I'm strong
I'm big!
I'm hot!
I'm big!
Fuck!
Shit!
Hey, where you going?
My name is DanieI Lugo.
And I beIieve in fitness.
The events you are about to see,
took pIace in Miami, FIorida, between October 1994 and June '95.
UnfortunateIy, this is a true story.
We aII start out equaI,
IittIe bIobs of bIood and muscIe.
It's a set up off awsome potentiaI.
Most peopIe never deveIop that potentiaI.
I knew earIy on I was not most peopIe.
There you go. There you go! Yes!
Come on, big man. Work it, baby. Come on!
Let's go!
Because if you're wiIIing to do the work,
you can have anything.
That's what makes the US of A great.
When it started,
America was just a handfuI of scrawny coIonies.
Now, it's the most buff, pumped-up country on the pIanet.
That's pretty rad.
That's it?
Work harder. - Shit!
Adrian's on the juice! - Word up, DL!
Most peopIe say they want to Iook better.
Not everyone is wiIIing to do whatever it takes to achieve it.
All of my heroes are seIf-made.
Rocky, Scarface, aII the guys from The Godfather.
They aII started out with nothing and buiIt their way to perfection.
The way to prove yourseIf is to better yourseIf.
That's the American dream.
I have no sympathy for peopIe who squander their gifts.
It's sickening.
It's worse than sickening. It's unpatriotic.
Greatest day of my Iife.
ArnoId-fucking-Schwarzenegger, am I right?
I was never a big fitness guy. I know it's important,
but you know what I reaIIy don't Iike about weights?
What's that?
They're so heavy!
Am I right?
Can you Iift this?
I spot peopIe for a Iiving, when you get right down to it.
Gives the cIient security and a IittIe extra heIp
to push themseIves harder.
To me, a cigarette boat was a thing drug deaIers had, you know?
But we got it anyway. Cost a fortune.
Named her Puppy Luv. L-U-V. But when I'm out on it,
depending on the day, I either fantasize
I'm a drug smuggIer eIuding the DEA,
or I'm the DEA chasing after a drug smuggIer.
I'm turning into a stud here.
You get any exercise currentIy?
Besides shtupping?
I got a three miI McMansion next to a private jogging path,
but it's aII homos and housewives.
You spend most of your day at a desk?
You know that SchIotzsky's DeIi near the airport?
That's mine.
No kidding? Oh, I Iike that pIace.
I never kid, Yudo.
Lugo. - Yeah.
We make a nice sandwich, Lugy.
You ever try our oven-toasted roast beef and cheese?
Give an anorexic an appetite. - What eIse do you do?
Do some stock trading, reaI estate.
Own a few greyhounds for racing.
But for some crazy reason, I'm proudest of the sandwiches.
I hang at the house. Got a hot Cuban housekeeper
makes a waffIe don't even need mapIe syrup.
I'm a seIf-made man, Dennis.
And my seIf is not ashamed to say it's made a Iot of money.
Maybe your seIf ought to spend some of it on a saIad.
You know who invented saIad?
Poor peopIe.
This aII began because it was time to push myseIf harder.
To maximize resuIts.
And I was tired of cIients petting me.
Shit, otherwise I was Iooking at another 40 years
of wearing sweatpants to work.
And that was it! He just dumped me by phone.
That's coId!
It makes you question the whoIe reIationship.
You set high goaIs for yourseIf and naiI every one.
But the hardest thing about changing yourseIf
is changing how other peopIe see you.
Being a personaI trainer is just that. PersonaI.
I'm not going to Iie.
When a cIient doesn't feeI the same way, it hurts.
What next?
WeII, I mean, if you wanted,
you know, if it seems Iike it wouId be fun to you,
maybe we couId go for a drink or a dinner or a coffee or water.
I meant what exercise is next.
It reaIIy fucking hurts.
I know that! I was joking. Come on!
Daniel! I see you got some new meat.
What have I aIways said, John? The key to repeat business ...
Is new business.
You cannot buiId a muscIe mecca without muscle.
WeII, I want to turn this pIace into an internationaIIy renowned mecca.
What do you bench? - 400.
- Squat? - More Iike five.
Why shouId I hire you?
You have a Iot of eIderIy members, sir.
I want to pump some new bIood into this pIace.
That pooI's a very sIippery surface
and that eIderIy woman with the shower cap,
she Iooks Iike she's going to croak right there in the pooI, sir.
And GoId's is going to crush you.
If I don't tripIe your membership in three months, I wiII quit.
TripIe it in three months. That's pretty ambitious.
I read a Iot of biographies, sir.
And the one thing that unites great men
is their reach aIways exceeds their grasp.
One thing... I recentIy had some troubIe with the Iaw.
They caII FIorida ''God's waiting room,''
aII the haIf-dead senior citizens turning brown on the beach.
Shit, you ask me, that's kind of mean.
I Iike oIder peopIe. They're very generous.
So, you reaIIy guarantee
I can tripIe my investment in three months?
WeII, if I didn't, wouId I have put my name on the company?
Let me confer with my partner. Are they good?
You're approved. - Wow!
You know, I get so much joy from making peopIe money.
I'm going to make you guys a Iot of money.
You have such beautifuI hair.
Look at those eyes. Wow!
I, DanieI Lugo, hereby acknowIedge my guiIt.
I know what I did was wrong
and there is no substitute for hard work.
And I am a hard worker! And it wiII never happen again.
For I used my superior inteIIigence
for wrong actions to justify a good end. And that was wrong.
And, if you Iet me, I beIieve I can Iearn from my mistakes
and I beIieve I can heIp others
to reaIize that there is no shortcut to the American dream.
This is America, Iand of the brave and home of the second chances.
That's my one ask,
that you give me a second chance and aIIow me to go free today.
GuiIty.
I know I'm guiIty. That's what I said in the beginning of my statement.
I said, ''I'm guiIty.'' But what about my second chance?
That's nothing. WeIcome aboard.
Thank you, sir. I wiII not disappoint you.
Three weeks after I signed on,
Sun Gym did tripIe its membership.
I will make you call me Beef, baby.
One more!
I gave free body waxing for everybody at sign-up.
It was kind of disgusting.
You have to do whatever it takes and have no fear.
Wow. Bushy.
You want to trim that thing down a IittIe bit?
I even came up with genius.
Free membership for strippers. DeIicious.
Boosted membership 75% within two months.
Look Iike a big sirIoin steak, baby! I Iike that!
I did make it a muscIe mecca.
I made it a destination.
John was roIIing in the cash.
He started reading Fortune magazine.
And he recognized my vaIue.
I made Senior Fitness Coordinator by Christmas.
Perks incIuded. 'Cause that's how it works.
You give and you get back.
Oh, biIIs suck.
RoIIed out into a money magnet.
Take notes and I'II teII you the secrets
of Iiving the dream!
Does your Iife suck baIIs?
Are you a hot mess?
Do you ever Iook in your mirror at home and ask,
''Why me?'' WeII, go to Jonny Wu's
GoIden Dream seminar at the Jupiter BaIIroom
and you'II find out how to be a do-er!
I got to say, it feIt great to be doing so awesome.
What is that stink? - What stink?
You smeII Iike a Cuban stripper.
My niece gave it to me for Christmas. It's caIIed ''VaniIIa FeIIa.''
Oh, weII, it's unsettIing whiIe I sweat here.
So, you make decent coin in this pIace?
We do fine.
Shoots out your ass in taxes though, right?
Hey, if you're smart, you do what I do.
Incorporate offshore.
The Bahamas don't exactIy sweat your paperwork
and the IRS can't touch it.
You have any money here in the States?
Of course!
My offshore stuff is just
a rainy day fund, margarita money.
You shouId meet my accountant,
he's a friggin' miracIe man.
Maybe I wiII.
Oh, you're a Maybe Guy!
I misjudged.
I had you figured for a DefiniteIy Guy, Damien.
Sorry. Lugo. Lugo.
Victor had a point.
I mean, he was an asshoIe, but he had a point.
MichaeI CorIeone didn't become the Godfather by foIding toweIs.
He did it by keeping a gun behind the toiIet and knowing what he wants.
And I know it might sound strange,
I just want a big fat Iawn that I can mow untiI the sun goes down.
That baby's 20% off!
WeII, if I beIieve I deserve it, the universe wiII serve it, right?
What, you never heard that before?
No, jackass.
Yeah, that's why you're working at Sears, bro!
Easy, feIIa, or I'II kick your ass.
What is that? Is that a bug?
There's a bug! Do you read EngIish? Yeah? Puta? Bitch? Right?
Between the ''B'' and the ''I.''
You migrant workers suck!
When I was young,
there was a rich kid Iived two bIocks over.
LittIe prick had a new bike every Christmas.
Your asses are Iooking great!
And his parents took him on vacations
to pIaces Iike Paris and France.
I mean, I didn't hate him.
I just thought it'd be cooI to see France.
But I knew that wasn't ever going to happen
unIess I did something about it.
Let's go, set...
Fuck!
Yo, what's going on, DL?
You've been unfocused aII day, man.
You ever just get tired of being where you are, Adrian?
No. I kind of Iike it here. I mean, the weights are new...
I mean in Iife, man! Where you are in Iife.
I mean, Iook at us, man. We're Iike Superman.
I mean, come on!
Don't you think we deserve better? 'Cause I do.
Hey. Yo.
Man, I do, too.
Then fucking act Iike it, man! Come on!
That's why when these 'roids kick into
this chocoIate mass, baby,
I'ma be unstoppabIe!
I ain't making no more tacos!
I ain't cIeaning up after nobody tacos!
I'm putting my beef in their tacos, baby!
Everybody gonna eat some of this!
That's what I'm taIking about.
I was Iike you.
You work hard.
You do what you're toId.
And what does Iife serve you?
A shame sandwich with a side order of shit!
You deserve better!
Every person in America
is either a do-er, or a don't-er.
A do-er or a don't-er.
And if I can get you to Iearn one thing today,
one take-home point,
it wouId be this.
Don't be a don't-er.
Do be a do-er.
I had a wife, two beautifuI daughters.
A perfect partner.
Thank God I Ieft her!
Now I'm with seven honeys of which I can choose from.
Oh, my God. This guy understands me.
WeII, it's simpIe.
I don't know why God gave us 10 fingers,
because we's onIy gonna need three.
Get a goaI. Get a pIan.
And get up off your ass!
Which one are you, pIayboy?
Me?
No, someone eIse sitting in your seat.
Come on, which one are you?
I'm a do-er?
Is that a question?
I'm a do-er.
What is this, VaIentine's Day?
Say it Iike you want to hunt it, skin it
and mount its head on your waII!
I'm a do-er! - What?
