheek.
All right.
- And here's a monkey bite! - Oh, you wicked, wicked monkey!
Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye.
Cut!
That's a wrap, folks! Thank you very much.
We're a smash! Number one in our time slot!
- Yeah? - Yes.
Calls from Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, Los Angeles...
- All with offers to syndicate. - Hollywood!
- Daniel? - Whoa!
- Daniel? - Yes?
Miranda.
Could I talk to you?
Yeah.
I'll be right out. Just wait here.
Welcome to Euphegenia's house.
A little drafty but... you know. It's nice.
What can I do for you?
First of all, congratulations on the show.
Oh, thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal, you know
We've... The kids...
We've been watching every day.
It's nice to know they can see me every day.
Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take a long time to get over all the fights and
all the horrible things we said to each other.
It's... It's so hard.
But I know somehow you and I will be all right and we'll get through this.
But the kids...
I uh...
I don't wanna hurt our children.
So what do you want me to do?
You want me to pretend like everything's all right? Put on a happy face? Smile?
Jesus, Miranda. You took my children away from me.
I can only see them now with supervision.
Some woman watches me with the kids like I'm some sort of deviant.
If I try to hug them, she wonders why.
You know what that's like?
You just sat there in that courtroom. You knew the truth. You didn't say a word.
You let that judge pass that despicable sentence.
- I was angry. - Oh, God.
Look, you hurt me, too!
Oh, you ripped my heart out! And you come back to do it again.
You lied to us.
- You know what? - What?
I don't wanna do this any more.
I don't wanna do any more "who did what to whom".
Ever since this happened, I've been trying to make sense out of it.
And the only thing I know to be true in my heart
is that the children were happier
when Mrs Doubtfire was a part of their lives.
Yeah?
She...
She brought out the best in them.
She brought out the best in you.
And you.
Yeah.
They miss her terribly.
What are you saying?
Daniel, the kids need you.
I need them.
Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank, who is a make-up artist.
A big knock at the door.
Who could that be? And do we have enough time?
Mr Sprinkles, boys and girls!
Hello Mr Sprinkles! What do you have for me today?
Mrs Doubtflier, I've got a letter from Katie...
It's the new baby-sitter.
Come on, guys! Come on! Get up! Let's go!
Come on.
It's gonna be all right.
Chris, wait right over there. Everybody.
Daddy!
Hi.
What's going on?
I'm here to pick you up.
Your dad's gonna take you for a few hours every day after school.
Really?
What about the courts? That legal stuff.
- Ask your mom. - I took care of it.
No more supervised visits. No more court liaison.
- Just us? - Just us.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Go get Mr Bear.
- Go get your stuff. Hurry up. - All right.
- Would you like to come in? - No, I'll wait outside.
OK.
Thank you.
See you.
"Dear Mrs Doubtfire,"
"Two months ago my mom and dad decided to separate. "
"Now they live in different houses. "
"My brother Andrew says that we aren't a real family any more."
"Is this true?"
"Did I lose my family?"
"Is there anything I could do to get my parents back together?"
"Sincerely, Katie McCormick. "
Oh, my dear Katie.
You know, some parents when they're angry,
they get along much better when they don't live together.
They don't fight all the time and they can become better people.
And much better mommies and daddies for you.
And sometimes they get back together.
And sometimes they don't, dear.
And if they don't,
don't blame yourself.
Just because they don't love each other doesn't mean that they don't love you.
There are all sorts of different families, Katie.
Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy,
or-or two families.
Some children live with their uncle or aunt.
Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents.
And some live in separate homes and some in separate neighborhoods
in different areas of the country.
They may not see each other for days, weeks, months or even years at a time.
But if there's love, dear,
those are the ties that bind.
And you'll have a family in your heart forever.
All my love to you, poppet.
You're going to be all right.
Bye-bye.