I'm a do-er! - Yeah!
I'm a do-er! - Let's do it!
I'm a do-er! I'm a do-er!
Do-er! - I'm a do-er!
Do-er! Do-er! Do-er! - I'm a do-er!
He singIed me out
and gave me my own private training session.
I wiII make him proud.
I wish I had a camera. - AII right.
Get the bitches on the boat. Okay? We got to go.
Get the bitches on the boat.
We got to go!
I'm a do-er with a three-finger pIan.
Finger one, find a guy with money.
Finger two, make him give you everything he owns.
Finger three,
make America a better pIace.
Leave the guy broke and cIueIess as to who made him that way.
Are you serious? - Yeah.
'Cause that's some straight-up gangsta shit.
Why do you want to do this?
She's out of your Ieague, bro.
Wow.
Adrian, you're fucking magnificent.
You waIked in that door, you were 28% body fat,
you wanted to be six.
I gave you that. You want to be two, I wiII give you that.
You deserve that.
You want to be a monument to physicaI perfection?
You want to be a shrine?
You shouId be!
You wanted change, right?
AII you got is change in that fanny pack. Is that what you want?
When's the Iast time you paid your rent when it was due?
When's the Iast time you took one of those pIump bitches out to dinner
and didn't sweat them ordering dessert?
You Iove those big bitches.
And they Iove to eat. It's okay. That's important!
But this being broke shit's got to stop, man.
You need some money to go with that body, man.
Adrian Ioved the idea.
Hey, that guy wants a job. WiII you interview him?
But to impIement a pIan of this intensity,
we needed to secure another operative.
Where'd you do your time, paI?
Up north.
CIub Fed CorrectionaI. White coIIar.
I Iearned a Iot. It's aII businessmen.
Hey, how many grams of protein do you eat?
How you fixed for a job now?
WeII, it's not good.
It's kind of hard when you got a record.
I know.
It doesn't feeI reaI good when Mickey D's teIIs you
you're not even good enough to make the French fries.
We aII make mistakes.
Doesn't mean we have Iess right to a piece of the pie.
Amino acids after you work out or before?
So you do it with smoothies, Iike, fruit smoothies,
or just, Iike, soy miIk? - What?
Don't mind him. What were you in for?
Know why habit rhymes with rabbit?
'Cause your whoIe Iife disappears down a bunny hoIe,
whiIe you grow Iong sensitive ears
to better hear the sound of sirens coming for you.
Lucky for me, I got saved.
Saving aII of God's creatures was my speciaI mission.
You know, the Son of God knew how to just say no.
I guess you couId say He's my roIe modeI.
Why Miami?
It was warm. It had beaches.
And I didn't have any warrants in FIorida.
ChapIain at Attica said Pastor Randy
had been down the habit road himseIf,
so he'd heIp me.
Curfew is 9:00 on weekdays, 10:00 on weekends.
I've been there, dude.
If you want to rap, my door is aIways open.
I Iike to rap. You'II find me very friendIy.
Just come in any time. Any time at aII.
I'm just Randy, man.
DanieI was reaIIy encouraging
about my seIf-improvement.
And I needed a friend.
Hadn't reaIIy had a friend since Ma died.
What do you think, you want to go get a beer?
I'm sober.
That's a good thing.
''A beer'' is onIy an expression. Let's go get something to drink,
hang out. - Okay.
Make some noise for the great Sorina Luminita!
This is SoIid GoId, Miami.
Hey, is that breast miIk?
What? - Is that breast miIk?
Why wouId that be breast miIk? - 'Cause this is.
Listen. You take this,
you put it in there and you got the reaI HGH.
I'm taIking about a steroid shake!
I got this pregnant chick I buy it from.
She reaI cIean, too.
No. - No, no, no, for reaI.
She just got her tests and everything.
Oh, my... You ever suck a pregnant woman tittie?
Oh, my God! This is so good! Come on, try some.
It'II make you great, man!
You aIready big, but you couId be bigger, you know?
I'm big! I'ma be swoIIed, though.
WaIk sideways through doors.
You want some? We couId be tittie brothers.
Yeah!
I'm going to go with ''no.''
Excuse me. - What you...
Now I'm the guy at the bar?
Fine, keep my breast miIk to myseIf.
Hey, PauI? What do you think of Sorina?
Wow, she's...
ExactIy. She's perfect!
And we thought we were gonna have to cast in London.
PIease, teII me again about this movie you're making.
No, it's not a movie, baby, it's a music video.
But big budget. Sets, cars, EiffeI Tower.
It's going to be amazing.
TeII Sorina about the song, PauI.
She's very excited.
Enrique is our... Is our Iead singer.
And he faIIs in Iove with a beautifuI woman.
Me? - You're the Ieading Iady!
Yes, of course!
And he foIIows this beautifuI woman, you,
aII the way to London.
It aII started in TransyIvania.
I was Miss Bucharest.
LudimiIa Draganesti is a whore!
She show her vageena to the stupid judge.
I knew the onIy pIace a woman Iike me couId be appreciated
was in United States.
After aII, it was the Iand of opportunity.
USA. Goodbye!
I saw Pretty Woman.
AII JuIia Roberts had to do
was show Richard Gere her pisda
and she got a shopping trip to BeverIy HiIIs.
My pisda was so much nicer than hers.
Then I met DanieI.
He had that can-do spirit.
Yes! Bang me harder!
The car...
My American dream was finaIIy coming true.
That was great!
You can't just kidnap a guy and take his things!
You can't do that. That's so iIIegaI.
Yes, we can. We're do-ers. Do-ers do.
I can't do right now. I just got out of prison.
That's fear, PauI.
AII right. Good night, babe! - Bye.
Do you know what fear is?
FaIse Evidence Appearing ReaI?
That's a Jonny Wu Iine!
FaIse Evidence Appearing ReaI.
You know Jonny Wu, too?
I don't know anything about an Asian guy.
That's an AA Iine.
AA started in 1935, Akron, Ohio.
And I want no part of this. You're on your own.
We're gonna do this. Yeah. - We're not gonna...
You're gonna do this with us. - I'm not.
It's gonna be fun.
You sure know how to pick 'em, DL.
Dude's a freak of fucking nature.
Ought to put a fence around him.
I'd do anything for Danny Lugo.
He was my boy.
As good to me as anyone ever was.
He was a big-hearted motherfucker
who I knew onIy had my best in mind.
But the shit he was poppin'?
This daffy pIot he had percoIating?
I'd never been a crimer.
Ain't never had a reason to be.
Come on!
Goddamn! My shit stopped working.
Then aII of a sudden, I had a reason.
Mr. DoorbaI, are you currentIy using steroids?
No, ma'am.
ReaIIy? When's the Iast time you injected?
Monday?
Yesterday. Okay.
I'm just going to put down ''using.''
I threw them aII out.
I think they messed me up.
It's okay.
You probabIy just have Defeated PhaIIus Syndrome.
We, Iike, treat it here aII the time.
But don't worry, we can change aII that.
It's what we speciaIize in here.
Penis magic.
It took a Iot of baIIs to come in here.
More Iike Raisinets.
At Ieast yours are chocoIate-covered Raisinets.
Sorry. It's just I find nothing sexier
than a big bIack man in tears.
I Iove me some rain on the African pIain.
I hope your girIfriend knows just how Iucky she is.
She wouId know if she existed,
but she doesn't exist, so...
I guess she don't know.
I just got a fIash of us together on a water sIide.
It's a steroid-induced impotence.
But with a shot of an engorgitaI
right into your penis,
you wiII return to those
beautifuI, robust erections of your high schooI days.
You do remember your high schooI days, don't you?
HeII, yeah!
I used to have a nickname for my di... I mean, penis.
I used to caII him Ernesto.
I used to caII my vag MicheIIe. What?
Just Ieave it up to me and
I'II have Ernesto up in high gear in no time.
Those injections expensive, Doctor?
They come with a price.
I was trying so hard to be good.
But there was so much temptation in Miami.
You shouId take a break.
Oh, thanks, Father.
This Miami heat is reaIIy crazy.
Wow, the way your sweat's gIistening off your muscIes...
You know, Jesus said,
''Come to me, aII who are weary,
''and I wiII give you rest.''
I can give you rest, PauI.
You're so buff.
Why was he teIIing me I was buff?
Hey, buddy!
Thanks for coming.
I've been thinking a Iot about what you said.
Things aren't working out too good at the church.
I just snapped.
I aImost kiIIed him. - Don't sweat that, PauI.
We go through with this, nobody gets hurt, right?
PhysicaIIy hurt? No, man!
This is a straight-up kidnapping, that's aII!
It's Iike a snatch-and-grab.
Very simpIe. We snatch him, we grab him,
he signs a few signatures,
we give him a protein shake and we show him the door.
He doesn't even know what happened!
He thinks he made a deaI!
Right?
Listen. I watch a Iot of movies, PauI.
I know what I'm doing.
This is the shit, man!
Adrian, put those down, wiII you?
Sorry, gentIemen. PoIice use onIy.
Tampa PD, brother. It's okay.
In that case, I need to see badges.
We're retired. Off the...
Off the job.
And now we're doing security for a...
For a rock group caIIed Stryper,
I don't know if you've heard... - Oh, I've heard...
Never again wiII an oppressor
Overrun my peopIe!
For now I'm keeping watch!
That's the gospeI, yeah!
And peopIe say Christian rock sucks.
Who says that?
Yeah, who?
Nobody. I mean, weII, fucking asshoIes do.
You know, I actuaIIy thought that Stryper broke up.
They're actuaIIy having a reunion tour
in JerusaIem.
And they need extra security.
Look, we wish we didn't have to go there,
but as you know,
it's not the worId we Iive in now, brother.
So true.
So, what can I do you for?
We're Iooking for merchandise to shock, incapacitate
and imprison our feIIow man.
Okay, seriousIy, you're gonna Iove this, aII right?
I've done it before, so come on. Just hit me.
Come on, just hit me, hit me! Come on, do it!
Hit me! Hit me!
That moment,
I knew I assembIed the right crew.
DoyIe and DoorbaI,
stone-coId baIIers from the oId schooI.
Now, test phase.
The best way to do a human extraction Iike this,
in a Iocation Iike this, wouId be through the water,
but we don't have a boat, so we're going in by Iand.
We're gonna hit the bushes
and get to bIue point two within five seconds.
Here we get a cIear view of our entry point.
Danny was a mastermind!
We hit him in the house as soon as possibIe,
bring him out right through the front door,
through the bushes and back to the van.
DeIta Force couId do a mission Iike this in probabIy 53 seconds.
But with our athIetic superiority,
we shouId be abIe to do it in about 40. AII right?
One probIem. He's got a Iive-in maid,
so if she's there, we knock her out on the way out.
I knew Danny was making most of this shit up.
But it didn't matter. We were going to be fucking rich.
Back!
He's having Shabbat!
Oh, shit. - Go, go, go, go, go!
Mission abort! Mission abort!
We're gonna get caught! We're gonna get caught!
Mission abort! Mission abort! Mission abort!
I don't want to go back to prison!
BIock him in.
Gotta jump off the back, we snatch him.
I honestIy don't know how he figures this stuff out.
Here. Ninja. That's your suit right there.
Green bug. - No, man.
Are you serious?
Yeah. - How does he get to be a ninja?
EagIe is on the move.
He's carrying a big bag of charcoaI. White shorts.
He's coming to us.
Prepare to neutraIize the target.
Come on, come on, come on.
Shit, he's coming, he's coming!
Come on, come on, come on! Hurry up! Hurry up!
Go, go, go, go, go! Get him! Get him! Get him!
What the heII?
Asswipe!
Did you get him? - Prick.
Where is he? - Fucking maniac.
What the fuck? He was right here!
Where'd he go? You see him?
Where the hell is he? You've got to be fucking kidding me!
There he is! - Fuck!
You got the wrong BMW?
It's two exact BMW's!
I toId you to check the Iicense pIate!
It was an honest mistake!
Yo, we thought it was the same car. It Iooks exactIy the same.
I toId you, M98305 ''Miami Bitch''!
Is that too hard?
It was an honest... - Fuck that!
Fuck you!
I can deaI with his impotence,
I cannot deaI with your incompetence! What the fuck?
You were a bit of a disappointment today.
You're reassigned to EagIe's Nest.
Tomorrow we get our prize.
Schlotzsky's.
God damn it!
There's this crazy new thing caIIed ''hygiene.''
Look at yourseIves! You handIe food.
What are we taIking here, herpes?
Don't they feed you at home, chunky trunks, huh?
Yeah.
And can we stick a smidge of pastrami in the sandwiches, just for the noveIty?
Fucking PimpIe and BIimpie here.
What the fuck do you want?
What is this about? Who the fuck are you?
Do these tasers rock or what?
Hey.
What do you want? - You gonna call home.
You gonna teII your baby mamacita
she gonna take the kid and go home to CoIombia, immediateIy!
And she teIIs no one. EspeciaIIy Ia poIicia.
Because if she does,
that's a big fucking probIem for you, man.
- HeIIo? Kershaw residence. - No, no,
just get Mrs. Kershaw.
She's at her tennis Iesson.
She's not there! She's not home!
TeII her to get her, you piece of shit!
You knocked him out, man!
What the fuck did you do that for?
Put the fucking thing away! - Okay, okay.
I need to read the manuaI.
You don't fucking need it anymore.
Here. You take it.
EagIe's Nest, it's coming in hot. Rat's in the cage. Over. Patriot Two?
Patriot Two?
Roger that, Patriot One.
Didn't you say that your friend kept athIetic suppIies
here in his warehouse?
Do we have to have this conversation now?
Over. What's the issue?
I'm Iooking at a Iot of homo stuff right now, Patriot One.
A Iot.
Oh, such a fucking moron!
Patriot Two, we're a IittIe busy here.
Come on, man.
It was what I thought it was.
Target time in five seconds,
four, three, two, one.
Open the frickin' gate, man!
These things were weird, but amazing.
Open the F-ing gate, Patriot Moron Two.
Out, now!
Cover him up.
Rápido!
PIease! - Shut up!
My grandfather fIed Germany in 1943.
No...
I was born in Bogotá, grew up in New York City.
Put myseIf through coIIege
working six nights a week at Pizza Hut.
Busted my ass,
but ended up comptroIIer of a biIIion doIIar pipeIine
in the rectum of the Third WorId.
I put up with shit they don't have names for in civiIization.
Funny, I Ieft South America because there was too much kidnapping.
That's what you caII irony.
But if they think a IittIe sIapping around's gonna break me,
they don't know Victor Pepe Kershaw.
Somebody want to teII me what the heII is going on here?
I struggIe, Vic. I wake up each day
and I try to Iive a Iife dedicated to seIf-improvement.
To finding a personaI path that aIIows me
to empIoy my speciaI gifts.
Like tying guys to chairs
and sticking pIiers up their nose?
You shut your mouth whiIe the man's taIking!
You got to be quiet, Victor. Like a mouse.
I see guys Iike you my whoIe Iife.
You roII into this country, and America, she just spreads her pretty cheeks.
Meantime, native sons born of the red, white and bIue
are Ieft broken, snuffIing for your crumbs!
You're broke, you dumb shit,
because you never went to coIIege.
Thereby guaranteeing
you were going to spend the rest of your Iife
obsessing your pectoraI mussels.
Why'd you say that?
Why'd you say that, you piece of shit,
about pectoraI muscIes?
Fucking teII me now!
What's going on? - What's going on?
What's going on is this dude seems to think
he knows who the fuck I am!
No, I don't, I don't.
TeII me why the fuck you said that!
WeII, you're going to fucking teII me!
You're going to fucking teII me now!
No, I don't... I don't know.
Come on, man. - Fuck that.
TeII me. - No!
I don't know if you reaIize this, Victor,
but you're not going anywhere anytime soon.
You're going to teII me. Get him up! Now!
Get him up!
Your coIogne, Danny.
Your stinky, awfuI, vaniIIa, disgusting coIogne.
As soon as I said it, I knew I'd seaIed my fate.
My goddamn haIf-CoIombian, haIf-Jew temper.
KiIIing me is not going to give you job skills, Danny.
I don't just want everything you have.
I want you
not to have it.
What are we gonna do now?
What do you mean, ''What are we gonna do?''
We're doing it.
Everything's under controI. You better fucking man up.
We're gonna make some phone caIIs.
You hear me, Victor?
This was supposed to be easy.
Yes, you've reached the office of Victor Pepe Kershaw.
I'm not in to take your caII right now,
because I'm being heId hostage by a bunch of fucking body...
...Kershaw. I'm not in to take your caII right now.
PIease Ieave a message at the tone...
And for God's sake, heIp me!
My asshoIe trainer, DanieI...
Okay. It won't happen again. I understand.
PIease Ieave a message and a designated representative
wiII get back to you.
GentIemen, it's me. Listen cIoseIy.
Rabbi MeIman, Gut Yontiff.
I'm fine. I just banged my shin.
Take the kid to your parents
untiI I can get this worked out.
And not a word to the poIice, baby, okay?
Not one word.
I don't need a secretairy no more!
Okay, you're fired!
There's some compIex engineering in these things.
No necesita... You know, to cIean Ia casa.
Jack...
It's very simpIe.
I've faIIen in Iove with a younger woman
and we're reIocating to San Juan.
I know...
Okay, take care.
AII right, we're good here.
Patriot Two, you got first watch.
First watch?
I got to watch him? - Yeah.
We're gonna be aIone? - We're gonna rotate.
I got to go to work! We got to keep up appearances.
What do you want me to do?
Keep an eye on him.
He's crying! - That's okay, he'II stop.
Late three times in a row.
Tiffany, did my 11 :00 caII? Mr. Kershaw?
He didn't caII, Mr. Lugo.
You know, caII me crazy.
I don't know... My body's top priority.
Everything was faIIing into pIace.
Anybody here?
I need a drink!
Somebody?
I need a drink!
Somebody!
We don't keep spirits here.
And I'm sober.
No shit!
Me, too. - You are?
So cooI. Praise Jesus!
Got my chip and everything. That was a proud moment.
You shouId be proud. There you go.
You know, when I was in prison,
I was cIean for nearIy a year.
Yeah? - Yeah.
But a week before I got sprung, I had a IittIe pruno sIip.
Huh? - Pruno is prison wine.
I made the best pruno in the yard.
You know what?
Maybe... the reaI reason I'm here
is to heIp you
get through another day sober.
That's heavy. - It reaIIy is. I know.
It truIy is.
I'm sorry about aII this. Everything.
Oh, no, no. It's okay. Shit happens. Forget it.
But reaIIy,
maybe I was sent... as a reminder.
Do you beIieve in that stuff? Higher power stuff?
I Iive it.
Okay...
You think I couId get another one of those Taco Supremes?
Yeah...
Sure. There you go. We'II switch.
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.
They're even better coId.
You must be so hungry.
You are so much nicer than the other two.
Ah, they're sweet guys.
You just don't know them yet.
But thank you for the compIiment.
See, the simpIe fact that you are defending them
suggests that you are nicer than they are.
I'm just saying.
You're a Jew, right?
Yes, I am.
HaIf-Jew.
You have a probIem with that?
I think I can heIp you.
That wouId be great!
That wouId be great.
How? I mean, how so?
Victor, do you accept Jesus Christ as your personaI savior?
Victor?
I do.
That feIt great.
How did you do that?
I have a gift.
It's a gift.
You're good.
Busy day!
Wake him up. - Get up!
Oh, yeah... Look at that...
Get some paper toweIs, damn it!
Yeah. - Shit!
If there's pee on the poIicy,
they'II think he's incontinentaI and fIag it!
Shit!
It's not ''incontinentaI,'' you moron. It's ''incontinent.''
You reaIIy are a briIIiant criminaI mind, Lugo.
WeII, I'm smart enough not to be the one cuffed to a couch,
about to get cIeaned the fuck out.
This one's gonna require your signature. Bing!
No fucking way.
I know you can't see me, Victor,
but I have a Iook of suspicion on my face.
What's there to be suspicious about?
I wouId Iike to caII you EIdad.
In Hebrew,
it means ''BeIoved of God.''
WouId that be okay, my friend?
I wouId be honored, Victor.
Pepe was my second friend.
It's my shift, bro. Go home.
Go to church or whatever you do.
It's my torture chamber now.
DoyIe was taking extra shifts with Kershaw.
And, yes, it was getting my attention.
Sorina, you home?
What the heII are you doing?
So I can see who you realy are.
A big music video director
does not need these gIasses that see in the dark!
I don't want you going through my stuff. Okay?
These are not toys.
Big director driving your pussy-ass Fiero
with the Scooby-Doo seats!
I need you to sit down right now and Iisten very carefuIIy.
You know where I've been aII day?
I've been at headquarters in LangIey, Virginia.
I haven't been truthfuI with you, and, beIieve me, it hurts.
You have got to understand my work.
I'm in the CIA.
Now, good men have died to keep what I just toId you a secret.
CIA? Like the CIA-poIice CIA?
Those goggIes, they're government issue,
and, I guess in a way, so am I.
CIA, DanieI?
That is so hot! - No, no, no, no, no.
It's better you hear it aII.
I......
I mean, I've seen things, okay? Done things.
One time in Hong Kong, I had to Iive for a week in a tree.
No food, no bathroom, no nothing.
You poor, poor baby! I am so sorry!
Do you know, this is the reaI reason I approached you.
Me? - Yes.
You think you can handIe being an operative?
Oh, my God, DanieI, yes! I'II do anything!
You know my associate, PauI?
The big guy? - Yeah, the weird guy?
Yeah. You're gonna have to work cIose with him.
This is my adopted country. I'II die for it.
DanieI, did you ever catch a spy girI?
And then maybe you have to be spanking her.
Yeah, and caIIing her dirty,
Commie-sucking whore.
Whatever it takes.
''...which has been trading on the NYSE since 1972.''
NYSE?
New York Stock Exchange.
I'm from New York.
AII right, next...
I can read to you about the Unabomber.
Scary.
Damn it! Why'd you make me do that to you, Victor?
I have responsibiIities!
Jesus Christ HimseIf has bIessed me with many gifts!
One of them is knocking someone the fuck out!
Pepe, you okay?
Pepe?
It's EIdad.
HeIIo, James Bond.
Why so sad?
I had to hurt a man today.
Wow. - I didn't want to,
'cause I Iike him.
But he forced me to.
Look, in your Iine of work, peopIe do get hurt.
Okay. - Danny teIIs me
I'm with you now.
We work together, we pIay together.
For king and country.
PIaying together sounds good.
Very good.
I stiII have no idea what you're taIking about right now.
Oh, it's okay. I know who you are.
WeII, you shouId, 'cause we've met.
TeII me about the pIaying again?
I woke up this morning in a state of excitement,
Iap dancing the day away.
It's Iike the BibIe says...
You give and you get back a hundredfoId.
And then some greasy pudge-bunny
comes and takes it aII away.
Me and the Iady were having a conversation.
You shouId never wear yeIIow, paI.
LittIe kids might think you're a schooI bus and cIimb on for a ride.
His name was Frank Griga
and he was the third richest man in GoIden Beach.
I didn't know any of that then.
AII I knew was that he was a douche.
We were three weeks in and Victor wasn't breaking.
You got a racing dog, huh?
Hey! So, Mr. Kershaw soId you Tasty Reuben?
Yep. Tasty Reuben's aII mine now.
Let's try something new.
This one, I think, is gonna be a fan favorite.
You ready to sign now? - No!
The guy was fierce.
Come on, come on! Hey, baby!
Where did you get that dog?
I got somebody here that wants to meet you!
Oh, my God, I Iove him!
Lugo, you can get my Iife,
but you can't have my shit!
AII I wanted was a IittIe effort, baby.
Eat me, Doogie.
He never worked this hard in the gym.
But I did. I break guys for a Iiving.
Are you ready to sign now? - Fuck you!
Take him around again.
I hate you.
Thanks, buddy.
Good. Good.
Is... Is there a probIem?
No, there shouIdn't be a probIem.
It's just that aII of these transfer documents,
they need to be witnessed by a notary pubIic.
WeII, can't you do that?
We'd be deIighted.
We just need you and Mr. Kershaw
to sign the documents in the presence of our notary.
But Mr. Kershaw is overseas in Europe saving eIephants.
So, you can just... It's okay.
WeII, around here, we caII that a probIem.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Put it in the trash, with the rest of my dreams.
No contest, John?
Lost the sponsor. Chapter 11.
I toId you Amino TropicaI BIast's benefits
were totaIIy undocumented.
Can I see you in the office for a minute, John?
You're stiII a notary, aren't you?
Yeah. TechnicaIIy, I guess. Why?
WeII, I was hoping you couId transfer some property.
I made a deaI with a friend of mine.
Just bring him by tomorrow.
Look, my friend, he cannot come back, okay?
This is a very unique situation.
He's out there trying to impact the worId in a positive way.
No, that's the onIy reason for a notary,
is that I have to witness the signing of the document.
Otherwise, somebody couId just come in off the street,
forge somebody's signature and take aII their shit.
You know, I got a stamp.
Can I borrow it?
No, you can't borrow my stamp. That's sacred.
What the fuck are notaries, man?
We're officers of the Iaw.
Remember this chick? SheIIey? Used to work here?
BIack chick? I fucked her.
Big sIut.
Oh, John? - Yeah.
You know,
I might have found a sponsor for your competition.
You ever heart off Silotski's?
The signature's a IittIe off here, but no big deaI.
AII right, down, down, down! Just... There, there, there!
Love it!
Finger one, find somebody with money. Check.
Finger two, make him give you everything he owns.
Three miIIion doIIar house,
500,000 cash. Check.
Finger three, make America a better pIace.
You said no vioIence.
No bad vioIence!
I know! Okay?
And I meant it when I said it, I swear to God.
AII right? But this guy, he knows who I am.
He couId ID me.
AII right? That's gonna Iead them to you.
I cannot kiII.
DuIy noted. AII right?
But if you had to do it, you wouId adapt.
You wouId reach down deep, right?
What do you mean, ''reach down deep''?
What if I reach down and there's nothing there?
Then we give you bus money and you're off the team.
That's harsh. I want to be on the team.
I want you to be on the team. Okay?
And the Good Lord wants you to be rich!
AII right? But he couId put us aII away.
He saw us, big guy. He saw you.
Do you want to go back?
I'm not gonna Iet him do that to you.
I'm not gonna Iet that happen to you.
You're not going back!
Look, when this is over, we'II aII go camping.
AII right? - Okay.
And, meanwhiIe,
make him comfy, aII right? Just get him drunk.
I can't do that.
Why?
Pepe is sober.
Do me a favor, okay?
Don't caII him Pepe, Iike you were in the sixth grade together.
Hey.
Are we aIone?
Yeah.
WouId you...
WouId you heIp me... HeIp me escape?
You need money.
I've got money. You can have it aII.
Everything. - Victor, Victor.
I don't want to die, EIdad. Not now.
My son...
Look, Victor. Victor.
This wiII aII be over very soon.
We're gonna get you on a pIane tonight.
We know someone at the airport
who's gonna get you out of the country tonight,
but the onIy way he's gonna do it
is if you're knee-waIking drunk.
You won't remember his face. You have to.
You're going to need a drink if I die,
you haIf-a-retard!
And when I get to heaven,
I'm going to teII Jesus what you did.
You're not going to teII Jesus anything.
I'm doing you a favor!
I'm giving you a private jet!
Whisking you out of the country!
Hey, this don't Iook Iike an airport.
Where's my jet?
Don't worry, you're stiII going home.
A thousand bucks if I smash him
into that fucking backhoe! - Do it.
A thousand? - A thousand!
Drink some! Drink some! - Hey... Son of a...
Oh, my God.
Hey, I have a...
CaIm the fuck down.
Yes!
I fucking toId you!
Lucky, I had an airbag.
You put on his fucking seat beIt?
Yeah.
It is the Iaw.
You don't put on a seat beIt, you'II hurt your face
with the airbag. That's what they teII you.
''BuckIe up. It's the Iaw.''
His bIood aIcohoI's up to his ears!
Nobody wouId expect him to buckIe up!
Yeah, I concur. That was reaI stupid.
You just made a good man suffer.
This is going fucking perfect!
Perfect. - Get the gas can now!
You're siding with him?
I was Iike the Iceman, okay? BuII's-eye! Strike!
Suckers.
I'II get the gas can. I'II be aIone.
Pepe, its Eldad, are you OK?
Don't do that right now, pIease. Don't.
AII good, EIdad.
Let's go. Let's go, Iet's go.
Hurry up.
Oh, shit.
PauI, just run him over.
Just run him over?
Yeah, just start the car and just run him over.
I can't start the car and run him over. We...
PauI, your friend Pepe is on fire.
He's going to die anyway.
Do you want him to suffer,
or you want to take him out of his misery?
You can do this, okay? Start the car,
put it in gear and run him over.
I don't know, DL. That's hardcore, man.
Start the fucking car and go!
Back over him.
Get it over quick. It's Iike ripping off a Band-Aid.
Just do it!
Don't make Pepe suffer.
No!
I knew you couId do it, PauI.
You just kiIIed a man.
We did.
No, you did it.
I just provided options.
Why are you saying I did it?
We did it.
No, you drove.
It's... It's a good thing. TeII him.
You did a good thing.
No, this wasn't heaven.
I wasn't transported to some ceIestiaI space
given my newfound buIIshit Christianity.
This isn't that kind of story.
But you know how I knew these monkeys
were rank fucking amateurs?
Because I was stiII alive.
You can beat me, rob me, hang me Iike dry cIeaning,
burn my fucking hair off,
but don't teII me you're taking me to the airport
when really you're going to kiII me.
And if you are going to kiII me,
you damn wellbetter do it.
Hey, baby doII.
Thought we aImost Iost you there for a whiIe.
Okay, Iet me expIain to you about your face.
HoIy shit!
I was tasered by ninjas.
Is that tire tread on your forehead?
Yes, for the fifteenth time, it is.
They did this to me! Drove right over my face.
So, you're from CoIombia originaIIy.
So what?
I got run over here. In America.
Not in CoIombia!
I'm not sure I Iike your attitude, sir.
Shut the heII up, Baby Huey!
AsshoIe.
I'm going to kiII him.
Nurse!
Listen to me.
I just Iost my famiIy, my business,
and haIf of my nose. I aImost bit my tongue off.
Got my bank accounts cIeaned out.
You think I give a rat's ass if you don't Iike my attitude?
We couId stiII arrest you.
Your bIood aIcohoI was four times the Iimit.
Is this her first day?
Just teII me if this is
Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.
Don't you Iisten?
They forced chocoIate Iiqueur down me!
The eviI ninja weightIifters? Those are the guys?
You shouId cut some of that fuzz out of your ears!
DanieI Lugo. Write it down.
From what I hear, Mr. Vic ''Pepe'' Kershaw,
they seII quite a bit of drugs in CoIombia.
God, I can't beIieve this!
I'm having some troubIe with it myseIf.
You say you were bound, abused
and roughed up by a group of bodybuiIders.
Was this a sex thing?
What?
One very Iarge burnt diIdo,
basebaII-sized anaI beads found in the back of your car.
Not normaI stuff.
We're finding it hard to beIieve
that no one reported you missing.
Not one singIe person.
This couId be a wake-up caII, buddy.
Wai... wai... Wait a second. Is that aII I get?
Get back here!
I don't beIieve a word he said.
We stack-Ioaded 3,000 protein caIories.
Looking tough, feeIing tough.
We were going to rock it. We didn't find Kershaw's obit.
We found him aIive, at the hospitaI.
So we had some unfinished business.
I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to make it...
Can you keep him quiet?
Oh, Christ.
Being a cop for so Iong,
I've Iearned that peopIe's Iives are usuaIIy Iinear.
UntiI they're not.
Comes a day for just about everyone when A
suddenIy skips B and careens to poIka-dot weird W.
Best move I ever made was marrying Cissy.
Sweetie pie, are you deaf?
The phone has rung, Iike, 19 times.
Twenty.
Sorry, babe, I didn't hear it.
After I retired,
I reopened the detective agency my oId man used to own.
But after a few years,
Cissy begged me to retire from that, too.
She said I'd earned my reIaxing years
with Iong, Iazy days fuII of goIf and fishing.
Except the onIy thing I hate more than goIf is fishing.
Du Bois Investigators, Inc.
Is this Ed Du Bois the Second?
ActuaIIy, it's Ed the Third.
I want Ed the Second.
He's dead. And I'm retired.
I'm gessing you looked
in a heII of an oId yeIIow pages, buddy.
Everything's oId in this frickin' hospitaI.
It just shot out of my ass!
I couIdn't heIp it.
Oh, God. - He shouId be ejected from this faciIity!
Oh, my God...
Not you. I need your heIp.
I'm a desperate man.
What did you say your name was?
The team expIored a number of infiItration procedures.
Adrian even offered to stage
a diversionary fistfight in the haII.
We decided against that.
But I can't say that what the poIice toId you
is far from my own anaIysis.
I have to entertain
the possibiIity that you might be Iying.
There was one major probIem.
This fucking archaic Iine-directory system
throughout the whoIe entire hospital.
It took us an hour just to find the ICU.
PIease beIieve me,
it happened just the way I say it did.
Yeah, weII, I'm sorry, Mr. Kershaw,
but I... can't take the case.
I'm a dead man.
A hospitaI is a very pubIic pIace.
And anybody couId gain access to your room.
And if it were me, and some Iarge men
were trying to re-kiII me,
and I wanted to stay un-dead,
I'd get the heII out of there. Fast.
In the end,
after reviewing our past performance,
we couId come to onIy one concIusion.
We're so much better when we wing it.
Can I heIp you with something?
I'm Dr. Lowenstein,
Mr. Kershaw's primary care physician.
He didn't mention anything.
Oh, weII, I'm... I'm over at Miami GeneraI.
Where is Victor?
He checked himseIf out, against my advice.
I think the visit from the poIice scared him.
PoIice? What did they want?
Oh, accident investigation.
They didn't seem too thriIIed
by Mr. Kershaw's account of events.
He cIaimed he'd been tortured.
By bodybuiIders.
BodybuiIders? - Yes.
This is a case of deIusionaI aIcohoIism. It's not uncommon.
You know, I warned him about that.
Why are you dressed for surgery in our hospitaI?
WeII, I Iike to be prepared for anything.
GentIemen?
Oh, shit...
So, what if he goes to the cops?
He aIready did.
You know what happened? Nothing!
Because they figured out what we aIready know,
that Victor Kershaw is a haIf-criminaI prick
who deserved bad shit to happen to him.
Yeah.
I thought he had to be dead.
So what?
You might feeI a IittIe prick.
Oh, yeah!
It's a IittIe Iess than what I'm used to,
but what the heck?
I'm going to rock your worId.
Ninja styIe.
I toId you we'd fix it with the magic penis shots.
Oh, yeah!
No way! - No, this is your house.
Jesus may exaIt.
But cocaine is king.
They seem very happy.
Dry humping.
This is such nice, suppIe Ieather.
AsshoIe.
I know what you're Iooking at. Now Iook at this.
I don't have a home, you putz!
Oh, jeez!
Hey, Kershaw! It's Ed Du Bois!
Jesus.
You thought I was Iying.
Sometimes it takes me a whiIe to make up my mind.
Nice pIace.
How'd you find me?
Cab driver at the hospitaI.
I paid him 20 not to taIk.
WeII, I paid him 40.
This shit's my new best friend.
I'm gonna Iook into your case, Victor,
but if you're not teIIing me the truth,
you're gonna be in a Iot more troubIe than when you started.
So, why are you heIping me?
WeII, what they did to you is un-American.
ReaI reason.
WeII, catching fish is fine.
Catching bad guys is finer.
Now, won't you teII me your story again?
From the beginning.
Just give me one more of those bIue ones.
You've had enough.
Hey, there. - Hey.
Hey, we didn't see you move in.
Oh, you know, most of my things are being shipped.
What happened to the Kershaws?
You know, I don't know the specifics,
but they must have reaIIy been underwater,
because they practicaIIy gave me the house.
I mean, I had asked the guy from the bank
and he thinks that the guy ran off with some girI
that he met in Havana, Iike one of those sex vacations.
Jeez! Man, you think you know peopIe.
Yeah.
AIthough Victor Iiked to taIk about sex a Iot.
Brad MacCaIister.
Tom...
Lawn.
Gotcha. - Yeah.
That's a pretty professionaI Iooking hoop
you got there. - Yeah.
Look at you, aIready improving the pIace.
WeII, that's what I do.
You know, I saw your wife drop off a gang of kids,
figured they couId come by anytime and shoot a round.
I've done a bit of coaching, so...
Hey, that sounds terrific.
Use your eIbows, you IittIe pussy!
Oh, teII your mama!
Damn!
Sucker!
What the heII are you doing on the ground?
That hurts. - WeII, it's supposed to hurt!
That pain's what's gonna save your Iife.
Your ceIIs remember where it hurts
and that's where they get strong.
It's caIIed pain and gain, Rusty.
Don't be a IittIe bitch. You gonna man up?
You better, 'cause right now your sister's
stronger than you. Give me your hand. Get up!
What are you Iooking at, you IittIe chubby broad?
Don't eyebaII me, boy. I see your mother
driving up and down the street Iooking at me.
I'II be your stepfather in about a week.
I Iove my new home,
my new neighborhood and my Iittle brat-pack crew.
I kept it reaI with them Iittle motherfuckers
and they kept it reaI with me.
That's 315, cIose grip.
AII right, benching buiIds your pecs.
We got no homos in this gang, right?
AII right, good. And if you bacheIors Iike girIs,
Iisten to the Lawn Dawg.
No hottie can resist dope pecs.
You want to chase taiI with me in South Beach
on my Puppy Luv? Huh?
Or do you want to Iook at your IittIe nuts in the mirror
and see if you got any peach fuzz?
AII right, good.
Wow!
Hey, guys. You Iike it?
Yeah.
Oh, I Iove the sexy casa!
You guys Iike that?
You Iike that fine Russian pussy?
That was mine.
I gave it to him. Like nothing.
Now if we're gonna roII, we're gonna chase taiI,
we got to do it my way, okay?
No pickIe-Iicking around here. Let's go.
Break it off. Remind your foIks
about Neighborhood Watch, okay?
You, you, you and you, jog it home.
AII right, big man. - AII right, brother.
Let's race the Porsche, baby.
Let's do it. - Come on. It's money.
You get the Turbo.
And this Adrian DoorbaI, he paid in cash?
Yes. 100,000.
Cash? - Cash.
This didn't surprise you. - No.
I thought maybe he was in sports, rap.
You know, he is bIack.
Yeah.
WeII, you don't think it was strange
that Mr. Kershaw never said goodbye?
He was a dick. AIways making fat jokes.
One time he toId me if I can cut out snacking,
that they can cure worId hunger.
Yeah, he can be kind of rude that way.
What do you think of the new guy?
Awesome. He says I'm a do-er.
Our Neighborhood Watch is about to start.
Can I get everybody's attention?
WouId you Iike one? Those are so cute.
They're Iike IittIe edibIe penises.
I wish they had them in the strip cIub. They're great nibIets.
This is deIicious.
And so easy, from freezer to microwave to mouth.
Stan.
Okay. Eyes front, neighbors.
Now, we'd aII Iike to beIieve
we're safe here in OId CutIer Cove Estates.
I know I feeI more snug and secure than I've ever.
And I feeI very weIcomed,
and I want to thank you aII for that. Okay?
But this is a very serious situation.
Okay? There are bad guys out there
that are waiting for good peopIe Iike us to drop our guard.
Bad guys are everywhere.
I shouId know, okay. I work for the government.
And I've been to prison.
And it sucks!
At this first meeting of the Neighborhood Watch,
Peter, Dick and I wiII demonstrate
a few ways we can keep ourseIves safe.
My paI, Dick... - Yeah.
...who works with me at the government,
wiII now hand out your preparedness packs.
Right.
That means we have to hand out the preparedness packs,
Yeah, right away.
In our own corner of the American dream,
safety requires vigiIance.
Okay, Iook at our chart here.
Number one thing, vigiIance equaIs safety.
Number two, recognizing...
Oh, baby. That's the one. Yeah.
Okay. First thing, recognizing a potentiaI attacker.
Sorry about that. There it is.
Peter?
Safety pack.
Each famiIy gets a pack.
Each pack has pepper spray and a taser.
Ladies, these things work.
You can zap a guy's baIIs off with one hit, aII right.
Okay! The IoveIy Sorina here...
Ta-da! ...is going to be the victim.
Who wants to voIunteer to be a rapist?
Oh, sure.
Right here!
Me. Pick me.
Can you pick me? Can you pick me?
We're onIy picking one, guys. This is not a gang rape, okay.
You sit down. We'II take Brad.
Yes!
My favorite neighbor.
He picked me, he picked me.
Hi, I'm Brad.
You touch her, I'II fuck you up!
Hey! - It was nice meeting you.
Dick.
This is onIy a simuIation, okay? CaIm it down.
WeII, that's what I'd do in this situation.
I'II fuck him up!
PauI, now.
Honey, I had to grab her ass. Look, I was the rapist!
You're a perv. - It was roIe pIaying.
What the heII are you doing?
What?
''What?'' You Iook Iike shit.
I feeI Iike I Iook great.
This is a criticaI time, PauI. Okay?
We cannot afford to mess this up.
I agree. You don't need aII this Kumbaya shit.
Excuse me? I bIended in, okay?
I'm an infIuentiaI member of this community now.
Have some respect and act accordingIy.
PauI?
The hotel wants you to pay your $47,000 bill
or they're kicking us out.
Yeah, honey?
What are you doing?
I'm praying.
WeII,
you shouId pray for $500
to reIocate a pair of Jimmy Choos
from Neiman's to my shoe cIoset.
Okay.
Secret Agent Sorina needs pimpy shoes for proper spying.
Secret agent, Jimmy Choo shoes, I got it.
Jimmy Choo shoes. Cash.
Sometimes, when you hit rock bottom,
you happen to be on the 20th fIoor.
I had a choice. Take the fast way down,
or find a way to keep cIimbing.
Lord God, this pIace is depressing.
And so is this.
No matter how it gets there, your John Hancock shows
notarized, even at a 90-degree angIe.
It's aII IegaI and binding.
Oh, funny thing, when a man's bIindfoIded,
eIectro-shocked, beaten with sex toys,
and hung Iike dry cIeaning,
he tends to sign just about anything.
The Sun Gym Gang has successfuIIy acquired
every asset you had.
And they're enjoying it.
So I don't have a move?
Because if that's true, I'm not paying you a fucking dime!
You don't have a fucking dime.
What happens now?
Now I go to work.
After a coupIe months with us, you won't even recognize yourseIf,
trust me.
I trust you.
As you can see here, we've got aII brand new Cybex equipment.
AII the Iatest stuff. Want to start out with some curIs?
You have the perfect frame for bodybuiIding.
I'm going to get you so jacked.
I'd Iove to get jacked.
What kind of work do you do, Ed?
Lawn and garden suppIies.
Benches, birdbaths, stuff Iike that.
Oh, yeah? I got a pretty big yard myseIf.
Oh, yeah? Where?
OId CutIer Cove.
Wow. I didn't know trainers did so weII.
You know, you beIieve you deserve it and the universe...
...wiII serve it. Yeah, I've heard that before.
Jonny Wu says that. - Yeah. TV commerciaI.
I Iove that guy. AII right, Iet's hit the chest press.
Lawn suppIies, huh?
I got me a riding mower. Snapper 342, you know it?
Yeah, it's a beauty. It's a zero-turn modeI, right?
Yep.
It's got one of the best decks around.
It even stands up to FIorida's sandy soiI.
You might be my new favorite cIient.
Now, come on, you're growing.
Let's go. Let's go stretch those pecs.
How'd you happen to choose this gym?
A friend of mine recommended it.
He said you worked him over pretty good.
That's what I Iike to hear. Who's that?
Victor Kershaw.
How is Vic?
I don't reaIIy know. I can't get him on the phone.
WeII, maybe he's on vacation.
Who's that? - Kershaw.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure that's what it is.
I've been here before. And I'm not proud of this.
To my dearest Adrian.
You are my sun,
my moon,
my Fresh Prince of BeI-Air. I Iove that show.
He got the bag! He got the bag!
Drop the bag! Drop it!
My grandfather,
he said to me, ''Never marry a bIack man.''
I don't know why. He thought they were aII dodgy.
But he's dead now.
From racism. No, it was a cement truck.
HeIIo. Is the haircut Iine here?
I just need a IittIe trim.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit!
He's over here!
Come on down here.
In here, go.
Freeze!
WeII, this pIan didn't work.
Cover the back!
She makes me the happiest man in the worId!
This pIan was just practice.
But I had another pIan.
Frank Griga, the phone-sex douche from the cIub.
He wouIdn't be as easy as a bank.
But as it turns out...
In the water!
Fire!
...a bank wasn't aII that easy.
Motherfucker!
Fuck!
That's aII I got.
What a dick.
Lugo?
Hey, Lugo! Goddang it.
Oh, Danny. Danny?
WiII you shut the fuck up?
SIow down, PauI.
Did you do something bad?
Maybe a IittIe.
You're aII fucking green.
I fucked up! Oh, I've got to sit down.
Dan...
They got my toe, Danny!
They got my toe. - Jesus!
I know, Jesus! You can see the bone.
Put that fucking thing away now!
Can they reattach it?
No, PauI, they can't, okay?
Because that's gonna bring questions
and the fucking heat.
God gave you 10, now you got nine.
You've got to deaI with that, okay?
Frank Griga.
He's got miIIions.
And we can take it. You know why?
'Cause we're do-ers.
I gave you a second chance, and what did you do?
You put it right up your fucking nose.
Oh, no, no, it's not just that!
It's a IittIe bit of that.
You're broke, aII right?
And now you want me to soIve your probIems
by going fucking cowboy on some porn king?
Hey, what's going on? What...
Why's your head green? - Yeah.
I made a mistake.
He bIew his whoIe cut, now he wants to do another job.
Is that right?
Why did you say it Iike that?
Because I put aII my money in the house,
and now I need a procedure.
A procedure?
I'm a man who just got maried,
and his penis don't work, okay?
You know what?
Why don't you gIue his toe onto your baIIs?
Everyone wins.
Did you remember to get me some bait?
I wiII not buy worms.
You're pretty funny.
Your back?
This is from your trip to the gym isn't it?
No, I just want to Iie here and think about the case.
Why did Miami PD ignore this man's story?
His account of what happened is rather unbeIievabIe,
and other than that, he's a hard guy to Iike.
Mese.
Hey, you schmuck, you remember me?
No, shouId I?
WeII, I shouId think so,
seeing as you apparentIy watched me
sign my whoIe Iife away
to some fucking weightIifter!
John! - Mr. Kershaw.
Oh, so you do remember me. That's funny
because I don't remember you. Which must mean you're a Iiar.
Get the fuck out!
I was under the impression that you were out of town.
Oh, yeah, I never Ieft town, because I didn't have
any money to Ieave town with,
because you fucking stoIe it!
Now give me my money back!
Fuck!
If that dog pees in the pooI, you're fired!
Hey! Victor Kershaw just caIIed my office!
What'd he say?
You fucking out of your mind? You fuck!
What'd he say, John?
He wants his stuff back!
He wants aII of it! - Shut up!
Did he forget he gave it to me?
He wants the whoIe nut.
This phone's going to cost you $43.
...good tonight. Come on, Iet's go.
Give me a whoop-whoop! - Whoop-whoop!
You taIk to your mommy, you bitch?
Victor, how's it going?
I feeI kind of just Iike shit, John.
Watch your Ianguage, dude.
Shut the fuck up!
No, no, no. No, not you. Not you. I'm so sorry.
Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit!
You got the worst karma ever!
Victor, I feeI horribIe about this, okay?
Let me swing by there and make it right. What's your address?
You got a penciI?
I'm at 143 Fuck You Avenue
on the corner of BIow Me and Die.
Listen, teII me where you are
and I'II bring by the forms for you to sign.
It'II be aII Iegit. It'II make this right.
These fucking guys hustIed me Iike they hustIed you!
I am furious!
Now where are you?
I'm at your house, John, fucking your wife.
I'm not teIIing you where I am, John!
I'II caII you Iater to set a meet.
That went Iike shit.
What do we do now? - Star 69 him.
You want me... to have sex with him?
Press the star key, press the six and press the nine!
Seven Seas MoteI.
How did you do that?
Fuck!
What's with you cIowns?
What the... Hey, snatch that Cabbage Patch!
AII right, here's the deaI, IittIe feIIa,
I'm gonna head-butt you and knock you out, okay?
WeII, if he's not there, then I don't know where he is.
The onIy guy he taIks to is the guy who pays for his room.
What guy?
Sorry. CIassified information.
No peeking through the hoIe!
I recentIy got married
and I was Iooking for a pIace to have a honeymoon.
I was hoping maybe you couId show me around.
Why wouId you want to have your honeymoon here?
Oh, this pIace has a Iot of fond memories for me.
The very first time I bashed a man's skuII in was here
and it was a mess!
But that bat was aIuminum. I've switched to wood.
So you shouId get your ass out here right now
or I'II bash your brains aII over that waII
with one fucking swing!
Okay, sure.
Let me show you the pooI.
HoIy shit. It's my cIient.
I toId him I was gonna give him a fucking body Iike mine!
UnreaI. - What a fucking cocksuck.
I can't wait to go in his house.
I'm gonna shit in his bathroom. That's what I'ma do.
It takes a IittIe finesse to teII the Chief of PoIice
that his guys missed something big.
His story's true. Your guys went to sIeep on it.
Yeah, you're a soft touch, Ed.
I'II take a Iook at what you got,
but it sounds Iike a nonstarter to me.
George, I got a trunk fuII of evidence.
BeIieve me, it's a starter.
Hands up! Hands up!
A CoIombian pIus torture equaIs bad news, Ed,
at 5:30, 6:00 and 11 :00,
for however many nights it takes ChanneI 4
to make me Iook Iike I'm kind of UncIe Juan
defending the rights of drug deaIers.
Drug deaIer? The guy soId submarine sandwiches.
And PabIo Escobar was a fIorist. Come on.
Ed, you know this.
Anything beIow the Keys is Iike a boiI on my ass.
These guys are stiII out there
and they're gonna get hungry again.
You shouId get on it.
Trust between a trainer and his cIient
is sacred, Iike with priests and Iawyers.
To betray that is to betray everything I beIieve in
regarding fitness and America.
Hey!
There's a white Iady in there
making a reaIIy nice cherry pie.
I Iove cherry pies.
Cops.
What? Why are the poIice here?
Somebody caIIed them on a bIack guy in their yard!
What do you think they're doing here?
Now what? - WeII, we can either
waIk out front or we can jump in the fucking water.
I can't swim!
Thanks, guys! Appreciate it.
AII right. Come on, come on!
Mission abort, mission abort, mission abort!
How's your back?
The oId back's fine.
Car wouIdn't start, though.
You've got to get rid of that, it's an oId-man car.
So Mr. Kershaw caIIed.
He said, ''This is how you protect me,
''you pussy son of a bitch?
''Fucking thugs come to murder me
''and where the fuck are you?''
And then he Ieft an address.
Victor!
Never caII bad guys!
EspeciaIIy the ones who are trying to kiII you!
You're gonna give me shit about that right now?
I'm gonna take you home. CIean you up.
WouId you pass me a roII, pIease?
Sure.
You have some tiny trees.
That's sort of my hobby.
Shit!
Here, Iet me heIp you.
No, I can do it. I can do it.
Come on, Iet me heIp.
I......
Ed!
There you go.
Every man needs to fight for his dignity.
I have a boat.
Sure you do.
Don't don't, do do, nut up and be Iike Wu.
I was so sick of Jonny Wu.
If I had Iearned anything these past few months
besides what a fucking notary does,
it's that if you don't pay attention to detaiIs,
they can come up and bite you in the ass.
Or worse, they hire detectives.
Fuck this Beaver CIeaver shit. And this nice house.
But I'm not going backwards.
So the three-finger pIan just needs another finger.
So, what?
Hey, PauI, it's me. I want you to pick up Adrian.
We're gonna move on your porn king.
Dibs.
How are you, sir?
Good. How you doing? - ExceIIent.
Yeah. Shut the door, pIease.
Now, come on, Iet's do the show-and-teII. Come on, boy.
Next.
India aIone has a biIIion peopIe as of the Iast census.
One biIIion peopIe, two biIIion ears.
And untiI now, AT&T has had a Iock on aII of them.
Take a Iook at our fIow chart.
See this guy, this is a woo-woo Indian.
We're not going after them.
We want the red dots, the Gandhi kind.
Those are Japanese.
That's phase two.
We're going muIti-continentaI on this thing, okay.
This is a huge organization.
Sorry, boss.
Wedding pictures, sorry. - You're kiIIing me.
Here we go.
Percentage of Indian teIecommunication market.
We own it, we guarantee it. You're in ground-fIoor entry.
Boom, skyrocket. Next.
Frankie!
Chopin, stop!
Come here. Meet my friends. Show them your tits.
Look, you Iike them?
I had the doctor put in an extra 500 cc's.
Like JeII-O. - They're new.
Impressive. Are you in?
Do they have phone sex in India?
Because she's the best dirty taIker in the business.
Come on, give us a few moans.
Come on, that's it.
Nice.
AII right, so what's the minimum investment?
500,000.
Isn't he your Iimo driver? - And partner.
He is a fuII-fIedged partner.
Did I meet you at the... - You did.
You're the Jesus guy. - I am.
What's the maximum investment?
Some peopIe wouIdn't try it again.
Some peopIe wouId say quit whiIe you're ahead.
WeII, some peopIe are pussies.
Guys Iike Frank Griga don't quit.
They take it on the chin,
Iearn from their mistakes, doubIe down and do it.
Our pIan was soIid. Our skiIIs were cutting edge.
We just needed to put ourseIves in a position to succeed.
And that position was Adrian's house.
You guys Iook so sweet.
Yeah.
Where's your wife now?
She's puIIing a doubIe in the ER tonight.
You Iook nice.
Thanks, man. She's a big girI, you can't handIe it.
Hey, you know what we need?
Some music! Right?
So what do you think, we go in the other room
and taIk a IittIe business? - Yeah, yeah. Let's do it.
Let's get this party started!
Best song ever!
Show them how you can shake it up, baby.
Keep your hands off the new tits, paI.
Okay. The hands wiII be on the ass!
I'm coming for you. - Come on, baby.
Give me that thing.
So, I ran your numbers past my accountant
and it Iooks Iike bIue skies and cIear saiIing.
Fantastic. I've got the contracts right here.
Oh, God, that is nasty.
For who's ever gonna do the investing.
I got an eggroII for you, baby. - Yeah, you do!
Frank, I don't think I'm foIIowing you right now.
I want to meet directIy with the board.
I mean, no offense, DanieI,
but your skiII set doesn't put my mind at ease.
I want to see you dance! - Come on, PauI!
I don't dance,
but I got something much better than dancing.
Yeah!
Come on, baby!
Okay. So what exactIy is my skiII set then, Frank?
PIease, teII me.
I was a bit polaid, look
you seem Iike a reaIIy good guy, okay?
We couId totaIIy hang out, okay?
We can go chase some gash, you know?
But, frankIy,
I'm not comfortabIe with you having a say in my money.
So you stand here in my friend's house
and you teII me you don't trust me?
You know what? You're right.
Maybe this isn't the pIace to discuss this.
What? You want to go over my head to the board?
Hey, Iook, DanieI,
you know a IittIe something about the business worId,
but not nearIy as much as you think.
I mean, some of the things you say are just comicaI.
I don't think you're a hard worker.
I'm not saying you're a fucking moron,
but this is a compIicated venture, okay?
It takes professionaIs. You guys,
you're a bunch of fucking amateurs.
Motherfucker!
Nobody caIIs me a fucking amateur!
Do you know who you're fucking with?
Come on! Sixty-one! - Frank?
Sixty-two! Sixty-three! Come on, push it, baby!
Where's Frank? - Sixty-four!
Where the fuck is Frank? - Look at this!
No one caIIs me an amateur!
No one caIIs me a fucking amateur!
Jesus Christ. You couId have fucking kiIIed me!
You fucking couId have kiIIed me, you cunt!
You fucking motherfucker!
No one caIIs me a fucking amateur! No one!
Because I work hard! I do work fucking hard!
I fucking work!
No! Oh, God. PIease, no!
Hey, get out of there. Go, get, get, get!
I'm going for 80! - Give me five more, baby!
Yeah!
That's a new house record!
Frank!
Look at this! Go, push it! Fucking push it!
Frank? - Yeah, baby!
What did you do? - It was an accident.
Jesus fucking Christ!
He feII! The thing just hit him in the head
when he feII down.
You fucking cocksucker! - No, no, pIease, don't!
No!
Grab that fucking crazy bitch!
Oh, what the fuck... What happened? - It was an accident!
You were supposed to taIk to him!
Take her, PauI! Take her! - I was taIking to him!
Is he dead?
You see how those weights are fIush fIat on the fucking fIoor?
WeII, they shouIdn't be, because there's a fucking head in between them.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
She's biting me! - Keep her fucking quiet!
RoII her over! Show me her ass!
I got upset and...
He caIIed me a fucking amateur!
And you fucking hit him with a weight?
He said he was going to sign the papers,
then he wouIdn't sign, then he got upset
and he said he wanted to see the board,
then I said no, he couIdn't see the board,
''I don't want you to see the board.
''Why'd you caII me an amateur?''
Then he got upset, then he fucking said something eIse
and I got upset and he fucking feII.
I think he feII or I pushed him or something.
Then you kiIIed him!
What did you do to her?
I gave her a horse tranquiIizer.
Oh, shit.
She'II be fine.
33, 19, 22. That's the safe combination, right?
Is that YugosIavian?
Okay, I need it in EngIish, okay, baby?
Seventeen. - AII right, no, no.
33, 19, 22.
Okay, this is now a saIvage op! Let's go!
What does that even mean?
It means I'm getting that car and stuff in the safe.
Oh, shit.
Oh!
This is so bad.
AII right, hey. Keep her quiet, okay?
And stay by the phone.
Make sure the sperm moguI's on ice untiI I get back.
What do you mean ''on ice''? - In ice cubes in the bathtub, okay!
Hey, when does Robin get home?
Her shift's over at noon.
Okay, great.
CaIm the fuck down. I got to get a pump.
Yeah, take a moment.
That's it. That's good.
Listen, Danny,
I know what it's Iike to think you kiIIed somebody.
And... it hurts.
I mean, you got Jesus and the deviI...
That's it, get it.
Jesus, deviI, swirIing aII up in your head.
I was Iucky, 'cause my guy Iived.
So you must reaIIy feeI Iike shit.
You're right, PauI.
Let's just hope Jesus is as forgiving as they say, right?
Oh, He is.
Adrian, do something about this rug.
Look, just say the dog did it, okay?
Everything eIse wiII be gone before Robin...
Looks Iike he kiIIed the dog.
Hey, crank the AC. He's starting to reek.
Let's go, PauI, come on.
Hang in there, buddy.
Bro, you better hurry up, man!
We'II be back!
Where is my dog, bro?
I see it. I see the emotion,
and I see aII that Satan shit swirIing.
I don't need your shit right now, okay? PIease.
I say it because I care. I'm just trying to be a friend.
Be caIm.
HoIy shit.
HoIy Moses.
You're a fucking genius. You did it!
I Iove Jesus, too! You know that, right?
Look at the size of this thing!
It's Iike a fucking treasure chest!
Come on, baby. Come on.
33... 19... 22...
Shit!
Come on!
33...
19...
22...
You fucked this up! - This is not my fauIt!
Oh, man.
What's the combo? - 32, 19, 22!
Yo, DL, where you at, man?
Put the YugosIav on the phone. I need the right safe combo.
No, you got to get back here, man.
Robin's going to be home in a few hours.
She gets off at noon.
No, I think they gave me the wrong fucking number!
Frank? - No, she... Shit.
HeIIo?
You wrote it down wrong.
You gonna try to get away?
There's some more!
Now, come on, get up. My wife's coming home.
See you in the Iiving room.
Stop drinking! You've got to write the code down now.
I'm ready. - AII right, what's the safe combo?
Put the phone where she can hear.
She can't hear nothing, man.
What's the probIem?
The bitch is coId, bro.
What? No.
Her souI has Ieft her body.
TeII me it's not fucking true, now!
I mean, you toId me to give her some more tranquiIizer,
and I did, and I gave her two shots,
and I think I gave her too much,
'cause now she's not fucking breathing.
We were dancing and having such a good time
and I was smacking her ass and now she's fucking dead!
And you're not here, bro!
No. No! Not...
Did you get the code?
No! No! No!
This isn't happening.
This is not happening.
Jonny Wu says it's aII about seeing the humor
in the chaos, right? Right? Come on! Let's boIt!
You didn't get the code?
Let's go, we got shit to do.
TeII me the code. I'm ready.
Come on. We don't have the code. Put this on.
Yeah, I got the Lambo. Hey, you want that dog?
That Yorkshire's about $1,250 if it's a purebred.
Hey.
Shit, we've got to get something for the bodies.
Hey, IittIe buddy.
You hungry?
Come on, come on!
What a IittIe boy.
I Iove purpIe.
It's not smart taking a dead man's car.
Not smart at aII.
Oh, shit! Oh, no!
Shit! Oh, she's going to kiII me!
Oh, shit.
Lost my dog.
You've got to sIow down!
You're tipping her over!
I'm not driving too fast. I'm foIIowing the fucking speed Iimit.
I got 48 hoIes in my carpet!
It smeIIs awfuI back here.
See, I'm deaIing with shit on a whoIe other IeveI.
Y'aII can't even fathom the IeveI that I'm on.
You're making me nervous, okay! There are cops ahead.
Come on, guys! I'm concentrating!
I think I'm going to be sick.
For a big fucker, you compIain a Iot!
What am I going to teII my wife?
Just fucking Iie.
Sick.
I booted.
PauI, you're fucking disgusting.
Reuben? Come here. Is that you?
What are you doing? What happened to you?
PauI, we got a job to do, are you up here hiding?
I need you downstairs, okay?
I need you to secure and maintain a profiIe.
Me and Adrian are going to Home Depot
to get what we need. Let's go, come on.
I am not staying here aIone with those two dead bodies.
I wiII freak out.
What do you mean ''no''? This was your idea.
You want to get out of this,
you better Iearn to take responsibiIity.
Don't be a don't-er. You'II regret it.
I aIready regret it.
Get me the poIice.
There is Iife after death.
Of that, I am sure.
But I'm aIso pretty sure dead peopIe no Ionger need their stuff.
And I did.
AII right, cIeaning suppIies. - Check.
Mr. And Mrs. Griga, how are you? Chopin?
HeIIo, IittIe baby, I'm here.
Chopin?
We're gonna cIean them, chop them,
put them in buckets. Right here.
DissoIve them with Iye.
No evidence.
Check.
Adrian?
This is Officer WiIson, Miami-Dade PoIice.
AnimaI Services has recovered a greyhound
that is registered to your address
but we beIieve the dog may be stoIen.
You need to contact us pIease, at your earIiest convenience.
305...
We got a body part, a human toe.
Get a forensic unit here right away.
He Ioves dog Iike his own chiId.
Team Jesus!
FeeI great. DoyIe feeIs great.
May cause anxiety, aggression, seizure, suicidaI thoughts, dementia...
I feeI Iike shit now.
Jesus, forgive me. Forgive my sins.
We're back! Come on, Iet's go.
You can do that shit aII day in prison
if we don't get these bodies out of here!
I am in the middIe of a superset.
Hey! Did you take the wedding ring?
No, I did not. No.
Fucking crackhead.
Hey, shouId we save her impIants?
WeII, not unIess you want them for paperweights.
No, resaIe of medicaI devices is a big business, man.
I'm married to someone in the medicaI fieId. I know this.
Then stop pIaying with her tits, okay?
And Windex our fingerprints off now.
WeII, what about their fingerprints?
What about them?
What are we gonna do with there fingerprints on there fingers?
I'II think of something, aII right?
Are you reaIIy going to do that?
Danny, that's disgusting! - Shit!
What's wrong with it? - How the heII am I supposed to know?
What, is it pIugged in? - Yeah, it's pIugged in!
WeII, press the button!
Give me that, Iet me do it, man!
Fuck if we got time for this.
See? Daddy worked power tooIs, baby!
Get it! Go, go, go! Get it, get it, get it!
Am I hitting it?
What happened? Come on!
Oh, shit! - What?
It's stuck in her hair!
Give me this thing.
Figures! Made in China?
It's a piece of China fucking crap!
I fucking toId you to get a gas-powered one,
not some fucking piece of eIectric China crap! Shit!
WeII, you're the one who said we didn't have time to stop for gas!
Grab her arm. - What are you doing?
I'm going oId schooI.
Go.
I'm going to chop that fucker right off.
Wait, wait, wait. AII right, go. Go, go.
Fuck you ''Ah!''ing about? HoId it, man.
I aImost chopped your finger! - Go!
Come on!
Let's go, PauI.
I need you to griII these fingerprints off, aII right?
GriII these fingerprints off? Are you nuts?
No, I'm not nuts, PauI.
But I am about fed up with your defeatist attitude, okay?
Now griII those fucking hands. Now.
You need to be more positive, PauI.
Just make a positive effort.
What's up? - Hey, Ed.
We've connected these peopIe to the bodybuiIders you were taIking about.
They've gone missing.
These peopIe aren't just missing, George.
They're probabIy dead.
It's a big department, Ed. We can't do everything right.
I didn't ask for everything, George. I asked for one thing.
I toId you these guys were gonna get hungry again.
What seems to be the problem?
It's a piece of China crap.
It worked for two seconds, then it cut off.
WeII, for 20 more,
you can get free parts and repIacements.
We strongIy recommend it on aII our customer power tooI investments.
Oh, we don't want to hear about that rip-off.
Sir, there appears to be fur in the works.
I don't see no fur in that nonworking chainsaw.
How funny was that when that scumbag shit himseIf
when your dog aImost bit his baIIs off?
What do we got? Description again?
White maIe, 30s.
AII right, standby, we're en route.
Leave that stuff, we got to go.
WeII, either you're dumb or bIind, but that's fur.
Go on, pick out another one.
Save the drama for your mama.
HoIy shit! What the fuck?
What are you doing?
You got to cook this shit outside.
Be carefuI, that's hot. You'II burn yourseIf.
You know, you're Iike a three-year-oId!
You're dropping the fingernaiIs.
A three-year oId...
It stunk Iike shit.
You put it in the fucking street?
I didn't think you'd be pissed.
It got reaIIy smoky in there, Danny.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
In AA, they teach you to sit with your feeIings.
Look under the bed and see for yourseIf
that there's no monster under there.
But the probIem is, sometimes the monster is there.
And sometimes, you've just got to fucking run.
Hey, PauI?
Where the fuck is he?
He's got no fucking accountabiIity!
Okay, gentIemen, Iisten up.
These are your IocaIes. These are your targets.
We are taking down these scumbags... simuItaneousIy.
We have some making up to do.
Here you go.
Any questions?
Good.
I feeI good.
Got to get a pump, though.
Need to push that Lambo into the swamp, bro.
Fuck!
Get out of the way!
Look at these guys, huh? Carved from stone!
Adrian? Honey, there's some peopIe here to see you.
No! No!
Get down!
Do not move. - Let me see your hands.
No hard feeIings.
Hands behind your back.
CaII DanieI!
Fuck!
Hey, poIice, stop!
This way. FoIIow the officer.
Hey, buddy.
How you been?
Wow. Didn't see that coming.
He seemed Iike such a nice guy.
You think you know peopIe...
Puppy's gone.
Yeah, he Ioved your boat.
We went out on it five or six times.
We had a great sunset cruise. We took the neighborhood kids.
Hey, paI. That'II do it.
We circuIated Lugo's picture.
Coast Guard's got the specs on Lugo's boat.
You mean my boat?
Your boat.
Start Iooking!
According to the other two, Lugo kiIIed Griga
before he couId get anything, which means
he's gonna run out of his money.
My money! My money.
Victor, for God's sake.
He's right, Ed. We fucked up.
The fact is, Mr. Kershaw, right now,
you're the onIy source of funding this guy has got.
He put aII his eggs in your basket, Victor.
We've got that basket under 24-hour watch.
Lugo's gonna come up starving soon.
When he does, we'II get him.
What if I toId you there's another basket
you didn't know about? Offshore.
Where? - The Bahamas, where do you think?
So, where do you think he's going?
You couId have saved us 20 minutes.
What the heII is wrong with you?
Now I'm the criminaI here? It's a secret stash.
You're teIIing me you don't have a secret stash?
You're a very difficuIt victim, Victor.
It's Money Management 101.
Get a chopper, ASAP.
My name is Victor Kershaw.
I'm Iooking to cIose my account.
And what wouId you Iike to do
about the safety deposit box?
WeII, I'm reaIIy in a rush,
but I may as weII open it whiIe I'm here, right?
His fucking baby booties?
What the... AsshoIe!
Oh, shit! No cash!
Where's your bank manager?
This is a United States court order
authorizing us to freeze the accounts of a Victor...
Lugo!
Open the door! - Lugo!
Open it! - Open it up!
Open the gate!
Get the gate!
Lugo!
He's over here!
Hey! Officer!
Where are they aII?
He's a thief!
Son of a bitch.
Sometimes God just fucks up your order
and you got to chow down on that shitty shame sandwich.
Look at you.
AII fucked up.
It's kind of undignified being aII fucked up by a car,
isn't it, you siIIy turd?
You aII right? - I'm getting there.
You know, I couId have got you ripped, man.
You know what your probIem is?
Skinnyass quads. You got no quads, man.
That was my probIem.
I spent a Iot of time buiIding these bad boys.
Is this aII for me?
Yep. Your own IittIe party.
Wow.
They're going to want to know why you did it.
WeII, 'cause I'm a do-er.
This was the Iongest and most bizarre triaI in Dade County history.
So, the CentraI InteIIigence Agency.
So you were a stripper and an agent.
Or, as you caII yourseIf, a fieId operative.
Lugo and I used to bang a Iot.
But then he passed me to Agent DoyIe.
Miss you, sweetie.
But I'm going to quit the whoIe CIA thing
to become a movie star.
They say truth is stranger than fiction.
And no one teIIs the truth Iike a pissed-off wife.
Sir, I officiaIIy divorced him Iast night.
That's why I can testify against him today.
WeII, I've been working in the penis industry for 19 months.
I think he Iifted weights to try to compensate
for the fact that he had a very tiny penis.
It was bent on a 25 degree angIe, Iike a boomerang.
You see, erectiIe dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed about
but being an unfaithfuI Iying shit
who I know for a fact tried to finger bang
his paraIegaI... in the interview room,
that's a IittIe... shamey.
But being in the medicaI profession, I prefer not to judge.
But that Iady's a whore.
Yeah, you, you fucking bitch. - No further questions.
The state was very thorough.
FrankIy, it had a Iot to make up for.
We're going to waIk on this. They ain't got no proof.
At first, the evidence was mostIy circumstantiaI,
physicaI proof of the murders being hard to come by.
EventuaIIy, they found the barreIs and bodies,
but no fingerprints. And then, for the first time
in the history of the United States...
Two 750 cc breast impIants.
...they used the manufacturer's
unique seriaI numbers for identification.
PauI DoyIe seemed to embrace the concept of confession.
They kidnapped Kershaw, they tried to kiII him.
I just wanna go back to prison.
They used chainsaws to cut them up!
He said no one wouId get hurt. They hurt Pepe.
They hurt him bad. They hurt my friend.
ManipuIator of manipuIators.
Wow. That feIt good.
AII they got is testimony from some fucking cokehead.
In the end, though,
aII justice reaIIy needed to do was Iisten to
the right guy at the right time.
In Iight of his cooperation,
Mr. DoyIe was given onIy 15 years.
A sentence for which he seemed IegitimateIy gratefuI.
I once was Iost
But now I'm found...
DanieI Lugo and Adrian DoorbaI
were found guiIty of doubIe murder, racketeering,
attempted extortion, theft,
attempted murder, armed robbery,
burgIary, money Iaundering and forgery.
In fact, the onIy thing they weren't found guiIty of
was the one thing they were most guiIty of,
being dumb stupid fucks.
It took the jury onIy 14 minutes
to sentence them both to death.
This seems Iike such a waste.
PeopIe's Iives.
You know?
Some peopIe just don't know a good thing
when it's staring them in the face.
It reaIIy is the simpIe things in Iife.
DanieI just wanted to be Iike everyone.
Everyone that wants the American dream.
AII I ever wanted out of Iife
was what everyone eIse had.
Not more. Just not the Iess I was used to.
WeII, I took a reaI swing for it, you know?
And for a whiIe, it was Iike I aIways thought it wouId be.
I was one of you.
And it feIt good.
PeopIe finaIIy saw me Iike I saw myseIf
and you can't ask for more than that.
Maybe I did, though.
Maybe it got so I didn't want to be ''equaI to'' anymore.
I wanted to be ''better than.''
And that's a recipe for injury.
That doesn't mean you give up, though.
You rest, you heaI and you get back on that bench.
Life is going to give me another set.
And I am going to rock it.
Because my name is DanieI Lugo,
and I beIieve in fitness.
That's the American dream.